Have you seen this?

[Kas]

Hello all, this is my first time here and I am pleased yet saddened to see so many sufferers.

I am just coming to realize my situation.  I have been married to my second husband for 4 years.  The anger started almost immediately but all of the other N traits have really only been apparent to me recently (they've been there but apparently, I am blind!).  

As I said, this is my second marriage.  I have three children from my first.  They are most often the source of his anger and frustration but lately he has targeted me too.  I am often the buffer between he and my kids.

I have been to counseling for my daughter for here "problems" with him but I brought him into it with the hopes that he might see a pattern in himself that he needs to change but he thinks that it is the kids and me that are the source of all of his problems.  He doesn't need counseling, medication or anything.

I stopped taking her for a few months and now he is targeting the second daughter as "trouble".  She is nine.  I got on the phone immediately (I do what he wants as soon as he asks) and made an appointment.   I started up this week - just me but my daughter will go with me on a future visit.

When I got there I caught the counselor up on life and how it had been going and he asked about our sex life - in a previous visit I had told him that H and I had a very active sex life.  I confessed that I was noticing that is has a lot more to do with him and his needs than in it being a beautiful act of loving....he has admitted as much occasionally but defends himself by saying that it is normal.  Why didn't I see this earlier?  What has been blinding me?

He also for as long as I can remember obsessed about the size of himself.   He constantly exposes himself to me and asks if I have ever seen a grown man naked (Airplane joke) and if I like it.  What is that about?  Why must he need constant reassurance of his manliness.  Truly, he is a beautifully built, well endowed man.  Lately, I just smile and try not to say anything.  I am really tired of it.  

He becomes angry with me if I fall asleep before he can get to bed thereby not having the sex he was expecting.  He is angry at me and frustrated if I go to the store in the morning while he is sleeping on the weekend, thereby not available for his morning sex.  I admit, I have begun to avoid him but can you blame me?  It seems I am only the receptical anyway and what pleasure is there in that.

I found it sadly refreshing to see so many of you saying that in your situations it is always about the N and that there is so much drama.  Thank you for being here sharing your stories.  I hope to learn much and travel far in my journey living with a man who is possibly N, OCD and dare I say, a sexual addict???

If any of you can offer some meaning to my situation I would sure appreciate it.

Kath

[surf14]

HI Kas;
  I'm sorry for your situation. Its just my opinion buI feel in a blended family like yours the raising of your daughters should be left almost exclusively to you ie you should be making all the decisions concerning rearing as well as doing the disciplining and boundary setting.  Your husband's role should be to provide background support  to you and the girls as needed like providing rides to school and other activities etc.   I'm sure your girls would much rather relate  to you exclusively The sex issueon most domestic issues considering that he treats you all like you're all just a pain to him.

 In terms of the sex issue, it sounds like he just uses you.  That has to be a disheartening feeling.  I'm sorry but he sounds terribly N like he doesn't concern himself at all with your needs and feelings.  Has your therapist offered any suggestions as to how to manage him?  If he's already angry at all of you most of the time I'm sure he wouldn't  react well to boundary-setting but that is what  you must do if you are to salvage your self-esteem.  Sorry I couln't be more positive.  

Surf

[Kas]

I thank you for your reply and concern.

I have tried very hard to let him know that I am to discipline the kids but time and time he steps in literally in front of me and starts tyrading about what one of them has done right into his or her face.  It is a sad situation.
To top that off, he doesn't even like my parenting style....I am not hard enough on them, not consistent enough, etc. etc.  You would think I knew nothing about kids but I have spent the better part of 15 years working with special students so go figure.

As for suggestions, I just got into this with my therapist but yes, he did offer some suggestions and I will try to implement them when I get a chance to talk with him/H.  I don't often get a chance to do that...he seems to always have something to say to me, share his stuff but rarely do I get to do that with him.  I like the word "boundaries" right now it goes along well with the wall I am building.
 

I am not discouraged yet!  I still have hope that something/someone will kick him in the ass and help him to realize what he will lose if he doesn't get his life straightened out and learn how to care and be empathetic towards his family.

Thanks Surf,
Kas

[Kas]

I feel such guilt for writing negative things about my H. He really is such a brilliant man with such great ideals. My feelings are so torn. I am so sad and withered when he is in a mood but I see through it and view the goodness he possesses. What can I do? I can't stand the anger and abusive behavior but I love the man that he can be. Is there hope? Will he figure it out? or will I find myself here trying to type out my misery because I can't say it anywhere else? I have already told you all more than I have shared with anyone. Can I keep this up for 40 more years? I know I ramble but I feel great dispair today. I must protect my children and myself from the destruction of our psyche. How much tolerance do I project? I have learned that it is nearly impossible to argue with H and get anywhere. He isn't one to talk through things because he just says "I must be the biggest loser ever" or some such comment and then I feel guilty. Just needed to express this morning. If anyone out there knows the feelings and can relate....thanks

[lynn]

Hi Kas,

Welcome to the board.  
I was married to my N for 23 years.  I am currently in the process of a divorce.  Yes I relate to your story.

It is amazing how helpful this forum can be.  When I first  came here, I was enlightened by reading the posts and learning from others stories.   Not just those with an N-spouse.... you can read the posts from Adult Children of N's and see how your story might unfold from your KID's perspective.  How will having an N-father effect their lives??

You ask the question? Will he ever change?  For most people here, the N in their life never changes.  There seems to be a pattern for N-type-folks.  In fact, it was uncanny for me.  As I gained understanding about narcicissm, I would make a statement and my NH would respond as if he were reading the example out of my book.

Regarding your concerns about sex with your H.  I completely understand.  As years went by, the feeling of emptiness... of being a vessel, became greater and more intense.  For me, he would carrying on with his typical N-behavior.  It could be boasting about his accomplishments, sharing his plans for the future.  IT could be yelling at the kids or at me.  It didn't really matter what "content" of his words, they had a way of cutting me down.  Always these insidious comments.  The extra words, the tone of voice which put me in my place.  

Then we would get in the bedroom and he would begin saying how beautiful I was.  How much he loved me.  I am embarrassed to say that it took me years to get this scene straight in my mind.  I would hear the words, "I love you" and want to believe them.  Yet EVERYTHING else screamed at me that he didn't love me at all.  

We talked about this discrepency many times.  How his actions didn't match his words.  How it made me feel.  He would, of course, tell me that I was wrong/confused/making things up.  I'd get no where in the discussions.  

Do I think you NH will change?  Kas, I don't thing so.

Do you ever feel that he is not really in love with you.... instead he is in love with the "idea" of you?  That he is enamored with himself, his story, his body.  That he needs you in the "supporting character" role to act out his life?  Do the problems arise when you open your mouth and say something?  Perhaps the You-Character in his head doesn't say that line.... she only says complimentary, compliant type lines.  And here you are opening your mouth and messing up the scene.  Are you a vessel because you are a character in His story?  

Kas, I belive that we all have the right to be a real person and not a character in someone elses story.  That is what finding your voice is all about.

Be real,

lynnn