How to start grieving: Help please...

[Dawning]

Hi.  Getting closer to "going back" to the states.  Memories are popping up, though, and email communcations are starting up; now that certain people who weren't in touch with me across the Pacific Ocean know I am returning.

One, in particular, involved a person I was once very close with long, long ago.  We were married.  He has since remarried (unhappily, it sounds) and I'm single, not looking with lots of commited friendships.  We both decided not to remain friends or try to be friends.  So, now I feeling the need  to grieve.  Does anyone have any advice on how to start the grieving process?  Is there a good website/discussion board having to do with grieving practices?

It feels so good to know I am not alone in grief (in that it is a universal feeling) but I am alone in my responsibility to recognize it and seek help and support.  Maybe we could start a discussion here...

Love,
Dawning

[Hopalong]

Dear Dawning,

Just want you to know I'm awake and I send love. It's 2:30 a.m. here.

What I think about grieving is that it's not a thinking process.

It's a letting process.

Find privacy and stillness, and let your heart fill up and spill over.

This is a loss that mattered very much to you.
I am sorry.

Trust your inner tears to find their way out,
you will feel the release.

Sending much support,
Hops

[Dawning]

Thanks, Hopalong.  Nice to see you again.   

I'm writing to thank you for sending love - but I should be working....

In fact, your post is full of such pureness that my eyes welled up with tears momentarily.

Gotta run...
Dawning.

[lighter]

The best way for me to grieve is to get into the shower and really sink into the sadness for a while. 

Lot's of crying and NO HOLDING BACK!

Think about everything you will miss and what you've lost.

Experience all of it and mourne it, completely.

Then let go of any hope you have.

Release it.

You'll never that particular thing with him again, and that's that.

When you come out of the shower, you should feel lighter.

It may take lots of visits to the shower or it may take one or two.

The grief stops tapping you on the shoulder eventually.

You can turn your attention to living life fully and embracing new wonderful things you mindfully select for yourself.

You're allowed to be happy and choose wisely..... you know that....

right?  ; )

[Ami]

Dear Dawning,
  I am glad that you are reaching out. I am so sorry that you are hurting        (((((((((((((((((((Dawn)))))))))))                                 Love  Ami

[Dawning]

Hi.  Thanks everyone for giving me some practical ideas on grieving.  Again, it is SO nice to know I am not alone.  I will even remember your grieving - and I'm sorry you had to go through it - when I'm taking all those showers, etc.  My heart feels as big as a house now because you have shared.   


CB.  Hi.   

Is the married fellow the same one that you were posting about in December?

No, no.  The married fellow was my husband and we divorced many, many years ago.  I haven't seen him since 1998 but we've tried to remain friends.  But it is not going to happen.  I finally realized this.  There is literally NO trust there and there hasn't been for some time;  just took my stubborn mind (and fear of grieving, perhaps  ) to fully "get it."  Fully.

As for the man I was posting about before:  he is still in my life but from a distance.  We are getting along well, have decided to put all plans for marriage and co-habitation on hold until he seeks and explores ways of healing himself.  I told him that I would help him do this but I would NOT take any form of verbal abuse.  This was back in March.  He hasn't screamed at me since then or verbally "beat me up."  At this point, we are calling each other "friends."  I've made it clear that I will help him explore his issues but not at the expense of giving up my life and all the things I want to accomplish; the giving back to the community and being part of a community that is more familiar to me (as I grew up in U.S. -southern - culture).  I'm really looking forward to exploring/creating all the opportunities that have been waiting for me come to then (like going to Grad School, maybe). and, as Hops said, I don't need a "cramped spirit" standing in my way.  I've made that clear to him.  It felt good to make that clear to him.  I had the feeling of I am not so afraid of being alone that I will be projected upon and take a barrage of verbal abuse.  I told him flat out, THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT.  MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS IT BUT I DON'T.

I apologize for straying off the topic of grieving just a little to tell you the latest with Mr. Kayak (let's call him that  ) 

And I will be back in the states very soon.  Before Halloween!

Love,
Dawning

[lighter]

::sigh::

Dawning......

you come here with boudaries in place....

successfully defended.....

plan for your life in place, education..... head on straight.....

BRAVA!

Don't let the first infringement go by.

Diligent, consistent defense of your boundaries......


is.....



a....




very......



good thing: )

[Bella_French]

Dear Dawning, I am so sorry to hear you are grieving. 1998 was not that long ago to me; it was around the time I broke up with my longest term partner to date, and it still feels like yesterday. We never resolved anything, & it ended with far more cruelty on his part than I ever would have expected. It still hurts whenever I think about it, although the utter agony of it has subsided with time.

Grieving is so hard for me. It is multidimentional too, in that sometimes I still grieve about things that happened decades ago, because of something  new I learned, or because of some way in which I have grown. I agree with hopalong, in that the act of grief is visceral, and not so much intellectual But for me the act of healing is  the other way around- its more cerebral than emotional.

Anyway, i want to send my love to you. i can relate to what you're feeling.

X Bella

[sun blue]

I'm so sorry you are in this grieving process.  IMO, you already are grieving and perhaps reminiscing a bit?  It might also help to try and identify exactly what you are grieving.  Are you grieving the fact that your past relationship with this person did not work out?  Are you missing this specific person?  Are you grieving the fact that at this particular moment you don't have a love interest in your life and thus this other person is bringing up all those feelings and memories?  Are you grieving or just feeling lonely and scared which would be perfectly natural in your situation.

You sound like a very giving and kind person.  Perhaps once you move back and begin to reconnect with old friends or make new ones, the grieving may give way to other interests and priorities.

I think sometimes when someone from your past re-emerges in your life, the tendency is to look at that relationship with rose-colored glasses.  It's human nature to remember the good times, the romantic times, the enjoyment of being with someone.  But I would imagine there are good reasons why you are no longer with this person. 

At any rate, I hope you can temper the need to grieve this relationship person with the excitement of starting a new chapter of your life, moving and finding new relationships.

Take special care.