UPDATE on my situation: how can things go from so good to so sucky so fast...

[reallyME]

Hi all, it's me, Laura, with some real struggles today and lately.  Just needed somewhere to share I guess.  I wish someone would just reach out a hand and take mine and say "this is how we can FIX this and it's going to be perfectly legal, moral and Godly to do it this way."  I just don't have that certainty right now, so I feel somewhat stuck.

Well, first of all, N Daughter is still playing "house" with boyfriend.  In other words, she is 18, he is 16, baby is on the way, and neither of them are really taking it super seriously.  Their latest argument was over whether boyfriend was going to request a day off so he could take my daughter to the Homecoming Dance!


Next, my 13 year old is struggling with reading right now.  She is being homeschooled by my friend who does a really wonderful job of it.  My daughter, however, feels so unsure of herself and regularly expresses that she believes she is stupid.  I've been trying my best to stay close to her, encourage her, point out all the wonderful things about her and talents she has.  I've scheduled a counseling intake for her this week.  I feel she needs to be re-evaluated for ADD and maybe depression.

My youngest daughter, Amber, 8 years old, is going through another major issue right now.  Her dog bit my 13 yr old's friend.  This is the 2nd time the dog bit someone, and, Amber knows the dog is going to most likely be put to sleep.  Amber's reasoning of life, is that of a child younger than 8 yrs old, so how the he** do you work through such a horrid thing with a little precious girl who is so pained over it...especially when you, as an adult, are dying inside and want to do anything you can to get your dog back????!

My life went from sheer misery, of having to sell fast food at the food court of the mall, to selling flowering onions from a trailer (both of the profits from these endeavors were split 40 % for more supplies, then 50/50 between brother-in-law and then us)...to living with barely enough to eat, NH and me both starting new jobs,  having our water turned off for 7 days, coming close to losing our electric, pulling daughter from rotten public school, finding out 18 yr old is pregnant, being turned down for tooth extraction from 3rd dentist (after spending almost all my birthday money to even pay for the x-ray!), me starting second new job soon losing family dog because it bit daughter's best friend.....UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Right now, I am not sure WHAT I'm feeling.  NH shows nothing but accusations toward me about this and that, and then looks at me DUMBLY when I start screaming at him out of frustation of his daftness and callousness.  Yesterday, he said right in front of my daughter "well, they're gonna kill your dog for sure."  So, of course, my 8 yr old woke up crying in the middle of the night, and NH says "why does she wake up like that all the time lately"  I told him I was SICK OF HIM DISSOCIATING when I tried to tell him about things he needs to change.  His response was "I pull away from NEGATIVE people."  I told him "well you are just about going to pull away for the last time, because you have till January and then there won't be anyone to pull away FROM!"  (my biggest concern, of course, would be to be sure I get custody of the girls, and, well, Illinois is a very SCREWY state where that is concerned!)

I guess what I am feeling right now is a mixture of "broken" and "uncertain"  When my daughter asks me "mommy do you love daddy?"  I do not lie to her.  I tell her "no.  I can't love someone who lets you suffer like this and doesn't care.  Your father doesn't show us his love, so no, I do not love him and, if he doesn't get help, we will have to leave."  My mother used to lie to me and tell me she loved my step-father.  I can lie to my daughter about her dog, till she is old enough and settled enough to understand the reasoning behind euthanizing her pet,  yet I won't lie to her about something as serious as human emotions and relationships.  I'm not sure what I think of myself at the moment even.  I go from "am I a creep for lying about the dog?  to " should I lie and tell her I love NH?"  I'm not really confused, but I am heartbroken today.

I know this was a long post, so thanks if you even read it.  I don't know what I'm looking for anymore.  I'm trying to just take one day at a time, and find out what will happen come January (that will have been the 6 mos ultimatum, and enough time to find out my options and rights in the state I live in)...right now, I feel like I just want OUT WITH MY DAUGHTERS!)

~Laura

[reallyME]

I was also getting ready to prepare to do a home-group for my church as of last week, when everything seemed to be lookin up for me.

I had a lady I mentor, come visit me this weekend.  I went swimming in the camp pool where she was staying, then I slept in the tent with her so we could chat, etc...I ended up sick for the other 2 days of her visit, as well as, I'm still battling a sore throat now and have a dentist appt today.  Then, guess what time of the month hit me yesterday....UGH, it's like "is there ANYTHING ELSE I have to deal with and still keep my chin up???"  sigh

[changing]

reallyMe-

It seems like you have a huge load of responsibility that you feel that you are shouldering alone. No wonder you sometimes feel overwhelmed, uncertain, and stuck. So many challenges, and it seems like nowhere to hide or refrsh yourself...I hope your new job is enjoyable and gives you greater security - that might take some of the pressure off of some of the other issues going on. Some of the most nagging problems appear to be out of your hands, reallyMe- your eldest daughter is legally her own woman at 18, and there is most likely little that you can do to compel her to see things your way at this point. She will soon realize the gravity of her condition, and that her boyfriend is only a child himself, and she will be more amenable to the good , practical advice and experience that you can share.

Your middle daughter seems to need an extra bit of academic help- at that age many girls start lagging in school, they are going through so many changes, are more aware of issues at home and with their friends- are there any good reading programs in your area? Maybe a tutor to supplement the home schooling? Has she been tested for dyslexia, etc.? Oftentimes, universities have programs that offer community members, especially children, free assistance with academics, and preparation for college.

The fate of the doggie seems to be in other hands; it is very sad and scary. I am glad that you are there to help your little one through this time, whatever the outcome. It seems that you will continue to do all that you can for your pet, so whatever happens, you can be more at peace with it (although you may not like it) and your daughter will know that you love her and value her feelings, and did all that you could do. Perhaps she is feeling insecure. You are not necesarily being dishonest if you do not share all of the grownup emotions and conditions with her now-  if things change, she can be told in a loving way, on an honest,  need to know basis. When she questions you, ask her to express her emotions, and what has prompted her question. She may need reassurance. Let both daughters know that you love them and that everything is going to be all right, you will do your best to see to that.

Why were you turned down by the dentists? I hope that you  can find a way to get what you need. Is there a high-class school of dentistry in your area? Perhaps they would rise to the challenge. I am sorry that you invested your birthday money only to be disappointed again. Does your new job have a dental plan that will give you access to new dentists?

It can be a cruel struggle for the basics in life, especially when you have the responsibility of children. I will be praying for you, and  I hope that you have the peace , strength, and support you need to get through this hard time with a minimum of stress.  You are a great example for your children of a loving mother who shows love and grace, no matter what the circumstances are, and a real heroine. God Bless You.

Love and hugs,

Changing

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Laura)))))))))
 I can only take you by the hand and say, "Remember Who is your yoke-fellow."   
The other thing is... you're not locked into that 6-month timeframe.

Laura, have you considered taking your 8 and 13 year old daughters and going to a shelter until you can make other living arrangements?
Often there are funds available for temporary housing and lots of help in getting established in a safe, healthy environment.
With winter coming, I hate to think of you and your children in an environment where you may lose utilities and heat. Would you contact a women's crisis center and speak to the folks there about your situation?
I believe that what you have there is indeed a crisis and I'm concerned for you.

I'm not talking about divorce even, Laura... just getting yourself and your two minor children into a better physical environment. I think that sometimes the issue of divorce becomes the big bugga-boo, when really the circumstances warrant a different sort of action... like getting to a place where you're safe and clean and well fed... the stuff of basic human needs.
What do you think?

Love,
Hope

[reallyME]

Thanks for your advice.  I don't have time to update ya at this time...have dental appt

~Laura

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  I am so, so sorry that you are hurting. I am NOT condoning your H's behavior-- not at all. However, I am going to give you another 'take" from my new book,"Inner Bonding"by Margaret Paul.
   She was talking to couples with various problems. I could see how the outer problems were from a wounded inner child. I am sure that your H has a very, very wounded child ,as you do( and I do).
  The book helped me to not "personalize" other people's problems as much.
     I want to say , though, that you are dealing with so, so many pains and betrayals( H not taking care of you IS a betrayal)
  The dog is a huge issue. Your D is a huge issue. You have so, so many pains and heartaches.I wish that I could give you a big,big hug, Laura. I am so sorry.((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))                   Love  Ami
 

[Poppyseed]

Hello Laura,

I will start with a big hug for you.  HUG!  And tell you it will all be ok.  It will all work out for good.  Like with the dog.  Awful situation.  Your daughter may have to lose her dog.  Painful but valuable life lesson for her.  It is her next chance to learn about love and pain and loss.  The experience is a hard one but a valuable one.  She will know how to reach out to others somewhere in her future.  Learning empathy as this trial carves out that growth.  You can show her your understanding of life and death and loss and teach her how to deal with it with faith and leaning on each other and pray ( if you do that) and acceptance.  Maybe she could journal.  Maybe she could reach out to the person who was biten.  Maybe she needs your strength as she passes through the pain and then you will see her own strengths emerge.

Your older D. WOW.  What a struggle! You seem like perhaps you need an emotional distance from her -- detachment.  Of course you would never entirely distance yourself. But she seems to take a lot of your energy.  I think your heart needs some kind of buffer so her abusive statements can't penetrate.  Is that possible?  Seems to me you need a little time to recoup some of your strength and bandwidth to cope with the longterm nature of this struggle.  For me, this a God issue.  Maybe you could hand over her care to Him.  Pray that He will place her with people and situations that will lead her to what she needs for finding truth and growth.  He will send the angels.  I know it!!

Your relationship with your H is more complex.  This is really the big one. If you are anything like me, the hurt and confusion seem so overwhelming!  I guess I wonder what your heart/instincts say about what you should do.  Do you think a time apart could be beneficial?  So you both could breath and perhaps find appreciation for each other or added perspectives to help with problem solving?  I learned that my H wouldn't see anything until he realized he may accutally lose me.  It was his wake up call.  And more importantly, it was mine. 

Laura,  I don't know much but my heart is big.  Wishing the best for you.  Wishing wisdom and selfcare to find you. Praying God will show you where to step next.

--Poppy

[lighter]

All I can say is.....

the ups and downs.....

they come and they go.

I don't follow the basic principals I preach..... most of the time but.....

I know things will be better if I take care of myself, 

in mind,

body 

 and spirit

no matter what's going on in my life. 

I was just thinking about that today, in fact. 

Take care of yourself and know that you can't control your children or husband.

You can only model behaviors and strengths for them.

You're the adult..... try to show your 8yo how to handle problems by modeling adult behavior.  If you yell... fine.  But go back and apologize and explain how you can do better next time.  Teach her how to forgive herself and problem solve. 

When your 16 tells you her plans and refuses to listen to your good advice.... you can say.... "let me know how that works out for you" and withdrawl with love.

That's all you can do, right?  Bbe honest about what resources you'll be extending to her, or not.

I'd say right now is a good time for you to read the serenity prayer. 

I think I'll join you.

As for telling your 8yo daughter any truths about you and your husband..... make sure they're age appropriate truths.

Childrne don't need the details.

They only need to know that everything will be OK and that you have it under control.

When she asks you questions, it's perfectly acceptable to tell her that she's too young to understand now but someday she will.

When and if you leave your husband.... all your child needs to know is where she'll live and when she'll visit her father.... and where.  She needs to have her routine stay stable and she needs you to be calm steady mama..... not agry mama.  The courts don't want to see angry parents either. 

Are you documenting for future court hearings involving child custody and visitation?

She doesn't need to know everything.... just that you'll make it OK. 

((ReallyME))  So sorry you're having such a hard time here lately. 

[cats paw]

Hello Laura,

  It must be hard to be in survival mode all the time.  To even think about how to get off the merry-go-round must be scary.

cats paw

[reallyME]

WOW ARE YOU ALL SO AWESOME TO ME!  What a blessing to come home after having a tooth literally yanked out of my gums in pieces, while under only novacaine (OUCH), and read all your kind and supportive and even kick-in-the-keister words!  I just HAVE to respond as much as I can to each of you now!




.......That book sounds very sensitive to the issues of the inner child.  I know my husband deals with the inner child almost all the time.  He tries and tries to relive his young, "safe" years, where he could hide from responsibility and ignore the pain and fighting around him because his father was molesting his own daughters.  He wants to be able to TUNE ME OUT and pretend he's not hearing me...but when the bills go unpaid, the children are crying from hunger, I'm yelling in anger and fear that things will never change, Roland has learned that CHILDISH REACTIONS will not cut it anymore. 

I told him today that he either goes and gets a psych evaluation or I WILL BE LEAVING.  HE AGREED TO BE EVALUATED...that's one step forward!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poppy,


Yes, it's true that my girls are learning some painful lessons about grief, however, this should never have been allowed to get this far.  The original dog had puppies because my husband is a procrastinator and wouldn't get the dog spayed. We begged him to, but he said "oh she's not gonna get pregnant, don't worry."  Same way it worked for the 18 yr old daughter who is now pregnant with her 16 yr old boyfriend's child.


Yes I've detatched a lot from my daughter, but right now, when she comes to me with pregnancy questions, I feel I must be there for her.  The key I'm learning is, let her feel CAPABLE, like another Vboard member mentioned to me.  She wants to see that I trust her to make her own choices and care for herself.  She needs to individuate.

As far as the H.  I'm hurt, but not at all confused.  I know what I'm dealing with, but I want HIM to get LABELED so he will HEAR it from an expert.  If it doesn't cause him to change, I'll cross that bridge next.  For now, he is agreeing to sit with a therapist and hear the diagnosis


 
 

As far as time away being beneficial...I've done it before and I'll do it again if I feel it's needed.  Right now, I'm doing what I can to do my part with the financial end and get things back on track for my girls.  Taking one step at a time.


 GREAT advice about how to teach my children and and what to do if I leave the husband.  RIght now, I'm not at that point quite yet.  Tomorrow, we go to Medicaid to try and reestablish that and food stamps.  AFter we get Med coverage, Roland is going to be psychologically evaluated.

~Laura

[Poppyseed]

Lighter,

You always says things so very well!   Your above post was lovely.  Wish I had your simple eloquence!!  Thanks for letting me listen in and gleen.  You always make me think and at the same time help me to feel peace and perspective and wisdom. Thanks for being here.  You stand so tall to me.

Poppy


Laura,  My thoughts are with you today.  You sound like you know what you are doing and the direction you are headed.  That must be a good feeling.  Glad your H has agreed to some kind of therapy.  Maybe he will be able to see some things. Maybe his own pain. Wishing the best things. You have so much love and patience for him.  That is hard to do in your circumstance.  Yet, there you are giving it.   Your girls are in good hands.  I was just thinking how fun it would be to have 3 girls.  I have one sister but we are 12 years apart and not very close.  Always wished for an older sister -- suppose I still do at times.

Things are going so much better for my H and I.  He is so much different that even a month ago.  Each time we talk, I feel like I am talking to a real, whole, loving person.  Not someone fettered by N tendancies and addiction.  It is scary to trust I must say.  I still don't believe.  Waiting for the mirage to all go away.  And yet grateful that he was willing to face the darkness and fight his denial.

Guess we all just keep going, eh?  One foot in front of the other.  One day at a time.  Self care all the way and faith to cover all the rest!

Love, Pops

[lighter]

Thanks Poppy.... that was so kind of you to say.

ReallyME... try to stay on top of that mouth pain, if you can.  I'm hoping the doctor gave you something for it?

Don't get behind.... esp when you start feeling better.  You'll just end up in bad pain, trying to beat it back again. 

Be proactive and remember to take care of yourself. 

[reallyME]

lighter,

Yes, now that I am working, I plan to really learn to budget my money, pay what I can of my bills, and take care of myself and my girls.

As far as whomever said I have so much love for my husband...actually I don't feel any love toward him anymore I don't think.  I just don't know what I feel sometimes.  Betrayed, neglected, abandoned...and then I flip back to seeing him as a victim of a vicious monster of a so-called "father" and I start thinking IF ONLY HE COULD SEE...so, NOW is the time when I find out CAN HE SEE?  WILL HE EVER?  CAN I LIVE WITH IT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE THE ABILITY TO SEE?

Just not sure.

Don't think so.

~Laura

[lighter]

It would be one thing if he had something positive to offer your you and your children.... besides pain and trauma.

I guess you can make a list...... mark pros and cons down side by side......

but you probably don't really need to do that, do you?

Drawing your line in the sand doesn't have to be the end. 

It could be a new beginning.

If he chooses to make an effort.... a real effort.... things could change for all of you.  Him included.  For the better.

And if he doesn't..... what changes?  What do you gain?  What do you lose?

All I know is.... you're the only one who can decide what's best for you and your children.

You're allowed to ask to have your needs met..... to have help instead of sabotage and dysfunction heaped on you.

You're allowed to strive for more and receive it too. 

[teartracks]

Dear RM,

I'm simply speechless.  You have so much on your plate.  Any one of the issues you're dealing with would be more than a plenty for a soul, let alone all of the others you've mentioned.  I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering.  I think Hope's advice very prudent.  The two main things, one, at least check out the women's shelter so that you know exactly what to do if and when you must.  Two, remember your yokefellow.  I can't add much to that.   Oh yes, about the little one and her dog, I agree with lighter, don't give answers to any questions she isn't yet able to understand.  Simple and thoughtful, that's what she needs.

Sincerely,

tt