Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Fell into a trap from the WORD TWISTER

<< < (3/3)

rosencrantz:
I think, CC, that if you actually 'tell' her, then you'll find yourself being wound up and shot down in flames - every time!!  Is it worth getting a  battering?  Is there another way?

Remember :  
--- Quote ---Hearing your viewpoint and giving it weight makes her feel demolished
--- End quote ---
And she can't afford to feel 'demolished' so she will rage or manipulate or capsize in some way to prevent you becoming 'you'.

As far as I am able to understand it, they just never will be able to acknowledge us, our feelings, our thoughts, our 'space' in the world as separate sentient beings.

The last time I spoke to my mother (just before I discovered the answers which lay in the concept of NPD), I really wanted her 'just' to acknowlege that I'd actually had a responsibility to myself (and to her!) to take a couple of days off (ie not be in telephone contact with her) in order to get back to 'coping' with things.  That's 'all'.  (The fact that she had manipulated the world and his dog in order to force me to phone and it hadn't worked was just by the by...)

She was able to say that, of course, she understood (because she's a reasonable and caring person) ... and then in the middle of her sentence she went into what I'd now call a narcissistic rage...without pause, suddenly, there's a change of tone and the words 'I'd treat a dog better than the way you treat me' - said in this 'voice' which I find absolutely terrifying (in a 'rabbit caught in the headlights' kind of way) and which I just can't find words to describe. And then she was 'off'.  Plunged into some kind of crazy whirlpool of accusation and hysteria.  

I should perhaps add that I'd spent a total of three hours on the phone that day and in retrospect, believe that she'd manipulated me the whole day long, from 10am until 9pm - like a fish on the end of a line, reel it in and let it out, until it's worn out so you can reel it in and land it.  (So there's the added shock that my  mother needed so much to punish me that she'd put that much effort into it!!)

But I realised at the end of that day that nothing I could say or do would ever reach her. If I held up a mirror to reflect back to her the reality, it damaged her; if I held up my own truth, she belittled it; if I attempted to reach her with love, she tried to destroy it.  What else is left??????  

This is who I am, this is how I live in the world, these are the ways I have found to communicate with 'the other' in the world.  Am I so innately destructive that just 'being' damages another human being??  I think I am not but it appears that, in relation to her, it is so.  And, on the other hand, if I get in the way of all that she does in terms of blindly belittling and destroying, then I'm setting my 'self' up for destruction.

Sigh!  I don't know where I'm getting to here - just - again - that we don't 'exist' for someone like this.  We get in the way of their damaging effect just by 'being there'.  And if we actually get them to focus on us by seeking THEIR attention, then we get the full force of it.  

You can never say 'look at me' to a narcissist and expect to escape intact.  But that 'knowledge' is what sets us free...

This is where I'm getting to : the concept of NPD doesn't just put a label on something, it gives us the key - we just (were it that easy!) have to find the door, stick the key in the lock - and open it!

They won't change - which means that we have to grieve for the parent who never was and give up trying to get their permission to live, to be, to have given enough, to have a mind of our own, to have priorities of our own, to be forgiven, and just to have a peaceful life.  Stop fighting them for it - just take it, it's ours to have and keep!!!  It's ALREADY ours!

One thing, tho - my mother constantly tries to manipulate me by referring to my father.  But SHE doesn't know what I know - that he expressed his love for me and made me know that there was nothing to forgive.  It's the one area of my life (surprisingly) where I have no buttons.  Fancy there being someone in this world who didn't need me to feel guilt or shame!  

So maybe the key is to find every button you possess and find a way of zapping it.  When you don't feel guilt, shame, pain or anxiety about anything, and you can love yourself completely and irrevocably, THEN you can have a relationship with your mother.  In the context of what our nParents have done to us in the course of our lifetime, they'll be a long time waiting.  :wink:

Anonymous:
just got in from out of town this weekend and read your post, rosen.  Indeed, more words of wisdom.  I agree, to verbalize to the mothers "I don't need your approval" is probably not wise.  However, for the time being, it helps me try to convince myself until I actually believe it!!  I might add, that every time I say it, she says nothing, although it is probably not very kind because it essentially says "I don't need you anymore so butt out".  I guess it is also a futile attempt of thinking that if I say I don't need her approval she will stop saying things that push my buttons.  Not an effective plan, but again, a temporary insanity prevention on my part.

I related to your story about arguing with your mom on the phone for three hours and then allowing it to interfere with the rest of your day (unwittingly or not) just after your realization.  

We can distract ourselves with all sorts of activities, and the lingering effects of the manipulations remain with us regardless.  This is when I particularly notice physical symptoms.  Often it takes the form of a tightness in the upper shoulders and neck, as if mom is "pinching" you with her claws.  Have you experienced that?

Your description of how she manipulated everyone to get you on the phone that day was so interesting.  She couldn't stand to see you distance yourself, and felt out of control.  It was uncomfortable for her, so she squirmed and scrambled to get the control back, and found a way so she could feel "normal" again.  Its like watching an addict try to get their fix..
just like when my mom called back after our argument to say "see, someone else said I was right".

CC:
It's me CC above, I forgot to log in sorry!!

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page