Post-dating failure feelings.

[Lupita]

The other thread is getting too long and I still need a lot of help from my dear friends of the board. This kind of problems are chasing me since I was in high school. So it is a good idea to discuss them here until its ultimate consequences. Or so I think.
Last night, I felt failure. I felt I failed. Why? I do not know. I have progressed a lot. But I felt I failed. Six months ago on Saturday night I was obese, staying at home, watching the saddest movies and crying or drinking until I passed out. So, there is progress. Last night I went to a night club. I told almost all my classmates to go so we can practice. One of those classmates had been chasing me until he got tired of my “no” for exclusivity. Last night  he got there with another women, nice lady from the class. But I could not date him because he does not have any education and he is very primitive. I can be his friend, he is a good person, but extremely ignorant. He never finished high school, I am not discriminating towards education, but if the person is too ignorant, how can we match? I told him that I studied in Moscow and he did not know where Moscow was. Another classmate was there and danced with me for a couple of songs. But he is very advanced and I am intermediate so, he could not dance with me all the time. He need to practice with other advance students. So I was very proud and grateful that he danced with me and taught me a couple of moves. I took a girl friend of mine because she is in a beginner class and goes to my gym, and she is very lonely. But she is obese, and  nobody asked her to dance. I felt bad for her. We left after one hour of being there.
I guess I feel bad because I did not have a group of men chasing me like it was going on in the school dance meetings. But many of those men only wanted one thing, using dance as an excuse for their purposes. Now that they know I am not going to play games, that I want only friendship and dance, that if I pursue a relationship, it is going to be because there is a possibility of a fruitful, constructive, for the good of both people, relationship, now, those do not chase me anymore. Which it self is a blessing. But, still, I feel sad, like I am not pretty anymore, which is not true. I look grate. I felt fat today, with only 130 lb. I felt fat. I felt failure. Why? What is going on in my brain? Very immature feelings I guess. But do not know which. I see growing by reasoning, I feel at peace, but still feel empty. I do not feel the burst of energy and adrenaline that sexy dancing bad boy was making me feel. He was really mistreating me. But I felt good. What is wrong. Just the attention? Even if it is negative attention? Like with my mother? I did not care fi she was mistreating me as long as she was payng attention to me. Something of that must be going on in my confused frontal and pareital lobes, where thoughts and association of thoughts are located.
Thank you for all your help, my friends. God bless you all.

[Ami]

My opinion, after healing in the last month is that EVERYONE feels the way that you do(down deep).
 That is my new way of seeing the world.
 We all want love and attention. We all want to be 'sought" after and "prized.
  My sons and I were talking about this. I think  everyone has that little child in them that says,"Hey,love me . Aren't  I special?"
  So, I think that what you are feeling is normal. In my inner child books,they talk about the Loving Adult part of us that allows us to take those true and valid feelings that you describe and put a voice of wisdom to them.
  I think that the "adult" or cerebral part of you has to analyze what is going on with your feelings and come to an action plan,
  IOW, here is how I would explain how it all would work.
  You are at the dance and you want attention . Your adult part of you would not let you "play" with bad boy b/c  bad boy is like a dose of heroin . It feels good,but it is deadly.
  So, if you are not getting attention from anyone, your adult part would tell you that you are STILL  worth while . Your Loving Adult has to connect with something that makes you feel that you have worth whether or not men pay attention to you.
  For me, I am getting a sense of my own worth(slowly).The inner child books are helping me to see that on the inside of me is still the "cool"person that I was at 14. I like certain qualities  about myself.
Also,as I learn to protect and defend myself, I value myself more.
  The "bad' part is that there is not an easy answer. The "good 'part is that the answer is within us.
There are not ENOUGH bad boys to heal the pain inside. It will not work.
                                                                         So    sorry to hear that you are hurting  ,  Ami

[lighter]

I think, in part.... you're right about the chemical dump that goes along with interfacing with a person you'll have HUGE issues with.....

THE HIGH HIGH UPS....

and the corresponding.... low low lows.....

too much headache and you've already done that.  

Not satisfying.... the highs aren't worth the lows.

The truly satisfying relationships..... will be the ones where you face a man and there IS no chemical dump.  It feels pretty blah..... considering what we've come to think of as normal/exciting.

You won't have FOO issues that match up perfectly.....waiting impatatiently to carve you up, and serve you raw.  

In the book, WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH it's described like this.....

'Your horrors will have the relationship... and you will bleed.'

You'll be a bit bored, probably, on your first dates, with very nice men....::Nodding::.  

But...... you perservere and pay attention to how you're feeling.  

Soon enough..... you start to realize that you enjoy being treated with respect.

Having your needs considered and God forbid ::biting knuckles:: met.

Prioritized, even!  Sheesh.

Who does this guy think he is, anyway?

We don't really really deserve to have our needs met so...... what's wrong with him anyway?


You'll probably drag your feet a bit and send mixed signals..... maybe wrong uninterested signals.... and he'll get busy doing other things.  

Then..... you'll begin to notice that you miss him a bit.

No..... you sort'a miss being treated well and having your feelings considered.

After you feel this...... you ring him up or send an e mail or a nice little note.... and he'll show up with flowers and a big happy grin.... because he wanted you to want to be with him.

He didn't want to change your NO into a YES.

I see how the entire bad boy thing HAD to go this way.  It just did.  We all learn the hard way.  That's life.

But you now have that lesson to apply to the next phase.

Wouldn't it be nice to go ahead and start pretending you really deserve to be treated well?

When it happens..... try to see it with new eyes..... not as boredom or lack of chemistry.

It's not lack of chemistry.... it's the lack of dysfunction..... when the adrenaline refuses to pump.

I wish that you could smile and watch yourself from above..... see that you're a beautiful educated deserving woman who deserves to be treated with kindness, as an equal, considered and valued for her heart, soul and individual quirks.... every single one.  Enforce those boundaries without batting an eye or getting upset or defensive or..... YIKES!  confused .

I digress....

Nice men are lucky to have you on their arm..... bc you're nice too.

Remember that the world, and probably quite a few mean manipulative women, might have kicked them around too.

Mean women select nice kind men to kick around, dont'cha know?

What that means is....... that he'll be even more open to being treated well.... more likely to give and take.... negotiate and compromise in a relationship... his heart will have more room in it bc it's been broken too.

That's what you'll be willing to do too, compromise with a worthy equal.

With bad boy.... it would have been called capitulating and TRYING to meet his never ending needs, in order to stop the hounding, he says is your fault, because you haven't done X, that would be obviouse IF YOU Really cared.  Mind reading, dont'cha know, lol?  

It would never end, he would never be made happy by the hundreds of ONE THINGS he says he needs you to do to make him happy.  NEVER.   End of story.  Blech.  Gack.  ::I'm actually gagging here::

The nice guys.... they want you to be happy.  They want to know what YOU want to do?  Where do YOU want to go?

Best start reading some local/travel magazines and thinking about your answers..... to cut down on discomfort... because you shouldn't be struggling when asks about YOU.  

It's not comfortable to have someone treat us that well..... but don't let it stop you.

Where would Lupita like to go to dinner?  On vacation?  to the movies?  Europe?  

Invest in yourself.... nurture..... research YOU so that when the right men/man come along.... you're emotionally on the right playing field.  You can focus on the positives...... there won't be the glaring negatives you usually spend your time dwelling on.  It leaves a lot of room for other things you haven't really thought about yet.  

I know this is long and rambling but can't go back and edit so must leave and just send.

What does Lupita want?  Specifically?  

What do you want in a mate?  Specifically?

Make a list up.... new moon or no,lol... and spend time tweeking it.  

It should be at least 40 pages long and you should think about they why's of your answers: )

Now..... go make some plans for dance classes and think about what you do want to receive in your life.  \

Not about what you don't want.

[pennyplant]

Lupita,

In your post I see tremendous growth and learning in spite of the sad feelings that accompany your insights.  This is very complex what is going on right now. I think Ami is right, everybody is dealing with similar issues about self worth.  They hide it well but it is there.  Maybe many of those people went home and cried themselves to sleep.  They may have had the "highs" while they were there dancing and flirting.  They may have even gone home together.  But I bet when their nights were over with some of them felt very let down.  But that is the part you didn't get to see.  It is easy to mistake the "highs" as being the thing we seek.  Especially when we are watching the other people seeming to have what we want.  But they get let down too.  And the let-down afterwards shows us that what we want for ourselves are real, long-term commitments and that doesn't happen every day. 

You are right to want the real thing and to wait for it.  You are right to let yourself feel sad that it didn't happen this time.  You were so good to your classmate to bring her with you and then notice that she wasn't having fun and leave early.  You were such a good friend to her.  And to yourself.

Love, Pennyplant

[Lupita]

Dear Pen, Light, Ami, I see your point. All of you make sense. I agree. Still, feel sad, empty, and fat. I feel I have a huge stomach. My chicks are too swollen. Like a pig. I don't even want to look at the mirror. I feel empty. My brain tells me you guys a right. My guts tell me I feel like ch*t.

[Lupita]

Thanks Bean for your post. I guess all f you are rght. According to Loius Hay, if you are 50, (I am  ) and you do not have arteriosclerosis, cholesterol, or hypertension, you expect to see your 92nd birthday. Well, I am healthy, walk five miles twice a week, dance salsa, go to the gym four times a week, weight 130 lb. I remember in medical school, there is a syndrome called Cusching, and some of my classmates called me Chshcinoide because of my chicks, I did not have that syndrome. I had forgotten about my chicks until today. It is called "overvalued social idea" in medicine. Also, i had a cute nose with a nice ball at the end, like Rudolph, and classmates in medical school called me Rinophimosis, wich is the medical term for that kind of nouse like a clown nose. I forgot about my nose until one of my classmates in dance class told me "Now I am going to dance with a woman with a red nose" So I started putting a lot of make up on my nose. It totally is covered by make up. But still, I had forgotten about my nose until today. Until this morning. Now, this guy, I told him he did not dance well. And every time i had to dance with him, I looked at him very directly in the eyes and he got confused and he missed up. I knew I could make him feel uncomfortable. Until last week when I decided to be the adult. He was so concerned about his dancing that I told him that he was doind a good job. Then he said, but you said that I was dancing bad, wich makes me thing that they take my opinion seriously because they know I am one of the best in the class, and then I told him, no. I told him honestly that I felt bad when he told me that he had to dance with my red nose and that is why I told him he danced badly but that he was doing a good job. Now we are good friends, I hope.
My point is that I have reasonably "reasons" sorry for the redundance, to think I am ugly, not all the time but when I feel down. Today I felt down and I still feel down.

[Lupita]

That f you means of you. Please!!!!!!!!!! it is a finger error. God bless you. I love you.

[Lupita]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so afraid to lose your friendship!!!!!!!!

[cats paw]

Lupita,

   I did not even see the finger error until I read your post twice after you mentioned it.  It's ok, Lupita.

cats paw

[lighter]

Dear Pen, Light, Ami, I see your point. All of you make sense. I agree. Still, feel sad, empty, and fat. I feel I have a huge stomach. My chicks are too swollen. Like a pig. I don't even want to look at the mirror. I feel empty. My brain tells me you guys a right. My guts tell me I feel like ch*t.

I'm so sorry you feel bad today, Lupita.

Working towards serenity and understanding ourselves isn't easy.

Remember to nurture Lupita and really enjoy what's before you, if you can.  

Focusing on our fears is hard to stop doing.... when we're in the grip.

Interesting about the conversation you had with the man you told was a bad dancer.

You were the adult and you managed honesty (not easy) and hopefully, all is well there now.  

Give your cheeks a big bright blush of bronzer and blush and don't pay so much attention to your nose.... though it sounds adorable to me: )

[Lupita]

Again Thank you friends, I need friends. I feel bad today. But it is nice to know that I can come here and get encouragement from nice people.

[changing]

Lupita-

I enjoy your posts so much, and am sorry that you are so sad today. Sometimes girls get jealous and stupidly attack other girls that they perceive are prettier and get more attention (like the people in med school did to you.)There was a television show years ago in the United States, Twilight Zone,and an episode was about a pretty girl whose whole society, who were deformed monsters, was forcing to undergo surgery so that she would look like them. You are very pretty Lupita- don't let the monsters change you or how you see yourself.

Love,

Changing

[Bella_French]

Dear Lupita,

Hugs to you;  I think I can relate to your feelings, as I tend to get quite chubby about once every ten years. Usually something triggers it, like abandonment, emotional issues, or a medical trauma. Then I get into some sort of exercise routine, lose the weight and I'm dynamite again, lol. I guess for other women, pregnancy would be another cause of cyclical weight gain, but that is not the case for me.

I think women whose appearance changes in such a way, get a deeper and more accurate perspective on male attention, and i think thats what you have gained, even if its a bit unconscious. Although it feels good to be `seen' and feel `wanted' its really hard to place any value on it, no matter how desirable you look, when you know that the attention is conditional upon never gaining weight again. `Male attention' is not a soul attraction, nor necessarily sincere or permanent. Its usually rigidly conditional and goal orientated, just as you perceived. I have learned to dismiss its value, and to resist valuing myself according to how many male gazes I get when I enter a room. Its a deeply false and flawed economy of self esteem.

I think what is traumatizing about the kind of dance event you described, is that although you felt desirable and popular that night, you noticed your `chubby, undesirable' friend was getting no attention. 6 months ago that would have been you, and it could be you again, ad yet you'd still be the same beautiful person with so much to offer. I think this kind of thing `registers' in our minds, either making us fearful (of losing male attention) or angry (that male attention is so fickle and meaningless), or dismissive (when we realize it have no meaning).

Theres something else I noticed in your post, Lupita. When you say you feel `fat',  it sounds like the term `fat' is weighted with negative connotations, as if what you are really commenting on is your very worth as a person, not just a bit of fat on your tummy. It left me wondering, do you feel that your weight/appearance is your worth? Or do you feel that it is the key to  getting male love? . I guess i am wondering what is the deeper meaning that you are assigning to your weight, and is this meaning realistic?

Sorry to ask so many questions.  I hope that somehow some of this can help.

X Bella

[isittoolate]

re the f you error-------
====================

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
 
 
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
 phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
 
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the  ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat  ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll  raed it wouthit a porbelm.
 
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey  lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas  tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
==================

I just received this a couple of weeks ago, had seen it before, but it is interesting!!

Izzy

[attachment deleted by admin]

[JanetLG]

Izzy,

I type so fast, but so badly, that before I've checked through my posts for errors, they ALWAYS read like that. All the letters are there, but not necessarily in the right order.

Isn't that normal, then?

Janet