This could arouse anger or could be a good discussion

[isittoolate]

Hi Beth,

I'm not sure.....Are you saying you don't think you look like a runner or a diver because of what was implanted in your little growing self? And since you don't, that people 'see through' you and put you in the same compartment as your mother did?

xx
Izzy

[isittoolate]

Hi changing

In my post #11, I was thinking about you, and used the term, unless there's a stalker. I think that stalking must be a very scary thing, as after I left and would go out, I was always looking over my shoulder. No need. I've seen him 2 x in 5 yrs, 3 mos. So I understand your position and newcomers might also be in a "just left" position.

Thanks for your kind words regarding my daughter.

Blaming ourselves is just revisiting the past to understand what we did, or didn't, do and then somehow forget blaming ourselves---throw it to the winds--- and do it a different way!

Forgetting things that happened is difficult, but I found that hard work, meeting new people, having fun and learning new things took my mind off many things.

Love
Izzy

EDIT:--oh yes and breaking one's leg can make for hours of conversation.....about the leg and the people you meet.

[changing]

I hear a lot of truth and intelligent observation coming from on top of that high vantage point. And good conversation too. It assists in keeping one focused, improving (Izzyfying) and more impervious to assaults. Just please don't fall from your perch again and break the other leg! We need you intact, ready to arouse anger or discuss!

Love,

Changing

[gratitude28]

Yes, Izzy, that is what I mean. I feel like I am not those things because I don't "look" like them. In our family, if you didn't look the part, you couldn't be it. But, since there were ever-changing ideas of what things were supposed to be/look like, I was never clear on what they were. So I always just feel like I'm not "it."

[isittoolate]

Hi Beth,

Did you notice I left you to the last for a reply while I 'wondered'? 

If a stranger tells you that you look like a runner, and you do, what does the stranger have to gain by lying to you? So stranger has told the truth!

Same with the diving: what would a stranger have to gain?

Now in the family you are a runner and a diver---great!!--but a parent who might be jealous of  the child is bound to have some ambient or straight out disparaging remarks to "put you in your place"," to bring you down to their level because they cannot do it", and that is awful as children require praise from their parents.

Don't you hate it when some control freak is always changing the rules?

I have a sister, Beth, who is an N. She has been a troublemaker since a child. When we were all growing up, I was about 3 when I shoved as broom handle down her throat. Could I have known at that young age that she was trouble?

As we went into puberty, our younger sister, Ruth, a bit chubby was growing breasts before Beth and I were. Ruth found herself a bra and wore it. Beth told her she was too young to wear one, so Ruth stopped. She blamed Beth for her having such poor muscle tone in her breasts later on, as she became larger. Ruth still might mention the influence (her word and I know what she means) that Beth had on her life. As well, Beth told Ruth that she couldn't have any children because she had heard a conversation between mom and our doctor that Ruth would never have a period and therefore could never have children. This was so cruel!! I didn't know until a few years later.
One morning Ruth had her period, I didn't yet, but I had snooped enough in their bedroon to know how to hook her up to a pad and she was wailing/sobbing the whole time. Eventually she told me what Beth had done and that she was crying from relief.

Beth betrayed me, Oh so many times, and I just couldn't/can't believe she did what she did. So family, in some cases, means nothing.

I am trying to understand myself without tacking on any family member--just me alone. Some people worry about my aloneness, but I am fine. I can deal with it and make notes and know better what I'm doing or not doing right!

I don't have anyone in particular to improve for, but myself, but just maybe God will allow me to squeeze through the Pearly Gates!

Love
Izzy

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[isittoolate]

changing,

GET me down from that perch!

The thing that scares me the most is breaking an arm! If I did I would have no idea what to do!

izzyfy--a brand new word. Thank you!!!

xx
Izzy

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[gratitude28]

Thank you, Izzy, for your thoughtful response. You know, your answer almost goes back to Anastasia's question of how we become what we become. Why would your sister be so mean, when you weren't??? Or at least you were not mean in the way that meant you were trying to destroy them...
I am not telling you this here because I dwell on what is/was said to me. Fortunately, I ealized recently that this was my reaction to anyone's comments to me. So... another area I can work on. It is so nice when you identify a problem so that you can erase it. And... it is thanks to your topic that I solidified the thought.
Have a great night, (((((((Izzy))))))))))

[isittoolate]

(((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))))

thanx
iz

[changing]

You are just going about Izzyfying everybody! And a good thing too! We can build you a proper throne with a powerful telescope instead of that precarious perch, Dear One. Have you ever seen one of those forest observation towers? Yowsuh...amazingly high up there! Well, OK, back down to earth.
Hope you had a good pizza- I'm still examining my anti N abilities and divesting myself of gee-gaws. I dare not even think about what I was told about myself when younger- I would have to search for a tail!

Love,

Changing

[isittoolate]

good for you, bean

she dropped a turd on me---I hope not physically

Some one who makes snide comments such as your boss did is rude, unladylike, insecure, and probably hasn't been laid for a while, as well as could be an N.

It sounds as though you really didn't dwell badly on that remark. She is the rude one and if/when we come to a point that we can just ignore, ( & think "TURD") it could, now and again, make her, and others, sit up and take notice?

Oh yes and by filling you life with other things, work and play and being supportive of another person can sure help take your mind off a rude remark like that. Next time you see her think of her with a turd on HER head, or a cow pie---a loose one.

I am so glad that you felt so good, enough to share that. Sometimes it seems a little thing, then bigger then bigger then bigger, and the next you know you could stand up to Larry King, and never reveal one personal thing about your sex life!

Love Izzy

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[gratitude28]

bean,
Brava on dealing so well with the situation and thanks a lot for making me spit out my coffee when you said she "dropped a turd on me." You should write poetry, my dear... LOLOLOLOL. I love it.
Love, Beth

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

Time after time as you describe your thoughts and activities and circumstances, I hear honesty,  kindness, gentleness, self-control, patience, love, humor, peace, goodness, faithfulness...If all this emanates from a woman who 'can't feel (I'm talking about in the emotional sense), then shame on us who give humanity a black eye by turning our feelings into word weapons.  I do it sometimes and I'm ahamed.

Love,

tt   

[isittoolate]

Thank you tt ,
for your lovely post. I sometimes think of myself as an enigma, because I say I don't feel and I believe that is true, mainly because I don't cry.
From my head I know what is happy, sad, worth grieving, what's funny, etc. and I respond accordingly.

I've often wondered if anyone  can understand what I am saying to get to the root of my problem. I think my therapist is right and that I have disconnectd and my head just echoes the feelings.

Perhaps I am forcing myself to not feel so I will never be hurt again,

I did say to my therapist, "I am awfully 'contained', aren't I?" re a certain topic and she agreed, so being very open and honest with her about this, she still sees me as disconnected.

Maybe I am one for the BOOKS?

Thanks again
Izzy

[isittoolate]

hi Shunned,
Thank you for understanding. More people did than I thought.

I realized as I went over and over the time he damaged my car that I was just obsessing and kept seeing my poor car in a damaged state, obsessing re that and many other instances. The point being he is an N/P and always will be.

The past is there for reference only, in my opinion, and that is why I have not carried any hatred forward for the people who hurt me-----but then I always thought there was something wrong with me, and that part of the problems were likely mine---but WHY?

(If we keep remembering the explicit harms done, we haven't 'let go'.)

The key word in that is "explicit" --almost lke reliving every minute, hour day, month, year of what transpired and no one can make the horror of the experience fade with time if it is kept 'alive'. AS it fades with time, I find I have fewer things to even remember and that is good, becasue for all of us the important person now is ourselves

See my post above to TT and I realized that problem after the N fact--#1 being I didn't, coudn't, stand up, speak up for myself and hadn't all my life, so I am working on me (and revisit, all my life)

Good Luck
Izzy

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

I have a cousin who says she is unable to cry.  I've never questioned her about it.  Just took her word for it.

Were you ever able to cry?

Are your tearducts normal?

Do you get choked up?

Appreciating you,

tt