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Mother's Day Messages
Anonymous:
What would happen if you confronted your mother on your feelings? Does she have any idea or do you just know that it would be useless to even try? Just curious on that one.
Hi Michelle, thank you for being so supportive and encouraging...
You got me thinking...
Does she have any idea? I really don't know what she thinks... She either blows things out of proportion or she thinks everthing is peachy. I
I guess right now I am far enough away physically that I can tolerate her behavior. It doesn't make me too crazy... I guess I have more immediate crazy makers to worry about. But should we ever live in the same town some more serious boundaries might have to be set.
I also don't think confronting the behavior would do anythig but hurt her feelings and bring on more guilt trips. It would not stop the invasion of my space. When I am around her, and I do set boundaries, I just keep repeating myself "I have a right to say 'no'. I am not a terrible daughter."
I guess it's choosing the lesser of the two evils. I can either just try to ignore it (because the distance keeps it from being too invasive)
Or I can hurt her feelings... The feelings of guilt overwhelm me. So, because I have too much on my plate right now, I opt out of facing her on this directly. I may get there some day... but, I am not strong enough for it right now.
Thanks for the thoughts! sjkravill
Michelle:
sjkravill -
After I reread my question, I hope I wasn't being invasive. I also wanted to clarify that I was not implying that you need to confront her on this issue....Just wanted to make that clear. :wink:
--- Quote ---I guess it's choosing the lesser of the two evils. I can either just try to ignore it (because the distance keeps it from being too invasive)
Or I can hurt her feelings... The feelings of guilt overwhelm me. So, because I have too much on my plate right now, I opt out of facing her on this directly. I may get there some day... but, I am not strong enough for it right now.
--- End quote ---
I feel the same way. Right now, my mother is incapable of "hearing" me. Everything I have tried to say in the past has been turned around on me somehow. Strange, but true.
Thanks for the insight. I am always curious about how people have handled that situation....mostly b/c I haven't been able to do anything about my situation but ignore it and set major boundaries.
Thanks again,
Michelle
Singer:
--- Quote from: Michelle ---I'm curious....how does she react when you have to withdraw? Does she even notice a difference? How was the time between Feb - April for you when you didn't have any contact?
Thanks again for replying. I am keeping you in my thoughts for strength and acceptance.....these are tough times for all of us!
Michelle
--- End quote ---
Hi Michelle,
Sorry to take so long to reply; work suddenly got quite busy and I've had to regroup.
The withdrawl period I mentioned from Feb to April came about because my mother and I had an argument and she had hung up on me. Usually I call again in a week or two, or even a day or two, but this time I didn't. She called me once during that period, but her mode of operation is to pretend nothing had happened and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pretend. I finally called her at my sister's request, but I'm thinking it was a mistake on my part.
I feel like I need the time to get some important things in my life sorted out, but because she is elderly I have a hard time justifying that.
It seems like I've based my actions in the past on a lie. Trying to please when there was never any chance of approval. I have to THINK instead of just going through the same old motions and that's hard for me. I don't usually act, I react, and it's not going to work anymore. As if it ever did.
:(
Mostly I'd just like to find out what happened and that's where everyone's stories and experiences are so helpful. Keep talking, people!!
Thanks,
Singer
Michelle:
Hi Singer!
Please don't apologize for being busy at work. That is the beauty of this board...we come and go as we please. There are no "expectations". My counselor defined expectation as "planned disappointment" - so true. :wink:
--- Quote ---She called me once during that period, but her mode of operation is to pretend nothing had happened and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pretend.
--- End quote ---
Does anyone know why N's characteristacally do that? Pretend like nothing happened? It drives me crazy. Is it just a lack of reality?
--- Quote ---I feel like I need the time to get some important things in my life sorted out, but because she is elderly I have a hard time justifying that.
--- End quote ---
I can understand how the elderly thing gives you lots of guilt, but I hope you can continue to try to put yourself first. Even if she were younger, but sick - there are ALWAYS, ALWAYS excuses. My mom's is "you have the only grandkids in the family". It makes me feel so guilty, but for a minute - then it's over. I have to preserve my sanity and that means not having her in my life, right now.
--- Quote ---I don't usually act, I react, and it's not going to work anymore. As if it ever did.
:(
--- End quote ---
Wow, lightbulb for me. I need to stop "reacting" too. I guess they love that.
Thanks for your viewpoints.
Keep stopping by when YOU want to,
Michelle
Singer:
--- Quote from: Michelle ---She called me once during that period, but her mode of operation is to pretend nothing had happened and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to pretend.
Does anyone know why N's characteristacally do that? Pretend like nothing happened? It drives me crazy. Is it just a lack of reality?
--- End quote ---
Michelle,
Had to think about that one for awhile. I know my sister welcomes the calm after one of our mother's storms; she's told me so. I think my brother feels the same. They're both just relieved that the rage is over and things will approximate normal...until next time.
But I don't think it's a lack of reality, it's because once the N has vented her anger, the reality changes and if I, uncooperatively, persist in trying to get to the heart of what caused the rage in the first place, then I am the difficult one. It's over when she says it's over. End of story.
--- Quote ---I can understand how the elderly thing gives you lots of guilt, but I hope you can continue to try to put yourself first. Even if she were younger, but sick - there are ALWAYS, ALWAYS excuses.
--- End quote ---
You are SO right that there are ALWAYS reasons why the N comes first. That's the nature of the beast, so to speak. I remember her dress when I was married. I loved her dress. It was red velvet and cost six times the price of my cheap acetate dress. I'm not even sure acetate is considered a fabric anymore, or even if it ever was. Isn't it an ingredient in nail polish? But, the point was, I was too young to be taken seriously, so why bother, and besides she could wear her dress again.
When I was pregnant she was going through menopause which was far more difficult and significant. When I was going through a bitter divorce, well that was my own fault. Who could stand to live with me?
--- Quote ---My mom's is "you have the only grandkids in the family". It makes me feel so guilty, but for a minute - then it's over. I have to preserve my sanity and that means not having her in my life, right now.
--- End quote ---
You're way ahead of me. It's taken me a very long time to realize that preserving my sanity was even an option. And frankly, I'm not sure that it is still an option. :)
Singer
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