Interesting Way of Communicating

[dandylife]

Yes, very much, Bean. It does help explain.

I think one of my troubles is not being able to fully accept that ALL people do exhibit certain N traits or behaviors, but that doesn't nec. make them an N. Maybe I have a highly senstive N behavior detector. Yes I see that he was judging black white/ good bad when it was absolutely not nec. Or his way was better than everyone else's who didn't do it his way. !

And the challenge in his statement! Maybe he does like to spice up convos just to see what happens. I guess I don't know him well enough yet to say.

Thanks very much for your thoughts!
Dandylife

[Hopalong]

Many people, especially many men, are not raised to learn subtle verbal communication radar.
I don't know about this man, but I know some men I've known would say something mock-aggressive like that in an attempt to be friendly.

Hops

[teartracks]

Hi dandy,

Don't you just hate triggers?  Once triggered our ability to respond calmly, clearly, charmingly or candidly pretty much goes up in vapors.  The flustered feeling of having given a compromised answer makes us feel untrue to ourselves.  Ugghhh!  I remember reading something recently by C.S. Lewis where he said, A fabricated emotion is a miserable thing.  I won't  armchair quarterback the exchange you had with your mom's friend.  But I think it is safe to say that the only way to get past the triggers  is to  become comfortable with our choices.  I mean, what earthly reason is there for you not to drink your coffee with cream and sugar if you like it that way?  IMO, the man simply demonstrated his bent for the superficial. 

tt

[teartracks]

Storm,

Invalidation from a person in whom I'm emotionally vested and vice versa would be annoying and might get my dander up.  Addressing invalidation from a person or organization where my integrity were at stake would be necessary for me to stay true to myself.

Giving it back - amusingly - [the 'naked coffee' quip is a good one] is one of the better 'counters' for this, because you don't have to know for sure what is going on.

I don't know about this.  I know what you said might not have been the end of the conversation, but countering with ambiguities where neither side knows any more about the person than they did when they started doesn't seem like progress, or integrity or validation to me.  I think we all do it, but in its true light, I think it is a waste of time.

tt

[JanetLG]

I think this man would deserve a comment using verbal self-defense techniques, as he was being abusive, but hiding it behind so-called 'humour'. Suzette Haden Elgin, in her books, says that the way to respond to this kind of question is to not answer the ACTUAL question at all, but to recognise the ASSUMPTION behind it, and question that.

So, here, it might be,

 'And when did you start to think that you had the right to demand that other people conform to what YOU think is OK as regards food intake?'

Or,

'When did you start to think you could demand that I tell you anything at alll about my preferences?'

 Asking a question back to them, instead of just answering their question, also shows that you're not going to comply so easily.


Janet

[lighter]

Ask him.....

"why do you want to know?"

In a very intimate tone and see what he says to that kind of question next time. 

If he's still stuttering and asking for an answer....... 

It's a good time to ask him something along the line of Hop's thinking.... why he's so interested in talking about something 'naked' with you?

Then laugh like you have no intention of going there with him.

He probably does drink his coffee black..... and think it's the only way to go. 

Blech and my 3 favorite coffee drinking buds do too.

They don't call me a *ussy over it, lol... but I'm sure they're tolerating me, lol. 

Having watched them seemingly enjoy it that way.... I tried the stuff black.  Ick ick ick.

Give me a Venti 2 splenda Latte, mitt schlag, every time. 

I'll even wave a Pumkin Spice Latte under their noses when the season strikes me; )

 

[dandylife]

Glad this topic was revived.

I saw this great comic and cut it out - it's been on my fridge for a while. Hope it attaches properly.

If not, a poll taker knocks on a woman's door. When she answers, he asks, "Do you agree that national polls are fair and unbiased, or are you some kind of moron?"

Hah!

Love,
Dandylife

[JanetLG]

HA! HA! HA! That's so funny!

I love cartoons. Got any more?



Janet

[Poppyseed]

This is an interesting topic.  I find that when I meet a person that sends out those little "digs" it is usually got nothing to do with me.  Maybe this guy had a really bad experience with cream and sugar once.    

[Hannah]

  RUINS??? I love it that way too!!! I think Hops' answer was hilarious. LOL.

I also agree with folks that the point to begin is at the point when you feel you must accommodate.  I used to feel much more "exposed" by comments like that than I do now. I used to freeze. Now I feel like I am beginning to think of my "likes" and "dislikes" as parts of me that I want to express! I think I understand how you felt and that it was difficult to respond. Your question is a very interesting and helpful one.

Hannah