Dear Hope,
I cannot tell you what a blessing your forthcoming, honest, balanced, compassionate words are. I will re-read what you wrote because there is so much help in it for me. ..."buzz around like a very large, annoying queen bee."... that actually got me to LOL. It also is a visual that helps me minimize this down to size, if that makes sense.
It hadn't occurred to me that she might have a vested interest (with dad) but I will say that I've observed her, time and time again, involve people in situations to sort of pull strings. In other words, she will get my brother (who she knows that I adore--he is much older) to say her words to me--and then I am left feeling manipulated and mad at my brother as well (although I too find it very hard to say no to her and so I don't say anything to him). I find that absolutely objectionable--there is something about it that just makes me so...mad. There seems to be a secondary motive to every word and action which seems utterly exhausting. At least it would be for me: I don't think that way. Yes, this all feels very intrusive and I feel like saying "Give it up! Leave me alone! Mind your own beeswax!" So, yes, I thought of asking my friend to...sort of say something like... "I cannot get in the middle," or... here's the thing...
my friend desperately wants a gift to an organization that is provided by my father's wife. I said to her that she might want to think about just letting it go but that this would be her decision; she said she really wants it. I have a feeling she will be beholden, or feel so, if she accepts it. At the moment, this is the "reason" for my father's wife contacting her (again, about things that were settled with that two months ago). This is the other behavior that drives me nuts (vent vent) ... my father's wife gives, or provides something, and then demands a return favor. Or expects it. This is as much a part of the behavior as involving other people. You're right, I feel controlled. I'm trying to turn it over to God and pray about it and not let it get to me.
Without pretending to diagnose, are these N-ish behaviors? Or just very annoying ones? I am going through the articles, which I find very helpful. Especially the one about "little voices".
I like the idea about a card to my father alone. That helps as confirmation since I had been thinking about that; giving it to my sister to give to him when she sees him. He doesn't understand why his children have a tough time with her (his wife) and tells me that I wouldn't be where I am "without her" and so forth. That simply is not true. I have made my own decisions, and frankly, listened a lot to him in the making of them. She has helped here and there, but what he attributes to her makes little sense to me.
I appreciate your words about my husband, the bond, and our marriage. As well as the caveat.
with love
Hannah
