Hello, this is my first post and sorry in advance cos it is going to be long and my English is not perfect.
It also involves pently of sorry self centered statements too I suppose
I am 28 and always been a loner. Thinking back, my childhood was lonely and very pressurising from where I stand now. Although I was excelling in studies and being modelled around as a 'perfect obedient 'student/child , which I suppose kept me going , things changed in adolescence. I did ( what I consider now as ) internalising and created my own internal world. Mediocracy frustrated me, its either tops or bottom for me even accademically from then on. My heath deterioated too, got wheezing, ulcer, and sometimes headaches. The depression grew etc and finally I am here, intellectually sound, but emotionally bankerupt.
I now recognise after some extensive research including councelling, that the problem is not entirely with the world but with me. N person, is not always someone else I think. !
My parents, I have cut off relationship with them and havent talked for over a year now. My father, is what I consider is someone who always is right and cant be wrong. According to him he has never made any mistake since he was 13yr old ! According to him, he is the cleverest person in the world, and I am the next. Sometimes or most times he fails to see any difference between us which is shocking. According to him he is 'protecting' me from the world cos it is evil and everyone is jealous of him and me ( who are the only good people about ,apart from some of his own relatives ). In other words he is living ( in his own words ) which he repeats often ' solely for the sake of me' . I have also noted that he has muted off negative feelings, he simply fogets them. He is also a puritan, no drinking, and is very religious etc. He is also so frightened of death, he implied very strongly only reason that keeps him alive is 'his love for me' and so as not to fail me without whom I would be lost in the world. According to him he has had two heart attacks, but according to me and others he has had only one ! What do I call him ?? Nfather, or is it codependency ? or is it simply emotional rape and abuse ? Must add that he has taken care of me financially and given me a good education though
My mother, this is something that hit me so recently, only has not sunken in yet completely i guess and it is so hearbreaking for me. She is as good as dead for me . She was never there for me. When i was in Uni my tutor was the one who 'first' made me think about myself, and was kind of 'councelling' me from behid the back. He planted seeds of doubt in my mind about her.. which lead me to do research and finally recognise that our family is not exactly the 'perfect happy family' as I was often told. When I entered therapy later on, the therapist told after long frustrating sessions ( i guess i never showed my true face to her much ,just my N face i think ) that from what i told my mother was ' extremely self-centered' and only seemed to care about herself. I was 'fathering her' and saving her from abuse from my dad and sometimes she wouldnt even acknowledge it cos in he rmind it might get her into trouble perhaps with dad. She is not even warm with kids, and sometimes even panics to even pick up the phone, all she needs is to keep out of worldly troubles ( which even includes my existence perhaps ) She has not even made any attempt to contact me ( not even once ) after I was gradually breaking up relationship with them . What do I call her, emotionally absent, neglecting ?
I am now lost and depressed and all alone, and and am facing serious problems relating with people. I was so confused that I had questions of my sexuality etc which was the reason I went to therapy ( not the N factor i think ) Now no therapy, and nothing hs changed, I also consider I have some behaviours whicvh I consider obsesive compulsive ( like certain mini rituals in privacy etc ) which I realise started when i was in my teens.
I read through this messageboard plus some other sites regarding Narcissism, codependency, emotional and sexual abuse, neglect, a bit of psychoanalysis etc Somehow I realise I keep intellectualising everythign, and don't seem to be doing any real progress in life. I am trying to get back to the GP and ask for therapy, somehow I have not mustered up the courage. Hopefully posting here will keep me on the right track.
Sorry for the long rant but I thought I needed to shout out loud
Althought labelling doesn't always help and isnt always necessary, I would somehow like the idea of naming me, and my parents. I believe I have done so myself above, but still I am not sure. I think if i label then it is easier to concentrate on heeling ? I would be so thankfull if some of you going through similar process care to give any suggestions.
thanks for reading
