Hello Everyone,
I suppose I really don't need to introduce myself, someone on your board has done quite a job of that....I need to express why I have chosen to post here. I in no way am asking for any of you to be a judge or a jury. I am fully aware that it is quite possible for people to perceive my decision to share here as an attempt to discredit, lambast or rub salt into wounds of someone here...I am incapable of proving otherwise. I only ask that if you do read this, try to read this through the eyes of someone who is seeking understanding and healing just as many of you are as well....
After going through a few years of abuse with this person. I am just now starting to find my voice..I have been one of those people who have tried to work through things by not lashing out, by trying to love a person beyond their actions, and as hard as it is to admit.... sticking my head in the sand and hoping that it would all just go away. I have found that these things with my abuser have not worked. I have never been given the option to walk away, I have been forced to maintain a relationship with them, though I believe it is unhealthy for me. I have resorted to becoming totally silent, cutting all ties and not responding in any form.This has been a way for me to make another effort in hopes that things would finally end. It HASN'T! I have tried every avenue and am finally out of plans.
I have tried to distance myself by setting boundaries in my heart...I have tried to talk things through,in an effort to resolve anything that I can to finally find closure..I have tried to just have a casual relationship with them. but I found that even during these times as long as I did as they asked....Things would be smooth, but the moment that I was unable to respond as they demanded or perform the way they intended for me too...(remaining in contact with them every day and informing them of all that I was doing) I would be put through another cycle of accusation, ridiculing, public humiliation, demeaning vicious attacks on every area of my life that could be assaulted.
This included my family and anyone that they felt were friends of mine or getting to close to me. It would only stop if I would acknowledge and admit the things that they expected me too and come back to "restore our relationship"! I continued to do this time and time again, until I could no longer handle it mentally, physically and emotionally..This was the point in which, I made the decision to do as I have already stated....I RAN and stopped responding in any form.....You may wonder how on earth then, are you being forced to maintain a relationship? Well, until I "restore" and continue the relationship they believe we should have... Thus far it has always resulted in the abuse..Including what has already been mentioned. What I haven't mentioned is the continual contact that they try to make with me, sending emails leaving offlines on my messengers, contacting people they know or think I may be in communication with..
What has been difficult to understand is during the time that I have not spoken to them or responded in any form, they have continued to share "their story" on places just like this, yet at the same time and sometimes on the very same days they send me emails apologizing, speaking words that are directly contrary to what they share on here as well as what they share with others...This is soooooooo confusing....If they truly see me as this horrible person than why continue to contact me, why continue to tell me they miss me, they love me, they are thinking about me, they wish things could be resolved etc. I have included a few of these emails or offlines only from this YEAR, meaning 07 so that you can better understand what I mean...Why can't they just heal and leave me alone....I do want them to heal....but I DO NOT want any sort of relationship with them....
I must tell you that I am in no way innocent in this situation. I made promises in the end I was unable to keep. I reacted in ways that I will always regret because it has caused this person alot of pain and hurt. I wasn't prepared for what this "relationship" would entail....I made mistakes and said things that I wish I could take back...I have asked this person to forgive me numerous times, I have apologized to her in front of others, I have acknowledged my failures and my wrong doings....I can't change what happened, but I can do everything that I am capable of to ensure that history doesn't repeat itself with me....Regardless if I see things the way that this person does or not, or even if I see things being totally different, it doesn't change the fact that this person See's it this way, experiences the pain and hurt that comes with their "truth"....In the end, their feelings are important, valid and I am accountable for them carrying what wounds they do and the effects that has resulted because of my actions, lack thereof, and words spoken.
Every person on this earth is valuable, even those that maybe we have a hard time seeing that way. If we are able to look beyond our own hurts, mindsets and preceptions we will find that there is purpose, worth and valuable treasures hidden within every human being. I know it is sometimes, difficult to see it, because so often it is buried deep beneath exteriors of unlovely actions, words and walls build to protect them..In the end, it is there if we look deep enough. Although far to often it never surfaces for the world to experience, benefit and share in. This is something that I have always believed, and regret to say that I haven't always walked out...
For so long, I have felt like a small insect caught in the middle of an enormous spider web, being injected periodically with some sort of paralyzing venom that would affect me in such a way that I was incapable of moving, speaking or crying out for help, for fear of making the SPIDER even more angry, which would always result in more of the above cycle...Each time the punishments would escalate...I have been through this for what seems an eternity, though I know its only been 4 years...I know that I have to find some way to STOP the cycle with this person, but I admit I just don't know how....I feel I have tried everything that I can and yet it continues....It is difficult when the person leads things in a way, that truly renders you voiceless and defenseless....
I have never wanted to react in the ways that they have in an effort to not bring any humiliation, embarrassment or tell things that would only stand to hurt or wound them..I just have tried to hold out hope that sooner or later they would stop, it would stop and finally CLOSURE would come....I have really had no defense, nor have I had a voice...By, the time they are finished people have heard so much of "Their Truth" that anything that I could say would just be shut down anyway with the attitude of "How Dare You, After all YOU have done" I just did what I knew to do, let it run its course until I couldn't handle it anymore than respond to one of their messages and "work things out" by doing this, it always STOPPED....until I didn't comply with the Type of Relationship they wanted us to have.....
No more though....I made that decision and am not going to falter on it....I do have some sense of safety because she no longer knows where I live, because we moved out of the state we were residing in, she knows the state we moved to but does not know the town, nor my phone number....I cannot be manipulated and controlled to have a relationship with someone I don't feel comfortable with....That's just not fair, Is IT? My coming here was my first real step forward into Freedom from this....I don't have to hide, run, feel trapped, defenseless, voiceless or paralyzed any longer...I do NOT have to admit to things that I have not done, I do not have to agree with things that I disagree with nor do I have to allow these things to be used as venom to silence me...I am who I am and everyday I have determined to grow stronger and not allow anyone or anything to hinder me from becoming the best person I can be!
