Shunned

[Ami]

Dear Shunned,
 Keep sharing, dear friend. I am here and I am rooting for you. The best thing that you can do is to face the truth--- just as you are doing.You are giving me so much courage to face my own pain
  I am so sorry , No helpless ,little child should have to deal with all that trauma. ((((((Shunned)))))))))
                                                            Love ,  Ami

[changing]

Shunned-

You have come so far, after so much was done to shut you down  when you were helpless and innocent. What a strong and resilient being you are.

Love and hugs,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Shunned,
  What happened to you was HORRIBLE. The way that you wrote it,I felt like I was there with you.I am so,so,so sorry that you were victimized and then "shunned: when you needed comfort.
  I know that this will not touch your heart of pain,but what hit me was your courage, smarts, fortitude,and guts. In one of your posts (on the board), you say how hard it is to get over blaming  and shaming yourself. I am at that exact place, now,.
  What I could see from reading your story was how "untrue " it is to blame  ourselves BUT it is familiar. We HAD to blame ourselves at the time. We had to take on the blame( become the bad one )b/c we could have been killed(literally) if we put the blame where it should have been-THEM..
 I am faithfully doing the inner child work. I talk to my inner child every day. I am amazed at her wisdom.
 The other day she told me that she did not blame me for abandoning her b/c it was a life and death issue.
You are blaming  and shaming  yourself now b/c it is familiar . ALL we have left of seeing our mothers as "good"   is the blaming of ourselves. The only "comfort" is that we were wrong,horrible and deserved punishment. To look at it otherwise is to SEE how they really were. Then, as you said, we are motherless. I think that we would rather have the 'comfort" of the "good" mother who can be there ONLY  if we are the  bad. one. If we are the 'bad' one, there they can still be a mother who cared and cares for us. If we see that we were never bad at all, then we have to see the truth about them.Then, we have to face how they REALLY were.
  I have made such strides to giving up sickness.
Sickness represented me waiting for my mother (the good mother) to come  and take care of me.
As I give it up, I see that I was not the 'bad' one,but it was too dangerous to see otherwise at the time.
  I hope that you will understand what I wroteIIt is a deep decision that we made to shame and blame ourselves. I hope that I communicated what I was trying to say. I hope that it is not just "wordy"
  Shunned, you have  given me such a gift by sharing Twiggy with me. You inspire me to go forward .I am so grateful that you shared .I am honored to be a part of your healing        Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Shunned,
  Thanks to YOU,I am in contact with my darling inner child. I love her. She is full of wisdom and fun.
  I wrote this on a post the other day.I was asking my inner child if my M was "sick.' My inner child(I.C.) got VERY angry. She said that calling my M sick was letting her off the hook. I was very surprised about this strong reaction. I asked "What was she then?".My inner child gave me a brilliant explanation. My I.C. said that there are many levels inside  people. There is the mental ,emotional and moral. My mother was evil in the moral level. A schizophrenic would be "sick".. My mother chose to abuse me and chose when to abuse me( when adults were not around). She did it using her will. It is a moral issue--not an emotional issue .Psycholgy  takes moral issues and makes them emotional issues and this is wrong( in my I.C. opinion)
   I am so happy to find my wonderful inner child. She is "cool". She is funny  and creative. She can have a good time just doing "nothing". Also, she is very,very wise about people . She can feel evil. She can feel when someone is trying to hurt her, even though they say that they are not.
  She was WAAAY too dangerous to let out in front of my raging mother.
   My point about us taking the shame and blame is that somehow  taking it  lets the "fake" reality be" real." In the 'fake reality ,we are  bad. So, when we take this reality, we are still "living" the way that they told us to. When we shift and say that we are good, we don't need the smoking or sickness.
 My theory( and I could be wrong) is that our old habits (smoking,sickness0 are a way to stay in the old reality( thinking and feeling patterns).
  Maybe, I am wrong for you,but for me, it is right.
 I have two choices. One is that I am bad and my mother loves and cares for me..The other is I am good and my mother is very evil and chose to hurt me b/c she could and b/c she wanted to destroy me.
 In the first choice, I have to be weak or bad in some way b/c I am buying in to her reality.
 I wish that I could see you to explain these things. Do you understand what I mead?
For me, my sickness thing is a way to preserve her as a good mother who loves me and takes care of me when I am sick. If I face the truth which is that she hurt and abused me when I was sick , then  I am ALONE. Alone is the big ,scary word.I think that we are holding on to the old patterns b/c we don't want to face that we are alone(just my opinion)
Shunned, I love you and I am so happy that we are growing together                     Ami

[Ami]

Dear Shunned,
  What amazes me is the wisdom in the I.C.  I,myself, could never thought of the "brilliant" ideas about life that my I.C. thinks.
  I am starting to like and value myself for the first time since 14.
 Shunned, just keep MAKING yourself face the truth-- just like you are doing.
 You are doing so well. When you heal the emotions, the smoking will just 'go". That is how I see it.
                                                                                    Love    ami

[Ami]

Dear Shunned,
  Every day I talk to my inner child. I talk to her while I am on the exercise bike. Exercise  seems to help my head clear and I can hear her better.   I ask her the same question,"Should I contact my M?" Also, what is REALLY wrong with my M?"
  I am SHOCKED to hear my inner child 's(IC) answer. My IC will NOT let my M have any excuses. My IC tells me that my M abused me on purpose as a choice of her will. She knew what she was doing and knew that it would hurt me BUT did it anyway. So, that is in  a moral category not an emotional one.
 That truth is what has been at the root of my being numb. I simply would not( could not) face it.
   I have had some interactions in the real world where I felt like I was in a situation similar to my M. I felt that same" cagey" feeling that I always have with My M.
  I recognize it now as my "running" from evil.
   I know how evil feels to my spirit. It feel different than other feelings. I can identify the particular feeling when evil is toying with me.
  No wonder I got sick and pushed my inner child away. I could not face that the person taking care of me was trying to hurt me ,willfully,just b/c she could.
  That is a lot of face,HoweverI  feel more real now that I have in a very long time .           Ami

[lighter]

((((shunned))))

I don't have similar experiences so I don't comment too often about yours, Shunned.

Your revelation reminds me of when Mud says.....

"Making sense, out of something that doesn't make sense,  won't ever happen.'

Something like that but it struck a note with me and makes it easier to release cycles of compulsive thinking.

So glad your husband heard and comforted you.

[Hopalong]

With an N, you have to constantly defend your self, explain that you are different from them, always, always justifying your feelings - to make the feelings yours (and not theirs).

Wow, Shunned.
Big one!

thank you for stating this.

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Are you saying that you are staring to see yourself as 'different" or a separate being from your M for the first time?                           Ami

[Ami]

You are so right. I( within myself)and without the influence of my M  am  normal,too. WOW.
That is big. Without them and their influence,we are normal and well balanced. Our inner child can light the path to our true self. It can clear away the cobwebs(their influence) and find the beauty  under --US   Thanks,Shunned( you are right, you need a new magnificent name)    Love  Ami



P.S. I can see your" name" being very feisty I see it as tough,but strong--someone who can stand up for themselves ,but have a tender side. What names would fit that -do you think?

[Ami]

Amber is perfect- absolutely                                                             

[cats paw]

Hello Shunned/Amber,

  I have always thought Amber was a lovely name.  I enjoy hearing about word and name origins.

  Just wanted to say I read your threads and have read your story.  I looked up "push hands" and boy, there is a wealth of reading about martial arts, so I can only imagine the benefits of actually doing it is quite interesting.

  A long time ago, I was interested in it, went to observe a Tai Kwon-do (spelling?) class and totally chickened out.

  Kudos!

cats paw