Dating

[Lupita]

Ami, you are right, I just said it in the post before yours. He is exactly like my husband. Just like that. Soooooooooooo charming. Sooooooooooooo attractive!!! Soooooooooo sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
I am trapped.

[Lupita]

I stayed away from men for 17 years. I start again, falling in the same f*****ing trap. Same kind of guy. Those are the only ons that I feel attracted to. I do not feel anything with any other kind of guys.

[Lupita]

I want a hard catch because I think I believe I am trying to over come the sensation of failure of never getting my mother and my father to love me. Both of them abused me. So I guess I feel attracted to being rejected to see I can conquer it. I did with my husband. He finally married me, and we stayed married for 15 years although eight years together and separated the other seven. But he married me, so I conquered him. But once married, it was a nightmare.
I do not want to marry this guy. Not at all. Just to have fun with him, but with out suffering. Can I do that? am I capable to detach? To not expect anything? To enjoy the moment with out expectations?
Maybe, it is not the conquering thing, just the imago, the my father similarity, the my mother rejection, the I do not know what, but these are the guys that make me salivate, go crazy.

[Ami]

Besee,
  What attracts me to Tony is that he has the whole range of emotions. You can see all the struggles of being human on his face. Also, he has the quality that woman love--- tough--- but childlike and gentle---
I am GLAD that I am not looking for a guy.(lol)
   Lupita-- to answer your question that you have asked a few times in your posts-- Can you play with fire and NOT GET BURNED-------NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO                      Love    Ami

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((Lupita))))))))) Just wanted to wish you well in arranging your priorities.  As long as you know that the choice is yours, every step of the way, you will be well prepared.

I do wonder about some of the things that Besee asked. I mean, a man can be charming and sweet, and even a flirt, and not necessarily be a philandering cheat, so it's good to consider the facts and not so much imagination.

And Lupita... I hope that you'll consider well with any relationship, how your own feelings develop along with increased intimacy... both emotional and physical. If you try to play at the edges of these flames and just have fun, what parts of yourself will you have to deny? Is it worth it?

Love,
Hope

[lighter]

Lupita....

You CAN have fun with him.  You can go out and do ANYTHING you want without feeling badly about it.  Iif you want to sleep with him, just know he's not asking for marriage, at least not any time soon and that it's just fun for now.

Also remember, making out like teenagers is about more fun than anything else so make it last if you want to go there.

If I were in your shoes, I'd date some men that weren't so intricately involved in the fabric of my life.  If this thing were to go South, and I'm not saying it will, I'm just sayin..... IF it doesn't go well, and more importantly..... IF it goes badly..... you don't want your entire social life in dance class to be messed up.

I'd continue to see this man.

I'd also go out and find other men that weren't so wrapped up in my personal life that things could get screwed up.

Who knows...... when it rains it pours.  You might find yourself with 2 or 3 more people asking for your Saturday night out dancing. 

That's a very good thing; ) 

Enjoy.  Have fun by all means.  You can have fun and not get seriouse just as easily as a man.  People don't like to see women that way but..... it's the truth. 

You're an adult and you certainly can have the right to make choices, whatever they are, and enjoy your life. 

[Lupita]

All the boyfriends that I had in my life were exactly the same kind. Same personality, same everything. Including my husband, 17 years of nothing and now I had several men flirting with me in dance class, and I get exited with the only one that is that particular style.
I have read all your posts, every single one. All of you are right. If you play with fire, yes, you get burned. Why not to take a different street. have fun and be an adult, knowing that I cannot expect anything. Find out if he is a good person other than a womanizer. Have fun as an adult that I am. That intimacy increases emotional expectations, no matter what.
I still do not know what to do. Dating, dating. Please, dear friends, tell me about your dating experiences. Also, I will keep meditating and reading every single thing you write in this matter.
And, yes, he is very nice with me. Sweet as it could be. I melt. I am in danger to have a horrible hang over, over this guy, whenever he decides to run away. If he feels trapped, he will run away. I think that is his coping mechanism. He must feel safe that way. Probably he projects his mother into any woman and tries to keep her distant.............wow.............CB had that problem with her husband. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CB where are you? Can you remember posting about your husband making provoking you so you become like his mother? But you always had a good time with him, do you rememebr?

[Hopalong]

Lupita, hon,
Forgive me for wanting to be a complete wet blanket.

I think the answer to your short-term question is NO, you can't, not with him.
I think the answer to the long-term life question is, Can I have serenity first, and then fun?

I think until you achieve peace inside, and a sense of stability (when you're no longer anguished, saying What is wrong with me?)...then you can have fun with less danger.

Right now, this man who reminds you so much of all the bad choices before...is a danger sign, imo. He does sound like a poster-boy for an ambivalent uncommitted man who is enjoying your beauty and company and will NOT change. He may be perfectly nice, but he is perfectly uninterested in a serious relationship. He has told you. I know one of the biggest revelations in my life was that it would be a mark of sanity for me to listen to what people (especially men) say to me about themselves, and believe them.

Imagine not just how it would feel to become fused and obsessed and ready at every moment for heartbreak (you have already begun to obsess on why he does what he does, how he may be thinking, etc.)...notice this! (Notice your own signals! Respect them!) and...instead:

imagine how it would feel to look at this flirtation and the how many toxic feelings it's sparking and say to yourself:
my serenity and hope are too important to me to throw at the heels of a man who does not want a true relationship.
Period.

I think you are not able to have meaningless fun. You are still in danger of confusing adrenalin and sex with love. I think you know you will risk all your happiness on someone else's reaction to you. I do NOT think you are going to be this way permanently, Lupita! But as you continue to dig in and do such important work on your sense of self...you can still take joy in life. You can still dance up a storm!

But a gorgeous commitmentphobe? Have mercy on yourself, Lupita.
Please wait until you are ready, and wait for someone who wants to share his life...not just his body.

with love,
Hops

[Ami]

Hops
   You said that so well.What hit me was that a gorgeous guy is a great distraction from pain.When it goes sour, then you have your  ORIGINAL pain plus more.
   Hops, you are a good friend b/c it is a risk to be real .       Ami

[CB123]

How are you doing, Lupita?  You okay?

Love
CB

[lighter]

Lupita:  I wish I could bestow a potion on you where by you could enjoy the bad boys without becoming attached to them. 

I wish I could show you how to enjoy those high high highs of fatal attraction then laugh about it as you turned away and felt no loss when it was over.

I can't. 

The best I can offer is to tell you that you pretty well guage how unhealthy a man is for you by the size of the grin he plasters on your face.  This has been MY personal experience in dating.  Take what you want and leave the rest. 

At some point....... you may feel strong enough to say.... 'OK, this is a bad boy and good for BOYTOY status, nothing more" then enjoy him till he's absolutely a pill because he wants all your attention and time and a full comittement, lol.  they're so predictable.  ::shaking head::  When women keep their distance and use them back the way they're used to using otherw people. 

If you say yes to spending time with nice men, it may be boring at first but.... you soon realize you got used to being treated well.  You miss it when it's gone.  Sure... the highs are so high but.... there's also no corresponding LOWS either!  WHOO HOO!

I personally don't have any problem with you bouncing dance boy around, for your own pleasure, just as he would enjoy his pleasures with you. 

But I'm afraid you'd take it personally and lose sight of the fact you entered this just for fun. 

Very hard to stay focused and I still have a problem with messing up your dance thing if it really affects your ability to continue enjoying it. 

Hope this makes sense.... .trying to post and catch up with just a little bit of time








 

First guy in many years, and it had to be an SOB!!!  Why?????? I guess I know!! Those are the ones that excite me. Imago. Life traps.

Why do I want to touch the fire if I know that I am going to be burned? Obsessed?

Can I call it obsession after 17 years? I guess like alcoholism, if you get in touch with alcohol you start drinking again.

Somebody help me here.

See? Bessee? I told you that your thread helped me. Now I know. But, I cant solve the problam. Still feel the same stupid desires. Despite to know the origin.

[Lupita]

Thank you so much so much for all your advises. You opinions are welcome and very much appreciated. Thank you again for you concerns. You made me feel nice, very nice, there are some people who care.

About dance bad boy, after reading all your posts, and trying to internalize it, I feel different this morning. I did not miss him. I saw him as so predictable, and so boring. After the dance and the sex, (if I decide to go there) there will be nothing. Nothing. He does not like classical music, he does not like the beach. He does not even know that I do not want commitments either. He takes me for grantes. He assumes that I am looking for somebody to take care of me. He deos not know that I am trying to learn to take care of my self and the last thing I want in this worls is somebody to take care of me.
I have more clubs than I can handle. I will find another date inthe blink of an eye. But he does not know that. He is too self centered to know that. It is going to be fun to teach him who I am. It is going to be fun to parade in front of him with different dance partners. And to show how much better thsn him I dance. He still thinks that he dances better than me and that he is teaching me. I do not want to show him how much better than him I dance, he might not take me out after that. But I have to teach him a lesson. Fortunately he is going on a trip for a week. So, I will go out with different people. I feel different when he comes back next week.
I am listening my CD of affirmations. That helps. I put a lot of make up, dress very nicely, and losing more weight. So, God will help me to handle him. I am going to tell him that he has to keep his mouth shut about us in dance class. That is going to be our basic agreement. If he brakes it, I will ignore him forever. He is not used to be ignored.
What do you think dear friends? Am I thinking clearly? Do I sound stronger? Please, keep writing to me. It is like having personal friends to talk to. It is wonderful to have you.
Thank you.

[CB123]

Lupita,

It sounds to me like you dont really like him very much after all.  It sounds like he is already pretty irritating!  So, don't worry about going out with him.  If you arent having fun, what's the point?  Life's too short to have a relationship with someone just to show them how stupid they are.

Just go back to dance class and have fun like you were before.  Just chalk this one up to experience.

Love
CB

[lighter]

::gulp::  If he even knoooooowwwwwsss any other guys in that dance class..... he's prolly gonna have to talk about going out with you, and some of what that entails.

If that bothers you, then you may want to skip doing more than dancing with him.

It really ticks me off that women are supposed to feel shame over sexual encounters and men get to feel like conquering cats that ate the canary

Not fair and I suppose I've spent a good deal of my life reversing this dynamic..... and all for what?

Lupita.... it's a moral imperative that you dance and make merry while you can.  I want you to do whatever you want to do..... without caring what this sick twisted society has to say about it.  DANCE!

Then, if you really don't care that it turns into something more serious.....

::whispering::  Tell that bad boy you really aren't interested in anything seriouse with him..... but you don't want him to get hurt, so you're telling him up front.

Heh..... then see what he does, lol. 

That's about how I ended up with BOTH my husbands

[Ami]

I wanted to say what Authentic said but I have had enough controversy for one day--lol.
  When I read your post,Lupita, what hit me was "What you sow ,you reap." You( or I) would not want to be reaping any of that.                                            Ami