Feeling like I'm running on a treadmill...and getting absolutely NOWHERE....

[womanonamission]

I"m very new to this board...but I know this is a place to vent about issues with abusers.  My roommates (3 adults) are very manipulative and have at times been very emotionally abusive.  I know the situation I'm in is not a good one (between name calling, basically always being told I'm wrong....to instances of actual physical threats or even actual pushes), but yet for some reason I feel like I can't leave.  The situation is very similar to how I grew up in my family...so yes I see the red flags....I even think I know what I need to do to change the situation...and yet when it comes right down to it....I'm too spineless to actually do anything to help myself.  It feels like I'm taking 5 steps forward...but then somebody will snap on me....or situations where I'm basically being taken for granted and advantage of present themselves...and I turn into a total spineless woos and end up taking 10 steps backward.  I can give friends of mine who are in similar or worse situations advice...but yet I can't or won't apply it in my own life.  What the heck is wrong with me???

[changing]

Hi Womanonamission-

Many of us have been in similar spots- I am sorry that you are experiencing these difficulties. Please protect yourself from any possible violence.
I hope that you find the proper way to create a secure, peaceful and happy life for yourself, you deserve better than being pushed at home. That is unacceptable, and you can associate with others who are at a higher level of awareness, as you are, and you will be happier as a result. Please keep posting,and don't give up.

Best to You,

Changing

[womanonamission]

Thanks for the encouragement....I"ve learned when to just stay out of the one person's way so the physical threat is at least lessened.  The emotional stuff kinda comes and goes....and why i say about being manipulated...it's when I either don't do or say what they seem to think I should that the names and other emotional stuff gets brought out against me.  I will keep posting because I know I'm at the point in my life that my life and my peace of mind literally depends on ME taking the time to care about me and not everybody else for a change.

[changing]

Hello-

I am so sad that you are living in fear, having to hide like that. My husband physically coerced me also, and it was a living hell. Please keep safe, and find a safe place to live right away.

Love,

Changing

[lighter]

I don't know why it's so hard to think..... when we're living in fear.

It surely is.

Step back and try to view your situation from a great distance... look down on it.... what advice would you give to someone, a stranger, in your shoes?

Sounds like you need other living arrangements to me.

Start thinking about the mechanical nuts and bolts of that move.

You have lots of roomates. 

That means you'd be looking for a very inexpensive OTHER roomate situation?

Where?

Do you have to move a pretty good distance from these people to feel safe or just get out of that space?

I'm sorry this is happening to you but.... it's time to stop running around in frantic mental circles... and start depending on yourself to make better decisions every day.

You can improve your life.

You can choose worthy people to share your life with.

It's just hard to get started..... to stay on track.

::whew::  Don't want to overwhelm you more than you already feel but.....

you're going to have to be mindful about what you want.... then plan for it and remain mindful in your choices.... but you can do it (())

[womanonamission]

I know the advice I'd give someone else in my shoes....that's the frustrating part...cuz I 'm not following through on it in my own life.  It's like the dysfunctionality I grew up in as become so familiar and so for lack of a better word...comfortable that I let myself be stuck in it.  I mean even sitting here reading that now...I realize how stupid that sounds...but I think that's what I'm doing. 

[Hopalong]

Makes sense, WOAM, and welcome...

It's fantastic that you have a clear, true outline of what's happening.
You're repeating your feelings from your FOO (family of origin) in this group living situation.

That you now know that is like making a key.
You've been shaping it and sanding it.

There's an energy to that...like placing the one piece of a jigsaw puzzle that suddenly makes a large area make sense. If you encourage it, that energy will build. The insights will come in. Eventually (I hope soon) you will recognize that not only is it painful to recycle all the FOO feelings, but it's...boring.

It may sound weird to say that anger and fear are boring. I mean it in the sense that our true whole selves are creative and wise and strong and loving (of ourselves, too). So after you recycle FOO for a while...you can start wondering what else you might be doing with your precious life's energy and time if not that?

Anger and fear keep you adrenalized. It's hard to think clearly and hopefully about your life when adrenaline is squirting in your brain (or wherever it squirts). So maybe you could take some small actions to give yourself space and time to think calmly about next steps?

Sounds like that may need to be out of the house, where you feel lulled into a familiar heaviness that keeps you indolent about your own safety. Maybe walking in nature, sitting in an empty church, spending time with a large calm animal. Things like that can help you think. And people too...objective people outside the situation, could be supportive while you practice the small steps it will take.

Every step is a small step, in a way. When you break change down.

Hopalong

[lighter]

Curiouse you can see that you're comfortable in that dysfunction..... that's a very good insight into what you'll want to change for yourself.

There is a saying..... actually..... there are 2 sayings I want to share with you:

We are where we want to be.....

and....

When the pain of staying, is worse than the pain of going.... then we go.

What line does a roomate have to cross before you act on your own behalf?

You could choose to do something you wouldn't normally do.... and just pretend you're worthy..... until you feel it: )

[womanonamission]

See that's just it....unfortunately for me..I'm not at the point of seeing myself as important enough yet.     I never really have...I think that's part of the reason I ended up with my FOO till I was 27....I mean I have pretty much cut ties with them, from the dysfunctionality..but yet I still feel guilty about that too.  I'm very much of a people pleaser and I KNOW that's a behavior I definitely need to work on.

[lighter]

As uncomfortbale as it'll be for ya....  and there's just no gettin around it at first.... why not try pleasing yourself for a while?

Even though it feels wrong and uncomfortable.... you're already uncomfortable, right?

DO some research on alternative housing.

Count your money and assess what you have to work with.

Do you have a bunch of furniture you have to worry about?

Can you afford housing on your own?

DO you have friends who care about your best interests?

Are you talking to them?

Who's in your corner?

At some point.... you need to be: )

[womanonamission]

yes at this point i am becoming very uncomfortable in my current situation.  I definitely have some friends who are in my corner...and they keep trying to encourage me to get in my own corner too.  Yes, it would be VERY uncomfortable to actually look out for me for a change...and that's the frustrating part...i know I need to..and yet I don't do it.

[Iphi]

I feel for you so much WOAM.  I think I spent my whole 20's living the same way away from my FOO that I lived with my FOO.  I had housemates and found myself unable to negotiate with them and absolutely without any skills of confrontation whatsoever.   Same thing on my job. Same thing with some people I dated.  Ugh!

You have something I lacked -- you have the awareness that you have fallen into a Role and nothing more.  It sounds like, especially if your safety is at issue, it is time to find another place to live.  Remember, it feels like your FOO but it is not your FOO.  Tomorrow everybody could move out and no one would ever keep in touch or have any reason to.  You don't have to try to make it right and stay in the situation.  You can just go and figure out what you learned or want to learn from a convenient and safe distance.

I thought about moving out, back in the day, but I came over all weak feeling, which was actually all part of the FOO role (FOO myth: Iphi unable to survive on her own) and didn't.  Wish I had!

My situation was in no way dangerous, only frustrating and at times unfair.  I was able to be somewhat stronger as time went on but by no means did I master the lessons before me.  And I never did get my portion of the security deposit back.  Though I did enjoy asking the former housemate about it to give her a few deservedly uncomfortable moments.   

[womanonamission]

Wow...Iphi...you really do understand where I'm at.  That's exactly how I felt living with my FOO...and now in my current situation...WOAM...can't possibly surivive on her own...and unfortunately when i have been living on my own...I ended up fulfilling that prophecy.  It's all well and good that I have the awareness....BUT I know my emotional well being and my life (because of my lack of emotional well being) literally is really up to me to help myself...and yet here I stay.  I"m sorry for whining about that AGAIN...but I"m just really frustrated with myself for my lack of enough care about myself to truly do something for ME.