I have an enormous family and my mother has always treated us all very differently. I have been the target of her attacks for most of my life. She has constantly put me down. She was verbally and physically abusive. Especially when I was becoming a woman and started looking good (before this I went through a gawky period with long skinny legs, freckles, etc). She literally attacked me when I got my period for the first time. When my body was becoming more of a woman's she attacked me daily. She was only satisfied when I was crying and a mess. When I was feeling good, she'd shoot me down hard. She used to pretend that she was me on the phone (she sounds like me enough to do this!) and tell my friends things that would make them angry. She would tell me that I'm evil and God didn't like/love me or was punishing me. She has always been ultra "religious". Anyways, my older sister told me that she thought that mom was/is jealous of me because I looked better than her, etc. Strange and twisted but I felt when she said it that there was truth in it. She has always pit the others in the family against me. She would isolate me from the others, wouldn't let me watch tv while everyone else was, would tell them not to talk/ hang out with me because I was "bad". I still have no idea what was "bad" about me. I never got bad grades, never got into trouble, never even dated in high school. But she still had/has this destruction campaign waged against me.
Anyways, my sister Eileen is a "good" kid and she has two children. Her campaign of destruction against me has taken a twist since I have become a mother. My mother favors Eileen's children over mine (I have 3). She believes Eileen's kids are hers (no exaggeration here. She truly believes that these are HER children, not her grandchildren and Eileen lets her do this). And now she compares "her" children to my children. It's so aggravating. I have six other sisters and two brothers yet my mother usually only discusses Eileen and her kids to me every time we talk. I have told her repeatedly I don't want to talk about them, have hung up on her when she does, etc. when she brings them up but she won't let up unless I cut her off for a while and then she'll behave until she reels me back in and then "whammo" back to how Eileen and her family compare to mine. Just to give you an example of how she turns every conversation around to Eileen: mom: "Is it raining there? me: "yes" mom: "Oh, it's raining at Eileen's house to (we live in the SAME town). Oh, and by the way, Eileen... blah blah blah.
I feel almost like an outcast even on this board because both my mother and my MIL and also my BIL are all N's!!! Full blown cookie cutter N's. My H had not spoken to his mother or brother in over a month (yay H!!). And I have limited contact to almost nothing with my mother. It just really hurts to not have any mother in my life. Even my own sisters don't get it as my mother attacks me in private (on the phone, when noone else is there, etc.) And my mother gives them a different story. "Oh, E is so hard to talk to," etc. And so my siblings tell me stuff like "You two jsut have different personalities". It's so invalidating for noone to see it/ get it. My mother is a master of manipulating people and they literally don't see/ hear what she does to me and then gets on the phone and twists the story to make me look bad and her innocent. Typical N, I know.
She always seems to hone in on my weak spots and attacks. For example, I dropped my oldest off at her place (something I rarely do but had a dr's appmnt and had no other babysitter). Since she had me under her thumb, she decided to squash me. She once again brought up Eileen and her kids. Telling me the same story she had repeated over and over. I told her (as nicely as I could) to please talk about anyone or anything else. She attacked. With my daughter right there, told me that she would "hate it if I was her mother because she has to watch everything she says around me." Then she turned to my daughter and said "I would hate to have your mother for a mother". My daughter is six years old. Anyways, I had to leave or I'd be late for my appointment and it took me a full day to figure out what happened. This is what happens to me. I can't process it right away. I shut off or something and then I figure out that she was not being nice to me or my poor daughter. Then I spent the next couple of weeks struggling with anxiety over not standing up for myself in front of my daugher.
Do any of you face this type of thing? I have basically cut out my mother from my life but am not ready to cut her off cold turkey just yet. Am I being irresponsible? Thanks for letting me vent. I can relate so much to so many here, especially guest (cg) because your mother sounds a lot like mine in many ways. Especially the sadistic elements to her personality. -E
