Abuse of a Child In A Box Store Today. I watched. Now I'm Ashamed

[teartracks]

Had to see the doctor for a UTI today.   I took the prescription to the super sized box store to get it filled.  I had finished and walking out through the garden center to my car.  I heard harsh scolding just in front of me.  I looked up to see a very large obese lady twisting the ear of a young boy about seven.  I don't know what he had done to push her bully button, but she was threatening to twist his ear off completely.  It was so obvious that this wasn't the first time.  The boy was humiliated, embarrassed and afraid.  The woman was an obvious bully.  There was a teenaged girl standing with them.   Between the three, there was hardly room for me to pass them and leave.  So I just stood there, not more than five feet away and watched.  In her fury, I don't think the lady was aware of my presence, but I was in clear view of the boy.  I hope he was able to see the anguish I felt for him.
 

As they walked away, the big bully lady ordered him to say excuse me to me.  The poor child was an innocent.  He owed me no apology.  I said, its OK honey.  She owed him an apology.  She owed me an apology for humiliating the boy in such a crude and cruel way. 

I feel very strongly that I should have done  something.  That I have gotten in her face and told her that her behavior was on camera (most probably) and that I was plenty prepared to report her abusive behavior to the authorities.

Tell me VESMB, what do you do?  What should I do next time a situation comes up like this?  I'm heartsick tonight and feeling full of guilt that I didn't intercede on the boy's behalf.  I wish I had at least done something that would show him that I was a compassionate witness.

Please tell me what to do in situations like this?

tt


Edit in:  Please excuse the typos.  It was very late,  but I'm glad y'all were able to decipher my point.

[(un)seen]

This is a situation that is very easy to recognize.

Jan Hunt writes about this in her book;The Natural Child-Parenting from the heart:
Intervention can be difficult, especially in a societywhere there are taboos against commenting on a stranger's parenting skills. For this reason, even those adults who recognize abusive treatment and empathize with the child may choose to pass by in silence. Unfortunately, walking past a distraught child also gives a message. It tells the child that no one cares about the suffering, and it implies to the parents that we approve of their behavior.

She says that there is a world of difference between officious, hurtful criticism ("How dare you treat your child like that?" and helpful, caring intervention ("It can be really hard to meet their needs when you're so busy. Is there anything I can do to help?")

I felt the warmth of your answer; It's okay honey. That might just be it! That might just be what the boy needed.
Many times children (or I think children who suffer at ALL times) will hide their true emotions automatically to protect themselves. Alice Miller often talks about witnesses for the children, and many times says that one minute can be enough. It's okay honey could really mean the world to this boy, and be enough, he would have the possibilty to recognize good and love from a stranger, that he will keep in his heart with all other witnessing moments till he reaches adulthood.

I see that you care about this boy, and for me it seems like you already gave him love.
I would like to say well done, and thank you.

Of course the mother probably were treated at least in this way herself as a child and also needs loving examples.

Uns  (who may have had many witnesses in childhood herself)

[lighter]

Hey TT:

I've had this conversation lots of times.

It's always sickening and makes my stomach knot up and feel icky.

I've drove past a young mother just as she was sweeping up her 12mo baby and delivering swift smacks to his diapered bottom.....bc she'd failed to provide adequate supervision for him by the road.

 She'd been mowing...... perhaps Bubbuh Sr, driver of the police car in the drive, was in charge but went for a cold one?

I started looking for a place to turn around then saw three pick up trucks on my tail behind me in traffic. 

::gulp:: 

I didn't know how I was going to get my point accross without offending her and maybe having to roll around in her driveway.  The idea of a cop in the house didn't comfort me either.  Brother, father, bf or husband..... I could picture trying to keep the baby out fo the road while fending off punches and trying to keep mama from wiggling out from under me while my children screamed hysterically from their carseats.... maybe getting out and getting hit by a car so......

I calmly weighed her child's future.  IF I stepped in, Bubbuh Jr might get whacked extree hard for the next 4 or 5 months, but he would get whacked. 

Best case scenario..... mama would see the error in her ways and not whack at all but......

Bubbuh Jr would still be raised in that family with people who most likely were raising him the way they'd been raised and their parents before had been raised.  What was I going to change for Bubbuh Jr by stopping?   Was I going to get to teach a 1 hour class on positive child discipline and stage appropriate child development? 

Short of that, Jr. was with people who are clothing him and educating him as best as they can.  Putting my children in jeopardy didn't have a signifigant payoff, if any, for Jr. 

I kept driving but I didn't feel exactly good about it. 

On one occassion, at a park, I did get up and leave my children in the sandbox to approach a very young woman struggling with her maybe 3yo son. 

He wanted to stay and play in the sandbox when it was time to go.

 He wouldn't let her get his shoes on. 

Things were escalating into threats....

not terrible ones but escalating...

then she popped him on the leg.

He became hysterical at that point. 

The fight with the shoes was on and he was winning.

She was beyond rational thought.... ie scooping him up and leaving without getting upset herself. 

Without thinking...... I was up and moving in that direction wondering what the hell I was going to do when I got there. 

I was kicking myself for going and thinking.... I know I can take her in a fight but...... man o man, I have a playdate kid with me! 

I was dreading her taking offense and getting physical with me... I really had no idea what I was going to say to these two.

Other people were watching.... the young mother was ashamed and flustered and things kept spiraling..."I'll never take you to the park again! I'm going to spank you when we get home!  No TV for the rest of the week!" etc.

She was basically ignoring me as I approached, no eye contact, nothing. 

That clued me in that she wasn't open to anything from me, so I didn't look at her or address her either.

I stooped down and took the shoe he'd just kicked off for the 5th time.

Mama sat back and quieted, ashamed and frustrated, maybe glad for the break but hard to say, really.

 I got the first shoe on..... speaking low and gently to the boy. 

I told him that it would be nice if mama could give him a 5 minute warning before leaving next time, so he could finish up his sandcastle mote...... That he would get to come back to the park more often if he made it easy on mama when it was time to leave. 

I got the other shoe on and mama was up and ready to go, so off they went.  She would have been more grateful had she not been so ashamed. 

 I wanted to comfort her too.

So, the story is.... I guess I would approach the scenario if the child was in distress or danger. 

I would not insult the bully mother, I don't want the child to be punished, in private, bc I had to tell her how sorely lacking her parenting tool box is.  Nah nah nah nah nahhhhh nah.   

I have no idea how you could have addressed your scenario and made things better for the boy.

So, if it's bad enough I guess you call the authorities.

If you can, you teach a lesson to help everyone, and try not to shame anyone.

My SIL was glared at for popping her child on the leg in public. 

IMO, that's shaming and I still don't like that the woman did that to her. 

Eventually SIL dropped spanking from her parenting toolbox but not bc of that lady.  That probably added another 6 months of spanking bc she was so defensive and angry at the woman..... "you just wait and see!" was her response to the woman, who had an infant in a stroller with her at the time. 

WOW!  What balls that woman had! 

My SIL could have kicked her ass! and there she was with a newborn to protect...... making that public statement to someone who might not be balanced or know how to handle any situation without using violence!

Now, I have to re think that one. 

Was that lady brave and bold....  did my nephew pay later for her public judgment? 

I think he paid and I think the spankings did eventually stopped but not bc that woman was big and brave.

Hard to say, really.


 

[Overcomer]

You know?  People do not say things to parents who are abusing their kids but they will say things to parents if their lie is acting up.  My daughter has autism and will jump up and down when she is excited.  Just yesterday the clerk at Target said WHAT WAS THAT?  So I told him she gets excited some times.  And he said I GUESS!

[Ami]

Dear TT,
  That is an awful position for you( and the little boy) to be in. I really don't know WHAT I would do in that situation.
   I would have to use my intuition at that moment . Sometimes ,the mother could get more  violent if you said anything. I would feel inside me what to do and then do it, I would guess.
   I COULD see myself calling the police and I COULD see myself doing nothing,
   I would have to be there to feel out the situation before I could give an answer. It is awful to see a child abused. . In realty, how many good options does the child have who has a mother like that? Even if he is taken away from the mother--- is that better? It is just a HORRIBLE part of life.     Love  Ami

[teartracks]

Hi All,

very large obese lady twisting the ear of a young boy about seven.

I just wanted to say that I used those words to describe the woman in the context of how her size combined with the abusive mouth and ear twisting must have been a triple whammie of fear for the poor child.  I have nothing against obese people.  I have plenty against adults abusing children, whatever their size.

tt

[teartracks]

Hi (un)seen,

I so hope that my saying, It's OK honey warmed that boys heart.  I need to read more of  Alice Millers work.  Thank you for the suggestions and encouragement.

tt

[teartracks]

lighter,

It sounds like you have a level of sensitivity to child abuse as I do.  So often I spot them even when the abuse is not being acted out before my eyes.  I just want to say something that will speak hope into them.  It is so hard to know what to do.  I do appreciate it that you and the others understood my appeal for solutions.  Thanks for the examples from your experience. 

tt

[teartracks]

OC,

I know the kind of attitude you experienced in the store where your daughter's excitment was poo pooed.
I always loved Dr. Dobson's guideline of, Say yes to your children as often as you can.   I think saying inappropriate no's to children squashes their hope and enthusiasm.  I'm talking about the no's parents hand out because saying yes would mean a little more effort on their part for the child.  Children get inappropriate no's from external sources too.  Your example of how you and your daughter were put down by the Target crowd.
Sorry you were blamed for such innocent behavior from your daughter.  That's not right.

tt

[teartracks]

Hi Ami,

It is fact of life that incidents like I witnessed go on far too often.  It is also true that there are limited things the witness can do effectively.  Thank you for your kind heart and willingness to share how you feel.

tt

[teartracks]

Hi A,

If you can do this in situations like that, the child will for a moment not feel unseen, unheard and voiceless.

Your, "It's okay honey." might have done that for him.

He might remember you for the rest of his life. 

Thinking this may be the case makes me feel not so ashamed for how little I did.  Thank you.

tt

[lighter]

Hi Ami,

It is fact of life that incidents like I witnessed go on far too often.  It is also true that there are limited things the witness can do effectively.  Thank you for your kind heart and willingness to share how you feel.

tt

Years and years ago a friend of mine was eating pizza in Midtown when a man grabbed a 7 or so yo child by the hair flung her accross a few chairs.  In public.  My friend got in his face, he's lucky she didn't kick his ass... then made him promise he wouldn't treat her like that at home.  If he didn't promise, she was going to call the authorities. 

OK...... looking back now..... I think she should have called the authorities and maybe stood between the man and the girl.... asked the girl if he was her father or abuductor, lol.... if he was abusing her in other ways.... and maybe kicked his ass if he tried to take her and leave.

I can see that as a moral imperative now. 

I was just confused 15 years ago. 

[reallyME]

This is an interesting topic and a disturbing one.

I can share several cases that I have stepped in on abuse situations, and I can tell you that in EVERY CASE...NOTHING WAS DONE TO REMOVE THE CHILDREN FROM THE ABUSER

Someone close to me was molested as a child.  Years later the same male predator who did it to her, had his baby neice and her parents living with him.  I sensed that something was going to happen with the 6 wk old baby, but nobody would take that newborn out of that house...and, yes , he ended up molesting her too and she ended up in the hospital from it. 

All that happened to the male predator was, he was turned over to custody with his parents in another state.

Another situation, my husband's aunt was beating her daughter with metal coat hangers, throwing her up agianst the table and pounding on her (in front of my children and I when we were staying at their house while her mother, my husband's grandmother was dying in the hospital).  Now, get this...WHILE I WAS STAYING IN THE HOME OF THE ABUSIVE AUNT, I REPORTED HER FOR CHILD ABUSE!...this was in Pennsylvania, the police came, told her to stop and that was it.  The abuse continued for YEARS and, as a result of it, that cousin grew up to be a woman who constantly apologizes for living, thinks everything she does is going to put her into hell, had baby after baby and has 7 children now, married a man who is very image-conscious, and basically, is not a very happy person.

After this incident, my sister in law and I "kidnapped" this girl from her abusive parents and brought her to live with us.  She met her future husband, married, got pregnant and had a son.  The abusive mother came to stay at my house to see the baby and began SMACKING a 5 day old child in my home!  I went downstairs to the girl's room and told her what her mother was doing and the girl became ANGRY AT ME AND TOLD ME I JUST NEVER LIKED HER MOTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE AND I WAS A LIAR.  In spite of that, she took the baby to the hospital, where they told her that there were marks on his legs from the hitting, and she got an order of protection against her mother and the lady moved back to her home state.

Next thing I know, the girl takes the baby and husband and moves out of state and invites the abuser to come LIVE WITH HER TO CARE FOR HER CHILD!  I WAS FURIOUS and STILL AM TO THIS DAY OVER THAT!  Even years later with her other 6 children, she had that abuser come take care of them all and in fact, she is there with her NOW, as the girl's son is close to death.

Another incident...I worked in the mall...owned a small food court restaurant.  I saw a black man threaten a child too young to barely walk, that if he didn't stop crying he was gonna get his a** beat when he got home.  I immediately went to the back room and called 911.  I watched the security guards come and talk to the people at their table, laugh with them and then walk off.  NOTHING WAS DONE!

Another time, a former friend of mine was abusive and I reported her.  Again, nothing was done and she hated me for sticking my nose into things.

I STILL will not turn a deaf ear on abuse or a blind eye, but I can tell you that our judicial system in the USA SUCKS!  There are children being molested, rescued and then returned to the molestors.

Something has GOT to be done for these voiceless victims!

~Laura

[lighter]

Let's face it... we live in a culture where men are basically still able to treat women and children like property.

 Laws are written for men, by men. 

I realize this is a simplification of a very intricate problem... so sue me.

I also realize children don't vote.

I realize that breasts were created to feed young children, but they seem to have gotten demoted to 'sex toys.' 

Most women will agree... they're sex toys, not baby feeding aparatus.

I realize the majority of parents, good parents, bad parents and those in between..... hit their children bc that's what their parents did.

Sometimes I think about running away to a desserted island....

and looking for pirates