Dazed and Confused

[darren]

Hello,

   My life took quite a strange turn about a year ago.  I was at the end of a relationship with a girl who had a borderline personality disorder, and it had just gotten pretty nasty.  When I had hit absolute rock bottom, I had some sort of enlightenment.  I figured out that holding all my bad feelings inside was hurting myself, and that I should love myself enough to take care of my own emotional well being and not harbor bad feelings and expect people to be responsible for them.  It had the result of freeing me of a lot of emotional pain, and gave me the strength to endure the abuse for the final weeks of the relationship; it also had the result of causing a total breakdown of my former partner.   We went our separate ways, and I did it nobly… a better person than I had been.  And I was starting to take care of myself. 

   I was looking forward to moving on with my life, to finally being free of the chaos and the emotional drama I had been enduring.  Then, for perhaps the first time in my 34 years, I took a long, hard, honest look at myself.  I think it just started with the simple question, “Why did I allow myself to go through so much distress for so long?  Why didn’t I care about myself? “   And as quickly as that, I realized I had never loved myself, and that it was wrong, and I told myself I should. 

   And with that thought, my world got turned upside down.  This was not the first mentally ill person in my life.  It was not the second, and it wasn’t even the third.  Have I been in a coma?  I look in the mirror and see my father’s reflection, or some empty shell… and I look away ashamed.   How come I never noticed I did things like that before?   It’s as if I lived my entire life without paying attention. 

   And, I’ve spent the last year hiding from that reflection…

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Darren...

Just wanted to say that I read your post and nodded, and nodded, and nodded... total agreement... and I've got 13 years on you, so there's hope yet 

Wish I could explain that coma, but all I can say is... can I ever relate!

Glad you're here and I hope you'll keep sharing.

Hope

[Iphi]

Hi darren and welcome to you.  I learned something that is relevant here - there is no change without awareness. Until you are aware of something, as you now are, how could you have changed?   There is irony in your realization that you haven't been loving to yourself, but then castigating yourself for not having been paying attention.

None of us have always paid attention.  For one thing, our whole modern world is like a current moving against paying attention in the way you mean.  At least so it seems to me.

I'm really into Eckhart Tolle right now - reading his books at the moment.  That might be why I am thinking of them in regard to your post, but I think you might like them.  They are about awareness and paying attention and how we get into and out of drama.  Well, I'm getting a lot out of them anyway.

[mudpuppy]

How come I never noticed I did things like that before?

I think a great many people, probably a majority, awake from a sort of coma around thirty and for most of us it is a process of realizing more and more how to live life with each passing year and begin to quit making the same mistakes. Then we tell our kids what we've learned and they don't hear a word we say because we all have to learn it on our own. Finally, just about the time we get it figured out we croak, taking everything we've learned with us and the whole process starts over with the next generation.

mud

[Hopalong]

Hi, Darren--
Welcome.

And, sigghhh, I'm 57, and only began to see the light a couple of years ago.
You're way ahead of me.

Don't despair. Glad you're here.

Hopalong

[reallyME]

DARREN:  I figured out that holding all my bad feelings inside was hurting myself, and that I should love myself enough to take care of my own emotional well being and not harbor bad feelings and expect people to be responsible for them.  It had the result of freeing me of a lot of emotional pain, and gave me the strength to endure the abuse for the final weeks of the relationship;

Glad you joined us, Darren.  I have a question about what you said above.  You mentioned that you figured out that holding all your bad feelings inside, was hurting you...and it had the result of freeing you of a lot of emotional pain...yet, I was wondering, since this is an AWESOME thing you described, for those people who are still stuck, struggling, could you please tell us HOW?  What did you do to free yourself?  Thanks

it also had the result of causing a total breakdown of my former partner.

This doesn't surprise me, having dealt with several bpd people myself.  You become their whole reason for LIVING, LITERALLY, and, when you say goodbye, their problem with object constancy, kicks in full-force, and you become the ENEMY yet DESIRED OBJECT to them...your leaving, sends their world topsy-turvy.

(I also used to have some borderlne tendencies in relationships)

~Laura

[Poppyseed]

It is nice to meet you, Darren.

The relationship you describe with that gal sounds really tough and I am glad that you got yourself free.  It is a scary thing to wake up to where you are and see the deficits in yourself.  When I started therapy a couple of years ago, I remember walking by a mirror and being horrified that I saw my mother in my face.  I started avoiding mirrors. I felt such negative emotion! It scared me.  I remember not being able to think about old pictures of myself, let alone looking at them, without an uncontrollable urge to rip them or burn them.  That "empty shell feeling" or that feeling of being so ashamed --- I know those feelings too.  I am learning, though, that they are only feelings.  Not necessarily representations of the truth.  I had to find out what thoughts or beliefs were behind the emptyness and the shame.  I am learning that I wasn't ever really empty.  I was just confused for a while. (And still am  )  Now, it is so different.  I see myself in the mirror and I can smile.  I can even linger a bit without the old habit of critcizing every physical flaw.  I can see my old pics and I feel a love for that little person and who she was back then.  The judgements I used to make seem to be falling away as love is growing in my heart for myself.

I also think that in the past, I put so much pressure on myself to "know" what was going on.  And have been embarrassed at my deficits in the "knowing" or I felt a profound sense of stupidity at missing what seemed to be the obvious or making lousy choices because of it.  I am 37 and somehow I had the idea that I would somehow know so much by this age.  Well, I don't know much, but I am learning that knowledge seems to come to me when I am ready.  Aerostotle:  "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."  I think, my friend Darren, that you must be ready.  That's all. No shame. No punishment for being late.  All of us need our blinders removed.  I was blind and now I see!  Maybe you and I can learn to be patient with ourselves for not knowing or seeing all of it....for not connecting all the dots sooner.  I am learning to accept that condition of knowing what I know, and not knowing what I don't know  without self reproach.

Love to you.  And peace to you.
Poppy

[lighter]

Welcome Darren:

You got so many great responses..... I'll just say hey and agree that becoming enlightened is a very painful process. 

The more pain... the bigger the lesson it would seem: )

[darren]

Welcome, Darren...

Just wanted to say that I read your post and nodded, and nodded, and nodded... total agreement... and I've got 13 years on you, so there's hope yet 

Wish I could explain that coma, but all I can say is... can I ever relate!

Glad you're here and I hope you'll keep sharing.

Hope

I'll keep sharing now and then, but I'm more of a lurker.  It's really good to hear somebody can identify with my feelings, I've been thinking of myself as crazy for quite some time.

[darren]

Hi darren and welcome to you.  I learned something that is relevant here - there is no change without awareness. Until you are aware of something, as you now are, how could you have changed?   There is irony in your realization that you haven't been loving to yourself, but then castigating yourself for not having been paying attention.

None of us have always paid attention.  For one thing, our whole modern world is like a current moving against paying attention in the way you mean.  At least so it seems to me.

I'm really into Eckhart Tolle right now - reading his books at the moment.  That might be why I am thinking of them in regard to your post, but I think you might like them.  They are about awareness and paying attention and how we get into and out of drama.  Well, I'm getting a lot out of them anyway.

I suppose I do spend a lot of time beating myself up.  I looked Eckhart up on the wikipedia, and it doesn sound like something that'd interest me.  I'll take a look at it!  Thanks for the suggestion.

[darren]

DARREN:  I figured out that holding all my bad feelings inside was hurting myself, and that I should love myself enough to take care of my own emotional well being and not harbor bad feelings and expect people to be responsible for them.  It had the result of freeing me of a lot of emotional pain, and gave me the strength to endure the abuse for the final weeks of the relationship;

Glad you joined us, Darren.  I have a question about what you said above.  You mentioned that you figured out that holding all your bad feelings inside, was hurting you...and it had the result of freeing you of a lot of emotional pain...yet, I was wondering, since this is an AWESOME thing you described, for those people who are still stuck, struggling, could you please tell us HOW?  What did you do to free yourself?  Thanks

Oh, wow, thats a complicated thing to explain.  It took me four and a half years before I got to that point.  My ex treated me horribly, she said horrible hurtful things.  It was also hurtful that we was quite uncapable of expressing any type of love or concern besides any for herself.  So over the years I was just callecting painful event after painful event, building up the hurt inside.  I was mad at her, and hurt, and I held her responsible.  At times, I would try to forgive her, but it was hard because she didn't want to be forgiven, and would do something else.  I couldn't forgive her because she was doing it on purpose, and she wasn't sorry.  Then one day, I just decided I'd have to deal with all the pain.  I decided all the pain was hurting me, and to love myself to do something about it.  I decided she wasn't some evil monster, but mentally ill, and had no idea what she was doing.  I'd been expecting her to be human like everybody else, but really she was just very sick.  There was some battle that had go on in me where I stopped giving to her because she never gave to.  I figured out I couldn't forgive her for the things she did, but I deserved to free of the pain, so I forgave her for my own benifit. 

And as I forgave her, I started to feel better.  I felt like a better person.  It felt good to overlook the horrible things she did.  It had the effect of making her worse though, and I think she wanted to keep me down... but it got easier to look her in the eye and just forgive no matter what.  No matter what she said or did, I knew I didn't deserve it and I knew I was a good person and thats all that really mattered. 

It was forgiveness, though, it never worked until I cared about myself enough to do it for myself.   

it also had the result of causing a total breakdown of my former partner.

This doesn't surprise me, having dealt with several bpd people myself.  You become their whole reason for LIVING, LITERALLY, and, when you say goodbye, their problem with object constancy, kicks in full-force, and you become the ENEMY yet DESIRED OBJECT to them...your leaving, sends their world topsy-turvy.

(I also used to have some borderlne tendencies in relationships)

Yah, it was hell and back.  I still sometimes swap between the loving forgiveness guy and the angry (wants revenge) type guy, but its been getting easier.  I just try not to take it personally.  She treats everybody like she did me...
~Laura

[darren]

Welcome Darren:

You got so many great responses..... I'll just say hey and agree that becoming enlightened is a very painful process. 

The more pain... the bigger the lesson it would seem: )

I did get great responses, didn't I?  I've been going through one support group after the other, but there is a great response here.  I think there's a lot to learn here.  I wish I wasn't such a newb or I could respond to them all. 

One thing I haven't dealt well with, is my ex spread horrible lies and half truths to alot of people, and they fell for it.  A lot of people out there think I'm a horrible person, and it bugs me all to hell. 

And the bit of time a spent with a therapist, he said he thought of was suffering from a major depressive disorder... and he also slipped in the word schizoid.  I might be one of those... what fun to fight your way out of an abusive relationship only to find out you might be disordered to. 

[reallyME]

Darren,

Thanks for the explanation, and i want to put your mind at ease on the schizoid label.  All that means is that you tend to not trust people and you are pretty much a "loner" type of person.  I'd have to say there are more of those type of folks in this world than the bold, mouthy kinds like me...hence why dysfunction continues.  people who are afraid of others, tend to often become prey to those others more easily and also tend to keep it all a secret.

this is not meant as condemnation toward you or anyone who was or is too scared to tell what's going on with you.  it is however, an encouragement for you TO talk to someone and TELL what is happening.

Anyone who was abused, will tend to be afraid of people afterward if they weren't already.  That just stands to reason.  We make a promise to ourselves that in order to self-protect we will NEVER LET ANYONE GET THAT CLOSE AGAIN TO HURT US.  It's an inner vow that needs to be broken eventually and healthy boundaries put in its place, so that we are open to receiving love from safe people and non-toxic ones.

~Laura

[darren]

Darren,

Thanks for the explanation, and i want to put your mind at ease on the schizoid label.  All that means is that you tend to not trust people and you are pretty much a "loner" type of person.  I'd have to say there are more of those type of folks in this world than the bold, mouthy kinds like me...hence why dysfunction continues.  people who are afraid of others, tend to often become prey to those others more easily and also tend to keep it all a secret.

this is not meant as condemnation toward you or anyone who was or is too scared to tell what's going on with you.  it is however, an encouragement for you TO talk to someone and TELL what is happening.

Anyone who was abused, will tend to be afraid of people afterward if they weren't already.  That just stands to reason.  We make a promise to ourselves that in order to self-protect we will NEVER LET ANYONE GET THAT CLOSE AGAIN TO HURT US.  It's an inner vow that needs to be broken eventually and healthy boundaries put in its place, so that we are open to receiving love from safe people and non-toxic ones.

~Laura

Thanks, thats a great response!  And its something I heard just yesterday , my current girlfriend suggested I talk to someone.  

I'm not so afraid of the schizoid label,if it turns out I do have it.  After living with someone with BPD, I don't really think schizoid is very bad.  I'm pretty much able to function from day to day.

I am quite the loner, in fact, hermit might be a better word.  I have nobody in my life except my significant other, and I don't take full advantage of that either.  I don't have a lot of people to talk to to get my feelings out in the open, I just keep them inside and they have their way with me.  Staying so isolated and putting your thoughts out in to the real world keeps some of the more positive thoughts and ideas from being validated.

I've had plenty of opportunities to make friends, and plenty of caring people offer.  I don't lack the opportunities or the abilities, but yet its still a habit I keep.  

I guess my lifelong goal is to figure out how and why I became that way and reverse the whole thing.  I can already trace back to my childhood the overwhelming urge for everything to be over and just get away from everybody.  I'll work on breaking my inner vow... Its quite the catch 22... I need society to get better and yet I don't wanna be a part of it...

[darren]

One thing I haven't dealt well with, is my ex spread horrible lies and half truths to alot of people, and they fell for it.  A lot of people out there think I'm a horrible person, and it bugs me all to hell. 

And the bit of time a spent with a therapist, he said he thought of was suffering from a major depressive disorder... and he also slipped in the word schizoid.  I might be one of those... what fun to fight your way out of an abusive relationship only to find out you might be disordered to. 

Hi Darren, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.  My exNboss made me out to be the "bad" one.  It's very hurtful when others believe lies about you and then can't see you for who you are.   

Laura - thanks for the kind compassionate explanation of the schizoid label and the fear people feel after being abused. 

warmest welcomes, besee

Thanks, it does absolutely suck.  We shouldn't really need other people to verify in our hearts what we know to be true... but saying and doing it are to different things.