The Female Narcissist

[Certain Hope]

This is too good to excerpt. Posting in its entirety here.


http://drirene.com/female_nar.htm

Abusive behavior in men or women can be a function of many underlying issues. Personality disorders or their milder counterparts (i.e., "traits" or "features") are one underlying etiology.  This article tries to help the reader understand the mindset of the female with NPD or with narcissistic features.

Like her narcissistic male counterpart, this lady harbors deeply held and undisputed irrational underlying beliefs that affect her feelings and behavior. Most of these beliefs are never questioned and are only dimly realized, if they are realized at all. While we all harbor irrational beliefs, those with personality disorders harbor belief systems that are deeply embedded and intertwined.

A Real Charmer

Dana is an extremely pretty 23-year old young lady. A delight on the surface, she has an uncanny knack of presenting herself extremely well to the target audience she wants to impress. She has a corresponding almost magical ability to make people feel verrrry good. She can WOW you! You'll be gushing (or panting if you're a guy), and there just isn't anything you wouldn't do to please her.  She will continue to reward your good behavior as long as she needs you. After all, it is very hard work to be "on" so much of the time.

If she's accomplished her mission and you are no longer useful, she spends less and less energy being perfectly charming and engaging. In most cases Dana has no real desire to be disrespectful, but as she "relaxes," becoming more "herself," she becomes quiet or mildly disrespectful. 

A Typical Narcissist

The problem is that the only person Dana cares about is Dana. You are no more than the object who provides her with whatever it is she wants and needs: love, admiration, money, encouragement, support, etc. While she pretends to care, and indeed wants to care, the reality is that she doesn't care. Her world starts and stops with herself. She hides that fact pretty well from most people; especially those who are consistently meaningful to her (i.e., parents, husband, siblings, boss, etc.). Most of these individuals would be shocked to hear this, and in fact would think you're crazy!

Dana is typical as pretty female narcissists go. She relies on her beauty and her charm. She feels good about herself as long as she "has it over" anybody she considers "the competition."

Few Real Friends

Parents are parents and too often love unconditionally, but friends and acquaintances don't. As a result, while new people Dana meets like her, the more they got to know her, the less interested they are in her company. Except, of course, for the young men, most of whom vie for her attention.

Other than a childhood best friend with virtually non-existent self esteem, there are no friends. There are acquaintances and those who share her environment as well as the many men who surrounded her - all of whom she refers to as "friends," but there really are no friends.

She explains this deficit by rationalizing that her peers disappoint her in one way or another. This one uses drugs, that one you can't trust, the other one is jealous of her, etc. There is virtually no recognition that the reason people who are not related to her or have no sexual interest in her do not like her given how she treats them!

I'm The Best!

Dana is not content unless she feels she has it over her peers, especially female peers.  She believes she has the prettiest face, the nicest hair, and the best figure - which she flaunts with her form-fitting, sexy, and hip wardrobe. She is always well-dressed, even when lounging around. "Studied cool" describes her style. While giving the impression of having thrown together any old top and pair of jeans, the trained eye can discern the hours and hours spent trying the outfits on, making up to appear not made up, etc.

Every asset she has, she flaunts. One weekend, invited to spend a weekend with some new friends at their family's home in a poor section of a neighboring town, she found reason to make a 30-mile detour to her parents' upscale, gorgeous home - to show it off - as though announcing her supremacy. Of course, she would never admit that's why she came home. Her reasons are always framed in wording that casts her in a positive light such as "It's my dad's birthday, or, "I have to pick up something important I forgot." Never an honest reason like, "I wanted to show off the house to intimidate them." 

Jealousy

Jealousy is a huge issue. Her own envy is as cut off from her consciousness as Wisconsin is cut off from the Atlantic Ocean. While she has no clue regarding her pervasive jealousy, it is sadly evident to the sensitive observer.

One year Dana didn't get her cousin a Birthday present. While Stephanie routinely bought Dana beautiful and expensive gifts, Dana couldn't say why she didn't get Stephanie anything. When pressed, annoyed, she provided a series of senseless answers.  "I made a deal with my friends that we were not to exchange gifts." "Did you made that arrangement with Stephanie?" "No, but I'm not getting any gifts. We're going to lunch. I'll pay." Not only did she not end up paying,  Stephanie paid for both Dana as well as for Dana's boyfriend!

The "problem" was that Stephanie, her peer, had gotten her life together. Also beautiful, she found her calling and was pursing an advanced degree with straight As - a feat Dana couldn't hope to accomplish. She also had a rich boyfriend who adored her. You get the picture. When asked point-blank if she was jealous of Stephanie, Dana replied too quickly and with an affected laugh, "Jealous of Stephanie? WHAT is there to be jealous about?" 

The Price She Pays

Part of the price Dana pays to manipulate others is the exhaustion required to be "on" much of the time. When caught with her vigilant guard down, she is not nice: often impatient, short, arrogant and condescending, reflecting her near chronic bad mood. Shopkeepers, boyfriends who try too hard and all the not-too-important people in her life who will put up with it are the unwitting victims. This is subtle. For example, one day she walked into her compulsively clean mother's house and saw a leaf on the sparkling floor by her feet. Instead of picking it up, she asked, "What's that?" Her mother, almost on cue, dropped what she was doing to pick up the leaf by her daughter's feet.

The Devil in Disguise

The apparent angel is the devil in disguise.

A compulsive liar who needs to mislead to maintain her unblemished facade, Dana is not a mean or cruel person. This young woman really wants to do the right thing. While she derives a measure of immediate satisfaction from her cruelty, when forced to face her behavior, she is not happy she mistreats others. After all, a misbehavior is not in keeping with her perfect image of herself! When reality occasionally hits her and she is  confronted with her condescending acts,  she becomes upset with herself, often in tears. For a short time. Soon all is forgotten. Time heals or she takes solace in blaming others. When she presents her selectively-presented view, it sounds compelling. Until one realizes nothing ever seems to be her issue. Someone or something else is to blame - or the entire topic is dropped. No matter how much she has vowed to correct these behaviors, she does not. She cannot because she will not.

Why, Why, Why?

She cannot because she chooses not to face the truth about herself. She cannot face that her nature is in fact dark and very imperfect. She cannot face that she is no more special, no more unique, no more perfect than anybody else. Unthinkable! What can she possibly fall back on if she were to simply enjoy her many assets as well as accept and work around the impact of her many deficits?

She believes special rules apply to her, and she is not willing to give these up without a struggle. She's secretly glad others haven't figured out how to be as special as she is. Giving up her specialness in unthinkable. It does not feel good.

How, How, How?

Keep in mind that narcissism is a lifelong pattern developing from  childhood and believed to have a biological basis. If deception and pretense have provided a lifetime of comforts and esteem supplies, why mess things up? Isn't it more satisfying to concern herself with gratification in the moment? Why work when you can instead do just enough to get by? Better to spend that energy cultivating one's external assets and targets. These yield immediate rewards.

After all, the only thing she compromises is herSelf, her integrity, her relationships. All the things she has never known or understood, but thinks she knows well.

Trustworthiness

With all these issues, the narcisstic woman (or man for that matter) cannot be trusted. They are not trustworthy - unless they are expending energy pretending to be trustworthy. So, at best, their trustworthyness is inconsistent. Like the male abuser, her moods are unpredictable. When frustrated, the energy demands of being "on" are too great. Her frustration slips away from her - and spills onto anybody unfortunate enough to be in the way.

In a Nutshell

To feel whole, a woman like Dana needs to be the center of attention, be the prettiest, the most fortunate, the most talented, the bestest. She cultivates others who will be manipulated by her to admire her, adore her, inflate her, love her, and overlook her pretense, lies and half-truths.

If she is questioned, she distances. This simple yet effective technique invariable affects the codependents in her life. On cue, they lay low and let the issue drop or chase her, thinking they must have done something wrong/ worrying that she won't want to be with them.  Should an admirer truly believe in her specialness and try too hard to win her, they are treated with contempt instead of charity. These people represent that which she despises: only the weak and common permit themselves to be demeaned.

The bottom line is that this very beautiful, very charming (and extremely manipulative) young woman has absolutely no concern for others apart from those who are in a position to provide her with narcissistic supplies.

Does anybody know a Dana? Even worse, have any men out there fallen in love with a Diana? (May God help you...)

[changing]

CH-

Another perfect post. The type of person described here ruled the roost in middle school, but has a hard time as they get out into the world on their own. I know some- I must admit that I do cater a bit to their irrationality because they positively freak without that. As they inevitably age and face their own waning looks, etc or face the truth about their limits, I have seen some transformations for the good, and some escalations into a freakish inner world. Tragic and tiresome.

Thank you,

Changing

[reallyME]

I read this story a while back when things were confusing in my life with people.  Unfortunately, the "Dana's" in life, because it's ingrained in them and feels "normal" to them to behave this way (despite the fact that they suffer from deep depressions a lot too and can't figure out why), are not able to see the behaviors in themselves, though they can see them in others and have disdain about it.

Two N's do not generally like each other very much.  It's like they are disgusted that anyone could be so cruel and selfish, yet they don't realize that they also act that way.  I know that my daughter who is very self-centered, can't STAND self-centered people and says she'd like to smack em.

DANA is a very accurate description of women with these tendencies.  Dr Phil is a place you can see women n's often as well.  They are the ones whom as teens you may have heard referred to as "snobs, stuck up, preps, selfish, conceited, B's"  N women are found in so many places and so many types of situations.  Usually though, they try to get really close to the leaders, presidents, foremen of companies, so they can dominate over the others who are "peons" in the situaton.

It is beneath an N to have to be considered one of the "little people"

my two cents worth
~L

[changing]

Sometimes the lady Ns just try to be the Queen Bee of whatever tiresome millieu they inhabit. If they are not acknowledged, they start a ruckus at church or the sewing factory, janitor's convention, nail salon, nursing home or apartment building. Or wherever. I have learned to run run run (have you ever seen people hide from Hyacinth  in the show Keeping Up Appearances).

Love,

Changing

[reallyME]

changing,

for me, it was not the RUCKUS that bugged me...but it is the silent treatment, withdrawl of attention and emotion.  That can really feel odd when you could have sworn you were in the room with a person just a moment ago, but suddenly you feel like you sort of disappeared.  some people are masters at just totally being in a room yet NOT.  freaky isn't it

[changing]

ReallyMe-

NH Bagworm did that- I love it now that his silent treatment has become real silence (it's Golden)!!!!

Love,

Changing

[Bella_French]

I can identify with quite a few of Dana's traits, sadly.  I think the fact is, a lot of my somatic N mother's social type of traits have rubbed off on me....like the `charm', and the effort I used to put into my appearance (for the purpose of feeling  socially powerful)

I can say though, that where i differ from the `dana' persona is that I have never hurt someone who loved me, i don't use people, I've never `played' with anyone's feelings, and I am not cruel.

I think I'm mostly ok with having some N'ish traits, but they have been difficult to admit to or embrace. I can live with them, so long as they do not harm others.

Thanks for the post!

X bella

[reallyME]

Bella,

There ARE certain parts of past experiences with authorities, that do stay with us.

I know that, based on past relationships, I learned to always wear matching clothes, only wear certain colors with other ones, make sure my hair looks decent, etc...even though these things were taught to me in very distorted and confusing ways, I still find myself being very careful about my hygeiene and appearance to this day.

I believe it did actually help me feel better about who I am and, even momma has been further working with me on such things.

~RM

[Bella_French]

I can relate reallyme, I see some of my `inherited ' behaviors as useful too.

X bella

[reallyME]

While we all harbor irrational beliefs, those with personality disorders harbor belief systems that are deeply embedded and intertwined.

~true

A Real Charmer

Dana is an extremely pretty 23-year old young lady. A delight on the surface, she has an uncanny knack of presenting herself extremely well to the target audience she wants to impress. She has a corresponding almost magical ability to make people feel verrrry good.

with some this was true, but I've also met some that I didn't feel very good around even initially.


 

She can WOW you! You'll be gushing (or panting if you're a guy), and there just isn't anything you wouldn't do to please her.  She will continue to reward your good behavior as long as she needs you. After all, it is very hard work to be "on" so much of the time.

yes.  They do use the reward/punishment stuff.  it's a good means of control.

quote]
If she's accomplished her mission and you are no longer useful, she spends less and less energy being perfectly charming and engaging. In most cases Dana has no real desire to be disrespectful, but as she "relaxes," becoming more "herself," she becomes quiet or mildly disrespectful.  [/quote]

This is true.  Once she has 'contributed" to your life, usually it's time to pull away and/or find the next person.

A Typical Narcissist

The problem is that the only person Dana cares about is Dana. You are no more than the object who provides her with whatever it is she wants and needs: love, admiration, money, encouragement, support, etc

.

Very common to feel objectified, yes.

While she pretends to care, and indeed wants to care, the reality is that she doesn't care. Her world starts and stops with herself. She hides that fact pretty well from most people; especially those who are consistently meaningful to her (i.e., parents, husband, siblings, boss, etc.). Most of these individuals would be shocked to hear this, and in fact would think you're crazy!

Yes because they only show certain sides of themselves to certain people.  I know people didn't believe me when I told them that my daughter, when she was 2 1/2, if I scolded her, would turn and beat on her sister.  That was very early evidence of projection in her, in my view.  To this day, if she gets a bad grade in school, her response is usually "that teacher is a real butthead.  She was out to get me from the beginning of the year!"

Dana is typical as pretty female narcissists go. She relies on her beauty and her charm. She feels good about herself as long as she "has it over" anybody she considers "the competition."

yep, daughter is very into her appearance at times, yet, willl tell you "since when do I worry about how IIIIIIIII look?"

Few Real Friends

Parents are parents and too often love unconditionally, but friends and acquaintances don't. As a result, while new people Dana meets like her, the more they got to know her, the less interested they are in her company. Except, of course, for the young men, most of whom vie for her attention.

i guess I don't fit this description of the undconditional loving parent.  i am very intolerant of being treated like something my daughter or others can use and abuse and discard and replace, at their preference, which is why sometimes you've observed me trying to take a firm stand when I feel controlled on here.

Other than a childhood best friend with virtually non-existent self esteem, there are no friends. There are acquaintances and those who share her environment as well as the many men who surrounded her - all of whom she refers to as "friends," but there really are no friends.

Yes, they don't have many real close friends.  Most people don't want to be intimate friends with N's and dysfunctional people for any length of time.  Usually people with extremely low self worth, are the ones who hook up with them to begin with.  They'd have to have that in order to put up with the mistreatment long-term, and of course, the eventual devaluing and discarding that comes later.  I can say that at one time I was perfect prey, because of my own deep neediness to be taken care of or to care for.

She explains this deficit by rationalizing that her peers disappoint her in one way or another. This one uses drugs, that one you can't trust, the other one is jealous of her, etc. There is virtually no recognition that the reason people who are not related to her or have no sexual interest in her do not like her given how she treats them!

No, she won't realize that people actually do NOT like her.  She tries to make herself look like she was too good for the others.  Even my husband can't believe that people really think he is strange.  His rationale:  "Nobody ever SAID anything to me about it."

I'm The Best!

Dana is not content unless she feels she has it over her peers, especially female peers.  She believes she has the prettiest face, the nicest hair, and the best figure - which she flaunts with her form-fitting, sexy, and hip wardrobe. She is always well-dressed, even when lounging around. "Studied cool" describes her style. While giving the impression of having thrown together any old top and pair of jeans, the trained eye can discern the hours and hours spent trying the outfits on, making up to appear not made up, etc.

I'm not sure if the form-fitting clothes is a typical N female thing, but I will say that conceited people do like to wear things that show off their bodies in some way.  My daughter lingers near the mirror, and NO it is NOT just cause she's a "typical" teen.  the way she talks about and treats people is VERY narcissistic!


Jealousy

Jealousy is a huge issue. Her own envy is as cut off from her consciousness as Wisconsin is cut off from the Atlantic Ocean. While she has no clue regarding her pervasive jealousy, it is sadly evident to the sensitive observer.

My daughter says that her sister is jealous of her.  When she tells me this, she has a gleam in her eye that she has something my other daughter doesn't have.  she laughs and says "I love it.  She's sooooooo jealous of me!"  (really, my pregnant daughter is the one jealous of her older sister who has a career)

The "problem" was that Stephanie, her peer, had gotten her life together. Also beautiful, she found her calling and was pursing an advanced degree with straight As - a feat Dana couldn't hope to accomplish. She also had a rich boyfriend who adored her. You get the picture. When asked point-blank if she was jealous of Stephanie, Dana replied too quickly and with an affected laugh, "Jealous of Stephanie? WHAT is there to be jealous about?" 

Yes, envy is a big issue for her.  I know some people who were very envious of me at times, and yet portrayed themselves as having "arrived"

The Price She Pays

Part of the price Dana pays to manipulate others is the exhaustion required to be "on" much of the time. When caught with her vigilant guard down, she is not nice: often impatient, short, arrogant and condescending, reflecting her near chronic bad mood.

Yes.  Usually this is seen behind closed doors.  nobody sees my daughter's anger other than myself while driving her places or at home with her.  Sometimes she exhibits her angry self in public in a corner of a room or something. NONE OF HER FRIENDS have ever seen the sides of her she shows to me...the anger, bitterness, lashing, punishing, lies, etc.  So, at times when I've tried to tell people about it, they don't get it.  they say "little Anna? i don't believe it!"  she has had an ability to "switch" faces very readily, from a young age.

Shopkeepers, boyfriends who try too hard and all the not-too-important people in her life who will put up with it are the unwitting victims. This is subtle. For example, one day she walked into her compulsively clean mother's house and saw a leaf on the sparkling floor by her feet. Instead of picking it up, she asked, "What's that?" Her mother, almost on cue, dropped what she was doing to pick up the leaf by her daughter's feet.

Yes.  I've seen the kow towing.  I'm guilty of even DOING it with my own daughter when she used to do the grocery shopping, cause i felt sooooooooo gulity for not having been there for her emotionally at times.  she'd look at me and put her hand on her hip asking "well, you just gonna stand there?  you know how I TAUGHT YOU"  I'd group the groceries together like she showed me, and put them onto the belt, while she'd snap at me in front of the cashier.  The cashier would give me a "whose raising who here?  who is the mother?" look.

The Devil in Disguise

The apparent angel is the devil in disguise.

A compulsive liar who needs to mislead to maintain her unblemished facade, Dana is not a mean or cruel person. This young woman really wants to do the right thing. While she derives a measure of immediate satisfaction from her cruelty, when forced to face her behavior, she is not happy she mistreats others.

i think we've seen this here with some people on this board.  Deep inside, even N's have some sort of feelings...SOME of them do.  I think some of them are also psychopaths too though, who have and feel NO REMORSE over hurting people.  After all, when you stomp on an ant, YOU don't feel it personally.  That is something they learned as children...how to hurt without it hurting THEM.  the biggest thing an N doesn't want you to hurt though, is their reputation.  That is where it's at for them.

After all, a misbehavior is not in keeping with her perfect image of herself!

When reality occasionally hits her and she is  confronted with her condescending acts,  she becomes upset with herself, often in tears. For a short time. Soon all is forgotten. Time heals or she takes solace in blaming others. When she presents her selectively-presented view, it sounds compelling. Until one realizes nothing ever seems to be her issue. Someone or something else is to blame - or the entire topic is dropped. No matter how much she has vowed to correct these behaviors, she does not. She cannot because she will not.

Yes, N's can turn the tears on and off as it suits them.  I will tell you that my daughter, when confronted by police or other high authorities, WILL BACK DOWN.  Most N's will bow to authority, because they look UP to and ADMIRE and almost FEAR them (I think, as a parent figure maybe).  N's do understand consequences of breaking laws, but they also feel it's fine as long as they don't get caught (ENTITLEMENT)

N's do not usually change unless GOD changes them.  Since they feel justified to do what they want, why should they change?  If it's all YOUR fault, what difference could something they do possibly make?  After all, they were only doing it for YOUR OWN GOOD!

She cannot because she chooses not to face the truth about herself. She cannot face that her nature is in fact dark and very imperfect. She cannot face that she is no more special, no more unique, no more perfect than anybody else. Unthinkable! What can she possibly fall back on if she were to simply enjoy her many assets as well as accept and work around the impact of her many deficits?

You need to keep in mind that this is all in regard to their outer FALSE IMAGE, not to the inner self.  they shut down the inner self long ago and they continue to do all they can to not have to look at and hear from that little child inside.  Doing so, would be the very act that could set them FREE though.

She believes special rules apply to her, and she is not willing to give these up without a struggle. She's secretly glad others haven't figured out how to be as special as she is. Giving up her specialness in unthinkable. It does not feel good.

Not sure how SECRETLY she thinks this.  In all cases in my life, they were pretty up front about how special they were and i wasn't.


How, How, How?

Keep in mind that narcissism is a lifelong pattern developing from  childhood and believed to have a biological basis. If deception and pretense have provided a lifetime of comforts and esteem supplies, why mess things up? Isn't it more satisfying to concern herself with gratification in the moment? Why work when you can instead do just enough to get by? Better to spend that energy cultivating one's external assets and targets. These yield immediate rewards.

I think this is more of a somatic narcissist's stance.  I have known N's that worked.  There would be no better way to hook up with the company president, now would there?

After all, the only thing she compromises is herSelf, her integrity, her relationships. All the things she has never known or understood, but thinks she knows well.

Yep

Trustworthiness

With all these issues, the narcisstic woman (or man for that matter) cannot be trusted. They are not trustworthy - unless they are expending energy pretending to be trustworthy. So, at best, their trustworthyness is inconsistent. Like the male abuser, her moods are unpredictable. When frustrated, the energy demands of being "on" are too great. Her frustration slips away from her - and spills onto anybody unfortunate enough to be in the way.

The trusting of them only lasts as long as you seem to be what they were looking for.  When you begin questioning, thinking and doing for yourself, suddenly, you are met with a very tough situaiton.

In a Nutshell

To feel whole, a woman like Dana needs to be the center of attention, be the prettiest, the most fortunate, the most talented, the bestest. She cultivates others who will be manipulated by her to admire her, adore her, inflate her, love her, and overlook her pretense, lies and half-truths.

I think this is true but oftentimes the N will tell you how untalented, how lowly, how dismal she is, so that you will pity her and try and praise her into feeling better.  if you are one who cannot overlook the fakeness in people, you will NOT be friends with the Dana's of this world.  I can assure you of that.

If she is questioned, she distances. This simple yet effective technique invariable affects the codependents in her life. On cue, they lay low and let the issue drop or chase her, thinking they must have done something wrong/ worrying that she won't want to be with them.  Should an admirer truly believe in her specialness and try too hard to win her, they are treated with contempt instead of charity. These people represent that which she despises: only the weak and common permit themselves to be demeaned.

[/b]

Yep.  When questioned, she will dodge, change subject, lash out, giggle, etc...ANYTHING other than feel that guilt inside of her.  she will project so that you feel bad about ever having addressed the situation too. After a while, if you have admired her too closely and begin to point out how wonderful she is, she will eventually TURN on you just because you are soooooooooooo NEEDY of her (keep in mind that she cultivated you to want to be near her in the first place)...now, it's time to punish the silly fool who cant live without her.

The bottom line is that this very beautiful, very charming (and extremely manipulative) young woman has absolutely no concern for others apart from those who are in a position to provide her with narcissistic supplies.

yes.  This is why I'm concerned about my daughter and anyone who gets close to her, unless she gets help and comes to an honesty in herself and begins to learn how to love, forgive and walk in freedom.

Does anybody know a Dana? Even worse, have any men out there fallen in love with a Diana? (May God help you...)

Amen

 
 
 

[Bella_French]

Hugs to you reallyme; that sounds so difficult to cope with, especially since so often NPD is attributed to parenting.

 I have a brother who is a sociopath, and these traits, I believe, were with him since a toddler age. Mind you, our N mother didn't help, by failing to discipline him. But I can say that something is not right with him genetically, and never has been.

PS. I used to wear form fitting clothes a lot, when i was in my teens and twenties. I don't think I was conceited, just a bit clueless, insecure and in need of being `seen'.
And i would be rewarded for my appearance, and so it also became a survival tool, partially emotional and partially financial (I was rewarded in the wok place for my appearance).

X Bella

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Laura)))))))))

(((((((((Bella)))))))))

(((((((Changing)))))))

I gotta read all this tomorrow, but just wanted to give you each a hug for now... and also I think I should post (if I can find it again!)
another one on here next to this... about what is "healthy/normal" narcissism  - because it is a very necessary component of a well-balanced human being!

Love to you all.

Carolyn

[Bella_French]

I'd really appreciate that post, Hope. I look forward to it!

love to you,

X Bella