Getting Others to Understand

[Stormchild]

Hello Sun

If you can stand it, I suggest you read a short story by Ursula K. LeGuin - it's called "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas".

The story is about a wonderful, wonderful utopian society, where everyone is well fed, cared for, happy... except one solitary child. Who is confined to a closet. Deprived of all human contact and love. Left alone, fed just enough to sustain life.

When the happy children of Omelas are old enough to understand, they are taken to see the Child... but of course, never touch or interact. The door opens, faces look in, the door closes, and then the Bargain is explained.

Upon that one child's misery is founded all the happiness of their world. That one child suffers wretched and alone so that all the others can frolic in the sunlight.

This is a perfect metaphor for scapegoating; that is what the Child is. A scapegoat who suffers so that others can rejoice.

In LeGuin's story, some people found this bargain impossible to accept... now and then, here and there, someone would grow up who was unable to accept founding their happiness on one soul's misery.

If your brother were to see your truth, Sun, if he were to hear you... he might have to walk away from Omelas.

Here is a link to the full text of the story.

http://www.c3.hu/othercontent/linkbudapest/site9901/latest/leguin_english.htm

[sun blue]

Bella:

Thank you for your comments.  Please don't think your comments made me feel more lonely, sad or depressed.  Your comments reflected realities I am already well aware of.  I know very well that I am in the minority when it comes to the kind of sibling relationship (with my brother) I need and desire. I have an NPD sister who I have had nothing to do with for some time and hope it stays that way. My depression has been life long so those feelings go with the territory.  I'm on meds but they don't help a whole lot.  But your post revealed someone who is very kind, wise and thoughtful.  And I want you to know I appreciate it.

Authentic:

My heart broke when I read your comments about your family.  It appears that each and every member of your family has suffered tremendously because of the NPD.  It's so unfair that in addition to losing out on a relationship with parents, we also have to lose out on having a good relationship with a sibling.  In your case, it seems like that is the case with just about all your siblings which means you also lose out on being an aunt to your niece and nephews.  I'm really sorry that there is not any member of your biological family who can be there for you.

I suppose that part of my problem especially in dealing with this in terms of breakthroughs and such is that I am all too well aware of the realities and the pain they bring.  I will have to learn to accept it 110 percent but I know then I will be left with nothing.  The loss will be complete then.  Growing up in my "family" of five where there were no outside extended family or friends allowed, I grew up with the belief that friends, spouses, children are a bonus.  Not everyone gets them and the important relationship, the most significant one is your own biological family.  Not many people believe that I suppose.  In my case, it turned out to be true.  So when you have to admit that you have no real family, well your life becomes one huge hole.

Stormchild:

Wow!  That is a powerful story.  Brought tears to my eyes for sure.  It made me wonder how conscious that choice is when we're talking about NPD families.  To be able to allow another to suffer just so you can be happy is just such a selfish act, I can't ever imagine being able to do it.  My inclination as a person has always been to help others, to "fix" their problems, to offer empathy and compassion.  It is only in quieter moments that I realize those feelings and behaviors are never reciprocated.

That story is heartbreaking but I've come to understand that in all probability, an NPD person reading it would think there was nothing wrong with it.

Thank you for sharing the link.

[sun blue]

Hi Authentic:

You strike me as an enormously giving, strong and wise person.  I do feel greatly for you as it is so hard not to have family to depend on.  It was so interesting that you used the word "superficial" to describe your family relationships.  When a therapist would ask me to describe my relationships with my parents, that's the word I always used.  Superficial.  So sad. 

In addition to our own healing through this NPD nightmare, I think the best thing to come out of it would be to make a concerted effort to end the cycle.  For those of you lucky enough to have your own children, you can show them the love, attention and empathy you never had.  It doesn't make up for what you didn't get but at least the abuse and destruction that defines NPD will stop in your family.

I hope Authentic that you know how appreciated you are here and how valued you are.  Even as you reach out to others (including newbies like me) I hope you remember to take special care of yourself and lean on others' for support as you need it.

[Ami]

Dear Sun,
  I don't know if this will be helpful,but it helps me. I believe in the Bible. When God made the earth,he made it perfect. People  did not have any bad emotions in them-- meanness selfishness, hurting  others  etc.
  The earth was a paradise. We did not have to work or struggle in any  way.
 Then,when man disobeyed God, evil came in. With evil came all the pain that we describe on the board-- abuse, N's, selfishness, pettiness, hatred, bitterness, fear, loneliness etc.
   So  many things hurt, Sun. I was not the scapegoat and I really cannot truly understand the pain of that .It must be such a deep, deep wound to your small sense of self that is still there- gasping for air. I am so, so sorry. It was all their evil. None of it was your fault.
   It helps me to look at how the earth was supposed to be. It helps me to realize that my N M who hurt me so much is just full of lies. It was never meant to be this way for any of us.
  I don't know if that helps at all. It helps me so I thought I would share it. Keep writing. No issue is too small if it hurts you                    Love Ami