Author Topic: Highly Sensitive  (Read 7305 times)

Certain Hope

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Highly Sensitive
« on: August 28, 2007, 07:59:02 PM »
Okay, I've only dipped a toe into this topic in the past, so here is the beginning of a more formal dive... I mean exploration... into the realm of the Highly Sensitive Person, beginning with what I hope is some useful info. for those of us who have struggled with this. Personally, my goal is to reach a level of acceptance and let the struggle rest.


Pearl S. Buck, (1892-1973), recipient of the Pulitzer Prize in 1932 and of the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1938, said the following about Highly Sensitive People:

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:
A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.

To him... a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating." -Pearl S. Buck

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Excerpt from:   http://healing.about.com/od/empathic/a/HSP_hallowes_2.htm

"As we have come to know, Highly Sensitive People's systems are very porous, meaning that external stimuli seems to be more directly absorbed into their bodies. (It has been said that it is as if HSP "have no skin" to protect them from these outside stimuli.) Non-HSP generally are less porous and have natural defenses which defuse external stimuli thereby not directly impacting and overloading their nervous systems.

We have also learned that although many Highly Sensitive People are introverts, reserved, quiet or shy, there is a percentage that are high sensation seekers, or extroverts. And, although they seek adventure they also get overloaded and become over stimulated with the same results as the rest of the HSP.

So, if you've ever felt you were all alone in having these overwhelming feelings and the need to seek solitude and sanctuary, we hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone, and that you will benefit from some of the suggestions we present here."

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Two tests available here, one with 100 questions and also a link to a brief version with just  20 questions,
both arranged by Thomas Leonard, founder of Coach U and CoachVille.

http://www.coachville.com/tl/supersensitiveperson/selftest2.html

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And finally, another test from Elaine Aron's website

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

That's it for now :)

Hope

P.S. about the tests... at least one of them notes specifically that we shouldn't score ourselves based on how we may have compensated for sensitivities over the years, but rather from more of a baseline, to get a true reading.

mudpuppy

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2007, 09:01:14 PM »
So how sensitive were you CH?

I'm afraid I came out on the alligator hide end of the scale.

mud

Certain Hope

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2007, 10:01:28 PM »
So how sensitive were you CH?

I'm afraid I came out on the alligator hide end of the scale.

mud

I dunno yet, Mudski... I'm afraid to take the tests... lol.

No, I took one a few weeks ago and scored really high on the chart, but that was calculating into my responses alot of the adjustments I've made in my own life, to compensate. And seriously, I really am quite reluctant to deal with this, because of the stigma attached in my family to those who don't just buck up and deal with it. Well, I have dealt with it... but maybe not in the best ways. So I'm prayin about it, as far as preparing myself for the results and the right attitude, and will give the tests a go tomorrow when I'm (theoretically) fresh.

Mud, I wondered, would you say that your gator hide is due to being of the male gender or more specific to your individual personality/nurture?
More tomorrow :)

Hope

Certain Hope

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2007, 11:22:51 AM »
Well, Elaine Aron's test is the simplest and most straightforward, the same one I took several weeks ago, when I wasn't sure whether or not I was in full-disclosure- mode... or more likely, just didn't like the results.... But once again, I checked 26 out of 27 positive responses, so there's no doubt in my mind now.

Also took the Thomas Leonard (Coachville) long-form test; the brief version is not available now - says "coming soon".
Out of 100 questions, I "scored" 80 1/4, with anything above 70 meaning "hsp" - highly sensitive person. I didn't respond affirmatively to any of the questions which suggested that this business of hsp is a "gift", because it feels more like a curse. I've spent a lifetime in shame because it felt like a lack, a weakness, a far less than desireable trait to carry... with all of those negative feelings about myself and my weakness being sponsored & deeply encouraged by most of my family.
Then there was one family member, my aunt (mother's sister) who probably was "hsp", but she manifested these traits in a borderline p.d. manner, spewing them out like acid onto everyone within reach... especially me. I never felt that she was sensitive toward me, but only toward herself...  always wanting me to stroll through the thorns with her and wallow in the muck of her bitter resentments. I felt that she was mainly interested in creating a clone of herself, so that she'd have company in her misery.
And then there's my mother, who - were she honest - I believe would score at least as high as I have on these tests.
But she grew up with her sister's borderline-disordered type personality and I am sure she was appalled at the weakness of it. In her pride, she turned to N'ism
to bury her sensitivity... and she trained me to follow suit. That's my theory.

 So... I've spent my life hiding away my weaknesses and living in fear of what someone would think of me if they only knew how fragile I am.... isolated and withdrawn, often intimidating people or leaving them with the impression that I'm unfriendly, or a snob.
But I absolutely despised both examples set by my mother and my aunt, and I couldn't sustain the jovial act of my dad, who's only sensitive about people who don't find him amusing  :P (I see what that's about now, too... but it's a whole other story.) 
And now here I am, finally seeing the source of all this shame... the fact that not only did nobody in my family value my personality, but each in her/his own way set about to systematically destroy it.... me.
They wanted to destroy me because they saw me as weak.
For years it has troubled me that my Grandma (mother's mother) said something to me once, and I can't remember the context.  May have been after the birth of one of my first children... just can't recall... but she said, "I didn't know you had it in you."
That one little remark has haunted me, and angered me, for so long. I can kinda imagine how my mother and her sister turned out as they did. I loved my grandma, but I think she must have been quite the iron lady raising her girls...  but that legacy stops here.

I'll keep posting to this thread as more info becomes available, in case it may help some others who've felt that being "hsp" has boxed them into something less than an abundant life. First off, I have at least two children for whom this knowledge would have great application, so I'll be sharing this with them.
But for now, this is where my thoughts are... so here's an excerpt from one of Elaine Aron's old newsletters, titled:

Loneliness and Shedding the Protective Persona                          http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1Aug04.htm

......Let’s start with the role of the “persona” for HSPs.

The Adaptive Power Of A Strong Persona

One way that we HSPs use our sensitivity is to notice what’s expected of us, what others consider normal, what others want--and then do that. We develop an adaptable, adaptive persona. “Persona” is the term Carl Jung used for the part of ourselves that we employ to deal with the collective world, the mask we wear. (Persona was the Greek word for the mask worn by players in a drama.) With it on, we fit in perfectly, even shine. Behind it, we can be ourselves. Sensitive men in most cultures really have to work to develop their persona, one that says, “I’m as much as man as any of you” or at least “I am doing my own thing and I don’t care a bit what you think of me.” But sensitive women have to do it too--to look outgoing, energetic, tough, interested, and not very sensitive, even when they feel otherwise.

I think the persona functions in another way for HSPs. By imitating others’ reactions to life and situations, we “borrow” their less sensitive emotional response. Being HSPs, we are more emotional, even if we have learned to hide it (see Reflections on Research). If we are more emotional, we have to become experts at regulating our emotions--that is, finding ways to keep our emotions from getting out of hand and overwhelming us. One way to do that is to imitate the responses of others, borrowing their calmness or simple lack of reaction to help us regulate our emotions. Animals do this all the time, without bothering with personas. Emotional reactions in social animals are designed to be contagious. When one member notices danger and becomes frightened, or notices food and becomes excited, all the others notice this emotional response and instantly feel it too. Sensitive animals, humans included, are usually the leaders in this regard. Emotional contagion is one of the big advantages of living in a group. And it also works to keep social animals calm. We’re all less anxious when we are around supportive others. And if there’s a noise and if the non-sensitive majority ignore it, we sensitive ones may decide we can too. After all, there’s safety in numbers and in the evaluation of a situation by the majority.

But we humans can also choose to imitate a calm persona, even when no one calm is around. I did it the first time I took my son on an airplane. Prior to that I was a bit afraid of flying. No self-respecting HSP can ignore being in a tin can hurtling at 800 miles an hour, 30,000 feet above the ground, piloted by God-knows-who but certainly not an HSP, while just outside the window the temperature would freeze you if the lack of oxygen did not get you first, forget about the likely explosion and hitting the ground at whatever speed you would hit. But I knew I had to be calm for my son, so I pretended calm. I put on a calm persona. But in pretending, I actually felt it, like the lyrics of the song in The King and I about “Whenever I feel afraid I whistle a happy tune; the happiness in the tune convinces me that I’m not afraid.”

Actually, my fear of flying was put to rest by all the means we have discussed. I also watched flight attendants, who stay calm no matter what, and borrowed their persona. And I thought about how they and the obviously experienced travelers, usually businessmen, had flown thousands of flights and were being calm about this one too. So I was being calmed by emotional contagion. My “herd” saw no problem. Sometimes a herd is a good thing.

Shedding Personas

So a good persona helps us both to fit into a non-HSP world and to control our emotions when we need to. However, there’s a high cost, in that we can be so busy creating and improving on that mask that we identify with it. We have forgotten to pay attention to the one behind the mask, whom we were trying to protect. We don’t even know who that is any more. We still have reactions, feelings, and opinions, but they are muted, sometimes to the point of being unconscious and almost non-existent.

Sooner or later, HSPs realize they have made a pact with the devil, so to speak. They have lost themselves. They have squelched their own reactions for the sake of fitting in or staying calm. When they break free, I call them “liberated HSPs.” And what makes a group of HSPs so exciting for its members is that they gradually realize they can shed their persona, or some of it--the part that adapts to non-HSPs. They don’t have to be ashamed of their emotions. They can be FREE! At least a little.

A group of HSPs can also reduce one particular fear, of being overwhelmed by our own emotions. We receive at least a taste of another way to manage their emotions, by being in the presence of others who understand and will not shame you by asking, “Why must you get so worked up about every little thing?” Or cause guilt by saying “it upsets me to see you so sad.” Instead, the whole group of HSPs will probably say something like, “Yeah, that’s okay, we would react the same way,” and maybe “Here’s how we cope when it gets to be too much.”


Loneliness and HSPs

If we belong to no one at all, how does one cope with it? That depends on the reason for the loneliness. Some HSPs are lonely because they have recently lost the person to whom they were closest, often for many years. Loneliness while grieving such a loss is a very natural state, and does gradually resolve itself as you become closer to others. No one will replace the person who is lost, but other relationships do fill in the gap. That is the probable purpose of grief--it is actually a “social emotion” signaling to others that we feel bad specifically because of a loss, and so others come and fill in as best as they can for the missing companion. So how do you cope? By letting the right others know about your grief and letting them spend time with you. It’s something people generally want to do. It’s instinctive. You would do it for them.

If you are lonely because you have moved, or if you are older and many of your closest friends have passed on, you have to make an extra effort to make new friends because people may not know you need companionship. It’s best to seek out others who also need to make friends--others new to the area or newly bereaved. Or people who understand your need and want to help you. Places of worship are excellent for this. Having a paid counselor for a time can also bridge the gap while you find new friends.

Sometimes when we are lonely, if we look closely, we find that one small change would help a great deal. For example, perhaps you are mainly aware that where you live you are surrounded by strangers. Who would you call on for help? Who could you have a chat with at the spur of the moment, maybe over some sudden, distressing news on the radio. Maybe you can solve this kind of loneliness fairly easily, by simply meeting some of your neighbors. Neighbors generally like it when someone takes the first step. If you enjoy your first chat, have them over for tea or whatever next. No big deal, but enough time to chat. They want to be able to count on you in a crisis, too.

Or perhaps as an HSP you need to rest and be away from people on the weekend, but by the end of it you feel lonely. Then you need to plan something social for every weekend, preferably in the middle of it, so you can recover Sunday night. That may be all you need.

Loneliness That is Harder to Remedy

Other causes of loneliness are more difficult, in a way, since they are often in part the result of the lonely person’s own habitual thinking and behavior. Anything about us that makes it harder for us to meet people and become intimate with them can lead to loneliness.

If you are aware of your own role in your loneliness, and if you realize that you have made a free choice, that could help. For example, most of us who are HSPs are somewhat fussy about who we spend time with. We don’t like phoniness, impulsiveness, or ignorance. So even if we meet many people, we make friends with only a few. And if we prefer not to go out much, we may not be meeting enough to find any suitable friends. Or the suitable ones have already become friends with those who have been more available. Maybe we are even holding out for our ideal close friend. So you can choose. If the loneliness is stronger than the need for a perfect conversation, you can always lower your standards.

But sometimes these high standards are all just an excuse because of deeper fears. Many of us are not meeting people or getting close to them out of a fear rejection, especially rejection by those with whom we would most want to be close. Those who are available and interested in us are almost by our definition not appealing. Fear of rejection is not a good feeling, but how do you get rid of it? First, you have to figure out why you fear rejection. Is it common with you? If so, you have to figure out why you have this pattern and work on that. Is it because you were unpopular and rejected as a child? Was that due to your sensitivity or something else? Whatever made you self-conscious then, is it really still a problem now? And is popularity with everyone really what you want now? Or was the problem more at home, that your parents criticized you or rejected, abandoned, or neglected you. Children generally decide there’s something wrong with them when this happens. That can make it difficult not to fear rejection everywhere.

The most important remedy in the present is to get away from the general fear that everyone will reject you by looking at the specifics. Consider if a rejection or feared rejection might be due to something about the person or situation. Okay, maybe you are right and you will be rejected, but that might only be due to there not being time for the other person to get to know you properly. Or the person is too busy with other friends to make a new friend, no matter who you are. Or maybe he or she is a total snob and not worth your time anyway. Think about the times you have not been rejected, the people who have loved you. Don’t they count? Don’t they know more about you than a stranger?

Again, the important thing is to not expect rejection every where you go, but to get specific about who you can and can’t expect to like you and under what circumstances. Keep thinking about the kind of people who do like you and try to meet more like them. Think about the situations in which you shine, and try to be in them when you meet people.

Is It Really Loneliness?

Sometimes I have found that people feel lonely, especially single persons or those without an immediate family near them, even when they have many loving friends. This requires some careful exploration. Often these lonely ones were traumatized by being left alone too much as children. Those who should have supported them when they needed it most were not there. In this case, they are really being upset in the present by something that has already happened to them in the past and may not be relevant at all now.

It’s amazingly common, this fear of what has already happened that feels like a fear of what is going to happen. For example, as adults we usually do not need people to be as supportive as we needed them to be when we were children. But we may feel lonely because we are afraid that no one will really be there for us when we need them, having had that experience as a child. The fact is, friends always help each other out in a crisis. Even strangers are usually glad to help out. Furthermore, when things are going well, we may not need or even want constant support from friends, people treating us like children. Seeing all of this can sometimes get your loneliness in perspective.

Others are surrounded by friends but still lonely because their friendships are not intimate--they do not involve disclosing deep things about each other and finding that is accepted. Sometimes people lack the skills, but more often they are just afraid to be close. They believe, perhaps quite unconsciously, that if the other really knows them, it’s then that they can expect rejection, betrayal, abandonment. Again, these are fears of things that have already happened. In my books I have written quite a bit about “insecure attachment styles,” which develop in about forty percent of children and persist into adulthood unless we work to change them, which I have also discussed elsewhere. The work is not easy--these kinds of defenses are meant to keep us safe from hurt and so they are difficult to overcome.

Finally, some HSPs tell me they feel lonely only in crowds. Well, yes, we all do. Crowds are full of strangers. But there is that old saying that a stranger is just a friend you have not met yet. If someone near you is alone, speak up and surprise yourself. I know, it sounds just horribly corny. But say hello. The other person is also a social being who needs and likes contact as much as you. And any way you say it, the only cure for loneliness is human contact.

On the other hand, if you don’t need or want to say hello, maybe you aren’t lonely after all. Maybe in the past others have seen you off by yourself and told you that you must be lonely--they would be--even if in fact you had chosen to be alone. Maybe the truth is that you are just being an HSP, taking some down time or protecting yourself from overstimulation, and you are just fine with that.


:)

Hope

 







teartracks

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #4 on: August 29, 2007, 02:18:47 PM »



CH,

Old Mud 'evolved' from salamander to crock - a -  gator.  That's all! :lol: :P

tt

finding peace

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2007, 05:10:46 PM »
Dear Hope,

You’ve done it again!  Gotten the old brain percolating. 

I LOVE this thread.

At first, I was nervous to take the test (my Mother called me overly sensitive all my life - didn't want to prove her right! :lol:).

Well - I started with the long one, but didn't complete it.  As you said, I found a lot of the questions were bent too far in a positive direction – it just didn’t fit with my experiences.  The short one I found easier to take.

As I suspected and as much as I don't want to admit it :::whispering through gritted teeth – shewasrightscored24::: 

But then, got to thinking about it, and no she wasn't entirely right.  She was right about the sensitive part - but she was not right in attaching a negative to this (calling me high maintenance, overly sensitive, too sensitive, yada, yada).

It is not a good or bad thing - it just is.  It is the way I was "built."  A lot of peace in that phrase – it just is.

I have 2 daughters with very different temperaments.  One is very sensitive the other is a tough little thing.  I parent them differently.  As I see it, I have no right to ask them to change their intrinsic nature to suit me and my needs.  My job is to learn their nature, and help them learn the best way to live life given how they were “built.”  It is up to me to parent them according to who they are – not who I am. If that makes any sense?  It isn’t always easy, as I have to stretch to meet them from where they are coming from, but it is very worth it. 

My parents were forever trying to force me into a mold I didn’t fit – and I think this is one of the key elements to the poor/negative self image I had.  I was a hypersensitive child being raised by hyposensitive children (often had the thought that we were oil and water).   

Sorry rambling again – but my brain is leaping all over the place on this one!  Here was another thought:

Do you think Ns are hyper-hyper-sensitive people who couldn’t handle it and so completely dissociated from their sensitivity by cutting off the empathy and compassion for others and creating a false personality? 

Not sure about this, but would seem to explain some of the characteristics of Ns – the enraged response to any sort of criticism no matter how small (be it constructive or not constructive); the ability to read people so well that they can then use what the read to their own advantage;…

Mind still racing :lol:
Peace
- Life is a journey not a destination

Poppyseed

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2007, 05:27:09 PM »

As I suspected and as much as I don't want to admit it :::whispering through gritted teeth – shewasrightscored24::: 

But then, got to thinking about it, and no she wasn't entirely right.  She was right about the sensitive part - but she was not right in attaching a negative to this (calling me high maintenance, overly sensitive, too sensitive, yada, yada).

It is not a good or bad thing - it just is.  It is the way I was "built."  A lot of peace in that phrase – it just is.

I have 2 daughters with very different temperaments.  One is very sensitive the other is a tough little thing.  I parent them differently.  As I see it, I have no right to ask them to change their intrinsic nature to suit me and my needs.  My job is to learn their nature, and help them learn the best way to live life given how they were “built.”  It is up to me to parent them according to who they are – not who I am. If that makes any sense?  It isn’t always easy, as I have to stretch to meet them from where they are coming from, but it is very worth it. 

My parents were forever trying to force me into a mold I didn’t fit – and I think this is one of the key elements to the poor/negative self image I had.  I was a hypersensitive child being raised by hyposensitive children (often had the thought that we were oil and water).   

Sorry rambling again – but my brain is leaping all over the place on this one!  Here was another thought:

Do you think Ns are hyper-hyper-sensitive people who couldn’t handle it and so completely dissociated from their sensitivity by cutting off the empathy and compassion for others and creating a false personality? 

Not sure about this, but would seem to explain some of the characteristics of Ns – the enraged response to any sort of criticism no matter how small (be it constructive or not constructive); the ability to read people so well that they can then use what the read to their own advantage;…

Mind still racing :lol:
Peace

[/quote]

JanetLG

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2007, 06:48:50 PM »
Peace,

I did the shorter test, too, and got 19 out of 25.

Like you, at first I thought 'Oh, bum.'

I had read through Hope's Pearl S Buck quote at the top of this thread and thought 'That's me, that is', but going through those statements in the test and deciding that they *were* applicable to me just rubbed it in, in a negative way.

But then, like you, I reconsidered that.

It wasn't *ME* who said that being sensitive was 'over-sensitive' - that label was applied to me by others. But the negative idea does stick, doesn't it?

The bit that really hit me from the quote was about the need to 'create, create, create'...if I can't do that in some way everyday - designing embroidery, dressmaking, gardening - I feel awful, like I'm not really alive.


Janet


mudpuppy

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2007, 07:57:56 PM »
Quote
Mud, I wondered, would you say that your gator hide is due to being of the male gender or more specific to your individual personality/nurture?


 Good question. I think most men who were really honest would probably score higher than me so I suspect it may be a combination of the things you mention.
 On the long test I scored 9 1/2, and 4 of that was from the childhood questions where I went through a shy stage during adolescence.
 I suspect the test renders mere obliviousness, which I possess in spades, as not being sensitive.

Seems to me there is a simple, one question test that's probably just as acuurate; did you cry when Ol' Yeller died?

Incidentally tt, a mudpuppy is far more advanced than any alligator. My brain approaches twice the size of the crocodillian's walnut.

mud

Certain Hope

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2007, 08:12:49 PM »
Quote
Mud, I wondered, would you say that your gator hide is due to being of the male gender or more specific to your individual personality/nurture?


 Good question. I think most men who were really honest would probably score higher than me so I suspect it may be a combination of the things you mention.
 On the long test I scored 9 1/2, and 4 of that was from the childhood questions where I went through a shy stage during adolescence.
 I suspect the test renders mere obliviousness, which I possess in spades, as not being sensitive.

Seems to me there is a simple, one question test that's probably just as acuurate; did you cry when Ol' Yeller died?

Incidentally tt, a mudpuppy is far more advanced than any alligator. My brain approaches twice the size of the crocodillian's walnut.

mud

 :)... thanks, Mud.  I kinda have a hunch that males were wired for obliviousness (or is that obliviousity?)
But I also have a hunch that if you saw a woman sad and upset, you wouldn't elbow her in the ribs and insist that she buck up and smile.
There's a big difference between oblivious and insensitive, in my book.

and Dear Peace,

I'm glad if this thread helps :) ... I've been dreading it for some time, but it just seemed to be next on the list of issues to be addressed.


I can imagine how it felt to have your mother label you overly sensitive.
I pretty much labeled myself that way... don't even remember when, but always felt it was a very shameful thing.
Although my mother never said that outright to me, I always knew that she herself was easily
set off by the least little thing, and that it was vital for me to never react, let alone to over-react.
Her requirements were the ones that had to be recognized and provision made.

Come to think of it, my dad was the one always telling me that I needed to grow a thicker skin.
As I recall, he said that alot, I guess because I was so quiet and somber... because I sure don't remember
ever going to him with a concern, as a child, and he never, ever asked me what was wrong, why I was upset or quiet or anything else.
Just "Smile!!!" But I don't think he ever had to convince me that he'd be no help... that was abundantly obvious.

Feels like I need to keep working through this, because it does still seem like a bad thing, to me. I'm having trouble finding a neutral mode about this.
It's most definitely a thing that I've tried to keep covered and hidden throughout my life.
"It just is"... yup, that's a good one :)  But I also know that I need to learn more about how to
care for what is, in order to not so overwound and dragged out. So I think that the articles at Elaine Aron's website and
others around the net will be helpful. I hope so.

Oh, and I absolutely agree with what you wrote about parenting our kids according to who they are!
Despite the fact that I had no example to follow, wow... I do feel like I've always enjoyed discovering my kids' natural
inclinations, gifts, and personalities. Sure wish our parents had felt that sort of excitement and anticipation at discovering
who we were, instead of seeing us as extensions of themselves. ((((((Peace))))) that part really stinks.   

You wrote:  "Do you think Ns are hyper-hyper-sensitive people who couldn’t handle it
and so completely dissociated from their sensitivity by cutting off the empathy and compassion for others and creating a false personality?"


I think it's a possibility, yes... but only a partial explanation.
This has been part of the reason for my dread at exploring this area... and also part of the reasonwhy I really needed to look into it now.
I've been remembering some more about how nervous and tense and easily drained my mother was when I was very young.
Riding in the car, for instance... for seemingly no reason at all, she'd practically slide down onto the floorboard, while dad was driving... as though he'd just had a close call with another vehicle. He's not an awful driver or anything... that's just how she was... very melodramatic, I thought. Or maybe she really was terrified? And if so, where did all that terror go? Into control, by the looks of it.
And she always seemed so drained, exhausted by just about everything. There's alot more to it, but I can see how she maybe put on this N mask and now it's super-glued to her personality. However, her envy and jealousy have been constant factors, I believe, throughout her life... and she certainly isn't a bit sensitive when it comes to recognizing other peoples' needs and trying to make them comfortable.

And here I am... struggled with this all of my life, too... but I just wonder, if I hadn't been so determined to NOT turn into her, and then if I hadn't encountered the crises that've come into my life, if I might not have gone down the same road. That bothers me considerably at the moment.

Hugs,
Hope



mudpuppy

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #10 on: August 29, 2007, 09:17:54 PM »
Quote
But I also have a hunch that if you saw a woman sad and upset, you wouldn't elbow her in the ribs and insist that she buck up and smile.

No way!

I'd just figure she was highly sensitive and go make myself a sandwich. 8)

mud

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2007, 09:59:03 PM »
I took the short one and got 15.
But as I answered, I kept thinking that when I was younger I would've scored higher.
I think learning something about having a self, though my work's not completed by a long shot, has decreased my reactivity.
(Good thing, too, because it was exhausting suffering so much.)

I wrote once that I used to feel like a naked oyster with no shell, lying on the Interstate, with semi-trailers roaring toward me.

Now I feel more like a mussel, still got a shell but I have hauled it over to the shoulder and I'm sitting in the grass.

Enough with the seafood. Anyway, I DO react strongly to loud noise...always sticking fingers in my ears.

Mud, I don't think it matters how sensitive you are in the moment because in the core of you, you are a deeply honorable person with the intention for serious good. So if you missed a cue now and then, nobody'd care.

I think the insensitive aren't just those who miss cues (that may be inborn), but those who don't care what the cues mean.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

teartracks

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #12 on: August 29, 2007, 11:13:17 PM »


Hi CH,

I scored 60 on the 100 question test.  I scored highest on the first 20 questions.  It was my childhood that was so messed up.  I learned a lot of coping skills over the years. 

The saddest part of this test was that out of all the people I was in contact with, I can only remember two that recognized my individuality.  One beloved teacher and one old maid neighbor.  Looking back, I feel sure the old maid yearned for children and probably would have given anything to have me as her child.  There was complete disharmony in my FOO.  My dad had the capacity to be a very good dad, but was so captivated by the 'milkmaid' beauty, that for the most part, we sibs got lost in the shuffle of trying to make sense of all the manipulation and lies that were nonstop.

Good subject.  Good input form you and others.

tt   
« Last Edit: August 29, 2007, 11:21:01 PM by teartracks »

Certain Hope

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2007, 09:44:04 AM »
Hi,


Thank you all so much for your contributions here. Exploring this topic creates alot of vulnerability and it sure helps to not be alone in it.

Hops, you wrote that learning something about having a self has decreased your reactivity...  and I really would have thought you'd score higher! Well, you know what I mean, I hope.
Oh, I'm looking forward to that! :)  It's only been in the past year or so that I've begun to recognize my true self... along with all the ways that had been covered... and only in the past few months that I've traced that self back to the early times, wondering which parts are inborn and which were complicated by nurture (or lack of it).
What is important to me now is... I want this to be about who I genuinely am, and not about working so hard to avoid being like my mother.
This is the truth, I believe:
"I think the insensitive aren't just those who miss cues (that may be inborn), but those who don't care what the cues mean."

What I know is that if my mother had seen my daughter sitting glumly at the table when she was 10 years old, she would not have asked why... she would not have dug for the causes... and the abuse would have continued. I've never thought of it this way before, but it's a fact and cuts to the core of why I find her so despicable. I am so thankful to see this now because it's proof positive that I am not like her. If she's highly sensitive and that's why she put on this mask, then it's surely not the sort of sensitivity being described in this hsp info... it's N-sensitivity. Now I see the difference.

Besee, I realize that I don't know your history... but I know what you mean about what's to do with what & "what can be changed and what needs to be accepted." That's the maze. Mostly I think that the challenge here is to really pay close attention to what's going on within, as unsettling as that can be, and learn to heed the signs. I'm thinking of keeping a sort of stimulation logbook... recording how I feel in the midst of this or that, before and after a particular experience... just for once, making note, instead of trying to keep plowing through it all. I am quite a plower! I was going to say that everything in me resists this sort of self-indulgence, but that's the critical-parent voice again. There is nothing wrong with practicing awareness!! In this case, I can see how it could relieve alot of stress.
I will do some study on this concept of "internalized oppression", because that sure is an apt description of what I feel... thank you!
Your experience in Japan sounds so lovely... my 16 yo daughter has that sort of energetically sensitive essence about her and so I know what you mean! I'm finding her to be a great role model, actually... she grins when I tell her that :)  xoxo

Teartracks, I found that portion of the test very sad, too. There was just one teacher who seemed to see my burden... but she had her own struggles with hardness. You were blessed to have two, and yet I know that their efforts and your connection with them was probably far too limited.
I don't know what you mean about your dad being "captivated by the milkmaid beauty", tt. I think it means that he was interested in pursuing young love (from his children?!), but I'm not sure and thought I should say so.

Will try to post another article later today.

Hope

P.S. Mud! Making a sammich would likely be the most prudent choice. Returning to offer the sad lady half would be sweet, tho :)





finding peace

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Re: Highly Sensitive
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2007, 09:58:39 AM »
Hi Hope,

I wrote some of this yesterday - and it looks like you came to some of the same conclusions I did since then!!  Posting anyway ....

You said:
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Although my mother never said that outright to me, I always knew that she herself was easily set off by the least little thing, and that it was vital for me to never react, let alone to over-react.  Her requirements were the ones that had to be recognized and provision made.
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It was the same in my house, except it was my father.  Your mother's behaviour may have been a sign of a highly sensitive person, but I think it was a malignant hypersensitivty - one where she felt pain and lashed out at those around her.  May be due to extreme sensitivity, but nonetheless unacceptable behavior IMO. 

To me high sensitivity and narcissistic (or self-absorbed) sensitivity are two very different things. 

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Come to think of it, my dad was the one always telling me that I needed to grow a thicker skin.  As I recall, he said that alot, I guess because I was so quiet and somber... because I sure don't remember ever going to him with a concern, as a child, and he never, ever asked me what was wrong, why I was upset or quiet or anything else.  Just "Smile!!!" But I don't think he ever had to convince me that he'd be no help... that was abundantly obvious.
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I got the “you need to grow a thicker skin too,” and by saying this it seems to me he was negating you.  If instead he said to you, honey, you feel things, see things, and hear things, at a deeper level than a lot of people.  When they say things like this to you, try to understand that they don’t understand how it makes you feel, because they are different.  Would that have made a difference in how you felt about yourself?

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Feels like I need to keep working through this, because it does still seem like a bad thing, to me. I'm having trouble finding a neutral mode about this.  It's most definitely a thing that I've tried to keep covered and hidden throughout my life. 
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Yup – that is why I love what you posted.  Before you posted this thread I was the same way.  I have worked my entire life to minimize this part of me. 

I now have a much deeper understanding that it is a physiological difference (I am not histrionic, I am not overly dramatic, I am not too sensitive).  I am similar to a lefty living in a predominantly right-handed world. 

If you saw a little girl in obvious distress, crying her eyes out, because someone called her a mean name – would you think for one second she should be ashamed of herself because she couldn’t quit crying about it – or her skin wasn’t thicker?

From everything I have read that you posted – I know the answer to this - no way!

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I also know that I need to learn more about how to care for what is, in order to not so overwound and dragged out. So I think that the articles at Elaine Aron's website and others around the net will be helpful. I hope so.
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This is the other reason I love what you posted.  It has already helped me tremendously.  Now that I realize I am hardwired differently, I can accept (and not be ashamed) that I can’t stand crowds, loud noises, that I have a lower threshold for pain, for being sensitive, for being unable to function in groups as efficiently as I function one on one.  Now that I know that I am hardwired differently, I can remind myself that when someone says something that I find hurtful, it may never have been intended that way in the first place balanced with the knowledge that it may well have been.  When a loud noise hurts my ears – it is ok to ask that the volume be turned down or that I remove myself to quiet the inner turmoil.  If I need down time to come to grips with overstimulation – I can do this and not feel ashamed of myself for not having a thicker skin.    By releasing the shame, and recognizing and accepting this is a part of me, I can adapt and learn to live with it.  As lefty’s learn to do, I can learn to live in a world that is predominantly geared to people different than me.

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This has been part of the reason for my dread at exploring this area... and also part of the reason why I really needed to look into it now.... but I just wonder, if I hadn't been so determined to NOT turn into her, and then if I hadn't encountered the crises that've come into my life, if I might not have gone down the same road. That bothers me considerably at the moment.
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It is what we make out of what we were given that defines us, not what we were born with.  Everyone has the potential to be a murderer, everyone.  So why isn’t everyone?  It is the choices we make.  You are not an N because of the choices you made. 

Some say that an N is “made” by the age of 5.  I may be wrong, but I don’t necessarily agree with this.  I find it difficult to think that a 5 year old has the wherewithal to develop a complete “false mask” by that age. I believe that the “seed” may be planted by a very early age, along with a lot of other seeds, but it is environmental influences and the choice we make that determine which seed gets watered and grows to fruition. 

Understanding about highly sensitive people does make me feel more compassion for my parents.  If it is true that a highly sensitive predisposition contributes to the development of an N, it breaks my heart to think of it.  They were once small babies who were in desperate need of love as well.  Hops, Janet, Ami, and CB really helped me with this when I first starting posting here.

I had so much compassion for my mother, that in essence I was indirectly giving her permission to continue to hurt me.  I used to say to myself that she is injured, and can't help herself, and therefore it is ok.  But you know what, it is NOT ok that she continues to hurt me.  By the time I came along, the damage was done and I could not fix it for her or for him. I was left with the aftermath.  While I understand it and my heart breaks for them, it does not require that I accept the way they treat me.  I hope that this makes sense.

The goodness, strength, compassion, gentleness and sensitivity of your spirit shines through your words and in my view, is nothing to be ashamed of.  Because of your sensitivity and willingness to share – my life has been enriched, and I am deeply grateful to you (and your sensitivity).

Much love to you,
Peace
- Life is a journey not a destination