Thank you (and need some help on coping!!!!)

[finding peace]

First and foremost -

I wanted to thank everyone for the kindness you have shown me.  It means more to me than I can say.  As a child, my parents did not support me – the support you have shown me is unbelievable.  I cherish every word.  I haven’t been able to respond to each of your posts yet – still a little emotional, but at least the crying is under control. Haven't cried like this since a very young child

I lost it after I posted my story.  Completely lost it.

It is hard to put into words, but I felt as though I had ripped a protective layer or wall down.  I had no idea what was under that protective layer.

Iphi recently explained it so well –

But what happened was that I was like a glacier - frozen solid.  And a catalyst happened in my life - and I melted.  And I started to feel all my feelings - and it was a wild, wild, wild ride.  I would just be sitting at my desk working and I would feel grief, euphoria, despair, joy, frustration, anger, fear. 

It was as if all my emotions in all areas of my life were frozen over time - and then when they thawed they thawed fast. 

(Thanks Iphi - you have an incredible gift with words and they came at exactly the right time.)

It has been a roller coaster of a week, but it is much better now.  What doesn't break us - makes us - eh? 

I can’t thank all of you enough for your understanding, patience, and kindness.

((((Everyone)))))

Peace

*************************************************************

Now I need some help

I am emoting all over the place and am really struggling hard with an overwhelming feeling that I need to refreeze that emotion – and push it back down.  I know logically this isn’t healthy – but a part of me is panicked and wants to go back to the old ways. 

It hit home this week that a long time ago I learned that interaction with other people results in nothing but pain.  My mechanism for dealing with this was to shut down, withdraw, not participate, not engage.  Throw some dry ice on the pain – and isolate myself so that no one could hurt me again. 

I literally had to force myself to post this (shaking as I post this).  That old pattern is really struggling to reassert.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I had a T who asked me what my favorite book was a child.  He said that it explains a lot about who you become as an adult.

My favorite book was Ferdinand the Bull.  It is a story about a bull destined for the bullring.  He wanted no part of it.  They would drag him in, prick him, wave red flags in his face, hurt him, and he just sat there and refused to engage.  They did this a number of times, but eventually, gave up because he refused to fight.  He was sent to a beautiful pasture where he found true happiness.  He was left alone to enjoy the cool breezes, soft green meadows, and the butterflies.

I guess as a child this is what I wanted – to be left alone.  I internally shut down, and to this day have little to do with others in the 3-D world.

So, I got myself where I wanted to be – I am Ferdinand the bull , so why am I not happy here?

OMG    :::::smacking hand into keyboard::::::

I am not happy because it does hurt when you get pricked – to deny that and bury it, I am carrying it with me aren’t I, as long as I try to deny the pain not acknowledge it, I will always be carrying it with me and will never be able to enjoy those meadows?  Seems so obvious now – that book should be banned – totally impossible to be Ferdinand the Bull. 

You guys must think I am off my rocker about this point – (I do too - but this is really big for me – my coping mechanisms are really outta wack).

So I need to learn a new coping mechanism for dealing with pain – how do you deal with the pain?

All advice is greatly, greatly appreciated, and as always – sending much love to each of you!!

Peace

[Certain Hope]

(((((((Peace))))))))

I am just trying to let the pain be and at the same time remain in the present. This is all new for me, too, so I don't have a strategy other than simply a knowing that there can be no more stuffing of the hurt, and a trusting that as it is allowed to breathe, it will diminish, rather than grow in potency.

A recent 24 hour crying jag left me wanting to retreat back into my cave, so I do understand the pull of isolation. But at the same time, reaching out to express a bit of that pain to one gentle person, whom I genuinely like and admire, gave me a new resolve... to never again try to hold it all within. I have the same mechanisms you've described and am determined to reject those old patterns.

There's something about exposing the pain in the little things, like lancing an infection...
sorry for the gory imagery...
but a little at a time, the pressure is relieved and then the next bit can be brought out into the open air.

For me, it helps to stop asking "why?" about these feelings... because that just takes me into my head, and instead - just to allow them to be.
Knowing that they do not have to control me just because I let them out of the box... that helps.
Knowing that there are others who will not use them against me as weapons... that heals.

The very thing of which we are most afraid is that which will bring liberty. The fear of rejection and shame from others is nothing compared
to the many ways in which I've rejected and shamed myself. That's what I'm seeing.
Found an article yesterday which really opened my eyes to some other aspects of this and I'll post it soon. Maybe that will help.

I'm so glad to read you... you're not alone in that pasture.

With love,
Hope

[JanetLG]

Peace,

I'm so glad you are back on the forum...I've missed you!

I know it really hurts, and is so confusing to have all these 'new' feelings. After I posted my story, I had a dreadful wek, too. So much emotion came out - anger mainly, but also regret for opportunities missed.

I've not managed to get much work done during the past few days, and I've cried an awful lot. But I think these feelings need to come out, so that we can move on to the next level, so I suppose we have to be grateful in a way, that we are at least moving.

 I think that the 'Ferdinand the Bull' realisations you've had will be more relevant for you in the future than you can comprehend right now. You might need to just let the feelings come out, and then they seem to calm down on their own, somehow.

You can post here, if it helps, but you know that already.


Janet

[Ami]

Dear Peace,
 When I read your post, I could see how you HAD to have these defense mechanisms(hiding and going in to a shell) b/c you would have gone insane without them. I can see how we get angry at our selves for things that 'kicked in" automatically like defense mechanisms.
  It reminds me of homeostasis in the body. When there is too much acid for example, processes kick in to make the body more alkaline. I see that the defense mechanisms were simply lifesaving features.
   Then we grow up and we are "different". We hate ourselves for being different. However, we simply had to "twist" in order to survive. That is what I think that you are saying.
   You could not have survived intact in that house without twisting. You did twist and turn,,but you are alive. NONE of it was YOUR FAULT.
   I know that these are 'just words" .People have said them to me hundreds of times. Down deep, i still think that it WAS my fault. That is a defense mechanism ,too.
  I see all these defense mechanisms as simply"lies'. All they are are "lies' and distortions".My Shocked thread shows me coming out of denial. I think that you are bravely coming out of denial, Peace.
  It is so easy for me to see you as you are-- a fine,loving ,decent person. You have been brainwashed to see yourself as "bad". It is very,very hard to see the truth b/c your defenses kept you alive and you are wedded to them( we all are).
  I think that you did so well today to force yourself to write this thread. Keep forcing yourself to be honest. I will be here every step of the way. Many others will be,also.
  The real you is a beautiful pearl hidden under the sand and in the shell. Let it emerge slowly by shining the truth on all those lies.    I am so glad that you shared your thread with us   Love  Ami
 

P.S. My story is the Little Match Girl"

 

[finding peace]

Certain hope

For me, it helps to stop asking "why?" about these feelings... because that just takes me into my head, and instead - just to allow them to be.
Knowing that they do not have to control me just because I let them out of the box... that helps.
Knowing that there are others who will not use them against me as weapons... that heals.

The very thing of which we are most afraid is that which will bring liberty. The fear of rejection and shame from others is nothing compared
to the many ways in which I've rejected and shamed myself. That's what I'm seeing.

Yes, yes, yes. 

Your thread on the fawn response was a huge eye-opener – thank you so much for posting it.  I felt a huge sigh of relief at the information you posted, especially on complex PTSD.  That is exactly what happened last week.  Exactly!!!!!!  The internal child screaming – I see it so clearly now.  You have just handed me the tools necessary to cope with the pain.  I can’t thank you enough.   

you're not alone in that pasture.

I am learning that some people bring the opposite of pain.  I am very glad and honored to know you. 

(((((And am sending you support and hugs – Are you ok?)

*************************************************************************************************************************************

Janet

But I think these feelings need to come out, so that we can move on to the next level, so I suppose we have to be grateful in a way, that we are at least moving.

The part in bold jumped out at me.  It is a weird combination isn’t it – to be grateful for the pain and anger?  But you are right – it is moving - moving from a stuck place to one where we can be happier and live a more fulfilling life.

I am sorry you too are hurting. 

((((((((Are you holding up ok?  I missed you too!!!!!!))))))))))))

***************************************************************************************************************

Ami

Yes – it is the LIE.  I did twist to survive, and as I untwist, every turn brings both pain and, with it, release of that pain.  I am also beginning to realize how deeply those lies go (both the lies of my parents and the lies to myself) – but I choose, at this moment, not to feed those lies anymore.  Instead, I choose to shine the light on those lies, and expose the truth. 

(I hear your voice so loudly and clearly Ami – and it is a really beautiful voice.)

I think your story a long time ago may have been similar to the little match girl, but I certainly don’t see that now.  I know that your story is going to have a much much much better ending.

***************************************************************************************************************
Lighter

I also wanted to thank you as well.  You wrote awhile ago about letting go of the pain - you suggested climbing in the shower and just letting it rip.  I remembered what you wrote, and last week when I was at my lowest point, I did that and it really helped.  Thank you.

***************************************************************************************************************

You are all truly beautiful and wise people.  I hope you all see this as clearly as I do. 

((((Thank you)))

[JanetLG]

Peace,

I'm glad you understand what I meant! Obviously, I don't (and you don't either, I should think) want to be 'happy' to be in pain, but as long as we're moving a bit at a time, we're going in the right direction, so I think the only suitable emotion I can label that with is 'gratitude'. That's how I try to see it, anyway.

I've spent hours and hours talking with my husband this week, and emailing a very dear friend, trying to work through the pain that posting my story brought out. It also caused a healing crisis in my husband, which wasn't at all what I'd expected!

I've been doing EFT (emotional freedom technique), and the issues that were coming up last week for me, I tried using EFT on, and it really helped (thanks, Gaining Strength, for mentioning EFT in another post!!).

Also, extra stress usually makes my insomia worse, but I've been to the homeopath, and what she gave me is working WONDERFULLY.

Thanks for thinking of my pain when you've got your own, too!

Janet

[sally]

Dear Peace,

So glad you’re back.

I loved that book!!  Nothing wrong with being Ferdinand, shows you have a deeply instilled sense of self, preferring the meadow and not allowing ANYONE to change your mind, no matter what they do.  That takes guts.  Wish I had some of that.

I love what everyone has posted here.  For me, “Mindfulness” (Jon kabat Zinns) has helped with the pain:  You feel the feelings which caused the pain and then you detach from the painful feelings and just observe them consciously, as in:  I just thought of a memory and now I feel pain and I am conscious of the pain, but I will not stop myself from feeling the pain because these are MY feelings and I respect my feelings (because I respect myself), so I will feel the pain and then, I will WATCH how the FEELING of Pain (like all feelings) eventually ENDS (& therefore the pain ends, temporarily) and I will then feel another feeling, like relief or sadness or joy, or bordom.

It’s kinda hard to describe:  I guess  “Mindfulness” is saying that we are always being bombarded by all kinds of thoughts which cause feelings (discomforting feelings, comforting feelings) and the feelings stay with us for a period of time, but are then replaced by other feelings (and other thoughts).  The mind keeps moving from one thought and feeling to the next thought and feeling, to the next and so on.

So just observe the flow of your thoughts & feelings and do not try to CONTROL your feelings.  A key to Mindfulness is giving up control of your feelings.  If you try to control what you feel, you’re denying your true self. 

On the other hand, if you have negative tapes playing in your head (thoughts), try to replace the negative tapes with loving self affirmations.  So, don't let your thoughts put you in an irrational tail spin of "I stink, I'm stupid" and then hate yourself for feeling stupid and then feel pain due to your negative tape (thought) that you are stupid.  Don't let negative tapes in your head cause you to beat yourself up.

Here’s something I wrote on another post which addresses the interplay of thought, feelings and actions (thought it might be helpful):

If you feel a feeling, own that feeling, it's YOUR feeling.  Feelings are neither good nor bad, feelings just are:  so FEEL your feelings, apply your THOUGHTS to your feelings and then evaluate what is the best ACTION to take so that your ACTIONS honor your FEELINGS.

Sorry I’m babbling on, but guess my point is that it’s best to feel our feelings, the pain we feel is telling us something, so don’t ignore the pain.  But, then use your thoughts to make you think "how can I relieve my pain in a non-self destructive way so that I can make myself feel better?" (my therapist called this “self soothing”). 

So, I think that taking a warm bubble bath or taking a walk or listening to music, etc. would make me FEEL better and would SOOTH my pain.

By soothing yourself, you’re not denying your feelings or your pain, but you’re making yourself feel better in a non-self destructive way. 

So, I think a good way to handle the pain is to figure out how to sooth the pain in a non self destructive way.  Then, the feeling of pain can be replaced by a feeling of being soothed.

Here's one more thought:  In life, Pain is Inevitable, but Suffering is Optional.  This, I suppose, is the essence of Mindfulness: separate feeling pain from suffering.  Or (and this must be very hard to do): feel pain without suffering at all; I think only Zen masters can do this.

Love,
sally

[sally]

Janet,

Glad to hear you are doing better.

May I ask what you are taking for insomnia?

Don't mean to hyjack, but I read your story; ((((((((((((((janet)))))))))))))))))))).

Love,
sally

[lighter]

Peace.... so glad your'e feeling better, learning and unloading some of that pain.

((())))  Feeling better has a heavy price tag.... but it's worth the price.

[teartracks]

Dear Peace,

Oh my, do I understand how you're feeling.  I wanted to go back too.  But couldn't.   Then I got stuck, couldn't  go back or forward.  It was as if I were caught in a knothole with my members flapping in the breeze on both sides.  I thought I'd never find relief.  I was so afraid that I'd remain in that misery for the rest of my life.  Then God must have squirted me with WD40, for miraculously I got unstuck.  The fear of what lies ahead is our enemy.  One of the good aspects of the board is that  there is testimony after testimony from people who've had similar experiences and came out better people.  At least that's the way I feel.  I never want to experience the kind of pain I had back then, but it was worth it to be ME now.   

Recovery doesn't happen in a straight line.  You will have harsh down times, then you'll have a growth spurt, then things will level out, but all the while the process is working its way quietly and efficiently.

I'm so grateful for the others here who so generously mist you with their gentle  wisdom and encouragement.

Peace to you dear Peace,

tt
 
 

[JanetLG]

Sally,

I've had insomnia, getting worse and worse for about 5 years altogether. I went to my homeopath about 10 days ago, and she gave me Aconite 1M (very large dose, only available directly from a homeopath- i.e. you can't buy this over the internet at this strength), and Staph 10M. Both of them were to deal with (irrational) fear left over from past events ( having a burst appendix and being rushed into hospital two years ago, and fears of abandonment by my Mum, going back years, also fear of violence from my Nboyfriend from 20 years ago). The homeopath thought these incidents were keeping me on 'high alert' all the time, so I needed to 'keep a vigil' in case anything happened again (sub-consciously). Also, with my particular kind of insomnia (waking at 3.30 am), Aconite works well, apparently.

It's worked great for me - I go to bed at 11pm, and wake at 7.30 am. Done that 9 nights in a row, now. Amazing!!

I've also just bought a SAD lightbox to try to regulate my circadian rhythms, but I'll be using that more into the autumn as the days get duller, but that should help, too.


Do you get insomnia? Several people on here get it.

Janet

[Bella_French]

Dear Peace,

I do not like emotional pain either and writing or thinking about my past does tend to bring up a lot of awful and painful feelings for me too. And yet one of the things I appreciate so much about this forum, is it allows me to revisit old wounds in especially sensitive and perceptive company, and receive some help with those burdens. I am so happy to hear that in sharing your story, you have felt this to be true in your case too.

To answer you question regarding how to deal with emotional pain: The answer for me has been to look forward instead of backwards, with an attitude that is both pragmatic and optimistic.  I feel that the  `Real' truth about life, is that it doesn't matter what happened before; what really counts is now and decisions you make regarding your future.  You have the power now to create your life, and every day you wake up, you have the same power. To me, this is very exciting; it out weighs the hardships i went through in order to learn my lessons. To me, life is like an artists canvas: it is yours to paint how you will. You have that choice every moment you're alive; all you have to do is decide what to paint.

X Bella
 

[Ami]

I agree with Authentic. The more that I do deep healing, the more that I realize shallow healing will not work. It would be "nice" if positive thinking etc would simply change us and make us in to healthy people. I tried all modalities before I found the board. I tried forcing myself to face the fear. I was afraid to fly. I went to Russia( 17 plane trips).  I was essentially the same fearful person( at the core) as I was before the trip. I have tried it all-- therapies AND forcing myself. None of it healed my core. In my core,I hated myself and gave my power away for a few drops of approval. Nothing from the outside-- men, clothes, education, houses, kids ,friends, looks, etc  changed that-- NOTHING.
  I went to the Bible and put God to the "test". He promised that if I knew the truth the truth would make me free. I was very,very bound , so I thought that I had nothing to lose.
   I had to fearlessly face the truth. Other people don't like it when they are in denial. I was going to fight for my healing.Now, I am almost out of denial about my M. It has taken a few months.
  However, I am getting my core back.I am getting my power back. I am starting to see that I am really a "neat" person . I am starting to like myself.I am reclaiming qualities  that I used to have and that I like.
  The only way to make these steps(IMO) is fearlessly facing the truth.
  I see that Authentic made progress in therapy. I respect that. I see that she took the lead with the therapists,though. She did not give her power away to them. That is the important thing. I always gave my power away to them.I let them define me and tell me what choices to make..Most people will use that against you .
   That is the really,really sad(but true) thing that I am seeing now. No one is supposed to have my power. It won't work , if I give it to anyone. WHAT a HUGE lesson. I learned it in a very painful,bloody way. I thought that a H would love and support you. I thought that if you had babies with a man, that you could be vulnerable and he would not stick a knife in you. I thought that if you were abused, your mother would come down ,like a knight in shining armor, and scoop you up. I thought that she would tell the abuser to not hurt her precious D. .I thought that if I gave my heart and soul to my kids, that I would not have a son that my H is always trying to 'turn against" me.
 Is this just "life".? Is this just life for an abused person? I don't know..
 This is life for me.
 The only person who did not hurt me was my grandmother. She had MY interests at heart.She was the only person who thought about what was good for me.. I could feel secure with her. She NEVER betrayed me.I could be a little kid with her. I did not have to be "on alert" .
  I can even see  betrayal  with friends. They will betray you,if the price is high enough. Is this just human nature? I think so. This is the place that I am in,now.What about me and my price?
  When I went in to a shell at 14, I was at this same place. I was trying to see life as it was. Now, I am here, again. I need to see with my OWN eyes and my own intuition. This whole journey is worth it b/c I found God. Before, I might have had some wisdom,but it was Man's wisdom. Now, I have access to God's wisdom. I, basically, see myself as having a birth process that lasted several DECADES.
 That is a long birth process.I am a little "wrinkled"-- SO WHAT?
  I would love to hear people's comments on life,people, power, having our own power etc. I am glad to be a part of this board.You have saved my life                   Love  Ami

 

[Iphi]

I'm so glad to hear your voice, Peace! 

I once heard this called "emotional flooding."  I tried to look up more about that term but did not have any luck, so maybe a particular author uses it, but I don't know.  But I think maybe a flood was necessary, at least for me, after the thaw.  Now the energies can move more freely like a flowing river, but first the ice had to break up.

When it happened to me - what really helped was hard physical activity.  Like I wrote earlier - I walked all the time, used the gym, went whitewater rafting.  The next year I started yoga classes and I still do that now - I find yoga very helpful and it is a practice to support health in both mind and body.  I'd be happy to talk more about that, but I didn't start it until a year after the flooding experience.

The main thing I did as best I could internally during the flooding was I tried to observe and be aware of the energy of the emotions, not the content.  See how they make your body feel and how they make you feel internally.  Be aware of them without acting out from them, as best you can.  Like I said, I had to close my door and cry and sometimes I tossed and turned all night or felt incredibly euphoric, or shamed and feverish.  It was wild and I talked a lot about it to a few people who were very, very, very patient with me. At times I talked in a manic fashion - so much energy was coming out.

I journaled all the time too, especially when I couldn't sleep - straight stream of consciousness.  I also smoked then, but I don't recommend it!

I also read a lot about NDE's at that time.  It was incredibly soothing and releasing and really helped me go with the flow and not try to control or grasp.  There is a website that collects accounts that you could read.

And of course I went back into therapy after a few months.

I read a concept in a book on yoga.  The author called the concept The Reality Project.  Basically it is about being able to open your eyes to reality as it is and accept it.  There are two pillars to this.  One pillar is Awareness and increasing our awareness.  But the other pillar is what he called Calm Abiding.  We need cultivate our calm endurance, our strength, because that supports and enables our ability to be aware.  I really liked that.  Sometimes I feel too painfully aware, but with little calm abiding.  I will try to find a link.

[finding peace]

I wanted to thank all of you again for helping me through this crazy “crunch period.”

My emotions are still cycling, with frequent panic attacks the predominant emotion.  The good news is that through all of your wonderful advice, I am slowly able to work through it – AND the even better news is that as I am working through them, the intensity is lessening (for the first time in my life).  So, I can’t thank you all enough.

I wanted to let all of you know that I am thinking of each of you.  You are a wonderful group of people who have helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life.  Please know that there is one person out there who has had a life changing experience for the better because of all of you. 

I am sorry that I can’t post as frequently as I would like to show all of you the support you have given me.  The board is hopping right now and I work full time and am the sole income generator for my family (self employed; my H stays at home with the kids full time).  My kids just started school, so it is a bit of a crazy time here. 

I will try and post when I can to support all of you – you so, so deserve that support. 

Much love and many grateful thank you(s) to all of you.

You are in my prayers.

Peace

(PS. Iphi - I love that NDE website and go there often - I too gain a sense of peace reading those stories.)