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when your feeling are wrong

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Wildflower:
I grew up believing all my feelings were wrong.  When I said X hurt, I was told it was really Y and nothing to get upset about in the first place.  For instance, if I told my mom that something a friend had said had hurt my feelings, she’d say in “soothing” words, that it wasn’t anything to be upset about.  She never understood why I was hurt, and she never asked what the friend did to hurt my feelings.  She just told me I was wrong.  And that soothing voice?  It wasn’t soothing.  It was condescending and veiled impatience.  “You poor young child who knows nothing but I do so I’m going to tell you that you have no reason to feel the way you do – so stop feeling that way please.  I have some hobbies to attend to.  You’ve stopped crying?  Good.  Now go take a bath and you’ll feel all better.”  Am I crazy?  Was my mom right after all that I was just too sensitive and had everything wrong?  Is this what parents do and I was expecting too much from her to think she could understand where I was coming from?  After all, she’s only human.  

But I really feel like that did some serious damage because only in the past year have I been able to begin to feel things at the time they’re happening.

And at the beginning of the year, I discovered that I was never really allowed to be angry for the same reasons.  At the first hint of anger in me, I was reminded that I was being like my father, so I learned to keep it in.  But it would build up.  Feelings aren’t meant to be kept inside to fester.  When my back seized up last fall, I was freaking out because I’m from a medical family and I knew enough to know that something really bad could be happening.  I was near hysteria, so I called my mom (she wasn’t there, though, I just got the answering machine).  I told my therapist this and, baffled, she asked me why I had called my mother, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I called my mom because I wanted her to tell me my fears weren’t real and that I was overreacting.  I wanted her to tell me I was wrong (because if I was right…eeeeek).  And then I realized that the only time my mom came close to addressing my feelings was when I’d reached the point of hysteria as a result of pushing all my feelings down.  

I’ve been trying so hard to recognize my feelings and act on them as quickly as I can.  And by acting on them, I mean understanding WHAT my feelings are, acknowledging to myself that they’re real, and acting on them.  Not acting on them in the sense of lashing out, but acting on them in the sense that they’re telling me something (like DANGER DANGER or wow I really like this, I’m gonna do more of it).  Acting on them instead of ignoring them and ending up in situations that make me uncomfortable.  But anger…I still can’t cope with it.  I get so disoriented so quickly.

I know this is all over the place, but I really just wanted to know if this makes any sense at all to anyone out there – or if I’m just hopelessly confused.

Wildflower

Anonymous:
Wildflower,

I think everyone can relate to what you're saying. My mother also told me that I didn't feel emotions that I did feel. She showed impatience and irritation at my emotional states. She has very little empathy for a child. I suppose no one gave it to her, either. I've learned to ID my emotions as they come up. I make almost clinical decisions on what to do about them. Perhaps that's too extreme but that's how I deal with it.

bunny

Michelle:
I know how you feel Wildflower.  My mother too is incapable of feeling my pain or allowing me to feel it.  

Have you let yourself grieve over this?  I mean really, truly, gut wrenchingly grieve?  My counselor is just starting to explain to me the true need to grieve over these issues.  She says by allowing yourself to truly, deeply grieve you are allowing yourself to feel those emotions and you will slowly start to allow yourself to feel other emotions.  ???  I haven't gotten there yet, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

I am a very empathetic person to my husband and friends.  I have found though that I am the most empathetic (besides to my mother) to my children!  That was a shocker to me.  I really have to consciously work on being empathetic to them.  I guess there are scars in there that are trying to replay my childhood, but I won't let them.  As I've said before, I will not let the damage pass on to my children.  I don't care if I have to be in counseling forever!!!!!  

Take care of yourself and know that we care about you!

~~Michelle

Wildflower:

--- Quote from: bunny ---I think everyone can relate to what you're saying. My mother also told me that I didn't feel emotions that I did feel. She showed impatience and irritation at my emotional states. She has very little empathy for a child. I suppose no one gave it to her, either. I've learned to ID my emotions as they come up. I make almost clinical decisions on what to do about them. Perhaps that's too extreme but that's how I deal with it.
--- End quote ---


I don’t think that sounds extreme at all, bunny.  I’m just starting to learn how to do this, and I’m amazed at how fuzzy and confused I am about my own feelings :shock: !  And sometimes I’m completely baffled as to what to do with them when I can recognize them – so I can see how a clinical approach would be helpful.  I’m going to think about that some more.  Thanks, bunny.


--- Quote ---Have you let yourself grieve over this? I mean really, truly, gut wrenchingly grieve? My counselor is just starting to explain to me the true need to grieve over these issues. She says by allowing yourself to truly, deeply grieve you are allowing yourself to feel those emotions and you will slowly start to allow yourself to feel other emotions. ??? I haven't gotten there yet, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
--- End quote ---


I’ve been grieving here and there, as memories come up.  I’ve been able to look at isolated incidents and finally have the courage to allow myself to feel what I originally honestly felt.  That’s been tremendously helpful, but I guess…in spite of all that…I still don’t believe that’s what she was doing.  I think some part of me wants to believe it was all misunderstanding, that I got it all confused (because I’m used to thinking I’m confused?).  I’m having trouble stepping back and seeing the big pattern for what it is, I think, because it seems so … exaggerated?  Surely she must have heard me at least once.  But no…I don’t think she ever did.  And ow :cry: …I think that’s what I need to grieve about instead of all these little incidents.  Sorry…rambling a bit, but that helped.  Thank you.


--- Quote ---I am a very empathetic person to my husband and friends. I have found though that I am the most empathetic (besides to my mother) to my children! That was a shocker to me. I really have to consciously work on being empathetic to them. I guess there are scars in there that are trying to replay my childhood, but I won't let them. As I've said before, I will not let the damage pass on to my children. I don't care if I have to be in counseling forever!!!!!
--- End quote ---


Go Michelle!  Does your husband understand what you’re doing and support you?  

big hugs,
Wildflower

Michelle:
Luckily, my husband is very supportive.  He is a great listener and gives lots of hugs.  He does not truly "understand" though.  It's not his fault, he just hasn't been there himself.  He grew up in a very functional home.  

That's why I'm so thankful I found this board.
 :wink:
~~Michelle

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