Hey Ariel, I'm not saying that N Guru Sam Vaknin has any answers, but you might want to read this by him. It's scary stuff, for anyone, whether you think it's correct or not, just the ideas are scary....
Do Narcissists Have Emotions? by Sam Vaknin
The Narcissist is hence unable to evoke his positive feelings without provoking his negative ones. Gradually, he becomes phobic: afraid to feel anything, lest it be accompanied by the fearsome, guilt inducing, anxiety provoking, out of control emotional complements. He is thus reduced to experiencing dull stirrings, dim movements in his soul, that he identifies to himself and to the outside world as emotions. Even these are felt only in the presence of a subject capable of providing the Narcissist with his badly needed Narcissistic supply.
Only when the Narcissist is in the overvaluation phase of his relationships, does he go through these convulsions and convolutions that he calls "feelings". These are so transient and fake in nature that they are easily replaced by rage, envy and devaluation. The Narcissist really recreates the behavior patterns of his less than ideal primary objects.
The Narcissist knows that something is amiss. He does not empathize with other people's feelings. Actually, he holds them in contempt and ridicule. He cannot understand how people are so sentimental, so "irrational" (he identifies being rational with being cool headed and the latter with being cold blooded). Many times he finds himself believing that their behavior is fake, intended to achieve a goal, grounded in ulterior, non-emotional, motives.
He suspects, he is paranoid, embarrassed, feels compelled to run away, or, worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable aggression in the presence of genuinely expressed emotions. They remind him how imperfect and poorly equipped he is. They threaten him. Constant nagging by a spouse, colleagues, professors, by employers – only exacerbates the situation.
The weaker variety tries to emulate and simulate "emotions" – at least their expression, the external facet. They mimic and replicate the intricate pantomime that they learn to associate with the existence of feelings. But there are no real emotions there, no emotional correlate. This is empty affect, devoid of emotion. Being so, the Narcissist fast tires of it, he becomes impassive and begins to produce the inappropriate affect (remain indifferent when grief is the normal reaction, for instance).
The Narcissist subjects his feigned emotions to his cognition. He "decides" that it is appropriate to feel so and so. "Emotions" are invariably the result of analysis, goal setting and planning. He substitutes "remembering" for "sensing". He relegates his sensations (bodily), feelings and emotions to a kind of a memory vault. The short and medium-term memory is exclusively used to store his reactions to his (actual and potential) Narcissistic supply sources. He reacts only to such sources.
The Narcissist finds it hard to remember what he felt (even a short while ago) towards a Narcissistic supply source once it has ceased to be one. It is difficult for him to recreate the emotions, which were ostensibly involved. In his efforts to emotionally recall – he encounters a void, draws a mental blank.
It is not that Narcissists are incapable of expressing what we would tend to classify as "extreme emotional reactions". They mourn and grieve, rage and smile, excessively "love" and "care". But this is precisely what sets them apart: this rapid movement from one emotional extremity to another and the fact that they never observed occupying the emotional middle ground.
Mostly, these expressions will be related to being weaned from the Narcissistic drug. Breaking a habit is always difficult – especially one that defines (and generates) one's being. Getting rid of dependence is doubly taxing. The Narcissist identifies these crises with emotional depth and his self-conviction is so immense, that he mostly succeeds to elude his environment, as well. But a Narcissistic crisis (losing a source of Narcissistic supply, obtaining an alternative one, moving from one Narcissistic Pathological Space to another) – must never be confused with the real thing, which the Narcissist has never experienced first hand: emotions.
