thought I had today:Independent Codependent or Dependent Codependent

[reallyME]

I was walking from my car to my house after buying groceries, and a thought occurred to me.

I KNOW I have some tendencies toward codependency that I have to daily keep in check.  What I never thought of, was how these have been exhibited in different situations in different ways.

During one relationship, the friend I had, of course had their own issues, but I'm examining MY behavior here, so, for the sake of that, let me tell you, that in this particular situation, I was what I'd call a DEPENDENT CODEPENDENT.

I took on a child-type role and saw that friend as a parent figure, yet, at the same time, because this person was ill and weak in some ways, I saw myself as the child lovingly being there for the parent.  See?  I was de-pendent on the person to protect, take care of, lead, guide, correct me on one hand, but on the other, I was also finding my worth in taking care of that same parent-person.

Now, today, I'd consider myself to be Independent-Codependent.  I am much less needy of the parent figure to take care of, protect, guide, direct, correct me, yet I still tend to try to find my worth through caretaking for them when they are ill, upset, etc.

My struggle as I've seen, in this recent case, is when that friend does not need me to be their caretaker.  When a friend of mine used to be very ill before finding help to get back on their feet, I felt so NEEDED...VALUABLE, because I bent over backwards taking care of them.  However, after that person felt better, healed, got help that they needed, it was a HUGE CHANGE for me.  No longer were MY SERVICES needed by this person.  I had to learn to find self-worth in who I am not in my caretaking.

I've had to seriously LOOK at this in myself and I'm discovering quite a bit of maturity in myself.  Yet, the part of me who sometimes has a need to feel needed, concerns me a lot.

I can tell ya'll from growing up in an Italian Catholic family, I watched my grandmother wait on everyone hand and foot, even going without food herself.  I learned a lot of codependent behavior in my Family of origin. Italians are the ones who constantly try to FEED YOU FOOD.  Headache?  eat something...you'll feel better honey.  Family fight?  Let's just all eat dinner, shall we?  Family abuse through words/hitting?  Awww, he didn't mean it.  Hey, how about a nice calzone!

I even saw how my grandmothers' grown children COMMANDED HER TO SIT DOWN!  I got to watch them individuate from their mother, by finally saying "NO MOM!  I'm NOT hungry and you always do that.  you try to feed my face, every time I have a problem. STOP IT!"

Now that my grandmother is somewhat alone, she doesn't know how to act at times.  She was a perpetual caretaker, trained by her own mother to be that way.  Without a person to take care of and feed, the self-worth goes in the toilet!

Just some thoughts

[Ami]

I am seeing the codependence in me. I am seeing HOW  in God's name I got this way. I remember having a core. I remember being peaceful. I remember having a "self". Now, I feel so lost, afraid, insecure,indecisive. Where did that core go?
  One thing that I am happy about is that I was broken down so badly  that I found God,in desperation. That was worth everything. Now, I am a new born baby BUT I don't have a strong core.
   I don't know WHY my M felt that she had to erode my core.Vaknin talks about it. I saw it with my
"heart" now.She did not like anything about me that had a core-- confidence, spunk,joy, strength, values,morals, etc. Anything that gave me an identity-- she was compelled to destroy.
 It is so sad. The sadness is heart wrenching.It has no words. However, I see what happened. She wanted to destroy my core b/c it was a threat to her. Vaknin says that there is one way of thinking allowed with an N--- HER WAY.
  Why did she do this? I think that it was a moral issue--not an emotional one. I think that she let herself  lie so many times and believe so many lies that after a while  -- she was ALL lies.
  So,now I have some core--but not much. I need to build it up.
  At least I have a goal. At least I know that an outside person can't do it for me. That is a big,important revelation. At least I know that a man can't give it to me--or material things can't give it to me.
 I may be at the bottom,but I know that it is inside me,now. That is a start                    Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Ami,

Anything that gave me an identity-- she was compelled to destroy.
 It is so sad. The sadness is heart wrenching.It has no words. However, I see what happened. She wanted to destroy my core b/c it was a threat to her.

I think the two are really opposites. Her compulsion is rooted, in my way of thinking, in brain damage. I don't know if it's pyschological brain damage or spiritual brain damage or endogenous brain damage or exogenous brain damage or inherited genetic brain damage or environmental brain damage, but I think it's brain damage.

I don't think there is a "want". When you have a stunted self, how do you "want"? There's just a drive, a compulsion.

I wonder if thinking of your mother this way could ease the pain a little. I hope so.

Hops

[Ami]

Thank you ,Hops. I am asking my "inner child"-- inner feeling and wisdom -- what is the truth. Thank you for your kind and caring words.
                 Love  Ami( with two sleeping dogs next to me)

[Ami]

Codependency is an aberration of how we were made to be.It says that  if I give you my self to take care of and you give me yours-- we will all be happy. It seems so silly.
   However,I ( and many other people ) live by it.
  Why?conditioning,I think. I see how society conditioned me with so many "wrong" ideas. As I get my own eyes back,I can see the truth.
  We are told so many lies about life and ourselves. The only way to get out of the lies is to see with your own eyes and feel with your own instincts.
  If you ask other people, chances are they will lie to you all over again. I think that you can only see the reality of life with your heart.
   So many schools of thought try to tell us about human nature ,like different theories in Psychology. However,I knew about human nature when I trusted my gut and saw with my eyes. I was wise at 14. I got "stupid" as I grew older and believed what I was told.
  It comes back to having your eyes and ears as they were before you swallowed all the lies in order to survive.
  My inner child forgives me for abandoning her(my inner feelings) and pushing her aside..I could not have proper reactions with my M. I could have gotten hurt. I had to simply endure and survive. . I had to be watchful.
  My inner child knows that I didn't have a choice but to abandon her.Now, I need to re-claim myself.
  My inner child is a 'neat"person. She is very funny and  smart. She has love and joy abounding in her and flowing out from her.She needs to know that she does  not have to be afraid anymore .
 She can be who she was supposed to be all that long time ago                   Love  Ami