Why do the abused/voiceless cling onto their abusers in adulthood?

[Anastasia]

Does anyone have a clinical reason they can give as to why those who have been abused/voiceless cling so desperately onto their abusers/parent when they grow into adulthood--and can get totally away from them?  But, no, they hang around the abuser/person who rendered them voiceless attempting to squeek any little drop of human kindness from them for themselves.
We have all seen this over and over from either us or others behavior over the years, and it still baffles me as to why it goes on.
The totally rejecting parent of my cousin--the very mother who gave her away to her paternal side at 1-1/2 years old and told her she could not move in with her at 9--not only clung all thru her life to this rejecting mother, but, upon her death, bought her a huge 6 foot engraved tombstone.  Huh?  Is it just me?  Or is my cousin the world's biggest patsy?
What is going on here?

[reallyME]

I still ask the same question, Anastasia.  The only answer I can offer is that it's sometimes because of "stockholm syndrome"  That means that the abuser mixed enough good deeds into their abuse, in order that the person can justify the abuse to themselves.

The victim says something like "I know he beats me, but he always buys flowers afterward."  I know she abused my son, but after all she is his grandmother and gets him such nice clothes for c'mas every year."

In my cousin's case, her mother abused her 4 day old son in my home.  She got an order of protection against the woman, and then left the state where it was issued, moving her mother in to help raise her child.

In my case, there was enough good stuff...gifts, words, promises, hopes, mixed in with the bad, that I still can't always seem to sort it all out either.

~L

[Certain Hope]

Anastasia,

I think that your cousin blames herself for her mom not loving her.

That's how I was when I'd go after my npd ex-husband to bring him back home... thinking that if I could just do enough and quit doing enough, and only bend myself into a better pretzel... then he'd love me right. When you don't know where you leave off and another person begins, then you feel responsible for every single action (or lack of action) on their part.

Stuck in the endless loop of shame, that's what it is to me.

Carolyn

[reallyME]

So then there's a need to get lot from a person who will not give it.

That is the dance.

The lesson is to learn that the person did not give it because they did not want to and are not capable, and it was nothing at all to do with the victim.

So true.  The hardship becomes even worse if the person, at one time "seemed" to be giving something to you, but then they stop, leave, and you start hearing that they are giving those same things to another person...as well as the other person coming and telling you that they are doing that and that you just weren't as suitable for them as this new person is.

it's a "dance" alright...a painful, deadly, cruel one.

the person did not give because that part of them, the ability to give and keep on giving, the deepest feeling of loving and WANTING to give to someone else without strings, just never did get connected inside them years before that.

<----and step and twirl and leap...

[Ami]

I thought that I could  never be"whole" if my M did not love me. I thought that I had to go back to HER and have HERr put in the missing piece . I did not realize that i could put in the missing piece by myself. So, I kept going back with different "offerings " to make her love me.
  It never happened. The board helped me to find my voice and now I can love myself ,which was what I wanted from her .                      Love  Ami

[Anastasia]

In my youth and younger days, I wondered why my mother didn't love me.  In my more mature days (and after I raised my own son), I realized how incapable of loving anyone she is.  I cannot take it personally.  She wouldn't have loved any child as she is too self-centered to love anyone.  And her basic instinct is one of insecurity = selfishness.  And if she cannot "use" you, she loses you.  But, I am a grown woman and in reality. 
As for my cousin, I think she is out of her mind to buy her mother this huge tombstone.  Her mother--who needed her tubes changed in her throat every day (and my cousin ran over to her house to do it)--promised my cousin the house and all her possessions.  Then she left everything she had to her 5th husband, a wino her mother supported for years!  He didn't even work.  Ever.
Yeah...right...I sure would buy her a tombstone....NOT.
My cousin got zip, the 5th husband wino got it all....and contributed nothing to the funeral.  His contribution must have been made nightly, because he did nothing for the woman while she was sick hardly.  And my cousin even put his name on the tombstone as "beloved wife of..."
I just think my cousin is a total fool as does the rest of the family.  My gosh...guess she can't believe her mother didn't care for her at all.  The rest of us know she didn't.
This just baffles me, but we all have seen it over the years, I'm sure.  Totally am in agreement with all your opinions.  Just this nonrealistic behavior makes me just shake my head is all.  

[sunblue]

Is it logical to keep hoping someone who has never loved you will suddenly change?  Does it make common sense that through extended, continual efforts you will have a loving, healthy relationship with your NPD parent?  No and No.  But relationships, especially the most significant ones of your parents, are not always logical.  They involved the heart.

Every child wants and needs to be loved, not by anyone, but by their mother and father.  So hope springs eternal.  It is incredibly hard to give up that hope, especially in situations when you see your NPD parent "seemingly" giving that affection and love to others (usually to their NPD children, strangers or those they look to for NPD supply).  It is so difficult to accept as an adult that you will never be loved by your parents, that you will never be shown the kind of care, attention and interest that children are supposed to receive and which are so critical to the healthy development of a person.

Recently, on an Dr. Phil episode, he gold an adult daughter to do her best to reconcile with her feuding mother because "she won't be around forever and once she's gone, she's gone."  So very true.  We know that.  That's why we do our best to keep hoping.  But in certain cases, such as when you have an NPD parent, the reality is there can NEVER be any real reconciliation because the NPD person will never, ever admit to their wrong doing.  They also don't think and act the way we do.  They're driven by their need to be seen as perfect, right and superior.  So they don't care about having good, healthy relationships.  They are selfish, incapable of reciprocal love and ego-centric.  It defies logic.  It defies common sense.

Whether a child or an adult, it is incredibly painful to accept that you will never have what you hunger for so much. 

IMHO.

[reallyME]

same goes for others, not just parents.  They think with foreign brains and hearts and therefore claim a right to remain unwhole.

"They honored me with their lips but their hearts were far from me."
If you say you love your Father whom you cannot see, yet hate your brother whom you can, you are a liar."

With that, I depart

[changing]

Sunblue-

I used to cry every year during the holidays ever since I was a tiny child- I had no family members that were sufficiently interested to share them with me, no gifts, etc, usually. Then I started making my own Thanksgiving- I usually make several types of turkeys and accoutrements. (Many people that I know don't cook, so there are many tastes to satisfy)Christmas is also busy now- singing, etc.
My D has died and I am at peace, generally, with what happened between us- he continued to remain uninterested in me, though I was the only one who visited, took care of him consistently, etc. in his last days. Somehow doing my duty to him made it easier to go to the next step, and not hang on so tightly to the wrongs of the past.
My poor M- she has Parkinson's, but is ashamed of me, I think afraid to reveal that she has a D that she abandoned at almost 4 y.o.- she does not want me in her life, though I had offered to help her, and assured her that I was not angry, as she had thought I must be. Her last words to me were, "Oh, but what will the neighbors think when they see you (what an almost humorous cliche)? I am torn-  should I barge in and help her against her will, or obey. I obey, but it is harder even than with the D situation. Am I doing right or wrong?
If I had family to turn to now, as is normally the case, I would feel less vulnerable in my current situation, but I do not- it is better to see my reality clearly than to "spin my wheels."

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  What always strikes me about you is your dignity. You explain yourself with such  humility that I am crying. I just don't know how you can endure with such grace.
  i see you as truly  beautiful person.
  You want to give back even though most people in your situation would be  bitter and just want to 'receive"".
  You always have a kind ,uplifting word for others.You are an inspiration to me, Changing-- a true inspiration.                                           Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

Dear Changing,

Your mother isn't ashamed of you.
She's ashamed of herself.

Could you bring yourself to ask her for help?
Is there any she could reasonably give?

Such as, does she have enough money to provide so you might hire PT help?

If not, ignore the suggestion. But maybe an opportunity to help you would help heal her.

I think you'd have to first figure out if you could accept her No, if that's what happened,
without it ripping you deeply.

Treat yourself so kindly now, okay?

love,
Hops

[Bella_French]

Dear Anastasia,

Your cousin's behaviour makes sense to me, in the sense that any child who is abandoned by their mother at only 1 1/2 years of age is going to have a whopping `abandonment' trigger. Its a little different to the triggers other abused children experience, in that such a child would grow up feeling intense pain and fear of literally dying, when they are abandoned by loved ones.  I have a similar wound, and although i am conscious of it I am humbled by the pain of it. I think anyone who has not yet gained awareness and support for such deep and strong pain, would react in the kind of ways your cousin behaves.

On the outside, yes, I can agree that the behaviour is foolish. But if you felt what your cousin feels, it might make more sense:) Guarding a wound that noone else can see is one of the trickiest parts of living, IMHO.

X bella

[Anastasia]

Thanks for that answer.  And the answer is so OBVIOUS that we missed it!  Of course, she would have enormous abandonment issues.  This answers why she clings to my mother, her Aunt, when she has been rejected by her in the recent years, also, and blames me for it when, in reality, it was the Aunt/my mother who did the rejecting and not me.  Abandonment issues would explain all this...good golly, Miss Molly...where have I been on this issue?  Out to lunch, I suspect.  So obvious, as I said, that everyone missed it.  Thank you, again, for pointing out the obvious.  You hit the nail right on the head with that one.

[tayana]

I wanted to post to this thread . . .

I had an enormous need for my mother to be proud of and accepting of me.  My mother knows nothing about me, really, because she has created a reality and she refuses to listen to the truth, but I desperately wanted her to say she was proud of what I had accomplished despite the adversity I faced.

There is a part of me that wants to have a friendship/good relationship with my mother like other women do, but this is totally impossible.  She frequently tells me she's going to bring me something, and then never does.  Instead she expects me to come to her, expects me to do her wishes, how she wants, and I just can't do that anymore.  The little bit of hope remains though, and that's the reason I ended up so enmeshed with her.  Because I wanted a relationship I couldn't have, and some relationship was better than nothing.  I had a tremendous fear of losing my family, even though they have never been supportive of my decisions, never been truly loving.  I was thinking that last night when my son and I were working on a school project, and there was not a moment of conflict or yelling because it wasn't "perfect," just a lot of peace as we worked on it together.

It's very sad for me to realize that my parents cannot give me unconditional love.  That's what all children want and need, but their love comes with conditions, with prices.  If I want my mother to love me, I have to play her game, and I'm tired of playing her game.  Her game caused me to repress so much of my personality that it took years to find myself and accept me for who I am.  I won't go back now.

[changing]

Dear Tayana-

You are such an admirable person, and a tender, good mother. Your loving nature has been sorely tested by your M, your creative energies drained. You deserve to be free, and your son deserves a whole Mommy- no pieces torn out by rapacious others who do not value the treasure that you are, Tayana.

I am so inspired by what you have done and are doing- you are amazing!

Love,

Changing