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How to deal with my N mother?

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Portia:
Hiya El, I put it down to the male-dominated Christian religions where the Virgin Mary plays a big part – it’s such an immediate put-down to all women: if you can’t have a baby without sh*gging, you’re less than perfect.

But it does put the position of motherhood as the ultimate aim and the second-to-top sacrifice. And of course (faithful, monogamous) mothers are necessarily saintly in Mary’s image. (And women who aren’t are the lowest of the low, which I guess is why women feel bad about divorce? Don’t!)

It’s the Bad Mommy taboo in society. And I reckon to an extent it allowed men, through religion, to have a handle on pregnancy and childbirth. If women are allowed to keep these mysterious processes to themselves and build their own religions around them, they become too powerful, if there is any power struggle afoot.

Don’t get me wrong I love people, men and women, it’s the current day legacy of religion that gets me going – like the taboo against saying my mother is less than perfect! Phew, sorry, soapbox issue there. P

JustKathy:
El:

I too am the target of my mother's attacks. Like you, it started in my teens . . . when I got my period, breasts, everything that made me look like I was growing up. She became outraged when boys started noticing me, and began sabotaging my dates. She would give me the green light to go out, then when the boy arrived to pick me up she would claim that she had NOT given me permission, would make a scene and humiliate me in front of the guy. I also started to think that she was jealous of me for being prettier or more popular than she was at my age. (One of my aunts had told me that M was a "problem child" in school). Years later my therapist came to the same conclusion. M would not allow me to have anything that she herself did not have at that age.

I have never had children myself. I guess I was afraid of being like my M, even though that probably wouldn't happen. There was just something inside me that screamed "break the cycle." Oddly enough, both my sister and brother who were NOT victimized by M have also opted to remain childless. Even though they act oblivious to my plight, perhaps they saw a little something that sent up a red flag? I don't know. I've never talked to them about it.

My mother is also incredible convincing, but my therapist tells me that most N's are. For years no one believed me. In fact, I was 40 before I found a therapist who believed everything I said.

I have distanced myself from my mother over the years but made the decision to cut her off cold turkey last Christmas. It has not been easy. It DOES hurt, even though she is a wicked witch who has left me with deep emotional scars. And believe me, it took a LOT of therapy to make me see that I was doing what was best for my own physical and mental health.

I really can't offer any advice where your children are concerned, not being a parent myself, but I can tell you that you are not alone . . . NOT an outcast on this board. I found this board just recently, and haven't posted a whole lot due to my busy schedule, but when I have come here I can tell you it has been a very healing experience. To talk to people in similar situations has done wonders for me after so many years of people looking at me with total disbelief.

I'll stop rambling now, but I wanted you to know that I related very much to your post and understand much of what you have experience. Know that you are NOT alone and that ther are people out there who DO believe you.

Kathy

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