Things Step-Mom Said

[hannah38]

"If you marry him, you'll lose all your money."

"He's a sociopath."

"I am terrified of him. Do you think I'd invite you into this marriage if I wasn't?" (She'd invited me to my father's and her house).

"And do you think I'd invite you over here knowing that before, you didn't want to leave and your father didn't want you to leave and I needed you out?" (referring to when my first boyfriend died; she had just begun to know my father).

"Why did you take your boyfriend with you to see your father if you KNEW your father didn't like him?"  (HUH? My boyfriend is the man I love. My father never said a word to me about this. I actually thought we had some good times.)

"He's told you a lot of lies." ?

"As long as he was taking medications I couldn't do anything. But once he started to act out, then..."  (He told my father she was rude and he was angry when he said it. He said he would protect me as his wife).

"I won't have a relationship with someone who says those things about me." (What things? I did talk to my brother... about more than just the rudeness...)

"I want him to know that we are THROUGH with him." (I hadn't made that decision whatSOever)

"If you're thinking of going back to him, that is DISTURBING."

"We don't want to have to worry about you."

"If you believe he won't hit you, well..." (he has not ever, ever hit me).

"He'll take you away and once he gets you away from all of your resources, he'll hit you."

Meanwhile, my best friend initially convinced me not to go home (the first night--I don't think that my step-mom had anything to do with that) and then apparently withheld all the letters my hubbie wrote to me when we broke up (prior to marriage)--which I wonder if my step-mom did have something to do with. Because by that point she was in contact with my best friend. She then said my step-mom called her recently asking questions and was my e mail working (my friend doesn't e mail me, my family does). Certain Hope, thank you so much for your help on that.

 My brother said to me (before we broke up), "Remember when [someone in my family] married so-and-so, he cleared her bank account." Etc etc (using similar words, unique words that my step-mom uses--and funny that this was her later statement about hubbie that he would take my car, my money).  Step-mom knows I adore my brother and will follow his advice. She has roped him in once before. It is sooo transparent that I am amazed that she thinks I don't recognize it.  I have no proof, of course, but I can't tell you how ODD it feels to feel that she talked to my brother and probably scared the daylights out of him about hubbie. She did this too with one of her kids and talked openly about it. It is SO weird. I thought she really truly cared. And maybe she does. But it is all tooo weird.

Hubbie claims (I know this sounds crazy) that my step-mom was driving by grinning at him when we were broken up and that some guy in a car followed him. I give him a weird look when he says this stuff ??????????  He says, "I know you don't believe that. But she is evil." 

Here's my theory: that step-mom thinks that hubbie wants money and is marrying me for that (she more or less asserted that) and that she's just afraid I'd ask them for help if that happened and she'd lose out on everything. ??? Its the only thing I can think of. 

My hubbie said to me, "If I was after money, you're not the person I'd marry. I'd be married to my ex-wife. I'd be loaded."

My father says that I "owe" my step-mother for all she has done for me. What about my siblings? All they have done for me? What about all the decisions I MADE??? Yuck. I hate that, hate it, hate it. When I do things for people, I do NOT expect something from them. With my step-mom, its always SOMEthing she wants, desires, expects. I was so disappointed in my father for saying that but he was so angry that I didn't dare say anything.

I'm venting here.    Should I say anything to best friend and brother?  I haven't so far. My only solution is to NOT know anyone my step-mom knows. She usually tries to get me to be surrounded with people she knows and has influence over. She wanted me to see her therapist (which I thought was really weird and I said no).

At the same time, my father says that step-mom has sacrificed for me, given me a lot, helped me a lot (totally forgetting that I acted on my own behalf and funded it on my own).  Yes, she gave me some great advice. But she isn't a goddess!

[Certain Hope]

Dear Hannah,


Your marital concerns have to be completely separated from this conflict with your father and his wife, at this point, I believe.


That being said, many of these things she's said and done are confusing to me, at best... but these couple are especially revealing, aren't they?

"I am terrified of him. Do you think I'd invite you into this marriage if I wasn't?" (She'd invited me to my father's and her house).

"And do you think I'd invite you over here knowing that before, you didn't want to leave and your father didn't want you to leave and I needed you out?" (referring to when my first boyfriend died; she had just begun to know my father).

She's terrified of you, I believe, Hannah. It seems clear to me that this woman views you as a threat to her own marriage to your dad. She considers you a threat no matter where you are or who you're with, because she knows your dad's heart toward you and is full of wrongful jealousy.

This current manipulation is her way, I think, of continuing to try to make you look bad before your dad, to eliminate you from his heart. I think she knows you won't take her up on her offer to return to their house... but she just wants to make herself appear to be caring. She sounds very, very much like my mother.
That's my opinion only... and I could be completely off base... but that's what I feel about it.

Carolyn

[changing]

My stepmonster convinced my F not to sign for my scholarship (I was 16, almost 17, in foster care, very docile- they weren't even married at the time- I wish that I had had enough sense and gumption to sue for emancipation- what an idiot!!!!). In my later years I got an undergrad degree at the same prestigious and competitive university, but it would have been nice to have started earlier. I am in law school now- Stepmonster would freak. She did everything she could to break me, and in the end let my NF rot in a hovel of a care facility while he literally begged to be permitted to return to his gigantic house, and she snapped up his millions and property without visiting him, etc. or providing basics (it was left for me to do) Your F permits the stepmonster to run things. I likened the situation to King Lear and related my thoughts to my NF- unfortunately it certainly played out that way (except that I refused the Cordelia role).
Sorry that you have a stepmonster. Many steps are not evil like this. You can get past this, and her- Do what is best for you, and do not even consider her. Your well being is what is important!

Love ,

Changing

[hannah38]

Oh Changing, 

I feel for you.  That is awfule.    I don't think my SM is quite that bad (I hope). My brother said, "Let's just say she made a killing." 

Am I thinking correctly that he thinks its a financial issue when he says this?  I surprised myself by leaping to her defense: "We don't KNOW that to be the case."

Just like me.

Anyway, interesting that you mention King Lear. My father said to me once that he viewed himself as much like King Lear.  I've read the play and not ever been able to quite see what he was saying. Am I a Cordelia? A Regan?  Or does this just not apply to me at all but rather to him only? I wished I understood that statement better. Arrrggghhh. 

Congrats on law school! 

I considered it but frankly I am not tough enough. Successful lawyers are tough, I think, even when working in government law and not criminal. Again, that is a significant accomplishment. I think you must have had an inner fiestiness, an inner spark that helped you not to take it--to know your own worth. And you'll be able to help others, too.

[hannah38]

Thank you C.

That is so hard to believe that she'd be scared of little me. BUT. I do think that she is threatened. I don't quite get it, but I believe that as well. I just don't think I know what to do about it. F believes everything she says and I don't anticipate that changing.  When my bf died and I stayed at his house for a bit she said, "I'd pay my own money to get you out of here!"    I told my dad and he confronted her and she said, "I'm sorry if I offended you." But since then, I haven't bothered saying anything to him bc it just upsets him and she defends herself and nothing is resolved.  So I don't bother. Hubbie thinks I should speak up, that I am too silent. But I don't see the point.

He says it is Biblical to speak up. That he is convicted when confronted. But I just don't see it resolving anything.

It seems she wants to be close to me, but only if I do everything she wants me to, the way she wants it. Then she seems like she feels close to me and I actually begin to like her. But then I ponder the whole mess and think: This is ridiculous!  I can't live my life to please her! And as soon as I don't, the criticism and insults and hautiness arrive. I -want- to like her so badly!  But I am furious! 

Oh dear. I am repeating myself. 

Where was I? 

Thank you, C, for your insights and ALL of your support.  And your thought that it is vital to keep conflicts separate--husband separate from FOO conflicts. Yes, I believe this too.  I am not sure how because hubbie says our conflicts are bc of my father and SM--and the conversations get so muddled. I responded by saying, "We would never have separated if we were'nt having difficulties." Then he admits all the difficulties. Thank you, though, for hearing me and helping me center my reality. It helps.

Thank you for the encouragement to pray. I do need to pray and ask God for direction. Big Time.

[Ami]

Dear Hannah,
 My intuitive reaction to your thread is that your step mother is all the deep things that you think she is. I think that you know down deep what you are dealing with but you don't want to admit it--- who would?
When I came out of denial about My M( evil),I could see how my F and Aunt would not want to come out of denial. I had to to save my life.
  Hannah---it seems like the financial  reasons are behind your step mothers behaviors. Life and human nature can be simply pitiful . Sometimes ,life and people's reactions simply hurt so badly. There is nothing that really helps in these situations. Nothing can really make it better,even though we would give it all if only they would change.
 That is the lesson I am learning, now. I can give it all( and did give it all) and the "whirling dervishes" (abusive people) just kept whirling.I, however, was sick,emotionally and physically. It is a HUGE" OUCH ""situation. I am so,so sorry, Hannah                           Love  Ami

[hannah38]

Hi Ami,

Thanks for talking to me and sharing your story.

I am so afraid to be wrong. What if I believe this about her and I am wrong? That would make me a terrible person. I'm not saying this to you as much as to myself. It is scary, I think you said that, and you are right. Maybe that's it.

My F is just not going to see her as anything but all-knowing because of her career and that impresses him. I wish he would put God first but he needs her. She made a comment that still has my hubbie reeling and still upsets me. She said (my mother died) that while my mother is alive she'd been in love with my F for many years. I was shocked she said this in front of me. I mean, if she had feelings, wouldn't she keep them to herself???  And then once she said to me, "Your father and I wish we had married eachother from the very start. Of course, we would have missed having our kids."  I told my brother and he said, "That doesn't say too much for Mom."  These comments hurt and I keep telling myself that I am way too sensitive. 

Am I okay to be MAD about the things she says? 

What you say about becoming so ill really resonates with me. I completely understand you getting out of it. Sometimes it is so hard to know when to get out and when enough is enough.

At one point I thought I had resolved it. I got really ill and when I forgave my F for stuff from my childhood, I got well. So I thought everything was going well. Then he married her and it has been difficult. Then I met my hubbie. So I understand what you mean about physical and emotional illness being connected to STRESS bc of my past illness.  I understand what you mean about giving "all". And you do deserve health and safety.

Even my brother said (his girlfriend committed suicide) that he gave his all to her for a couple of years and it drained him. He had to call the paramedics for her all the time. He has a huge heart.

He is just worried it will happen to me. He called me (before we married) and said, "If it doesn't work out with hubbie--- don't feel you failed." I cried about that for days.

Ami, I wish there was something to make it better. All I can do is pray on it. 

[Ami]

Dear Friend,
  A really big lesson that I am learning is to trust myself. I know so much( down deep) about what is happening. I simply have shut my eyes and become sick.(emotionally and physically)
  It is REALLY hard. When it is all said and done, though,if you have God ,everything is really all right.
  That is my bottom line in all my healing and all my pain. I found God and even if I stay just this screwed up,. He will still love me and have me in the palms of His hands. That is the ultimate big picture, Friend
                                                                     Love    Ami

[changing]

Hi Sweetie-

Stepmonster and your H are quite separate issues. You are not bad or unworthy if either of then are bad or unworthy. Or if you know that to be true, and one is a skunk- God gave you an intelligent mind to assist in that discernment! If you have been socialized to believe that it is not nice to be honest with yourself, you need to reprogram dear one, but it seems that you are already inching in that direction. You are getting to the truth here.
There is no way that I would be able to positively I.D. your stepmonster as a schemer, etc- but I trust your judgement on this. If you let yourself honestly evaluate the situation, and it is so, then take care of yourself and guard against destructive influences- your F may choose otherwise, which is sad, but you don't need to sacrifice yourself - no point to it ( that is the point of the Lear reference-  daughter Cordelia is hung needlessly standing by Lear,even though dad Lear choose his ego over her earlier and rejected her true affection and devotion in favor of base flattery).

You are a smart cookie, and I know that you can find your truth.

Love,

Changing