i need help!

[tempesta]

You know Jilly.....my husband's family made me feel the same way. Actually I got into with a sil that I work with.  I work with 3 out of 5 sils, plus my husband.  They use to step on me a lot, but in the last few years it has gotten better.  More of a control issue, especially with the oldest one.  She causes 95% of the problems in the family business, but of course she doesn't see it.  Anyways, when my sil got into with me she said my husband was always getting pulled in the middle.  Jilly, I swear.....I have never, ever made my husband feel he had to choose.  But I am his wife too, on the other hand....ya know what I am saying here?  It nearly broke up our marriage a few times.  This is why I think that for the most part, family should not live in the same town. 
Things are better cause my husband did start to see things, her nearly lost me.  After 20 some years, I was tired of his family controlling me.  I hope your husband can see things for what they are too.  Like I said, it has gotten better, but not completely, but not as bad as it was.  Take care, I hope things get better for you soon.  I totally understand.

[jillebean]

thank you everyone so very much for all of your understanding!  my husband has even lied right to my face re: his mom.  i just recently got strong enough to say "cut the poo".

 out of curiosity, what happened that your husband began to make changes, Tempesta? mine talks a good game, but his actions continue to belie his words.  his mom told him 2 days ago that if he left her house with me that she'd give him 6 months to get the kids back to seeing her on a "normal" schedule or she'd contact a lawyer to sue for grandparents' rights.  and he still feels stuck on what to do because he doesn't want to be viewed as a "bad son"!!!

 it''s soooo hard to watch him suffer, and because i do love him for so many readons I have a really  hard time watching him stay stuck.  On the other hand, i get really scared that he won't be able to work through this which would mean the demise of our marriage.  Good time to let it go, as my late aunt linda used to say...  actually, she'd probably say "What the hec is wrong with him?????" 

[Hopalong]

Hi Jilly,
I think he needs to be a good husband and father. Right now, it's more important that he be a good husband and father than an obedient son. Particularly because his mother is sowing dissension and stress in his marriage, which also hurts the children. They can't have his calm fatherly attention when he's feeling like a rubber band between you and her. He needs to let go of her end.

He has to make YOU his primary loyalty and his CHILDREN his primary concern.

He needs to decide whether he wants to teach his children that his mother can dominate his NEW primary family.

That said, I don't feel I really know the full background between you and your MIL...but from what you've said so far, I believe she must be put in her place and now and soon. Otherwise, this kind of battle and seesaw can go on for the rest of your children's lives (when they should be having a peaceful childhood with involved and happy parents).

He doesn't have to stab his mother. But he should stand up TO his mother in defense of his wife, imo...

Hopalong

[teartracks]

Hi Jilliebean,

Is the answer to your dilemna hidden here somewhere?

tt

  here are a few suggestions (it's never a one size fits all)
1. regard the N as a young child trying desperately to get there needs met without understanding what those needs are, let alone how to express them in a healthy manner

2. work on your boundaries to identify where there are "holes".  i found a DVD seminar called "Deep Inner Game" by Dr. Paul yo be really helpful in understanding boundaries and my personal boundary holes.  It's actually a dating seminar for men, but it's applicable to men & women at any stage of relationship or non-relationship because the teachings are about identifying ways to make changes and intentional choices in your own life rather than trying to change someone else. http://www.drpaul.net.

3. The Buddhist philosophies cover A LOT about learning how to let go of your fears, judgements and suffering.  Zencast.org has free podcasts and Gil Fronsdal is my favorite speaker so far.  also, Pema Chodron has a great way of addressing Narcissistic family members/friends

4. when an N is trying to hook you (assume it's always this way) you can respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way." Try it.  the results can be quite amusing!!!!!

5. Remember that your feelings are real and anyone who tries to get you to justify them is playing the Win/Lose game.  No one wins and you can get really hurt.

6. If you're in a playful mood and feel safe enough (physically and emotionally) say, "Hey! Don't hassle the hoff!!!" 

7. Watch the movie "A Beautiful Mind" and notice how Russell Crowe learns to get better at ignoring the voices in his head that lead him to feel shame , hurt and fear. 

8. Ask yourself what drew you to the N in the first place and recognize that they treat anyone who allows them in manipulative, dishonest, cruel ways, and the behaviors come in many forms; some are obvious and some are quite hidden.

9. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you should just suck it up.  You know what's OK & not OK for you. Not even your therapist!!!!

10. The 12 steps of AA/NA/CoDa

11. Know that it can take a lot of time and practice to learn to cope with a narcissist and that you deserve to be treated with loving-kindness regardless of your past, present or possible futures. 
 
  

[jillebean]

how stellar, Teartracks!!!   yYour advice is perfect in that it tells me that i should practice what i preach since those words you shared came from my head (obviously not originally....) not long ago when i responded to another member's question.  life is cool, n'est-ce pas?

so thank you for showing me that if i really listen, the answers are already inside waiting for my attention.

Also, thanks to my best friend who always shows up at our house with stuff to share, I have copies of the
Deep Inner Game DVD set + a supplemental CD with great boundaries practice scenarios if anyone out there is techie about sharing media.     

[teartracks]

Hi Jilliebean,

Glad the post resonates with you! 

tt

[tempesta]

Jilly....I think what made him start to see things is that he nearly lost me 5 years ago.  Like I said, he still is not completely understanding, but it is a lot better then what it use to be.  He put work, his friends, and his family first before me and the kids.  I love my family too, but he and the kids always came first.  Like I said it is better then it use to be.

It is hard to see them suffer like that, but wouldn't it be nice if they seen what you were going through as well?  Sue for Grandparent rights?  Well they haven't a chance in hell on that one.  I think the only way one can do that is if they can prove the children are being neglected, and I don't see that as being the case here.  So they can knock themselves out with that one, but it won't happen. 

Take care of yourself first.  If you don't, you will get sick from the stress and you need to be strong for your children and your hubby.  Hang in there hun.  God bless.

[jillebean]

ok - in other words, make choices that benefit all as much as possble.  Intentionality!!!!!! Cool Beans!!!!

your words and positive energy have reached me, and I thank you for this......  & ))

[tempesta]

Your very welcome Jilly.  I hope things are going better for you.  It takes a while for them to see it sometimes.  Take care hun, and good luck.  I will be thinkin of ya. *hugs*