Dating

[Lupita]

Need advice about dating. Not the superficial, we know no sex soon, do not speculate about he future, etc, but deeper. Digging deeper. Dating releases a lot of endorfines but also can put you down down to lower your self esteem very badly.
I do not know how to behave. Fortunately my friend likes to dance, but dancing is not enough. I hope I am not boring him.

So, that BS of be your self is that, BS. You cannot be your self on a date. That is very difficult. You are your self after time, not at the beginning. But how to survive that beginning. And if not surviving, how to keep your dignity and keep the person as a friend with out the ulgy feeling after dating failure.

How am I going to see my friend in dancing class after ..... you know what... if that happens. 

He mentions constantly that he does not know where he is going to be next year. I do not know either, but I do not tell him. I do not tell him that I do not know where I am going to be next year. Why is he telling me.

Please, please, talk about your dates, dear friends, tell me how to talk about interesting things. Tell me about your successes and falures.

My love to you.

Lpita

[lighter]

Lupita...


talk about what you're DOING in your life.

Men love to be near busy women, no matter what you're busy with.

If you seem very busy, then they assume, rightly so.... that they are competing for your time.

They love to WIN.

They love to HUNT.

IT's in their genetic makeup.

That said, you don't have to talk about anything in particular to BE YOU.

You can choose ahead of time what you are comfortable discussing, or not.

Make a list of do's and dont's so you aren't struggling or unsure during the date.

Be confident.

I assure you, you aren't boring and if he finds you that way..... then he probably has some awful Playboy air headed bunny version a woman should fit that you wouldn't find very interesting in him either.

Don't worry about his finding YOU boring.

Worry about whether you're enjoying time with him.

IS HE BORING or INTERESTING TO YOU?

You can't change who you are and if things start going well you don't want to have to ACT like someone you THINK he enjoys being with.

Just be you means..... you are authenticly you when you're with him.

It does not mean you tell him everything you're thinking or feeling all the time.

What you do choose to share, and you do choose that all the time for yourself... keep that in mind....

what you choose to share you make sure he understands. 

Choose your words carefully so he hears what you want him to hear.

Now.... what would your list look like if you were to choose things to discuss comfortably with him?

Your education?

Your love of dancing?

What movies you adore and why?

The beach and funny things you notice there?

The book club you plan to join or have found?

The books you enjoy?

You don't have to talk about how you might feel about him or relationships in the future, or now for that matter.

You're going out and enjoying food and dancing and company. 

That's all. 

You're busy with your life and job and outside interests.

You're not obligated to talk about, do, listen to anything that you don't want to.

Use humor and be confident my dear.

::whispering::

Men love busy confident women and it's good practice.

Once you're sure about what to talk about and what not to..... then you can relax and easily handle the conversation, keep it light and laugh more easily.  Relax.  You're a very special person and he's no more special than you, of that I'm sure.

Worry about whether you're entertained by him and see what happens?

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lupita,

From my brief experience in dating, men in their 50's seemed to be most concerned with ensuring that I would fit right into their already well established routines. I'd be most interested in finding out how flexible he is. If he's stuck in a rut, I don't want to join him there.

Personally, I wouldn't want to encourage someone to feel that he had to compete for my time and energies, because I'd be concerned what he'd think should be his "prize" if he "wins"... and vice versa. Competition is a risky business, in my opinion. The time and companionship you give to someone, even on a date, is your gift to him, as you share some of yourself to whatever degree you feel comfortable. Looking at it that way, as a gift, then you aren't anxious about what you get back... so if are blessed by your time together, then that is a gift to you, too.

Other than that, everything else Lighter said makes good sense to me

Love,
Hope

[Lupita]

So, why is he constantly saying that he does not know where will he be next year? I do not know either. But I o ot tell him. It sounds like he wants to red flag me. Or he only wants to feel free of any guilt. Who knows and I am going to stop thinking about it. I guess detachment is what I need.

[Certain Hope]

So, why is he constantly saying that he does not know where will he be next year? I do not know either. But I o ot tell him. It sounds like he wants to red flag me. Or he only wants to feel free of any guilt. Who knows and I am going to stop thinking about it. I guess detachment is what I need.

Lupita, I asked my husband what that means and he says that this man wants to make sure you know he's not interested in any kind of commitment with you.
And like you said, that way he's absolved of any guilt.

Love,
Hope

[mudpuppy]

You cannot be your self on a date.

 Please don't believe that. If you are with someone who is right for you then you can be yourself at all times. If you are with someone who isn't right for you then it doesn't matter who you act like, there will never be anything there.
 Real love and commitment fall into place naturally, they are never forced or fooled for very long.
 

mud

[Lupita]

Here I go with my stupid question. I think I know the answer. But, anyway, I want to hear it from you. Do you think that a person who does not want any commitment initially, could end up in love?
Of course, everything could happen. But, most likely, .......most likely......what happens?
If he already made up his mind about me, I should respect that and not try to change it, or stupidly try to expect a different outcome. Still, I want to hear it from you, CH, or anybody else who wants to help.

[Ami]

  There are certain unwritten rules in  dating( and in all relationships-- I guess).
  Men love the chase. The man wants to feel like he is getting something really special. You have to feel(or fake it) that you are very,very special.
   He is giving you read flags about not knowing what he will be doing next year(IMO). However, those 'flags" can be changed if he feels like you are "worth it" to him'.
  You have to be 'more" important to yourself THAN he is to you.Your  internal worth has to be shining out from you. Your love and value of yourself is your most attractive asset(IMO)                    Ami
 
   

[Certain Hope]

Here I go with my stupid question. I think I know the answer. But, anyway, I want to hear it from you. Do you think that a person who does not want any commitment initially, could end up in love?
Of course, everything could happen. But, most likely, .......most likely......what happens?
If he already made up his mind about me, I should respect that and not try to change it, or stupidly try to expect a different outcome. Still, I want to hear it from you, CH, or anybody else who wants to help.

Dear Lupita,

I think alot of things could happen, but there is a most likely scenario here. To me, the most likely scenario is that a man who makes such an announcement on the first date is letting you know that even if you engage in sexual intimacy with him, he won't feel any need to "be there" for you in future.

Whether or not you'd choose to take this guy on as a challenge, for instance, would be entirely up to you, but the question I'd ask myself is... why would I want to?

Lupita, it may not be that he's made up his mind about you. It may simply be that you (or any woman) will not be allowed to be a part of his own goal-setting, vision for the future.
To me, engaging with him and aiming for more intimacy would be like trying to mold him into my own image of who he should be... yuck.

I'd take it at face value, Lupita, and really consider... do you want to spend time with someone who has no defined goals for his own future?
Maybe better to look at this dating adventures as opportunities for you to better define your own goals, instead of putting so much focus on what's going on in the minds of your dating partners.

Love,
Hope

[Lupita]

I asked my son. He said he dates several girls. One of them, according to him, is a dumb a*s. He said he still dates her because she is gorgeous. Anotherone, he dates, he says, she is disoriented, but he still dates her because he has a lot of fun to be with. He also says, that he loves them in different ways and that he would help them if it was needed and he would never do anything to hurt them. He said, that two consenting adults can have fun. He said that I can have fun with this guy, this is the fifth date, including two months of dancing together and flirting in dance class. I am not trying to make excuses for my probably self damaging behavior, but, I want to know your opinion. It seems that I do not want to listen. I just wanted to check if my son is right, that I can have fun after so many years of depression and loneliness. I can have fun and no matter if he stays or he goes, taking in to account that I have to prevent my self from falling in love or have especttations or construct a fantasy, or believe something inexistent.
Can I have fun with detachmetn? Am I wasting my time? Should I instead use my energy to pursue other things? There are other guys in dance class who would be glad to go out with me. But I do not like them as much. I do not have to go out with guys. I can just go dancing with my classmates and have fun, but I am a human being.
Dont know what to do. As usual, do not know what to do. It has been my problem forever.

[Lupita]

Everybody made a good point. Every single post from one to 10 have a good point. It is just, my question. Can I have fun? I am not asking for permission. I am asking, am I capable to have fun with out being hurt?
You would say, if you do not want to be kicked you should not play succer. if you do not want to be pull down to the floor do not play american foot ball. Everything has its risks. Here, I know, CB has a great point. She knows and I know, no commitment. CB says she wants to have fun. Probably because she was married ofr many many many years. I have been alone for 17 yeasr already and was married for eight. So, I was thinking that it ouwld be OK to clean some spider webs. But, Can I? Am I prepared for the outcome? Should I get out of the game bc of fear to fall? Because I am sure that I am going to fall. I know he will leave. I know he does not want commitments. So, can I have fun? Can I detach enough to be able to see him with other ladies? Probably not. Still, can I have fun? Probably the the damage outcomes the benefits. The little fun is going to cause pain, unless I am strong anough to be dancing with other guys and laghing when he is dancing with other ladies.
But it is amazing to know that CB is in the same boat. I understand you CB, you suffered your husband for many years. I was allergic to men almost about two months ago in wich suddenly I started feeling like a high school kid again. What a wonderful sensation!!! Can I keep feeling it? Can I play please?

[Lupita]

He is going on a trip for one week, He said I would see him again in one or two weeks. That will give me some time to think. I will go out this Saturday, if possible, (God's will) and try ti visit more with my other classmates in the dance class.

But this guy makes me crazy. He has the eyes that I like, the height that I like, he speaks Spanish, he lived two years in a Latin country, so he knows Latin culture, he is very respectful, he has a college degree, he speaks very intelligently, he dances wonderfully. He is handsome and attractive. He is exactly like my husband was. Flirts all over the place. Charming.

I know that things with my husband went bad. Very bad. So, what am I thinking?

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He is my IMAGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LIFE TRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Alarm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Somebody help me.

I need to get him out of my mind. Why do I have to always be in trouble!!!!!  Why!!!!!!!!!

[Lupita]

But, I do not want to leave him, not yet. I want to have fun, I want to enjoy his company. Can I afford to pay the price to have fun. It is like going to Disney, I know I will anjoy it, but can I afford it? NO!!!  So I do not go. I would love to go to Tahiti. Burt, can I afford it? NO. So, I don't go.
Can I afford to have fun and enjoy this guy's temporary, that I know is temporary, company, that I so much enjoy and like?
What is wrong with me?

[Lupita]

First guy in many years, and it had to be an SOB!!!  Why?????? I guess I know!! Those are the ones that excite me. Imago. Life traps.

Why do I want to touch the fire if I know that I am going to be burned? Obsessed?

Can I call it obsession after 17 years? I guess like alcoholism, if you get in touch with alcohol you start drinking again.

Somebody help me here.

See? Bessee? I told you that your thread helped me. Now I know. But, I cant solve the problam. Still feel the same stupid desires. Despite to know the origin.

[Ami]

Your dilemma reminds  of an A.A. friend.He said,"How do you know if someone is "SICK'? The answer-- if you are attracted to them.
  I am GLAD that I am not dating. (- I think that Tony Soprano is  very attractive).
 I don't trust my "picker" and I am NOT much help.
  Seriously, my assessment IS that this guy is like your ex-husband.-- Just a gut feeling. I could be wrong.
                                                                                                   Ami