when your feeling are wrong

[Wildflower]

I grew up believing all my feelings were wrong.  When I said X hurt, I was told it was really Y and nothing to get upset about in the first place.  For instance, if I told my mom that something a friend had said had hurt my feelings, she’d say in “soothing” words, that it wasn’t anything to be upset about.  She never understood why I was hurt, and she never asked what the friend did to hurt my feelings.  She just told me I was wrong.  And that soothing voice?  It wasn’t soothing.  It was condescending and veiled impatience.  “You poor young child who knows nothing but I do so I’m going to tell you that you have no reason to feel the way you do – so stop feeling that way please.  I have some hobbies to attend to.  You’ve stopped crying?  Good.  Now go take a bath and you’ll feel all better.”  Am I crazy?  Was my mom right after all that I was just too sensitive and had everything wrong?  Is this what parents do and I was expecting too much from her to think she could understand where I was coming from?  After all, she’s only human.  

But I really feel like that did some serious damage because only in the past year have I been able to begin to feel things at the time they’re happening.

And at the beginning of the year, I discovered that I was never really allowed to be angry for the same reasons.  At the first hint of anger in me, I was reminded that I was being like my father, so I learned to keep it in.  But it would build up.  Feelings aren’t meant to be kept inside to fester.  When my back seized up last fall, I was freaking out because I’m from a medical family and I knew enough to know that something really bad could be happening.  I was near hysteria, so I called my mom (she wasn’t there, though, I just got the answering machine).  I told my therapist this and, baffled, she asked me why I had called my mother, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I called my mom because I wanted her to tell me my fears weren’t real and that I was overreacting.  I wanted her to tell me I was wrong (because if I was right…eeeeek).  And then I realized that the only time my mom came close to addressing my feelings was when I’d reached the point of hysteria as a result of pushing all my feelings down.  

I’ve been trying so hard to recognize my feelings and act on them as quickly as I can.  And by acting on them, I mean understanding WHAT my feelings are, acknowledging to myself that they’re real, and acting on them.  Not acting on them in the sense of lashing out, but acting on them in the sense that they’re telling me something (like DANGER DANGER or wow I really like this, I’m gonna do more of it).  Acting on them instead of ignoring them and ending up in situations that make me uncomfortable.  But anger…I still can’t cope with it.  I get so disoriented so quickly.

I know this is all over the place, but I really just wanted to know if this makes any sense at all to anyone out there – or if I’m just hopelessly confused.

Wildflower

[Anonymous]

Wildflower,

I think everyone can relate to what you're saying. My mother also told me that I didn't feel emotions that I did feel. She showed impatience and irritation at my emotional states. She has very little empathy for a child. I suppose no one gave it to her, either. I've learned to ID my emotions as they come up. I make almost clinical decisions on what to do about them. Perhaps that's too extreme but that's how I deal with it.

bunny

[Michelle]

I know how you feel Wildflower.  My mother too is incapable of feeling my pain or allowing me to feel it.  

Have you let yourself grieve over this?  I mean really, truly, gut wrenchingly grieve?  My counselor is just starting to explain to me the true need to grieve over these issues.  She says by allowing yourself to truly, deeply grieve you are allowing yourself to feel those emotions and you will slowly start to allow yourself to feel other emotions.  ???  I haven't gotten there yet, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

I am a very empathetic person to my husband and friends.  I have found though that I am the most empathetic (besides to my mother) to my children!  That was a shocker to me.  I really have to consciously work on being empathetic to them.  I guess there are scars in there that are trying to replay my childhood, but I won't let them.  As I've said before, I will not let the damage pass on to my children.  I don't care if I have to be in counseling forever!!!!!  

Take care of yourself and know that we care about you!

~~Michelle

[Wildflower]

I think everyone can relate to what you're saying. My mother also told me that I didn't feel emotions that I did feel. She showed impatience and irritation at my emotional states. She has very little empathy for a child. I suppose no one gave it to her, either. I've learned to ID my emotions as they come up. I make almost clinical decisions on what to do about them. Perhaps that's too extreme but that's how I deal with it.

I don’t think that sounds extreme at all, bunny.  I’m just starting to learn how to do this, and I’m amazed at how fuzzy and confused I am about my own feelings !  And sometimes I’m completely baffled as to what to do with them when I can recognize them – so I can see how a clinical approach would be helpful.  I’m going to think about that some more.  Thanks, bunny.

Have you let yourself grieve over this? I mean really, truly, gut wrenchingly grieve? My counselor is just starting to explain to me the true need to grieve over these issues. She says by allowing yourself to truly, deeply grieve you are allowing yourself to feel those emotions and you will slowly start to allow yourself to feel other emotions. ??? I haven't gotten there yet, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

I’ve been grieving here and there, as memories come up.  I’ve been able to look at isolated incidents and finally have the courage to allow myself to feel what I originally honestly felt.  That’s been tremendously helpful, but I guess…in spite of all that…I still don’t believe that’s what she was doing.  I think some part of me wants to believe it was all misunderstanding, that I got it all confused (because I’m used to thinking I’m confused?).  I’m having trouble stepping back and seeing the big pattern for what it is, I think, because it seems so … exaggerated?  Surely she must have heard me at least once.  But no…I don’t think she ever did.  And ow …I think that’s what I need to grieve about instead of all these little incidents.  Sorry…rambling a bit, but that helped.  Thank you.

I am a very empathetic person to my husband and friends. I have found though that I am the most empathetic (besides to my mother) to my children! That was a shocker to me. I really have to consciously work on being empathetic to them. I guess there are scars in there that are trying to replay my childhood, but I won't let them. As I've said before, I will not let the damage pass on to my children. I don't care if I have to be in counseling forever!!!!!

Go Michelle!  Does your husband understand what you’re doing and support you?  

big hugs,
Wildflower

[Michelle]

Luckily, my husband is very supportive.  He is a great listener and gives lots of hugs.  He does not truly "understand" though.  It's not his fault, he just hasn't been there himself.  He grew up in a very functional home.  

That's why I'm so thankful I found this board.
 
~~Michelle

[rosencrantz]

Was my mom right after all that I was just too sensitive and had everything wrong?

Nope!  Your mother was not right; it was your mother who was wrong.  

That's a tour de force of a post, Wildflower.  Congratulations.  I see which bubbles are bursting now!!  It didn't sound all over the place at all but very 'right', very 'true'.  So glad to meet you!!!!

And that's amazing how you phoned your mom to keep your feelings in check - no, you phoned her to keep 'reality' in check!!!!!  Or both.  Either way, as a child you experienced your mother as changing reality.  Wow!  What power!!!  

You have a good therapist I think, asking the right questions!!!

And I see now - now I 'get' our recent   .  Really 'get' it.  Thanks for sharing this.  
R

[Wildflower]

Hiya R,

I’m just going to bring this over here so as not to hog Dawning’s thread.

For my money, if we (you and I) hadn't struggled - in all good heart - neither of us would have discovered what we did.

Sometimes we need to find a hard place to come up against for the truth to burst free.

What do you think???????

I'm glad, really glad, we went on that short journey together. I love the post you did earlier today. And I know I've made a major breakthrough, too!!!!

And I know something else even more clearly today - when two people are both hurting, they both want to be heard at the same time. And that's going to be true in marriage. And intimate close relationships of any kind. And it's almost impossible for both parties to get heard at the same time. So that explains a lot, too (tho I'm not sure what the solution is!).

Yeah, in struggling with you, I got a whiff of where my bottom dropped out.  Or rather, the various points at which the bottom dropped out.  

Yes, we were both hurt.  And then I read the comment about prioritizing your own healing (and shoot I can’t remember which thread it was on!).  So (click ) you working on/prioritizing your healing, me working on/prioritizing my own.  Big head butt.

And then I realized it was really my problem {EDIT: my responsibility to understand why I was still upset, because it seemed like it ran deeper than our misunderstanding}, and my need to be heard {EDIT: to be heard, to be understood, to have my perpective acknowleged}… but about what?  Apparently, I had been digging to get to that answer myself during that struggle.  What did I need?  I needed to know that my feelings made sense, were real, resonated, were understandable.  Weren’t crazy.  But that’s a need from childhood, and one I can’t expect others to fulfill.  Not sure what to do with this at the moment, but at least it’s been identified.

And I see now - now I 'get' our recent   . Really 'get' it. Thanks for sharing this.

(((HIG))).    Thank you. Me, too.
Wildflower

P.S. - Okay, This IS crazy...

And that's amazing how you phoned your mom to keep your feelings in check - no, you phoned her to keep 'reality' in check!!!!! Or both.

I was all       when I put that two-and-two together.  No more of that, thankyouverymuch.  I'd rather struggle with my own fuzzy feelings next time!

{EDIT: P.P.S. - Admittedly a bit concerned about recent events, I just wanted to clarify this post.}

[Nic]

Hi Wildflower!
I just wanted to chime in to validate what you're expressing in your post.  It seems that we have that in common..it seems we were both taught not to feel, how sad !
 Even though I know this and acknowledge this and feel this about myself, I still find myself grieving.
The first thing that popped into my head is my concept called "emotional convenience"..I believe it was emotionally convenient for our mothers not to deal with our feelings at the time they were happening..not only is this typically N but it points to the incapacity of the N parent to deal with him or herself..i'm pretty sure that my N mother was so afraid to see my sadness that it was nothing more than a mirror image of her own suffering that she had to avoid at all cost...therefore the invalidation, therefore the almost shunning of me and yes the condescending "you are not a real person until I say you are" add-on that Ns always use... to avoid.

I'm trying to get used to the idea that N mother had/has a problem, the major one that is..i'm just the damaged person/result of the N-capacity to handle herself first..and then me. Healing is also about deprogramming all those damaging and incapacitating lacks of concern for ME..the adage..when you weren't parented right..grow up and parent yourself..comes to mind.

Your post was absolutely not "all over the place", it was very representative of lots of people's experience at the hands of N parents.  I'm sorry you had to go through that too!   yet i'm happy that you're out of the trap and on the way to recovery.

Thanks for sharing..don't stop feeling..i've just begun myself ..it's weird sometimes huh?
All the best to you and all,
love Nic

[Anonymous]

Was my mom right after all that I was just too sensitive and had everything wrong?

Nope!  Your mother was not right; it was your mother who was wrong.  

That's a tour de force of a post, Wildflower.  Congratulations.  I see which bubbles are bursting now!!  It didn't sound all over the place at all but very 'right', very 'true'.  So glad to meet you!!!!

And that's amazing how you phoned your mom to keep your feelings in check - no, you phoned her to keep 'reality' in check!!!!!  Or both.  Either way, as a child you experienced your mother as changing reality.  Wow!  What power!!!  

You have a good therapist I think, asking the right questions!!!

R

I missed this thread    don't ask me how, but I gotta say I agree  with this.

[Portia]

Yep, no problem there. Edit: No problems all over the place, very helpful, knowledgeable, willing to share etc etc. CG….hug…Bunny’s advice. P

[Dawning]

Dear Wildflower,

Feelings are never, ever wrong.  They just are.  Feelings cannot be judged as right or wrong and don't let anyone tell you differently.  

Feelings aren’t meant to be kept inside to fester.

No, they aren't and you have every right to express your feelings and take ownership of them.  My therapist gave me some good advice (apologies if I've said this before.) She said - when confronting someone about your feelings, begin the sentence with "I feel/felt..."  So that is exactly what I did when I called my dad after getting his number for the first time in 20 years.  I had to repeat my name 5 times before he realized it was me.  Almost comical.  About an hour into the conversation, I ventured forward and said, "I felt as a child that your father hated me.  I felt that you were indifferent towards me."  (how could I not when he disappreared on me before I was 5 and took with him a father/daughter relationship)  The next day, I got an email from him telling me that my feelings about his father were "untrue."  Also, that he doesn't see himself as an indifferent person.  Fair enough, he's entitled to his voice as we all are.  I didn't respond to that mail though.  I told him how I felt on the phone and that was good enough for me.  I was sad about his email but, realized, that he is not at the level where he has awareness that feelings are not right/wrong...true/untrue.  

I don't intend that to stop me from expressing my feelings about things though.  In a self-controlled, unemotional way.  I will not let him dictate to me the right to express his feelings openly but I can't express mine without being judged!  That's bul*s*it.    

Thanks for posting this topic.  

Higs,
 

[Dawning]

Hi Bunny,

I make almost clinical decisions on what to do about them.

If you feel comfortable doing so, would you mind giving an example or two of what you mean by "clinical decisions?"

ta.