Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Fell into a trap from the WORD TWISTER

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Neko:
Hehe - you know, something similar to that very exchange is why my husband refuses to answer the phone after a certain time of day - because that's when my parents wake up on their side of the globe :lol:

It was nice to hear this story, because one of my survival tactics from childhood was to fight back, say what I thought - but this tactic is a stumbling block once you no longer live with your parents! Whenever I fall into the habit of arguing my position, I always feel drained, then annoyed with myself because I got "hooked" again. It's never gotten me anywhere as an adult.

Ignore and do what you would anyway - excellent advice in that other thread. I'll go carve that into a stone tablet and lug it around with me everywhere so I never forget :D

rosencrantz:
I saw myself in you CC - I was giving myself the advice I gave you!!  (No slap in the face - my hands were too busy hauling you out of that  hole as I perceived it!  I saw no hysteria!).  Your mother sounds like a clone of mine!!

Well, I took my own advice, and answered all the criticisms and implied criticisms in my mother's note with as much truth and fact as I could find.  I didn't push back, I didn't imply a request for appreciation, I didn't 'punish' back, I didn't say 'no' - but I did 'tell the truth' and was as accurate as I could be.  I felt serene afterwards.  No buttons jangling.  My boat was still in calm waters. A semi-miracle! A 'normal' interaction.  Not perfect, but a big step forward.  I'm now sitting in a stupefied limbo!

My reward is sufficient calm that I'm a step closer to getting back to a normal life again.  A further step away from parasitic symbiosis.
R

CC:
I can imagine the anxiety you initially felt opening that letter, I've experienced it many times. Like you said, all the buttons are jangling. What will it say?  Am I in trouble? (yes, even as a grown woman I have felt this) What have I done wrong now?  The trembling, the panic, the tightness in the throat.  

Very proud of your confidence in how you addressed that, rosencrantz.  "one giant step for mankind" !!!! You are working so hard. It is so rewarding, when we are strong, and we head them off at the pass.  Yet it is so difficult, because it goes against all behavior that we have learned (reacted) for so many years.  I guess it gets easier the more we practice it. I was doing so well for a while, until this last incident.  

Don't be afraid to share details if you feel they are pertinent, we can all benefit from specific examples and learn from healthy behaviors that are effective for others.  Do tell! If not this last letter, in the future.  Always interested to see the parallels in specific behaviors..

Oops time for therapy. More later..

rosencrantz:
Yeah - one little nugget

"Why don't you... like a proper (daughter) would.  I'm sure your father wouldn't approve (of what you're doing to me)"

My father died earlier this year so that was a gem of twisted button pressing.  

I just said what I thought Dad would approve of without disputing her own version of what he might not approve of.  On reflection although it was good, it wasn't perfect (ooops - I'm not supposed to be setting myself up against the concept of perfection any more, am I!)

This afternoon I've been reading 'Trapped in the Mirror' - There's a chapter towards the end of the book about how to handle these narcissistic parents - it's really good.  I wasn't ready for it before but now it's speaking volumes to me.   I'd summarise it here but I realise I've got yellow highlighter two or three times on every page!!!

Here are a couple of quotes...

"Children of narcissists are confused about what is fair to self and parent.  They need to develop such judgement...The narcissistic parent is needy, which makes his child feel guilty for witholding.  But the child should not surrender to pressure that he go beyond his means and reason."

"Like all grownups, the parent must fix himself.  Narcissism is a sickness and a weakness...you...can bypass rage to feel compassion and regret.  But his problems require expert help."

"Hearing your viewpoint and giving it weight makes her feel demolished.  This is the narcissistic illness.  And why she must be lonely"

And also why my grief overwhelms me.  It is too late.  I cannot 'be me' AND save her.  It's one or the other.  Torn as I am, my husband and son dictate the only truly honourable choice.  I will save me.  :cry:
R

CC:

--- Quote ---And also why my grief overwhelms me. It is too late. I cannot 'be me' AND save her. It's one or the other. Torn as I am, my husband and son dictate the only truly honourable choice. I will save me.  

--- End quote ---


Oh, R, so moved to tears by your words.  I feel like you have expressed the very grief that I am feeling.  What a bitter pill to swallow, and I am really coming to the same realization just now.  Thank you for sharing your pain.  

In my therapy session this morning, we just discussed my need to let go of my need for her approval, and that it is especially difficult when I see my mother regularly.  I thought I had, but I am still in the clutches of that neediness.   I don't know how to shake it.  I can intellectualize the concept, but actual feeling that I don't need it is uncontrollable, and sometimes my actions (like this trap I fell into) show it.

I've been getting better at saying things to her like, "I know YOU don't like it, but I do and don't need you to approve" and following through, so maybe through these actions I will eventually really feel that way.  I've heard that tactic works with a lot of things.  If you practice it enough, you will begin to believe it.  I hope it works.

I probably should check into that book.

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