Recent discovery that mom's a narcissist

[StaceyLynn]

Hi all,
This is my 1st posting, and a little nervous....so please bare with me.  At 31, and after years of on-again/off-again therapy,I just had a breakthrough session with the confirmation that my mother is a texbook case Narcissist.  Sorry it took this long to figure out!  From as early as I can remember I have have been on a lifelong chase for my mother's attention and love.  Sadly, now a mother myself, I begin the mourning process off accepting that I will never receive the things I wanted/needed from her the most.  I have felt much relief also, knowing that all this time...it wasn't me...it was a real, diagnosable condition to which she may never become aware of.  
     The control has finally been put back in my hands and my own journey for self has officially begun.  I have a long road ahead of me.  I have just awoken to the reality that there has been so many connections between my childhood and present day relationships.  Between the friends I might still have today, that have been lost because of unrealistic standards of loyaly I placed upon them.
     I have learned that my friends have always been my substitute for the amount of love never received at home.  I was basically ignored my entire childhood and If the attention wasn't focused on me with friends.....look out!  To the present situation of my marriage....not all that great.  Basically because I also feel ignored by my husband.  It sounds quite pathetic on the surface.  But I know I have been a major player in all of this.  The time has come to stop feeling sorry for myself and start making ME feel good about ME!
     My question to all of you reading this....
1. What tips can you provide that have worked when dealing with a narcissistic parent?
2. Is it necessary to even clue my mother or other family members in on the fact the she IS a Narcissist?
3. How do you deal with frustration pertaining to other members of the family (ie: sibling/other parent) who have not awoken to the fact that mom's a N?
4. How do you relate to family members who are the textbook cases of "fall-in-line or don't- rock- the- boat" personalities?
I welcome any feedback!  Good luck to you all!

[Anonymous]

Hi StaceyLynn,

You sound like you're well on the road to a better
life! I love answering questions, so here goes.

My question to all of you reading this....
1. What tips can you provide that have worked when dealing with a narcissistic parent?

Detach from them emotionally, don't cater to them all the time, and ignore a lot of their crap.

2. Is it necessary to even clue my mother or other family members in on the fact the she IS a Narcissist?

I wouldn't. Absolutely I wouldn't say it to your mother. If someone in the family commiserates with you about her, then you can say, "Well, she is very narcissistic," and see what happens.

3. How do you deal with frustration pertaining to other members of the family (ie: sibling/other parent) who have not awoken to the fact that mom's a N?

Same as you do with the N herself. Detach, ignore, get help from your therapist. You can't get others to have an epiphany (sad but true).

4. How do you relate to family members who are the textbook cases of "fall-in-line or don't- rock- the- boat" personalities?

Ignore them. Oh, tell them you'll keep their advice in mind - then do whatever you want.

bunny

[Michelle]

Hi StaceyLynn - Welcome!  We are glad that you are here and using your new found voice!

I agree with bunny on all the questions - by the way - GREAT advice and well spoken, Bunny!  

YOU have to worry about yourself now.  As we are all learning, our "N" person in our life won't / can't do that for us.  Take care of you for once and I bet all the other areas of your life will fall in line shortly thereafter!

Good luck to you and again, we are glad your here!

Michelle

[Dawning]

StaceyLynn,

Welcome to the board     What a relief, eh?  To know that it wasn't you.  It isn't you.  

I like Bunny's answers.  They make a lot of sense.  

From as early as I can remember I have have been on a lifelong chase for my mother's attention and love. Sadly, now a mother myself, I begin the mourning process off accepting that I will never receive the things I wanted/needed from her the most.

When I read this, it reminded me of my dad.  I have recently discovered he's narcissistic.  He came back into my life recently and, thank goodness, I now know about the N signs so I could step back and read his words without too much of an emotional reaction.  Yet, always the first time I read the email, I am still in shock as to what he says and doesn't say.  

it was a real, diagnosable condition to which she may never become aware of.

I don't think my dad will become aware either.  It is much easier to accept now that I have been through it with other blood relatives.  But the damage has been done over the years as a result of his behaviour.  I wish I had learnt earlier - I had glimpses - but because he took away the father/daughter relationship when I was a child, I never had the chance to relate to him and find out.  But, better late than never I suppose.  In a weird way, I thank him for the recent emails so I could understand what he is like.  Now I feel like I am not chasing a phantom anymore.

I hope your recent discovery makes life more peaceful for you.