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How to deal with my N mother?

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el123:
Hi Wildflower,


--- Quote ---And more recently, it took getting to the bottom of WHAT made me think I was such an outcast (in my case “monster”).
--- End quote ---


Wow, Wildflower, I have that same 'monster' fear as well!  I've been trying to get to the bottom of it as well.  

Thanks for the book suggestion.  I'll put that on my reading list! -E.

mcg31360:
Hi El:

It takes a great deal of energy to deal with Ns.  I come from a long line of them.  I've been beat up  quite a lot over the years and finally decided it was in my best interest to cut them out of my life.  I can relate to most of what your talking about.  Read everything you can about Ns.  It will make you feel better about yourself.  The less contact your daughter has with them, the better.

seeker:
Hello el,

I've been away from the board a bit and haven't read everything (too much to catch up on).  But I'm really glad I read your post!  Everything you've said, I have felt too.  When I read about your mom's jealousy, I immediately thought of Cinderella!  Somehow your mom knew that your beauty had power, so into the cellar you go!  **

I am also a veteran outcast.  I wasn't allowed to have friends over.  My parents didn't tell me this of course.  But my mom would criticize their behavior or my dad would give me a sour look that told me this was a major inconvenience for him.  It was THEIR house not our house.  My mom had me wear clothes that were out of fashion or didn't fit.  When I innocently pointed out the problem, she would just dismiss my comments.  She truly didn't care to help me socially.

We also moved a lot and have lived in different "economic" neighborhoods due to my dad's rise in the workforce.  This is really disorienting.  I do know that I truly identify with the underdog, not the winner.  People who have grown up with money know the ones who haven't and don't want to get contaminated else they fall from their status level.  People with less money can think people with more money are condescending snobs.  I know in my head that part of this is "their stuff" but I also know I am the catalyst for their reactions sometimes and there is distance.  But where do I fit in?  People always have less or more...

Anyway, I usually relate to phrases like
"I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member" Woody Allen or Groucho Marx said this.  
"I have formed the 'Modesty Club'.  Membership of one." Mark Twain.  
But the thoughts that have really helped me (I'm still working on all this) are
"Accept your acceptance."  
"I belong here."  
"Bloom where you are planted" Einstein.  
Just by being here, you belong and are part of the natural order of things.  

As far as your mother's comments about your sister, don't put bullets in her gun.  If you tell her what bothers you, you now know that she will use it expressly to bother you.  This is her goal, so don't help her.  I know this sounds backward but that's life in the N Hall of Mirrors.  

**Suggest you read the original version of Cinderella and perhaps a scholarly interpretation of it.  In the original, C is rescued by biding her time and claiming her power at the right moment.  It is C using her power and defeating her relatives that is her victory, not the prince "rescuing" or "choosing" her.  Your mother knows you have power.  It's time to start using it in an appropriate way.  Sort of a martial arts thing: truly powerful people don't show off or use their power all the time, only when they need to.  You must defeat or at least disarm your mother's power over your feelings. May the force be with you.  Seeker.

SY1T:
This certainly sounds like what I grew up with.  I also was kept from my friends or if they were allowed over my mom inserted herself into being their friends and circle around her.

In church my sister & I were considered normal and our family life was normal.  Yet in the car, on the way home, those people we saw or ran into were criticized.  Then living at the house, we were told, you live in our house, you live under our rules.  So we moved out as soon as possible.

I like that this board is called voicelessness.  In our house we could speak, but if we said something wrong we had the priviledge of being smacked across the face into being quiet.

The surprise came later on in life, when we had moved out and these different church people came up stating they were glad we had gotten out of the house.

So now most of the time I enjoy being away from the situation with friends I've met who are truly what I would call family.  It's just those nagging times when the summons comes to pay attention to mom and all her problems without any resolution.  It is hard though for people (except this board) to understand that there are mothers who are not very motherly.  I know in nature there are sometimes father's who eat their own children - but it also seems that mother's do the same thing (it's just not as acceptable to talk about it.

el123:
seeker, the Cinderella image is one I've thought of many times as well.  My mother would treat my other siblings well (especially in front of me) as she was either punishing me or isolating me.  

All that moving must have been really hard.  I know what you meant about identifying with the underdog.  


--- Quote ---As far as your mother's comments about your sister, don't put bullets in her gun. If you tell her what bothers you, you now know that she will use it expressly to bother you. This is her goal, so don't help her. I know this sounds backward but that's life in the N Hall of Mirrors.
--- End quote ---


wow, you hit this right on.  That's exactly what she does.

mcg31360,

I may have to eventually cut my N mother out of the picture.  I'm open to that possibility.  We've already done it to both our MIL and BIL.  Thanks for your input.

SYIT,

sounds like we went through similar things.

--- Quote ---I like that this board is called voicelessness. In our house we could speak, but if we said something wrong we had the priviledge of being smacked across the face into being quiet.
--- End quote ---


Ha haha, I know what you mean!
 
--- Quote ---know in nature there are sometimes father's who eat their own children - but it also seems that mother's do the same thing (it's just not as acceptable to talk about it.
--- End quote ---


This is something that I've been thinking about lately.  The almost saint like quality that mothers have in people's minds.  I think that for the most part it is true.  Mothers are extremely loving towards their children.  It does seem to be true that there's a hesitancy to break that mother image.  Most people seem reluctant to go there.  
-E

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