Pennyplants story

[Ami]

Dear Penny,
  I felt so much heart and soul in your story. I can relate to the twists and turns..I can relate to taking on the "labels" that you got and making them yours.
  I  hear a strength in your story,though. I don't know if you feel it, but I can heat it. I am honored to have read it and to be a part of your recovery as a fellow board member and hopefully ,friend 
                                     Love to you       Ami
 

[gratitude28]

Penny, not only can I relate to your story, but I like the way you outlined in from age to age. That is kind of how I see my life too - in chunks and in certain scenes.
I am so glad you are here.
(((((((((((((((((((Penny))))))))))))))))

Love, Beth

[pennyplant]

Well, thank you Ami and Beth.  You know, the first time I tried to post my story, I got writer's block.  It was overwhelming and I didn't know where to begin or leave off.  That's why I did it by age and turning points.  It made it somewhat manageable for my brain  .

I've been doing some other reading on-line and  a lot of thinking.  I'm becoming convinced that the events of age 14 were what really sealed the deal for me, voice-wise.  At a very sensitive point in my life and after much "training" to be a scapegoat, I was basically a victim of several traumas all at once.  I can't wish away that year, but I think it was pivotal in my life.  In spite of the difficulties prior to that, I still had a self and a sense of hopefulness about the future.  I lost my sense of self and I lost hope that year.

I can't remember who posted recently about how the emotional component of abuse is really the whole point of the abuse, so those of us who weren't severely physically abused shouldn't think we didn't suffer "real" abuse.  That information was really helpful.  It makes so much sense now as to how something that consisted of words could be so traumatic.

I think I'm going to have to work really, really hard to learn to take care of myself.  I never really have taken good care of myself before.  If I can learn how to do that, my healing might progress.  I can tell already that the healing is what makes us able to not engage with the disordered people in our lives.

Thanks again for reading my story.  I've been reading yours as well.

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Thank you, Authentic, for calling me brave and honest.  It's really hard to do this.  I get so worn out.  But for sure, this place is where I have made the most progress in this journey.  Counseling has always been a difficult, awkward thing for me.  I only ever had one counselor who was good with me and she worked for Catholic Charities--they transferred her right in the middle of everything--it made our lives so much harder without her experience and understanding.  But I guess life had to go a certain way for us.  (I'm glad this board can't be "transferred" though.)

PP

[pennyplant]

we all can handle what we can handle when we can handle, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, I sure do know what you mean.  We're getting there.....

[Ami]

Dear Penny,
  I feel like I really got to know you from reading your story. Thank you so much for allowing us to share it.    Love   Ami

[pennyplant]

You're welcome, Ami!  And thank you for being open to my story.

I'm planning to expand on a few of the turning points.  Some of them might be hard.  I'm finding it so helpful, though, to put the events "out there".  Kind of like practicing being my real self, warts and all.  And making some connections that are giving me some important insights.  I've been feeling very confident and strong today after the insight that Authentic gave me when she suggested that the story of my sister having been so perfect until age 2 might be.... just a story.  I have always just accepted that story as The Truth.  To now turn it around and question it--that leads in so many helpful directions.  The dominoes are falling everywhere!

[Ami]

I am so,so happy for you ,Penny. I can hear the healing.It is so wonderful to get a little bit more free.
 To bad that we could not go to the "store" and buy it. It would be so much easier .           Love Ami

[Hopalong]

Just want to send you a hug, PP...
it is wonderful to hear your voice ringing out so firm and clearly.

thank you for your story.

love,
Hops

[pennyplant]

I'm going to do something here that I don't normally do.  I just posted another installment of my story.  This is a really hard one for me.  Maybe it will be a really hard one to read.  So, I don't have any particular expectations.  But I will answer questions or responses if there are any here when I get home from work tonight.  This newest post on my story is my most vulnerable one.  I will not delete it, but I can foresee wishing at some point that I had not posted it.  This is the part of my story that makes me feel most unworthy.  But if I don't face it, then what is the point?

Pennyplant

[Ami]

Dear Penny,
  What struck me,under all the painful and heart wrenching details, was that you simply needed someone to guide you--like that first nun. You were not "bad". You were very,very young with no guidance--either within yourself or outside yourself.
 I don't see that you should fell "ashamed"  Honestly, I really don't. You did not have the strength or "where -with- all" to know how to act "better".
  You needed a mother or mentor. You simply did not have the maturity. If  your  D was going through this - How would you be ,now? How would you guide her? That was what you needed. You needed someone to take you by the hand and  MAKE  the decisions for you b/c you simply were not capable of doing it(IMO)
  I am so sorry for the problems with your son. I remember that I didn't feel this "rush" of maternal bonding when my son's were born. There was this strange creature next to me and I felt kind of "strange". I remember wondering if I was 'normal.' Then,I just figured that it must be O.K.and that people could have many different reactions.
  I think that what happened was that you could not get your own voice and rectify the situation at various points. You could not make a decision (either way) and have faith in that decision. You were too insecure to "take charge" in a way that was right for both of you.
  Then,I think that you thought that you were "bad" b/c you did not "feel maternal". You needed an older woman there to help you know that many mother's feel this way.
 I see the 'fault" with the people  who were supposed to mother you. I wish that I could have been there(as I am now--having raised two sons)
  I would have intervened at the beginning   when you made your decision to help you not to feel guilt over adoption. I would have intervened to have the baby sent to the adoptive parents right away. If you kept him, I would have tried to allay your guilt at not 'having maternal feelings"I think that your guilt and shame about your feelings were a big part in your not being able to bond with him.
  Penny, you were very young and had no on with any sense to help you. I am so,so,so sorry about what happened. I think that it was very important for you that you told this part of your story. It will free you, hopefully, from some of the bondage that has been strangling your lovely  voice    Love  Ami
 

[Certain Hope]

I'm going to do something here that I don't normally do.  I just posted another installment of my story.  This is a really hard one for me.  Maybe it will be a really hard one to read.  So, I don't have any particular expectations.  But I will answer questions or responses if there are any here when I get home from work tonight.  This newest post on my story is my most vulnerable one.  I will not delete it, but I can foresee wishing at some point that I had not posted it.  This is the part of my story that makes me feel most unworthy.  But if I don't face it, then what is the point?

Pennyplant

(((((((((Pennyplant)))))))))

No doubt I've said this before, but I do so wish that you could see yourself as I do. My history is similar... full of what I consider horrible choices which have affected many people besides just myself. Repentance has removed the guilt, but shame is buried much deeper and requires a greater tonic.

So I have faced that sense of unworthiness privately with God, and also shared these feelings with my husband, who says, "You did the best you could with what you had available."  
I don't believe that, but it's all he had to offer. So I take it back to God. Nothing that any human being can say will touch that part of me. Nothing.
And yet... so it is. Done. A life's worth of done-ness. I can sit here and cry for you, for us. And as I do, I thank the Lord for His grace and mercy, and for His promise to make all things new again. My own lesson is that I needed to be made new again, and only then can I leave the past where it belongs.

The fact is - with the exception of the counselor Liz, you had no example to follow and no wise instruction to heed. You had only the information and help at hand with which to work... and so much fear. You felt alone in all this, PP... and that is a feeling I know so well. Having built a young life on a foundation of shame and fear and lonliness, from what resource could you have drawn to manage your circumstances? I ask myself that same question. I simply didn't know any better... and neither did you. I've done my own ignorant stuff, along with plenty of stupid, rebellious stuff, and as I sort through all that garbage, what remains standing is me, here and now. I see you standing, too, and Pennyplant, that counts for a whole lot. I don't have any questions.
Just wanted to say that. I hope it counts for something, too. You have impacted my own life in a way that few others could have done, simply by being genuine here. Thank you.

With love,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Oh Penny.
So much guilt.
You didn't know what you didn't know when you didn't know it.
You did the very best by your boy that you knew how to do.

We all are good.
We all are bad.
We all struggle to keep our bad in perspective and amplify our good.

You have loved your son and you love him now.
You are good enough.
Your mistakes don't define you. They were just your mistakes.

You are a good mother NOW, and it still matters.
Look how honestly and humbly you have talked to your son.

So many sons go through their lives without such an honest love.

You can release all the early stuff. You can forgive yourself kindly...try it. Talk
to yourself with all the mature love you wish you'd had to work with back then.
Whatever happened happened and it's gone down the river and around the bend.

What's coming now is from a deeper spring and you can have happiness.
You have punished yourself enough. You have made your amends.

You are a good person, PP.

love,
Hops

[pennyplant]

You needed a mother or mentor. You simply did not have the maturity. If  your  D was going through this - How would you be ,now? How would you guide her? That was what you needed.

Ami, If I had a daughter and she was going through it--she would be so lucky to have me.  I would know exactly what to do.  I would help her.  She wouldn't have anything to worry about at all.  I wouldn't punish her.  When I was pregnant, I couldn't understand my mother.  I thought, I'm the one who this is happening to, I'm the one who has to give up what I thought my future was going to be.  It was like she thought it was happening to her.  She offered me nothing.  The only time she talked to me about it was at Christmas time.  My aunt was visiting and my mother asked me to "not look so pregnant in front of Aunt D".  At that point I was six months along.  It was so stupid by that point.  What was the point of hiding anything?

About the bonding--I didn't know I was capable of it until my second son was born.  Then I found out what we both really missed the first time.   I knew then that my first son really was robbed.

My idea at this point is to just try getting to know him as if we just met.  I know him, but I want to be easy going with him.  So, I want to approach him as if we just met.  We are going to visit him in October.  I hope it is easy-going like I aim for.  Two people who like and respect each other.

When I told someone I worked with at the time, that I was planning to give him up, she stopped speaking to me.  She started speaking to me again when I decided to keep him.  Nobody agreed with that decision except my boyfriend.  My counselor just wanted to help me with whatever I decided.  It was a very lonely time.  Very, very lonely.

In 1980, things hadn't changed for single pregnant women yet.  I felt judged and I think it wasn't just me projecting either.

My father was supportive when he found out.  I expected the worst and he turned out to be the best.  When he found out I had paid the doctor bill myself, he made sure insurance reimbursed me and paid for the hospital.  My mother didn't even tell me I would be covered by ins.

This is the hardest part of my story.  I do hope that telling it will help free me.

[pennyplant]

Hope/Carolyn,

There is much food for thought here:

So I have faced that sense of unworthiness privately with God, and also shared these feelings with my husband, who says, "You did the best you could with what you had available." 
I don't believe that, but it's all he had to offer. So I take it back to God. Nothing that any human being can say will touch that part of me. Nothing.
And yet... so it is. Done. A life's worth of done-ness. I can sit here and cry for you, for us. And as I do, I thank the Lord for His grace and mercy, and for His promise to make all things new again. My own lesson is that I needed to be made new again, and only then can I leave the past where it belongs.

If I can somehow take this in and understand it and accept it and move on.....

I often wonder, how was it that hardly anybody cared?  How could the nurses in the hospital see my small self, who passed out and had to be carried to my bed, who had to be in a ward with three other mothers who were taking care of their babies, while I laid there all alone, how could they be so unmoved?  Maybe I pushed people away then.  Well, I must have.  I had no experience with anybody caring about me.  I was parked at the self-serve pump my whole life (Light of Heart said that here once).  It fits.  I had to rely on me, only I didn't have much going on to help myself with.  I was still about 14 emotionally.  If that.

I want to see myself as I am.  My husband sees me as the best person in the world.  I don't know how he does that.  I guess it is like the Tibetans.  He loves me because I am his.  He loves me because I am.

This is hard, this shame.  Today I decided to just go back to work and let myself feel like I am normal.  I knew I would come back here and have no time limit as far as having to be anywhere at a certain time.  I still don't feel like I am as good as others.  I still feel peripheral.  But I don't want to force anything any more.  It doesn't work.  If I stay something of an outsider, then I have some freedom.  I think that is what I need.

I will think about being made new again.  I don't think I understand it.  But it seems right.

Thank you for helping me feel less singular.  I feel like such an odd one most of the time.  I don't know anybody else who has done things the way I did them.  Sometimes I envy people who led an average life.  And when they complain about their misspent youth, I think to myself, but you're lucky, you did normal things and grew up at a natural pace.  I think they were fortunate.

Pennyplant