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How to deal with my N mother?

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el123:
I have an enormous family and my mother has always treated us all very differently.  I have been the target of her attacks for most of my life.  She has constantly put me down.  She was verbally and physically abusive.  Especially when I was becoming a woman and started looking good (before this I went through a gawky period with long skinny legs, freckles, etc).  She literally attacked me when I got my period for the first time.  When my body was becoming more of a woman's she attacked me daily.  She was only satisfied when I was crying and a mess.  When I was feeling good, she'd shoot me down hard.  She used to pretend that she was me on the phone (she sounds like me enough to do this!) and tell my friends things that would make them angry.  She would tell me that I'm evil and God didn't like/love me or was punishing me.  She has always been ultra "religious".  Anyways, my older sister told me that she thought that mom was/is jealous of me because I looked better than her, etc.  Strange and twisted but I felt when she said it that there was truth in it.  She has always pit the others in the family against me.  She would isolate me from the others, wouldn't let me watch tv while everyone else was, would tell them not to talk/ hang out with me because I was "bad".  I still have no idea what was "bad" about me.  I never got bad grades, never got into trouble, never even dated in high school.  But she still had/has this destruction campaign waged against me.  

Anyways, my sister Eileen is a "good" kid and she has two children.  Her campaign of destruction against me has taken a twist since I have become a mother.  My mother favors Eileen's children over mine (I have 3).  She believes Eileen's kids are hers (no exaggeration here.  She truly believes that these are HER children, not her grandchildren and Eileen lets her do this).  And now she compares "her" children to my children.  It's so aggravating.  I have six other sisters and two brothers yet my mother usually only discusses Eileen and her kids to me every time we talk.  I have told her repeatedly I don't want to talk about them, have hung up on her when she does, etc. when she brings them up but she won't let up unless I cut her off for a while and then she'll behave until she reels me back in and then "whammo" back to how Eileen and her family compare to mine.  Just to give you an example of how she turns every conversation around to Eileen:  mom:  "Is it raining there?  me: "yes"  mom:  "Oh, it's raining at Eileen's house to (we live in the SAME town).  Oh, and by the way, Eileen... blah blah blah.  

I feel almost like an outcast even on this board because both my mother and my MIL and also my BIL are all N's!!!  Full blown cookie cutter N's.  My H had not spoken to his mother or brother in over a month (yay H!!).  And I have limited contact to almost nothing with my mother.  It just really hurts to not have any mother in my life.  Even my own sisters don't get it as my mother attacks me in private (on the phone, when noone else is there, etc.) And my mother gives them a different story.  "Oh, E is so hard to talk to," etc.  And so my siblings tell me stuff like "You two jsut have different personalities".  It's so invalidating for noone to see it/ get it.  My mother is a master of manipulating people and they literally don't see/ hear what she does to me and then gets on the phone and twists the story to make me look bad and her innocent.  Typical N, I know.  

She always seems to hone in on my weak spots and attacks.  For example, I dropped my oldest off at her place (something I rarely do but had a dr's appmnt and had no other babysitter).  Since she had me under her thumb, she decided to squash me.  She once again brought up Eileen and her kids.  Telling me the same story she had repeated over and over.  I told her (as nicely as I could) to please talk about anyone or anything else.  She attacked.  With my daughter right there, told me that she would "hate it if I was her mother because she has to watch everything she says around me."  Then she turned to my daughter and said "I would hate to have your mother for a mother".  My daughter is six years old.  Anyways, I had to leave or I'd be late for my appointment and it took me a full day to figure out what happened.  This is what happens to me.  I can't process it right away.  I shut off or something and then I figure out that she was not being nice to me or my poor daughter.  Then I spent the next couple of weeks struggling with anxiety over not standing up for myself in front of my daugher.

Do any of you face this type of thing?  I have basically cut out my mother from my life but am not ready to cut her off cold turkey just yet.  Am I being irresponsible?  Thanks for letting me vent.  I can relate so much to so many here, especially guest (cg) because your mother sounds a lot like mine in many ways.  Especially the sadistic elements to her personality.   -E

Wildflower:
Hi el,

Just want to start by saying you're certainly not an outcast here - though I can understand you feeling isolated in your family.  I remember when you first posted about your MIL, and I gather it must be painful to be seeing your mother this way now.  Feel kinda stuck in a crazy world?  I think I know how that feels (NFather, NGrandmother, and though I hate to admit it NMother...maybe...yuck).  This stuff is hard.

But here are my impressions from what you said.  Your mom definitely sounds jealous of you.  I'm still plodding through When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends and I just finished a section about how some mothers can be jealous of their daughters because they're competing for attention from their husbands.  What you say about your mother's attack on your becoming a woman makes me think she was either jealous or threatened by her own femininity - or both.  I hear that your other siblings didn't quite get this treatment.  That must be disorienting.

Congrats to your H!!!  That's fantastic.  Wishing both of you strength to continue down that path.


--- Quote ---it took me a full day to figure out what happened. This is what happens to me. I can't process it right away. I shut off or something
--- End quote ---


I really recommend reading more books on N behavior because yes, it's baffling because it just doesn't seem real when it's happening.  I'm the same way about taking forever to process stuff (still working on stuff from decades ago :wink: ), but if you can use the N literature to brace yourself before being with your mom, maybe that'll help protect you in future encounters.

Regarding not respecting your wishes, I've found that most healthy people will respect your requests to avoid topics and such.  Within reason, of course.  Can't ask a person to change, but I'm remembering several incidents right now where I explicitly asked my dad to stop doing x, y, or z and he went into a rage going from blaming me for being inadequate or stifling to declaring that it was his right to do as he pleased.  So I can understand how maddening it must be to hear your mother say those things to you - especially in front of your daughter.

Take care and stay strong,
Wildflower

Anonymous:
Your mother is very, very sick. Unfortunately she is extremely destructive and she has picked you as a target. My feedback is to have as little contact with her as possible. She has decided that *you* will be the container for all of her rage and hatred. This won't help you at all. Are you in therapy? It could really help you with support. Your siblings are probably just praying that they won't be next. They're in the tragic position of keeping you as the scapegoat. This puts them in major denial.

And you aren't an outcast here. My MIL was the biggest N I've ever seen. I have a BIL who's a sociopath.

bunny

el123:
I know logically that I'm not an outcast here, that others are going through what I do.  This "outcast" feeling is one I struggle with everywhere, though.  It's very hard for me to feel like I fit in anywhere.  I have been going to my church now for over a year but haven't become a member, feel "different" or freakish from other people.  Does anyone else get this?  I also have major trust issues.  I don't trust the people that I should trust (doctors, my H, even my friends to some degree) and I trust people I shouldn't (I seem to be a target for crazies, I get told this a lot).  

Wildflower, I think you are right that my mother is threatened by feminity.  I never thought of that before and will give me lots to think about.  I've got to get that book you are reading.  I've read a couple of books on N since my last post : The Wizard of Oz and other N's and Why is it Always About You.  I usually do brace myself before every call or encounter but she is a master at it.  An evil genius, I swear  :twisted: She doesn't do it every time and the second my guard is down, she strikes.  Sometimes she "gets" me and other times I become a Zen master and don't let her in.  I know what you mean about your dad going into a rage when you ask him not to do stuff.  It's aggravating, huh?  It' so great to have this board to know that others go through stuff like this as well.

Bunny, yes, I am in therapy.  Been in and out of therapy for over a decade.  I started going because I was dealing with major anxiety over my own mothering.  I was determined to break the cycle which I have  :D but have dealt with panic attacks, severe anxiety whenever I felt I was doing a bad job.  Then I realized that a lot of these attacks seemed to coincide with being around my mother or after having talked to her.  So it didn't take long to put two and two together.

-E

Wildflower:
Hi el,


--- Quote ---I know logically that I'm not an outcast here, that others are going through what I do. This "outcast" feeling is one I struggle with everywhere, though. It's very hard for me to feel like I fit in anywhere. I have been going to my church now for over a year but haven't become a member, feel "different" or freakish from other people. Does anyone else get this? I also have major trust issues. I don't trust the people that I should trust (doctors, my H, even my friends to some degree) and I trust people I shouldn't (I seem to be a target for crazies, I get told this a lot).
--- End quote ---


This was a big problem for me for a long time.  I could barely go outside without feeling like everyone could ‘see’ what a freak I was.  It took a long time and a lot of practice and a lot of interacting with healthy people to stop feeling this way.  And more recently, it took getting to the bottom of WHAT made me think I was such an outcast (in my case “monster”).  But no, you’re not alone in this.  I think it’s part of growing up in a household where you’re constantly rejected.


--- Quote ---I usually do brace myself before every call or encounter but she is a master at it. An evil genius, I swear  She doesn't do it every time and the second my guard is down, she strikes. Sometimes she "gets" me and other times I become a Zen master and don't let her in.
--- End quote ---


In that case, I’d really recommend the Children of the Self Absorbed book if you don't already have it because it has exercises in it designed to help you understand how they gain control – and how to keep them from doing it.  I haven't read the whole book, but even the little I have read has been tremendously helpful to me.

Wildflower

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