Taking a break from the boards

[tayana]

I'm going to be taking a break from the boards.  I have noticed an overall attitude of hostility in a number of threads, and I am not comfortable here.  I usually reread my posts  a number of times so that I don't offend people, or at least I attempt not to offend or trigger or anything else.  I have enjoyed my time here.  I have received valuable advice and support, but I am uncomfortable with the general nastiness that seems to be going around of late.

I wish everyone the best and hope you all find healing.

Tayana.

[changing]

Dearest Tayana-

I hope that all goes well with you and you precious son, and you enjoy the wonder of your transformation and freedom. I love reading your inspiring posts, and will be happy to see how you are doing when you post again. I will be thinking of you. I know that you are a writer, so you will perhaps start a book in the meantime?

Love and take good care,

Changing

[Hops guest]

Oh, Tayana.
This makes me sad.

Please come back in a while
and see how things are.

I have loved learning about you,
your new life, your bravery, your boy.

love,
Hops

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))
Please take care and come back when you do feel comfortable. The board does go through phases - but we all seem to come back to a safe area. I wish you sweetness and joy with your son.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

(((tayana)))

Come back and let us know you're OK....

[Gaining Strength]

I understand Tayana's sentiments.  I have found an atmosphere that is difficult to describe but that is not condusive to personal growth for me recently.  While I do see great value in permitting disagreement and in working through conflicts, the word Tayana used was "hostility" and I think hostility always stands in contrast to healing.

What I am looking for is an atmosphere of nurture, support, and encouragement.  I don't know where to find that so I have been trying to create it for myself.  When I find myself engaged in conflict I find myself out of sync with the nurture that I need to move forward. 

For some time now I have been working to replace the many, many triggers in my life that cause me extraordinary pain. Criticism and condemnation, rejection and sabotage have been the powerful themes in my life that have ruled my unconscious.  I am determined to bring them to the surface and expose them to the light.  It has been slow, painful, difficult and lonely.  I cannot do this work in a negative atmosphere so I chose to avoid such areas of hostility and even conflict. 

I don't expect everyone to agree with me (what a weird and drab world that would be) nor do I think that would be valuable but for me, at this time, I need kindness and comfort and encouragement for my healing. 

[Overcomer]

Maybe because I have backed off due to moving, surgery, trying to keep up on my phone, etc.  But I haven't seen the hositility.  OR, I choose to not see it.  One thing I DO know is that email or something like this can often be misconstrued.  I remember writing an email to a friend exactly how I would speak to her.  Well, she took it the wrong way and flipped out.  She totally thought I was being mean but what I was was being honest.  So anyway...........I wish you hadn't felt hostility, but I respect your feelings.

And GS?  I understand what you are saying, too.  Whenever I tell my mom a story, she quite often tells me what I "should" have said or done.  I now tell her to stop SHOULDING me!!!  Even if someone handles something in a different way than we do, I know we would feel so much better is someone said, "Well, that person must really be a jerk to have you react that way....."  Instead of, "why did you overreact like that??"

Am I on the right path??

[Gaining Strength]

Overcomer - I've mentioned this before but it has made a real difference in my life so I'll write it again.  In the book of Toltec wisdom one of the 4 steps is to not take things personally.  In the past I have found it so easy to take offense and now I make an effort to let things go.  I realize that I once actually made an effort to take offense and guess what - you can always win on that one.  My emotions were raw - I was a prickly pear. 

Now when I take offense - especially if it is really painful I begin to work on not taking offense.  It may take days and days to overcome it but my heart and my body and my entire being are better off for learning to let go of taking offense.  It is changing my life.  To not take offense does not mean that I don't have boundaries - quite the contrary.  My boundaries are more heightened.  If someone is particularly offensive rather than "taking" the offense I let it stay with them and construct high, thick barriers to protect myself but (ideally) I do not give offense back rather I send them God's love and move on.

The more I can love unkind, offensive people (behind thick walls) the more I can heal my wounded, offended heart.

[lighter]

This thread has thinking of a prayer attributed to St. Francis.

I read it often and it's a comfort..... I think it improves my life.

Lord, make us instruments of your peace.  Where there is hatred, let us sow love;  where there is injury, pardon;  where there is discord, union;  where there is doubt, faith;  where there is despair, hope;  where there is darkness, light;  where there is sadness, joy.  Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;  to be understood as to understand;  to be loved as to love.  For it is in giving that we receive;  it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;  and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.  Amen.

I think I might make one addition.....

where there are people taking themselves far too seriously.... esp to the exclusion of hearing other vioces...

let them experience insightful glimmers.... of themselves and their situations (with humor) and the ability to grow past who they were..... into who they can be. 

This is such a hard thing to ponder, esp when Nish people are involved. 

Or people who have never considered, since they were small, that they can be wrong or aren't perfect just as they are. 

Obviously I'm not talking about anyone on the board.... I think everyone here realizes they have flaws and are experiencing a deep longing for change and growth. 

[Ami]

I have learned a lot about my voice from these conflicts. In real life,it is not "sweety-sweet" except in N families where no truth can be told. That would be the closest place . There you are only allowed a limited range of emotions . If you go beyond that , you are banished.
  I have learned more from developing my strong voice( b/c I expressed my truth)  than if a whole group of people told me that I was "wonderful".
  I learned many of the lessons that my M tried to destroy.
  Love  Ami

[lighter]

But what if....

hmmmm....

let's play... what if for a sec.

What if.....

                           lies weren't always lies... but someone else's perspective
(that didn't agree with something someone else believes?)  

                           Is someone's truth a lie, bc someone disagrees with them?  

I don't think so.


                           What if....

the confrontation is the hostility....

                          and the initial (alleged) act of hostility is just another poster's truth?

If someone believes something on the board, do we all have to fall in line and adhere, like sheep... or be labled meanies and evil do'ers?

                          Seems a bit odd to me but.....

I digress.

                         Why do some get excused for their posts... bc of their victimhood or healing status... and other's don't?

Everyone here is healing and overcoming abuse and trauma.

                         If one person is excused.....  why not all?

Seems to me that there are some here who are intolerant of voices that don't agree with their own... or support their views.  

                        Lord help me if I ever find myself believing everyone will understand and agree with me.... support me in everything I do.

                        Is there no room for seeing things differently... and saying so?

I'm not much for excuses.... but I do like to understand and listen to reason(s)

                        ::nodding::

Should some people's perceived intolerance, for the truth of other's..... allow them to inflict labels and hostility.... while assuring us that their truth is the only one that matters... is somehow more valid than the thoughts and beliefs of others?  

It is..... after all... their truth as they see it.  

I don't see evil....

I see confusion.  

Well.....I don't see evil (on this board....) like the evil of slapping a woman around in public: /

Goodness.... there are so many ways of looking at a situation.

The one thing I've come to understand....


is.....


if someone is saying EVERYTHING is someone else's fault....



it's usually a lot to do with them

That isn't mine, btw.  I think maybe it was Scott Peck's?  Not sure but.....

it's food for thought.  

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Authentic.  I think of you all the time but I have been in a very different place for me - I have had very little to say on the board lately.  I do see that you are making great progress.  I am making progress as well.  It seems very, very slow but I will not minimize it.  I am deeply and profoundly thankful.  As you can imagine - it is incredibly painful and in a very strange way having nothing at all to do with past pain but I liken it to  going through physical therapy after a debilitating accident.  Hard work with little day to day proress but over time the progress is abundantly clear.

The process of  identifying and replacing those powerful condemning voices that had been so completely internalized is strangely difficult and feels unnatural, like letting go of a valued part of me.  Why do these voices of condemnation feel like my best friend?  Putting on a mantal of love and grace and kindness feels so very foreign and strange, but I will not be detered.  I want to grow in strength and love and encouragement and to do that I must turn away from darkness and anger and belittlement and so much more - at least until I am stronger.

[JanetLG]

Gaining Strength,

It's good to hear of your progress. You are right - don't belittle yourself for 'small' gains - they often turn out to be the big ones, looking back with hindsight!

I have ben thinking of you...I have become a complete convert to EFT, and I've stopped using my glasses,as I'm now healing my eyesight with EFT. Many other things EFT has worked with, too, and so quickly! It was just a chance comment by you that alerted me to this method of healing, but it's been so incredibly interesting to try it on things that I haven't been able to 'shift' for years.

Thank you!


Janet

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks to you both.  Janet I am so glad to hear that EFT is working for you.  It is time for me to go back and try it again.  What amazing results about your eyes.

[Ami]

My eyes are healing as I am getting my "feelings "back----                                        Love   Ami