To Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  You just left me a post that was so uplifting.It really touched my hurting emotions  and I needed it. I wanted to write this after your last post on my thread about "Drowning" . However,it deserved it's own thread addressed to you.
  I have had a persistent thought since I was in my teens. It was 'How can you EVER be OK with a mother like yours?"
 I have had many conversations with my son's ( and other people)about it. They say,"Mom, you are a very cool person .People like you and want to be your friend. WHAT does your mother have to do with your life NOW?"  I would tell them that they did not understand . I would dismiss(in my mind) the whole conversation.
  When I would share about my M with friends, they would say the same thing that my son's said.
I would dismiss them b/c I thought,"HOW could they understand when they did not have a M  like mine."
   Yesterday, I was talking to my S(younger) who is at school. I talked about  it in another post. My S was saying that he was not smart enough. In Geometry and Trig ,He got a 100% grade.. He is taking Physics, Chemistry and other courses .
 He had a "bug" in his head that he was not smart enough and I could see that he could NOT "hear" what I was saying. Finally,I said ,"Do you know how you would always tell me that it was so dumb that I could never be anything in life(confident, etc) b/c of my mother?"
  He said,"Yes."..I said that your not feeling smart is just the same as my belief. It is ridiculous to everyone else,BUT to  you it is unshakable. It is profoundly true to the person.(you)
   I did not try to 'talk" him out of it b/c it is an emotional block. It cannot be reasoned with. You have to "see" it with your heart.
  He could see that I had changed. I told him about reclaiming your deep feeling" self "that you threw away in childhood( and most people do)
  Anyway, My point in all this is to tell Changing that she has changed my deeply held  belief that if you had a "bad mother",, you would never be whole.
  She seems very whole to me. She tells her story,but the abuse does not DEFINE her.
  That was the quality that shone through in her posts. She went through the suffering but was not DEFINED by it.
  I have to say that b/c of you Changing, I am going to have to revise my old idea that has traveled with me since age 16-17.
  i think that I should send it packing. The saying goes that if one incident "breaks" the theory, the theory does not hold.
  I guess that I will have to cast away the theory that if you have a bad mother, you can never be O.K.
 I cast it away in your honor, Changing.                              Love Ami
 

[changing]

Ami-

I know that when I came to this board I was isolated and going through a great deal, and you were there for me and really helped me to find my way. I shall never be able to repay your kindness to me, but must show my appreciation at least. Your sons and friends know that they have an intensely committed advocate in you, and that will help them and give them strength and inspiration and imbue them with the lovely feeling that they are loved and cherished no matter how "smart" or "wealthy" or "pretty" etc they appear to the world and no matter what the circumstances are, but just as they are. I hope that you can see your own worthiness and beauty of spirit, and how you are lovable and loved.

Love From Your Grateful Friend,

Changing

[Hopalong]

I will have to cast away the theory that if you have a bad mother, you can never be O.K.

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  Could you share about your thought processes about overcoming "bad" conditioning?. IOW, I am sure that many people tried to discourage you from law school(you said your step mother etc),but you manged to over ride the messages.How did you retain that little spot inside yourself that is still "you",if you know what I mean?
  Could you share about your thought processes and ways that you managed to over ride these persistent messages?  If you care to,I would love to hear ( and I am sure that others would ,too)                Love  Ami

[Iphi]

Yes I would love to hear it too.  It would be interesting to discuss resilience and resilient behavior/thoughts.  I am resilient in some areas whereas in others I am continually prostrate under the weight of it all.  For some reason that is making me laugh right now...

[lighter]

I am resilient in some areas whereas in others I am continually prostrate under the weight of it all.  For some reason that is making me laugh right now...

NO LAUGHING, IPHI!  Just kidding.....
Where ya been, lol?

I found myself laughing at a missing sofa cushion at the T's office today.  At first I expelled air (read that as started to laugh) then covered it with a cough. 

Then I washed my hands.... felt better.....sat down facing the MC..... and made the identical noises.

Again

I had to wonder why I was taking the Seinfeld's peed on sofa approach, to the matter.  Hmmmm.... didn't the entire cast end up in jail for making fun at other's people's expense?


Surely, some poor soul had suffered there, or in that general ( around that spot ) area,  yes?

I had just determined to sit and feel compassion for whatever may have happened......

exploding coke,

bodily fluid leak, projectile.... ?

children's marker gone amok when.....

the guy who'd just ran 15 minutes over with my T came out and headed straight for the missing cushion

and just managed to miss hitting the hard sofa with a quick shift of his bottom to the right, lol.  My right, lol. 

Everyone in that waiting room thinks I have a very

odd

allergy.

I spoke with my T about that incident, and some others I've been pondering recently, with regard to laughter. 

After he stopped laughing about the cushion, which had seen anotherseen another visit to the drycleaners in the past..... he made me feel better aboutmy laughing. 

He was amazed that I could laugh and was very pleased with my energy, in general, considering what it's been over the last 9 months.

I felt better and find your laughter.... in this case...... a better coping tool than some that come to mind: )   

[changing]

Hello-

I am sorry to disappoint my friends, but I don't know anything!I wish that I were as scholarly as Ami in my approach to life and could understand its wonders and the secrets to happiness- unfortunately, I have merely survived and enjoyed what I could...such as would be expected from a feral person!

Love,
Changing

P.S. Today I made a great fool of myself- I volunteered to answer a question on Agency and Merge aspects of criminal murder, etc and I answered exactly the opposite question from what the prof asked (I would have known the right answer , but I didn't listen properly-oh I am so embarrassed- it was not pretty, I'll tell you!!!) First day back and I made a big stupid impression- Bleegh! What is wrong with me, even more than usual!!!???
Changing

[Hopalong]

Ahh, but how delightful, Changing. The law is full of paradox!

(Quit it. You're beyond impression management, right? I'll bet the prof just remembers your articulateness!)

 

hugs,
Hops

[changing]

Oh Hoppy-

I'm not beyond impression management, unfortunately.The prof looked startled (he rarely does) then averted his eyes from my gaze for the rest of the class! I have to laugh-  I gave the opposite answer!!!! Du-oh!!!!

Love,
Changing

[Iphi]

I'm sure that made your classmates like you all the better changing.  Though some say it is better to be feared than loved, those some must not need to network.

But seriously changing, you seem to have done an admirable job of skirting the negative emotions and making the most out of the slimmest resources.  What led you or inspired you?  Was it your church community and some friends from there?

When people ask me, I usually say that books raised me.

Lighter - where have I been?  Baby wranglin'!  We baby sat for a 4 month old this weekend and I carefully demonstrated for him the art and science of blowing raspberries.  High hopes he will astound his folks with that one.  As for our own little boo, he is about to crawl any moment now but presently travels by rolling around like a tumbleweed.  He met sweet potatoes this weekend and seemed to like them pretty well.  When he met pears last week, there were some really hilarious expressions.  I bet he thinks we have some hilarious expressions when we change his diaper these days - whew!

[Hopalong]

Iphi... 
thanks for this

Though some say it is better to be feared than loved, those some must not need to network.

Your little boo must be SO much fun.

I have a great pic of my D at about 6 months with blueberries all over her face and a big grin.

Hops

[Iphi]

I have a great pic of my D at about 6 months with blueberries all over her face and a big grin.

Aaawww!  That must be quite a heart melting keeper. 

Perhaps memory has edited out all the stickiness?  So.very.sticky.  He's just amazing - I could ramble on for a long time about it.

[Hopalong]

Feel free! I love baby stories!

Hops

[lighter]

Lighter - where have I been?  Baby wranglin'!  We baby sat for a 4 month old this weekend and I carefully demonstrated for him the art and science of blowing raspberries.  High hopes he will astound his folks with that one.

Oh my goodness, lol.... you had your hands too full to post... for sure, lol.

BTW...now that little BOO is about to get more mobile..... start peekin around at table tops and such to see what that baby will be into next.

My little ones emptied every drawer in the house for a while.....

ummmm...


splashed around in the toilets for a phase......


Yup.   I'd say those things are coming pretty soon for you; )

[Iphi]

I've been meaning to get back here and hope changing and Ami don't mind if this thread gets hijacked after a few days like this.

Oh we are terrified of the Boo going mobile.  Well, actually all of parenthood is pretty terrifying.  Best not to think about it.   

Tonight Boo ate baby cereal which he finds very acceptable and then he ate pureed peas, and the votes are not all in on the peas.  We had to play peekaboo to distract him from the taste.

Baby stories!
This morning's diaper change was so strenuous.  There was a poo in there, and he kept flipping over like a rotisserie chicken and then he flipped once more onto his tummy and peed.  All the while I am wiping at him and flailing around with the new diaper, the wiping the table and taking off the be-peed onesie.  Finally I picked him up in one arm and cleaned him off.  He didn't like it much, but not in a strong way.  He made mild 'weh-eh-weh-eh' noises - "me no like - why you do?"  Then inspiration struck and I sat him upright upon the new diaper.  Since he is really into sitting right now, this made him happy (and able to fool with the wipes packet) and finally the ship of the diaper changing odyssey docked slowly at the port.  Whew.