My Personal Message/Authentic's Reaction

[Starfish]

Certain Hope said

Since my mother's tizzies generally consist of the cold-shoulder treatment(and lots of passive-aggressive behavior behind the scenes), and since this is so common and continuous with her... I often wouldn't connect the dots and see what (if any) was the specific "slight" to which she was reacting.
There are many ways to taunt someone. One very covert method which I've experienced is the making of continuous, vague allusions to events which have been taken out of context and warped to suit the "victim's" sense of being a martyr. That's a major hot-button with me, because there's no way to resolve anything when a person is committed to re-writing history and too proud to admit that she may have misjudged.

This describes my Nmom to the T.  So hard to pinpoint but pervasive in the "relationship".  We are actually cycling through this little dance right now. (I posted in my stories about the current 'conflict')

and Changing's response:

I agree. There is a point at which beating a dead horse is not only ineffective, but creepy and pathological.
CH your mother continues her attention-getting and power seeking by setting you up, over and over with a never ending pattern. However, if you protest, try to tell your side of things, try to see the humor in the situation, or tell her to knock it off,then you are "rude" and she will cry about how you have hurt her with your " discourtesy". If you try to correct her irrationality, she will cry about your "viciousness". Of course she does this in public in order to achieve the maximum effect. She (all Ns) set themselves up as the arbitors of proper behavior and truth, even if they have to trounce and lie to do it. They live for this sort of exchange- perhaps if we don't respond to the dead horse beating, their little arms will tire (hard to do if it's your mother, though) .

Right on the money.

I am trying to teach myself to not respond. Which in of itself is a problem because it still elicits the "I don't know why you are ignoring me, I haven't done anything" response. 
I try to remind myself daily that it is up to me to protect myself from the cycle, but sometimes it seems like no matter how I respond (or not respond) I am dammed.

Anyway, I am a newbie trying to navigate the world of no contact, and self protection.

Good morning friends,

Love Starfish

[changing]

Dear Iphi-

You have been tortured by a truly sick situation- disgusting twisted mind control tactics . I am saddened to read this- such a violation of a child. Soul torture. Sorry you had this in your life experience.
I am also happy to read that your lovely soul survived, sensitized to that sort of madness, perhaps, but unscathed , beautiful and loving.
No one thinks that you are truly evil or causing problems. This is a Bagworm tactic that we must learn to deal with effectively- no more guilt-trips or coercion seeping putresence into our pores-We must see their disease for what it is, be it our parents, or whoever. In situations where the madness is too entrenched for us to deal with ourselves, we must leave them to the professionals. If conventions dictate that we acquiese to these violators because of their "right" or "need" then hang convention    ( though I think it is really our brainwashing that makes us think that we are expected to accept their sick actions).

I am glad that you stood up for yourself- out loud. Maybe I can learn this as well- no more merely politely turning away, but telling my truth and shutting the N Bagworms up! The few times that I have done this it did work...

Hugs and Brava for Your Courage,

Changing

[changing]

Miss Ami-

I have seen the sweetness, fierce loyalty and loving nature that is yours. Your teaching as a little girl planted those needs regarding others that you describe, and you are dealing with great bravery there. The funny thing is, you have always been very lovable just the way you are...ask your puppyhounds. I think the N brainwashing has almost been eradicated!

Love,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,dear,
  ALMOST  healed. Thank you for those kind words                    Love  Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Iphi,

I am so sorry you were exposed to all that darkness beginning from such a tender age.
For me, it feels like it was all subliminal... like I've been reading sour, smug looks and critically disapproving snubs from the womb.
No more of this being labeled "them" ... not by self and not by anyone else.

Whenever this comes up again, I feel exactly as you've described... as though the thing which is being demanded is just the same as what N demanded from birth - codependent servitude. "I don't care what you think/need/want - this is all about ME and if you were a decent human being, you'd disappear for my sake!"
Well, I refuse to be boxed that way by self-obsessed fools AND I am so glad you're out of that box.
Also, stymie-ing a cerebral N into silence is no small task, so I'm taking lessons from you!

I'm practicing what Beth has said here... catching those thoughts and just dealing with the immediate need, as possible and if appropriate (keys, there!) - without assuming responsibility for the whole mess.

Starfish, Changing's reply really is right on the money, I agree. I'm sorry you're still engaged in your mother's dance, because she is sure to never allow you to lead. I'll go read your story's latest installment asap... and in the meanwhile:

Ancient wisdom says... when the horse is dead, the prudent thing to do is DISMOUNT!  heh.

[Iphi]

Hey thanks for your kind thoughts and useful ideas everyone. 

gratitude I didn't say but want to say that I echo changing's original sentiment on this topic - I am impressed with how you handled yourself too and will remember it when I am faced with any similar situation.