Triggers

[Ami]

I think that I know some of what happened today.WE ,all have triggers. That is what has been going on ,here,I think
 When I was bullied,I did not like it..However,it did not trigger me.
  It hit me about how I feel when I get triggered. What really triggers me is when I am vulnerable at  the doctor or dentists. 
  It hit me today that I go to a level inside where no one can comfort me . I am all alone with such deep pain that it goes beyond any words to describe it. I am  a little girl again ..I am hurting terribly and I am totally unsafe.   I would do most anything to avoid this raw vulnerability.
  I am back  to the time I was a little girl and  I was sick or vulnerable and my mother turned in to a monster.I was helpless. No matter how badly I felt-- no one would  come to help me. 
 I think that when a person has been scapegoated and bullied in their family, they react like I do at the dentist. I melt down in to a puddle of shame and pain. I feel paralyzed to help myself. I am drowning in every feeling that I tried to escape.
  I think   bullying that some people  could brush off, other's feel is a life or death situation b/c of their FOO.
  I think that I am seeing what is happening.,correctly. My heart goes out to the  people who were  triggered by the bullying on the board.  I think that if we look at our "lower level" behavior as triggering others ,it might help us walk more on the high road.  We all have different triggers.
  All of a sudden,it hit me about the dentist  and then I think that I understood what happened with the bullying issue. I want all our "family members" on  the board to feel  safe. God knows that we all are triggered by different things and it feels HORRIBLE.
  This perspective helped me to have empathy for someone who is simply triggered by a different thing than I am.However, the awful feelings are the same and we have ALL had them .I hope that this  makes sense.                 Love  Ami

[gratitude28]

It does make sense, Ami.
My triggers are not this.... although I felt punched in the gut when I read the letter. I have people who trigger me and I wish I could put a finger on what it is that sets me off. I am trying to analyze it so I can get a grasp on it and not let it set me off. There was a woman like that this week - one of the moms on my daughter's soccer team. I was so upset. And I did not stand up to her. I think I will need to soon. But I want to do it calmly and dispassionately. The truth is, people like her scare me. And I am always tempted to turn tail and run. My new life has to include feeling secure, though, and not letting that type of person cause me anxiety.
Thanks for a good topic.
Love, beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
  All of a sudden,I just understood what happened today with the bullying thing.I think. I have such an empathy for someone who is being triggered b/c I "felt" what it was like b/c I saw a picture of myself at the dentist. My heart just broke for the people who feel that way about "bullying".
  I was trying to understand with the "head"
  I could not do it until it dropped in to my heart-.                                         Ami

[Ami]

i am only commenting on the A-hole thing. I thought that TT was talking about the person who wrote the Pm to Beth. I feel pretty sure about this. I could never see TT calling you or ANYONE here  an Ass. i could not fathom it. That is how I saw that.
  I could not see Beth giggling about you being called an Ass ,either. These two are not bullies---in my opinion.They have been through too much in life and have too much sensitivity to others to do anything like that(IME)
   We need to ask them. If it is true--I will be very,very shocked .Reserve judgment  on that one,please Authentic
   

[changing]

Dear Authentic-

I am sorry that you are hurting about this. I reread the thread, and they were definitely talking about the vile message that Gratitude received from someone other than you, saying that it came from a person who apparently advocated for a moderator in order to keep the board safe, etc, and yet somehow their very post lacked basic human decency, and that this was ironic in itself (which makes sense). I don't think that anyone faults you for having your opinions, and I hope that you understand that there was a reaction to the personal characterizations in the PM- they were not merely criticisms or playful jabs but outright character assasinations, almost actionable in nature as opposed to "Changing, get off your high horse", or "Changing, that's ridiculous".

Hope that explains things, and I am sorry that you feel hurt. We do care.

Love,

Changing

[Overcomer]

Authentic-I am going to say this with a little hesitation-you seem to be very angry today.  I mean over the top anger.  I saw that interchange as Am saw it.  I think you are seeing attacks that are not there.  However I have had things pass me by on several occasions and did not pick up on the sarcasm.  I just want you to know that I value you and your opinions and it is not ok to be mean to you or anyone else.

[Ami]

i am really heartsick that Authentic took LEGITIMATE  bullying and then  had a big trigger. I really and truly am angry at the people who originally bullied her b/c they bullied me,too. However, I did not have the type of life that she did,so I could get over it. Lighter you were so unnecessarily mean to her with your little snipes. I am powerless to help. You shall reap what you sow is all I can say.
  It is just pitiful
  She just did not have the type of strength when it came to being sniped that many people DO have. Lighter--you should apologize and maybe everyone can go on.
   I know what it feels like for me at the dentist. That is what bullying feels like to her. If your F molested you when everyone knew and did nothing--- I guess you might have a few triggers --too.

[Bella_French]

Dear Besee,
I found your post very insightful; thankyou for writing it. I agree with your opinion and I have had similar thoughts myself.

X Bella

 

[G101]

I wanted to rewrite my post to Ami.

Ami I would prefer the word "tolerance" rather than strength.

If my leg was broken and when I stood on it I could not bare the weight of my body and winced, so that soon I needed to sit down -- you would not call me weak.

You would understand that my leg is injured, that it needs time to heal.

I have an injury.

I need help w/ my injury.

I need people who are willing to listen and to try and understand me, but most of all to accept me for who I am.

Through talking we might have learned that our triggers were conflicting.

We all have them.  My injury is my "leg" yours might be your arm -- not the same place, but it hurts badly enough and was cause in such a similiar way we can talk about it with each other, share and learn.

But you can't hold open a door, and I can't stand for too long -- that does not make either one of us weak.



Mud said, jokingly that what conflicts show him is that the same people get into conflicts.

I get into the SAME conflicts.

Trying to get people who will not and cannot listen to me and understand me to listen and understand.

It was a mistake to come back here.

[Ami]

Dear Friend,
  Where I disagree with you is that it was a MISTAKE to come back here. If you don't get RID  of your triggers, you will go through this again and again. It is that way for ALL of us.
  I think that part of being voiceless is that we have triggers. We have triggers b/c triggers are unhealed pain(deep) inside of us. I think that EVERYONE on this board has triggers.
  When my H fell and I did not know what was wrong,I was huddled on the floor, shaking. I could not help it.
  I have to heal those deep feelings that make me melt down in those situations. I am trying to do that on the board. If not here, where else can you heal those triggers.? If you don't, they WILL continue to replay. There is NO running from them. Where you(or anyone) goes-- you follow.
That is the sad part. Nothing will make you better except coming back and FACING the deep issues.
 It was not  the "outside" that is the  "original " problem.It  was all those years of memories of rape,pain, scapegoating, rejection, disdain,annihilation of your soul etc.Maybe the bullies will never own up to it. That is secondary to your healing. You can give and offer so much to others when you are healed. God can use you in a unique way if you let HIM heal you-- using your friends on the board.
 God can heal . Give the board a chance  . There is no place that  is safe --on this earth-- Dear friend. I Love  You                     Ami

[G101]

Ami, thank you for you kind response.

Here is the message I want to leave this place w/ when you say to me:

Where I disagree w/ you is

[/size]

this is what is the problem.

I don't need to hear where you disagree w/ me.  In order for me to heal, I need you to hear me.

I need you to understand.

I need you to validate me.

This is the deep wounding that was triggered.

The laughter, the snickers, the jokers, the side conversations, the accusations -- while I was being molested this is what  was done to me.

When I got hit with knives, shoes, etc. I was told to ignore it.

They would show me their scars and say See, look at this -- it is much worse than yours

They would ask, Do you think that I didn't get hit too?

I don't want to compare my pain to anyone and try to have it measured up.

They would ask me to pretend that it didn't bother me.

I don't want to pretend that it doesn't bother me.

It bothers me.  I want to talk about it and be safe while I'm talking about it.

I don't want to be attacked and ridiculed or worst yet have my pain minimized or ignored.

If I say my leg hurts I want to hear Really, where, how, can you tell us what we can do to help?

Look at how quickly the board is going back to it's original flow -- this is the normal for everyone else, I guess.

But not for me.

The people who jumped up from the dinner table and said, I can't take this, I'm leaving!!!  as a way to stop the conflict that caused them so much anxiety are back, quick flash -- no resolution, no discussion.

Is it that they just don't want to deal with the pain?

I want to deal with it.  I want to face it.  I want to really heal.

It is I who is  not safe here.

[reallyME]

G The people who jumped up from the dinner table and said, I can't take this, I'm leaving!!!  as a way to stop the conflict that caused them so much anxiety are back, quick flash -- no resolution, no discussion.

I consider myself one of the people who jumped up from the table and started to leave, so I have this to say.

There was discussion about my situation...maybe not on the boards, but both parties involved, have spoken privately to Dr Grossman about our sides of the story.  i do not necessarily agree with everything he said, but he did make some points I'm praying about and considering. 

As far as resolution...since Jodi didn't care to reconcile, I was left to decide to let her go on her way.  Was that my preference? Not necessarily, but it would take a LOT of things to ever have anything work out between us anyway...psychologically and spiritually, etc.  I chose to bless her and send her on her way with my loving hopes and prayers for her. 

As she used to tell me all the time, "It is what it is" and, sincerely, in this case, IT is.

~Laura

[gratitude28]

RM,
I think it is so great that you can listen... even when what you are hearing might not be what you wanted to hear. You have become such a calm and helpful person here.
R/Beth

[Ami]

Dear Authentic,
  I will try to "hear "you ,now. I will try to repeat back to you what you are saying .Are you  saying that you want to be heard.? Are you saying that you are not asking for agreement or disagreement --just to be listened to.
  I will try to tell you what I hear. Tell me if I am right?
  In your family, you were molested by your F  since you were very little .All the family pain, shame and guilt went on you. You were the bad one and everyone put you in the 'bad' box so they could go on with their lives in the "good"( or at least no talking ) box.
  While you were being abused, they all were "part of the abuse"  b/c they are knew and did NOTHING. Now, you are still the one that they want to push back in the box b/c you told the truth
  On the board you got  bullied.That is a fact that I agree with and went through ,also
   The bullies did not own it. ALSO, the watchers did not tell the truth about what was happening. Instead, everyone told you,"Just ignore it."
 So, in essence,you were being molested and being told,"We don't care. Deal with it."
 The bullies never paid or owned up. You, the victim was supposed to  just "ignore" while everyone else( the by-standers) ignored also This is what your family did. They ignored the truth. The bullies(parents) got away with it. AND (I forgot this) everyone blamed you for starting the trouble in the first place by BRINGING it up.
   Did I say the truth that you have been trying to say ,but we all had our own opinions and were not listening  ?                                                Love   Ami