Tough Weekend

[Hopalong]

Hi all,
There's no drama but I'd like to just describe it...

I slept and lolled. Two days of it was good. By today it was clearly depression. Loneliness.
I thought it might be helpful to share some of the thought-streams I was having.

Many daydreams of a happy relationship or just a gathering of friends, where there is talk and laughter in "my" house.
Even more of having someone do domestic things with me. Someone to chat with while I go through simple domestic chores. The way sisters (I had no sisters) or close friends spend time in each other's spaces, relaxed, feeling at home, helping each other.

Reality: no exercise in many months, so not feeling well. Slipping up badly on self-care (food choices, etc.)

I know when I go back to work tomorrow the adrenalin will kick in and I'll perform like crazy and mostly enjoy it.

I feel I have no enthusiasm for my own life. Or too little motivation to grab onto dreams and move them forward.

I will dig out my SAD light and try again.
I dread the cold (yup, I start fearing it in August).

I am realizing that my closest friend is loyal but lacks emotional "getting it". She means well but her responses have no empathy, they're kind of automatic. (She's no N, it's her PTSD that causes this, I think.)

Other friends aren't as close as I would wish.

Eight years is a long time to have noone come over, except a handful of times. No potlucks, no game playing, no shared laughter.

Went to a women's Covenant Group last night that I was really looking forward to and though the sharing was deep and real and intense I felt drained and hopeless after.

I feel self-pity. UGHH.

I feel unpopular. (I know I am liked, and loved by a few...but I think I'm inconvenient to be friends with. My job and my mother-care greatly limit the times I can do things, and my back often means I don't feel up to outings. I am slipping too far into isolation, and it is worse in winter.)

I need a bit of a shakeup. Worst, and most, I feel I need company and companionship to take good care of myself. And that feels dependent so I am ashamed to ask for it.

When I wrote my sermon about loneliness two years ago I talked about how "needy" is such an epithet. Yet I am feeling lonely enough that I feel needy, and don't want to embarrass myself or ask for anything, and so I sit and wish someone would think of me. (In 3-D I mean...I feel greatly cared for here.)

Thanks for listening. I may not write much more for the next few days.

love
Hops

[changing]

My Dear Hoppy-

I have sensed a need to go out and have some fun in your posts, see friends, kick up your heels, maybe meet some cute and intriguing men...Do you think that you could go away for the weekend, and hire someone to care for your mom? Maybe take off to a friend's home in another city, or a place you love? In the meantime, you need to take care of yourself, as if you are going soon to a reunion, or a wedding- exercise, eat yummy foods that are good for you, take your vitamins, drink gallons of water, sleep 8 hours, get a darling new outfit, get highlights, get glammed up! Ease the wage-slave/caretaker emphasis , amp up the Hoppy emphasis! You might even meet a cute man as you jog...
You will not be shirking your duty by having a life, Dear. Anyone who truly cares for you wants you to be happy.

We love you so much, and we want you to enjoy life.

XXOOXX,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  This might be WAAY off base for you,but an insight that I had today might be relevant.
  I have been reading inner child books and trying to connect with my inner child( deep," pre verbal feelings-")
   Today as I was walking to the gym, a huge thought from my inner child hit me it was ,"Do not EVER compare me to anyone else.". My son and I had been discussing this ,yesterday. My son(younger) is doing  well in school. He is a respected member of the fraternity. They call him the "conscience of the fraternity".
   He came home this weekend . He was talking about "other people" who do things better than he does.
  This conversation was in the back of my mind. As I connect with my inner child, "she" tells me so many things that I am truly surprised about.( I have gotten so disconnected from myself ).
   Anyway, it hit me that so many pains" in life are simply "comparisons" I was thinking about Maria. Having a close friend is not the way that I "thought" or remembered that it would be when I was a kid. Nothing seems to reach the "shiny " levels of my expectations OR WHAT I THINK THAT OTHER PEOPLE are experiencing.
 . What I hear in your post are "mythical" hopes and dreams. I could be wrong .
  The picture that hit me was 'Beverly Hills 90210.They had a mythical closeness (IMO). We all wanted that ,I think. That is why the show was so popular.
. I can glow with God's love-hopefully. However, I think that everything else will fail me.
   If I am FAR away from your point--- just reject it.. Maybe,it is just where I am.
  I was looking at my relationship with Maria. She is a wonderful person ,but it does not feel as "great" as a best friend SHOULD feel. It feels like a let down. Maybe, I want a mythical best friend.
   I am seeing everything as a let down. I am wondering if this is not "just life". My grandmother used to love the "Peggy Lee song,"Is that All there is?." I hated that song. I thought that it was VERY creepy. However, maybe she knew what it meant.Maybe, I am knowing what it means, now.
   I don't know the answer. I am seeing that nothing is that "shiny" and exciting( except "sick" things like an addictive relationship).
   That might be why we "want" the "sick' things.
  Hops,this is where I am now. Maybe it is not helpful or relevant for you, but I thought that I would share it. I am sorry that you are hurting((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))              Love   Ami

[teartracks]

Dear Sweet Hops,

You are the champ of champs on so many levels, so strong and enduring.  But in the lonely times, the burnt out times, the left out times, the displaced times, somehow being strong doesn't bring  comfort.  It makes you feel like, When will I get a turn to relax and be indulged.  ((((((((Hops)))))))), I so know how you feel.

I remember one time when I was so burnt out, more than I even imagined.  There was a little Swedish Spa in the town where I was then.  I treated myself to a facial.  I went to sleep on the table, it was so relaxing.  Is there a place you can go where you can just let go like that?  Maybe get a full body massage by a massage therapist?   Oh man, that sounds good!  

Sending love,

tt

[changing]

Hoppy-

Teartracks is right on track(s)! We are societal animals, remember Darling? Almost everything we need for life is supplied, at least in part, by others. The only person I knew about who tried to live completely on his own was the Unabomber, and even he bought clothes, wood for a shack, paper, pens, etc. Go get pampered, get your back eased, get your nails done in your favorite color, get your hair done in a new way, take exercise classes at your gym, there are often fun friends to meet there- forget the rules of duty and self-denial. Your mom and your job will be just fine even if you have a good time and they are not the end-all and be-all of your existence! You might even be better company and a more effective worker! Get off the hamster wheel!!!
You are our Eagle Eye, and we want you to honor what you feel. Maybe make a yummy salad, cookies and lemonade and invite some pals over? Tell people what you want, and do what you can in that direction- that will get the energy moving, and then watch out!!! Then Hoppy will have such a busy social calendar, I will have to reread her old posts every night for guidance because she will only have time to post a recap of her activities once a week (but I will be so glad for my Hoppy).

Go Get Em,

Changing

P.S. By the way- people would love to have someone like you to spend time with, so get out there and ask!

C.

[Bella_French]

Dear Hops,
Hugs to you, I am sorry that you are feeling bit lonely right now. You have always lifted me up when I have been confused and down, and you have such a gift with nurturing and finding the right words. People like you are rare and special, and so so darn lovable.

I `get' that we should be able to stand alone and embrace aloneness, but its not a lot of fun, is it? I actually think it is far more natural and healthy to yearn for a mate and a companion that to yearn for solitude. I see your desires as not just normal, but also so achievable. 

What your post says to me, Hops, is that you know that you operate better with a companion, and you know that you are your best when you are loved and have someone to love. I think you have identified something you know you want (and I hope that you know you deserve).

The only question now, is what will you do to get what you want?

love to you

X bella

[Certain Hope]

Dear Hops,

The more I learn about shame, the more I see it in action... especially when it comes to thoughts that might seem to be self-pitying.
I'm feeling the lack, too... in the area of female friendship and companionship in the simple things.
You've been taking care of the mother in your house and I've been tending the one stuck in my head... or allowing her to tend to my life. That's more how it feels.

As you're sensing the approach of an old wintertime-pattern, I wonder whether you can't just give that pattern a good swift kick in the teeth.
Are there some expectations about having one or a few people over which could be put aside now?
Does your home have to be just-so before that can happen? It may not be your house, but it is your home, you know.
You can use it for joyful things and not just the challenges.
There's so much waiting on some day... and you need these things in the present.
How can you convince your heart that the place you live now is your home? What would change your perspective there, right now?
It really is all about perspective, right?

I'm sorry, Hops... no answers here, only questions. I'm bothered that you feel inconvenient. You're not, you know... you're just involved in so many inconvenient matters... and I can relate. My idea of getting away from it all is a meeting with a lawnmower, followed by a couple days of my back scolding me   Wanna come watch the grass grow?

I hope you won't be silent for long.

Much love to you from me,
Hope

[cats paw]

Hi Hopalong,

  Just wondering how things are with your mom ?  And your daughter ?

  Have you ever heard of  "If You Meet The Buddha On The Road, Kill Him !"   I read it years ago; have it on mothballs unless I lent it out, and I Googled it to see what related things came up.   Prior to that, I Googled "rumination depression".   It's funny how often teachers appear, (or re-appear ! ) for me.

   Just a couple of thoughts, when you come back and if you're interested.  I still haven't read Pema yet!

cats paw

[lighter]

Wow, ((Hops))

I identify with so much of your post. 

That means I have the same struggles and haven't figured out how to fix them yet, myuself. 

I always get something when I reach out into the world and ask for things.

Whether it's joining something or choosing to take a different route and enter an unfamiliar restaurant on my own...... when I really want new things to come into my life, I know I must reach out for it. 

It won't come knocking on my door and I always feel better getting dressed for an outing, dolling myself up JUST FOR ME and then seeing what there is to find that day.

I don't dread it like I used to and there's still uneasy patches and I worry about reaching out to people and how it might look. 

I don't want to be identified as needy either..... or hopeless or, God forbid, desperate. 

But it's not easy for me either. 

Your struggle is sooooo familiar. 

How do you find better things and invite them in without feeling odd about it or being unable to sustain it?

Most of my really active social network days were built around my BPD sister

She was the glue person.

What did she offer, that the rest of us needed?  Were drawn to?  She had lots of good friends.  I loved seeing them.  We got close but had trouble sustaining without her input. 

We'd whine the other one didn't call us enough, lol. 

She gave marching orders and felt entitled, lol. 

Maybe we need to start marshalling people around and feeling entitled?

We sure went for it, ourselves. 

It's hard to find people who have time to socialize where I am.  Everyone has kids or grandkids who need lots of attention.

Maybe if I start COMMANDING time and attention, people will show up with food and really great wine?

Not sure, but I'm sympathizing with you Hops and setting my sights on helping you have a cozy cold weather season sharing nummies with friends. 

If I was near you..... I'd be so happy to come and laugh with you in your house, Hops..... and you could come and laugh with me some in mine: )

I laugh with you here and you make me feel better and I love your sense of humor. 

I think life's harder on the introverted, that's for sure. 

I have a very good friend who's writing a book on Charm and how to be more charming and draw people to us.  I'm going to hit him up for advice about this again and resolve to join his group. 

We won't be so lonely this year Hops.  This is a great area to work on and I certainly intend to work on healthy eating and self care excercise too. 

Thanks for the nudge. 

It'll be OK.

[Poppyseed]

Hops,

Feel like I could have written your post myself.  Echos of seasons past and present in my life.  I will tell you this.  You are popular.  I am in your fan club!  You have so very much to give.  I am going to put my positive energy your way -- the filling of your house with laughter and friendships and connection!!  And that this aloneness you feel with lessen.  I hate those feelings of neediness too.  Hate that embarrassment of wanted to ask and not being able to.  Hugs and strength as you and I both push ourselves out the door and open our hearts to the possibilities.

Lighter,

I hate that it is so hard to ask for the world to love you...or participate with you.  I can't do it yet.  I take baby steps.  Like the soccer team I just joined.  It is easy.  Don't have to talk so much while everyone plays.  But it is a good group.  Really down to earth souls with no need to prove or overly compete.  My H and I just agreed to go on a short vacation with some new friends and their kids.  They actually seem to like spending time with us.  I am giving it my best shot.  Afraid of the rejection that seems to follow me wherever I go but I am trying to push myself out the door and into the land where people live.


Both of you, Hops and light, have encouraged me.  Hope I can send strength back to you!!

[axa]

Hops,

Sorry you are feeling so low.  I also understand the cycle you talk about.  I wrote before about the spoiling part of me, the part that eats crap, lies in front of the tv until I feel numb etc well something has shifted for me.  While in that place I tell myself this is what I am choosing for myself, it has nothing to do with anyone else. That non judgemental acknowledgement really helps me move from the lethargy and loneliness. 

I have discovered the river, going out kayaking has changed so much for me.  I am with people I would normally not spend time with, the conversations are always light and easy.........nothing intense or deep and meaningful and the lightness, exercise and being out there on the river or the ocean nurtures me in a way nothing before has.  I think choosing this activity has grown some part of me.  The victim does not exist once I get into that boat.  It is difficult not to be present to where I am when I am surrounded by such beauty and surrounded by the elements, even when it gets a bit scary.  This activity has grown my trust in myself also, not sure how but it has.  I have found a way to soothe myself, to challenge the helpless child in a nurturing way. 

Not sure if this helps but being physical has changed my perspective on life so much.  Last night the light as sundown was beyond belief, thought of all of my Voiceless friends out there and wished you could have shared it with me.

How about trying to meet the part of you that pulls you to this place?  What is her pay off?  What does she avoid by sabotage?  WHy does she want Hops to exist rather than live?

Hugs and love,

axa

[lighter]

AXA, it makes me so happy to picture you on the river: )

Poppy..... I want you to go on that trip and remember to observe those around you.  Observe yourself.

It would break my heart to picture your eyes skittering around the room, fearful that you aren't going to say the right htings or people won't like you or you'll blow it....

They WANT to like you, Poppy and they alreadt DO!

Relax and know you're going to be justs fine.  Deep breaths.... don't hold it in don't fear.

Laugh.  Be you and talk about what you think.

Of course, drinking 4 bottles of wine and talking about your husbands is bound to be trouble so..... keep it to children and interests and thoughts about your present moments.  I envy you the social engagement..... will there be cooking?  With other people?

Wow... .that really makes me happy for you. 

Pretend you're fine and worhty and wonderful company, if you have to.  At some point,  you'll believe it and see that it's true. 

[Hopalong]

Once AGAIN, you all have lifted me up from a place where I was feeling stuck.
Thank you so much. Sometimes I focus so much on writing or responding that I am turned outward...
and then I have my own low time, and I tell it here, and it's as if I have a room full of loving friends,
delighted to see my silly show and tell, happy to root through my closet and help me assemble
something new to wear, and here we are messing about with pedicures and did I mention
we are doing a double feature DVD marathon with sour cream and cheddar popcorn and
the windows are open to the last bugs' end of summer opera...and life is good again.

In the real world, I went to bed early. Ate healthfully all day, met a FRIEND after work
for a glass of wine, came home and yakked with my hairy four-legged girlfriend, and
went to sleep at a normal time. Woke up without the alarm clock and feel good and
have paid the bills due now.

Just laying it out there, all the truth of how I was feeling, and coming back to see this
thread full of love and caring and beagles and company--well, y'all. 

It's going to be an altogether different week. Thanks to this healing place and you
healing, generous-hearted people.

I need to thank you individually --and will--but part of my promise to self is not to be late in the
mornings any more. The whole day goes better when I decide to be on time.

Off for a short walk, see you tonight.

with love and enormous thanks,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

   Dear Hops,

Yay! I did my day yesterday as you described (minus the wine... lol) and am just smiling along with you now, still listening to the morning remains of that end-summer bug opera, blended with the cardinal peeps and hummer zzzzzooms... ahh, open windows are grand!

When you shared your low time here, I saw myself there with you... and just that willingness to be there, for the moment, seems to allow the upward floating motion to begin. The natural cycle of things will not be denied. I am so glad you shared and got so many lovely responses. To a better week!

Love,
Hope

[Iphi]

Awesome Hops!  I am so glad for you.  I was not able to respond before but I was thinking what lovely company you are and that how much I hope you let yourself go out and play and don't deprive the world of you.    Loved loved the beagles post too.