The breakthrough of my feelings.....

[Michelle]

As I have said before, I am in counseling.  One of my major problems that my counselor is helping me with is to FEEL my feelings.  I know this has been discussed on here before and I have found it enlightening.  I know I have lots and lots of repressed anger and sadness that has yet to make its way to the surface.  

I had a breakthrough this week that I wanted to share.  We have 2 pets - a dog and a cat - and have had them for 5 years.  Needless to say, they are my children (I had them pre-"human"-children).     Well, our cat is an outside cat and on Monday she went out as usual, but hasn't been back since.  We have searched the neighborhood for her, called all animal-related folks and have not left a single stone unturned.  This is very unlike her and we are worried sick.  However, this has been a huge lesson for me.  I have been tremendously sad since Tuesday, when she had been gone for over 24 hours.  Since then I have cried several times a day, particularly when I really sit down and think about her or hear a sad song on the radio.  Last night I even cried when the 9lives commercial was on.   We love that cat like you can't believe, but I have really come to terms with my feelings.  That it is ok for me to be sad.  That I don't have to apologize or feel badly for feeling the way I do - even if someone else doesn't understand or agree with me.  I don't have to explain myself.  It has really felt freeing to feel this way.  I honestly think that this is the first time in my life that I have allowed myself to feel true grief about something.  I hope that this will open the door to allowing myself to mourn and grieve over my lost childhood.  I hope that I can allow myself to be mad and then sad about all the horrible things that have happened in my life so far.  Then I hope I can find it somewhere inside to at least forgive my offenders.  Even if I don't have a relationship with them, I think for my own well-being I need to forgive them.  

I hope my cat returns.  I have hope that she will, but I am also being realistic in knowing it is probably not likely.  I will celebrate the many memories that she has given us and always hold her dear to my heart.  If I never see her again, she has blessed my life with so many things......and most recently, she has given me the gift of "feeling" again.

Thanks for allowing me to share.  Please keep our cat "Pepper" in your thoughts and prayers.  Thanks.

Michelle

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi, Michelle--

My thoughts are with you,

Richard

[Michelle]

Thanks Richard.  I appreciate your thoughts very much.  I just got finished reading some past posts and read the one about your dog, W., passing away...That post truly touched me.  I am so sorry about the loss of your dear friend.  My thoughts are with you as well.

Michelle

[Ishana]

Michelle,

Isn't it amazing what wonderful benefits pets can bring into our lives?  I am glad that you found a way to grieve...and that you make the connections to other emotions.  My thoughts are with you also.

Ishana

[Michelle]

Thanks Ishana...I appreciate your thoughts.  You are very kind!

Michelle

[Dawning]

Last night I even cried when the 9lives commercial was on.  We love that cat like you can't believe, but I have really come to terms with my feelings. That it is ok for me to be sad. That I don't have to apologize or feel badly for feeling the way I do - even if someone else doesn't understand or agree with me. I don't have to explain myself.

Michelle, what an inspiration your breakthrough message is. Thank you very much for putting it into words.

I, too, feel for your loss.  Living with two cats, who I look after and nurture (listening to their meow-voices) I can completely understand how much Pepper means to you.  

"The last act of a well-cared for cat, is to find itself a place for
the last of its nine lives, to go quietly out into the night, and
not to be a burden to its adopted family.  
Dignified to the end, we can learn so much from them.  
Light a candle for her, and remember the good times
she allowed you to have with her."  -anonymous.

Saying a prayer for Pepper now.  

~Dawning.

[Michelle]

Dawning,

Thank you so much for your words of kindness and empathy.  It feels comforting to know that other people really "know" how you are feeling at a time like this - thank you for that.

"The last act of a well-cared for cat, is to find itself a place for
the last of its nine lives, to go quietly out into the night, and
not to be a burden to its adopted family.  
Dignified to the end, we can learn so much from them.  
Light a candle for her, and remember the good times
she allowed you to have with her."  -anonymous.

I cried when I read that.  Thank you for sharing it - I have never heard it before.  It is so true too.  Our pets just love us unconditionally.  I have a dog also, and she is part of my heart too.  But there is just something different about a cat.  I can't put it into words, but Pepper just knows me.  Pepper doesn't ask for anything in return for her love, she gives so much without expecting anything and she is totally happy with that.  I have to say this....my father died in '01 of a massive heart attack - totally unexpected.  As I've mentioned in a previous post, I was sexually abused by him and I also suspect now that he was at least a partial "N".  Although my hope is fading with each passing day, I am not certain that Pepper isn't coming home.  And the emotional loss I feel from possibly losing her is deeper and more painful than even losing my father.  I have cried more the last few days over just "thinking" about losing her than I have since my father died.  Sad, I know but I am just trying to explain my love for Pepper.  

My counselor gave me a terrific definition one day for "expectation" - planned disappointment.  I have taken this to heart on many different levels and situations in my life this past year.  But it rings true especially now, for Pepper.  She doesn't "expect" anything of me.  I guess it is the easiest to totally, without reservation, full force give your heart away to someone or something when there is nothing in particular that they are looking for from you.....in this case, the only thing she "wants" is to be cared for and loved which I have provided hundredfold.  The unconditional love I have gotten from her is immeasurable.

Thanks for listening....I am just feeling really sad tonight.  I was reading tonight by the back door hoping that I would hear her little paws scratch to come in.  So far, no such luck.  Please keep praying for her.

Thank you again Dawning for understanding.....it means so much right now.

Love, Michelle

[Wildflower]

Hi Michelle,

I'm so sorry to hear about Pepper.  I had a pretty special cat when I was growing up and boy was it hard to lose him.  I'm so happy for you that Pepper has already given you this gift of accessing your feelings, and I hope he comes home to teach you more.

My cat and I are sending homing vibes to your cat.

Wildflower

[Michelle]

Thanks for the message Wildflower, it means so much!  Please continue to send those "homing" vibes to Pepper!  

Michelle

[Portia]

Hi Michelle, I just asked the 'spirits' to help Pepper home if that's the right thing - cats are important in our world and they deserve special thoughts. “Please help Pepper get home if that’s where she should be.” And if she’s not meant to come home in ‘person’ I hope she’s the cat spirit flitting like a shadow across your back door and catching the corner of your eye. But for now, help her get home if that’s possible. Thoughts P

[Michelle]

I hope she’s the cat spirit flitting like a shadow across your back door and catching the corner of your eye.

Thank you Portia for your warm thoughts.  It's been kind of strange.  A couple of times since she's been gone I have thought I saw her run by.  But I know she didn't....it's just me missing her.

Thanks again for your caring.....

Michelle

[Dawning]

Dear Michelle,  

News on Pepper?  

I just remembered the story of a cat my friend lived with.  She was an outdoor cat too and disappeared one evening.  My friend thought she had gone for good but she showed up a year later with a male cat in tow.  
This may be an exceptional story but it did happen.

I think what you are saying here:

and most recently, she has given me the gift of "feeling" again.

is a VERY healthy way to think about the loss as painful as it is.   What a gift she has truly given you.  

~D.

[Michelle]

Dawning -

No news on Pepper yet.  We have been looking every day around our neighborhood, but nothing has turned up as of yet.  Maybe that's good news...not sure yet.  

That is a funny story about your friend's cat.  Pepper is fixed, but I have seen her playing with a few cat buddies 3 houses down several times.  A strange thing.....two of their cats disappeared last month without a trace - just like Pepper.  I found that out yesterday.  Weird, huh.  

Thanks for keeping Pepper in your prayers.  I will keep you posted on anything we find out.

Michelle

[Michelle]

Just a quick Pepper update.  No sign of her as of yet.  She has been gone 8 days today.  

We're not giving up on her, but my hubby made a good point....we need to prepare our hearts that she probably isn't coming home.  

Thanks for your prayers.  Please continue to keep her (and us) in your thoughts.  

Blessings,
Michelle