Big step forward

[Mati]

I have been quiet for a few days. Actually I have been in a bit if a state, yesterday. The letter from the minister really upset me. He showed that he has not been listening to me, and he tried to shame me and then he tells me what God wants me to do with my life, and no-one has the right to tell me that. He said that I have not responded to people reaching out at the church, and they think that I want to keep myself to myself. This is utter rubbish, all of my life the problem has been the opposite!! I have always given too much away and went for intimacy way too soon trusting people far too much. (little fawn) Besides, I am in deep pain and trauma from my husband and sons abandoning me when I had to go into a refuge because they had all become aggressive, my husband also had his hands around my throat at one point. I found out later that he had borrowed a huge sum of money and they are now drug addicts. All of this on top of the pain from my son from my first marriage's  suicide and the pain from my N parents and molestation from my uncle  kicking me in the ass in the middle of this. On top of this I have CFS fibromyalgia and chemical sensitivity and cannot get out a great deal. So how ignorant can people be who know I am totally on my own, to believe that i choose to be alone without help!! If they really thought that I wanted to withdraw, surely they should have seen this as a bad sign of maybe severe depression and efforts should have been made to draw me out or someone at least send me a card to say that they are praying for me and to ask for help if I need it!!!!   Especially at Christmas!! None of this happened and all I ever got was a weak, hello how are you? Of course the minister could have put them right as he was seeing me or they could have checked with me that I wanted to be left alone. I am fed up with being second guessed 

Yesterday, i was in deep pain and by evening I felt that at long last, I really had given up. I could not even come on the board as i was in such a bad way and had never felt  so alone in my life.

But today, amazingly, I have realised that I have taken a big step forward and it is because of what I have learned here. I have actually put it into practise and it is working! I want to say a big thankyou 

I saw that I had given my power to that counsellor and that she had really done me wrong. I was in a small self help group led by her, but since reading here, I see that they were only wanting support whereas I wanted to recover. It went belly up as it was bound to and I was hurt. They resented my desire for honesty. Isn't it great that when we recover we can see the results of ours and others actions.

Then I saw that the minister was trying to shame me and that the level of honesty and communication that is taking place in this church is delaying my recovery and therefore is bad for me This has been a big lightbulb moment and shows a level of self care that I have never had before. I am really thrilled.

I am going to write to him and if he responds positively and admits his fault in not listening and getting things so wrong then it may be possible for him to go to the church and explain they were wrong and I do need support. However, this is my boundary. If he does not admit his fault then I will not go to the church or see him again.

I think that the latter will happen as they are all in denial and very self unaware. I think that I will be leaving this area and carrying on with my plans which are to buy a motorhome in Florida, spend a year in the US then go to Europe where I will spend some of the time in a Christian community.

Fear has been holding me back (and the minister thinks it is not God's will for me to do it) but that fear was settled by a member of a forum who said that there are always very willing men around to help at the sites with the lifting of bottles etc. I also had to decide to get rid of nearly all of my possessions as I will be only taking a suitcase.

I really feel like a new woman today.
love
Nati

[Mati]

authentic

Wow thanks!!


Something amazing has just happened. I have had a telephone call from Florida. A man has built a complex of 7 units for the chemically sensitive on the Florida coast and he is renting them out. I wrote a letter last week after spotting it on the internet  but later thought I would not hear from him as I thought that seeing as there are plenty of Americans with CS he would offer it to them as they live so close and it is always easier to be amongst our own nationality.

But he offered me one!!!!!!

It will work out great as i will be able to recover my physical health there and decide about the motorhome if I cannot work out the visa thing to stay.

Wow I cant believe this!!! Thank you father!

[changing]

Mati-

I am sorry that you have been so alone and in pain. So many hurtful things, with no one to talk to. I am glad that you are reaching out, as well as exploring alternatives that are good for you. Please take good care of yourself and choose wisely and for your highest good from now on (don't get trapped in people pleasing)- I had to learn to do this, and it has helped tremendously.

Hugs,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Mati,
  I wanted to get back to you all day. I am so happy for you. I think that the SAD thing in life is that we have to have our own power ,at all times. I think that it is a 'lie" that we can trust people unconditionally.
People can walk BESIDE us--but not "inside" us. I am learning the lesson that I stopped learning when I went in to a shell.
 It is an awful lesson. It should not be this way. People "should" be kind and loving to each other .People should not take advantage of people's weaknesses. HOWEVER, Many( or most) people do.
  We did not learn the "right" lessons in our abusive homes. We came out in to 'adulthood" as babies. We wanted love and care. We got abuse.
  I think that we simply cannot give our power to anyone-- but God. God made a beautiful life for us n the Garden. However,life now is ugly.
  This is my lesson. If it does not fit for you, throw it away . I am so happy to call you a friend.
   Oh, check out Sid Roth Messianic Vision. He has interviews with People who had CFS and environmental illness who were cured. It is AMAZING. It shows the videos of their healings. Let me know what you think                          Love   Ami

[Mati]

Thanks changing. Yes I will do what is right for me. It is not an easy thing to do though.

Ami

Thanks for writing it is always good to hear form you.

I agree that we are not to trust people, even unconditionally. We are only to trust God I think and to expect people to let us down as they invariably do but to still love them. We live in a world full of sinners and what sins we see  in others, are all possible for ourselves.

I do not believe that we should not be optimistic though, but to just expect anything and know that even if we suffer, God will bring good out of it. But we must be wise.

There were crowds wanting to be healed, but what did Jesus often do? He left them and went up the mountain to pray. He did what His father told Him. It is this way for us. We must be led by the Holy Spirit and it might involve dealing with someone who is dangerous. But if it is His will then we can rest in His care. We are not to be led by our own ideas or fears. This is the place of resting without care.

Until we are so close to Him that we can do this, and I have not been for most of my Christian life, then we need to take care of course.

Sid Roth is charismatic and i do not get involved with WoF things as I do not agree with them. God can heal me here if He wants as i do believe that He can. But thanks Ami for thinking of helping me like this. I do appreciate it.

love
Mati

[Ami]

Dear Mati,
  I was thinking about the book,"Things that I learned in Kindergarten."I think that I have a "book" in my mind-- Things that I did not learn about life b/c I was too busy taking care of an N. One would be to have my own "power" and that I am worth it.I am worth loving, respecting defending, nurturing and taking care of.I am worth having character. I am worth leaving a relationship if it compromises me. I am worth standing alone,if need be. My value is given from Above-- not from Horizontal( the earth).
  There were so many lessons that I was not taught. I was taught the opposite-- usually.
   I am just starting to learn what I need to survive in life                        love    Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Mati,

I'm happy thinking of you in a warm beautiful place with sweet pure ocean air.
What a wonderful turn.

Hops

[Mati]

Hi Ami

I was taught the opposite-- usually.
   I am just starting to learn what I need to survive in life

Yes me too. It is hard work to relearn these things as they were so ingrained in us. People have noted through my life how 'unstreetwise' I am. I have been extremely ignorant of so much, and could not read other people at all or work out how to deal with situations with them. I wasn't too bad one on one but if a few people were there i would freeze up in terror I suppose looking back. It was like i was from another planet and i could not make sense of the to and fro of the interaction or join in. I was quickly left out even in therapy groups. The old voicelessness I suppose.   

Ami it is so great to see you grow so quickly.

Hops

Thanks for those good wishes. The man who owns it says he really reclaimed his health there because there are no chemicals.   You are only allowed to buy certain cleaning, and personal hygiene products, obtainable locally and cannot even bring in clothes that have been laundered normally. By that I mean with the usual products. I have to use special liquids without chemicals. With the sensitive the smallest amounts causes a reaction.So being able to live at long last will  bring about a big change in my health. As you say, the clean ocean air will be very good too. I have waited a long time for this sort of help. It really is from God as it is so perfect. I just happened to come across the site last week and did not really think that it was possible for me to get there especially when there are so few units. I got the only one available. It really is the answer to many many prayers. There is nothing like this in Europe.

I am not sure how i am going to manage everything I have to do in such a short time, but a few days ago, I saw that I could not let material things stop me in life and if necessary I have to just let them go without selling them if that is necessary. I have a gorgeous set of drawers, antique and made in the family which I will have to part. It is a great test for my attachment to them.

I will be too busy to take a full part on this site now, and may only be popping in with posts. But I will be reading them.

[changing]

Hi Mati-

I just wanted to see how you are doing! I may try something similar what your change in lifestyle- I am thinking of selling my house and moving somewhere new, with my pets of course. I love how you have zeroed in on what you want- I want to do the same!

I hope all is well.

Hugs,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
   Are you going to leave Law school? That was your passion. Don't let anyone steal it. You will be able to give so much to other people with a law degree.
   I feel like I am talking to my S(older )who I have to keep convincing to " stay in school" at times when he wants to "give up".
  I am NOT saying that you are even in this situation. I am just saying that I think that you should hold on to your dream--no matter how hard it seems.
 That is what a loving  relative would say.                                          Love  Ami

[Mati]

Hello changing

If you are at law school, then maybe you should do that first as Ami says? Are you just feeling fed up with things at present?

I found out that the rental of the condo in Florida was far above what I want to pay. I made a mistake when I was reading the conditions. So I decided that I would not go ahead. But I still want to buy a Motorhome and the more I read about the lifestyle the more I like it.

I have had a lot more pain to deal with though, and realised that what is happening is that God is bringing back memories that have been blanked. This period of deeper healing, is the most challenging yet, but I know that it is necessary.I have found a Christian site for those who have been SA and RA which has given me more information about the process of healing and it is very supportive.

I have written to my minister and told him that I am upset that he is invalidating my feelings when I have told him I am in a crisis and need support and that seeing there is such a gulf of misunderstanding between himself, the church, and me, I am not willing to keep endlessly explaining myself and if they feel they cannot support me then  that is fine I will not waste mine or his time any longer.

He is away this week so i don't know yet whether he will respond or not. I am not expecting much.

I went to my local church and it might be ok for now.

I also found out an organisation called Celebrate Recovery and I am hoping to find out a Christian trauma counsellor I can see. I hope to go to their meetings.

I am still in a great deal of pain but I have found hope again, which is the main thing.

I think that I have found my 'home' amongst those who are going through trauma, and hope that my own recovery will be inspirational and of help to others as God takes me to even deeper levels of healing.

I am convinced that total healing of the soul is promised and possible and hope to be able to prove it soon.

Thanks for asking about me.

love
Mati
xx

[JanetLG]

Mati,

It sounds like you are bravely doing an awful lot of soul-searching at the moment.

I'm sure it'll be OK in the end, though.

Janet

[Mati]

Oh thanks Janet, that;s just what i need to hear at the moment 

[JanetLG]

Mati,

When you said that you've been to your 'local church', do you mean that it is a new church for you? That it is a different one from the one where they aren't friendly?


Janet

[changing]

Hi Mati and Ami-

I am not quitting schol,but must get somewhere safe for now. I would like to perhaps move somewhere where the home prices are not so exhorbitant- I have been promised full scholarships to ABA schools including living expenses elsewhere (didn't leave because of violent NH)- now I am free- if I sold my house, I could buy a really nice home with the equity- no mortgage. I don't want to live in fear this way. I am meeting with the Dean's Office today regarding my disabilities and the NH domestic violence danger- I think that they will work with me.
Mati, I am sorry that the cost was greater than you imagined- I hate that when it happens to me. Please keep looking for what supports your health and happiness, and I will too!

Love,

Changing