New Series: RECOGNIZING AND DEALING WITH CODEPENDENCY

[reallyME]

WHAT IS IT?

Well, are you or someone you know the type of person who always does things for others...you are the first, when the neighbor's car breaks down, to let them use your car, the first to back a cake for the lady in the church who is ill, the neighborhood babysitter.

You do these things, usually without complaint, and you do them out of balance to a point that it results in you neglecting your family, children, responsibilities, etc.  You will lie to protect others, will not allow others to face the consequences of their own actoins, will do errands for others even if you are too ill to barely get out of bed, for fear of losing their affectoin.

You or your friend is what is known as a "RESCUER" and you have a deep need to "FIX" anything that is wrong, unjust, unfair.  You have a need to control the behavior of others, but wooing them to your side, by being nice and helpful.  You have a NEED TO BE NEEDED.

When you have "succeeded" in accomplishing the change in another person, your thrill about that is very short-lived because of what you had to do in order to do this.  You become angry with yourself for not speaking up, not saying no, not refusing to do whatever errand, going along with what you don't agree with, believe in, want.

You reason with yourself somehow that you were doing the "noble" thing for the people you were trying to "serve" but deep inside, you know you are not being true to yourself anymore, and you begin to feel resentful and want to stop but you can't.

In short, do you:

Have trouble seeing people and situations objectively, realistically

Believe you are responsible for other people's thoughts and behaviors

Have a tendency to be controlled and/or control others

Feel unbalanced amounts of anger and hurt

Feel guilt over things you could not control

Feel you live a life of loneliness, never really able to experience intimate relationships.

Over 160 million people experience this in their lives!

It can result from childhood, circumstances later in life...but no matter what the reason for it is, you, me, others, experience the problem because of our need to over-please, over-rescue, and over-serve others...outside of the bounds of what God wants of us.

The more we try, the less joy and peace we feel, because we are not being true to God, self and others.

Come join me as we learn more about recognizing and dealing with Codependency.

Blessya

~reallyME

[reallyME]

Since most of us here have come from dysfunctional families, let's talk about what a functional one looks like.

First of all, in any family, the behavior of each member affects the other members.

In a functional family, everyone helps each other grow and mature.  They are not perfect, but they do encourage communication and truthfullness.  Parents and children form bonds of "self" and learned that it's ok to trust, talk, feel regarding things going on in their lives.

Functional families give the message:

It is ok to TALK
It is ok to TRUST
It is ok to FEEL

Healthy families teach living skills too.  Functional parents are consistent, respectful of children as individuals, not extentions of themselves.  They take the time to listen to their children, rather than being caught up in their own personal issues.

Functional Faimliies give the message:

I am special and worthy because of who I AM, not because of what I do.

GOD loves you unconditionally.  In the Bible, there are examples of human beings who did NOT love in this way...they were known as "evil rulers" "pharisees"  "hippocrites"  Whether or not you are a follower of Jesus, it might be an interesting study, to look up these words and see what this is all about.  Many of you are dealing with some people in your lives, who have much the same characteristics and behaviors.

Blessya'll till next Lession:  Dysfunctional Families

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  It is really" funny "what is happening to me. I have studied the Bible for 15 years. I have hundreds of Cd's,tape and books. HOWEVER, I really did NOT have it in my heart.
  I needed to empty out my heart of all the bad things before I could even understand the Bible. The inner child book and the board have really helped me to do this.
  The same thing happened with codependency. I went to Al Anon for 10 years and STILL did not know ,in the heart, what they were talking about.
   So, for me, I am understanding,with the heart,, some of the wisdom you have written . I am getting it about not trusting myself. I am understanding more what you have written b/c I have cleaned out some of the 'garbage"
  I will write more later . I want to think about what you have written. It is very important and very profound                       Love   Ami

[reallyME]

Ami, I'm so thrilled for you, that you have been finding strength through the Bible and the books you read.  I'm an avid reader as well, and I'm so glad that was instilled in me years ago...to always be learning and growing.[/quote

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

In a dysfunctional family, some of these issues may be present:

a physical abuser or absentee parent.  This parent spends their love on some other object, rather than giving it to the family (in my case, this used to be my computer)

a person who is physically or mentally ill.  This person tends to need more time and energy from family members, so the others are neglected.

Unhealthy rules, such as "Children should be seen and not heard" or "don't air our dirty laundry in public"

Robotic family members, as a result of one of the family having all control over the unit.

The truth is, some family members can sense that something is wrong or out of balance, but because of the "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rules, they choose to live in DENIAL instead.

DENIAL means that a person is not willing or able to be truthful about feelings.  The Bible tells us to "speak the truth to one another in love."  In a dysfunctional family, this does not occur.  Eventually, the abuser becomes blinded even to his/her own faults in their lives.

There is a comic picture in a book on this topic...a guy is on the phone, talknig to the operator and he says "Do you have the number of a support group for forgetful people?  My car ran out of gas and I need someone to blame"

We can all do FAMILY OF ORIGIN work in order to comprehend what is happening to us, so that we can take ownership of them.  We will learn to trust and feel, rather than stuffing our feelings inside and piling other things on the top of them.  We will not go back to our past to blame, but to unhook from our unhealthy cycles.

We will know that strong emotions often come from this.  Sometimes we feel like we will never stop crying.  As a group, we need to pull together and walk through this journey as a healthy system.

VERY IMPORTANT:

Some of us have not told anyone what happened to us or what is happening, because we feel that we'd be BETRAYING or DISLOYAL to the family system.  IF this is you, you are choosing to stay stuck in your situation...your loyalty is misguided and you need to find a safe person to TELL.

Next:  The Roles of Dysfunction

[womanonamission]

Wow...I can see I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY need to follow this series.  Between the codependency issue...and the dysfunctional family...I"m recognizing that i grew up with a very codependent mother who I unfortunately learned from very well, on how to be codependent that is.  I thought that once I moved out on my own all those years ago, I would break the chain.  But yet...I fell into the trap...and let those codependent behaviors take over all over again.  I have that insatiable need to be needed.   I"ll be sure to keep up with the series, cuz i know I need to move on from the past and learn how to break this chain of guilt and shame I"ve carried about my neck most of my life.

[reallyME]

Dysfunctional Roles in the Family

Well, I covered these in a different thread, but just to review:

Hero- "i'm responsible for everything in this family.  I'm the one who takes care of the other children and even sometimes of my parents.  I do very well in sports and school and all eyes stay rivited on ME, so nobody has to face and deal with the family's issues.  I have scheduled every day of my life, telling me what to do, when, and even alloting myself time to relax.

Scapegoat:  "i'm responsible for everything that goes on that is problematic in my family.  It's my fault that my dad drinks and my fault that my sister left home and got messed up with drugs.  My parents are hooked on drugs and alcohol, so I have to just take care of myself...that's why I'm a FIGHTER...I can defend myself.  Who needs THEM anyway?  I just got a DUI the other day, and maybe NOW they will notice me!

Lost Child:  Problems?  I don't see any problems...just like nobody sees ME.  I guess it's cause I don't really get in any trouble.  I just stay out of the way and keep my nose clean.  I can adapt to pretty much anything in life and nobody really thinks I'm paying attention to anything going on around me.  I like being by myself.  I'm shy anyway.  Maybe when I'm older I won't be, but for now, I'm just staying out of trouble unlike my brother.

The Mascot:  I'm the funny one, always telling jokes and making my family smile.  Sure, things are rough at times, but we make it through...nothing a little bit of humor can't solve.  I can "turn that frown upsidedown"..it's my SPECIALTY!  Everyone sees me as the "life of the party" and I'm just doing what comes naturally.  Heck, I hardly ever have a day when I'm sad or upset.  At least, I never noticed it.

The Enabler:  I really want the abuse to end, but it seems it's easier to just give him what he wants.  I know that his behavior is getting way out of hand, but he works SO HARD every day...he just needs me to show more appreciation for all he does, right?  Yeah, he stole that car, but if I tell on him, that's so many years in jail, and well, he just got off on bail last week!

Common thoughts of each:

Enabler:  I can't let her get into trouble for stealing.  It would devestate her.

Hero:  I'm going to make it BIG so the family won't fight anymore.

Scapegoat:  I'm sick of all this arguing and I know that if only I could be better at doing my chores, Dad wouldn't hit me so hard.

Lost Child:  I'm just staying away from everyone.  I can't trust anyone anyway.  If I stay clear of it all, I won't get hurt.

Mascot:  Awww come on, laugh a little.  Nothing is that bad.

The important thing to realize, is that, these roles are FIRM, FIXED in each dysfunctional family...they also carry over into adult relationships if they go unchallenged or undealt with, as many of us have learned.

Next Lesson:  Codependency

[womanonamission]

thanks for posting further on this Laura....I'm really starting to understand more of how messed up my F.O.O truly was and continues to be.  No wonder kids grow up with some of the problems we do when we grow up in families with problems.  Unfortunately most of the time we don't realize it until we become adults and really have issues then.

[Hopalong]

Laura,
Thanks for all you're giving.

Hops

[reallyME]

Shunned:  You mentioned that it was odd that the article says the roles are "fixed"  I think what they mean, is that most children predominantly stay in a main role.  The roles can change hands for sure, as you mentioned, but usally, each family member tends to stay in one or the other.  I know there are exceptions to every rule though.  You are right.

CODEPENDENCY...what IS it?

First, it's USUALLY caused by growing up in dysfunction, but can also be caused by traumatic experiences and changes in life.  A loss of a job can even result in this.

CODEPENDENCY is an AFFLICTION.  People who are codeps, have an off-kilter sense of responsibility to rescue, fix and help people (usually people who do NOT want their help).

A CODEP has been deprived of love, either purposely or by neglect, so they resort to rescuing behaviors in order to feel "need" and "wanted."

A basic definition is "a compulsion to control and rescue others by repairing their problems.  This occurs when a codep's need for love and security are not taken care of."

A child who grows up in a family with a parent who is an addict, learns that he/she must take care of his/her own needs for love  A child who grows up with an abusive parent or parents, likewise, has a distorted understanding about love.  These children often grow up to be adult-children who try to control others.

There are 3 central issues regarding CODEPENDENCY:

LACK OF OBJECTIVITY- cannot see things through a REALITY LENS, causing us to keep repeating damaging behaviors.

DISTORTED SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY- lack of healthy boundaries to let us know what we need to do and others need to do.  We feel guilt for and try to do everything or we do absolutely nothing as far as meeting our responsibilities.

BEING CONTROLLED AND CONTROLLING OTHER PEOPLE- We don't know where we stop and others begin, so we are either being intruders or letting others intrude in our lives.  This involves manipulation and control.

CONTROL EXPERTS

As a codependent, one becomes an expert at controlling others, but, since controlling does not build healthy, love-filled relationships, we end up being rejected and lonely, till the cycle begins again.

The codep's main desire is to be loved and accepted and...a need to rescue, fix others and get their approval at any cost...a need to control their emotions, attitudes, behaviors....until the codep faces the truth and begins to recovery.  This causes anger, hurt, guilt and loneliness.

HERE ARE SOME CHARACTERISTICS OF CODEPENDENCY:

FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER'S BEHAVIOR: I don't want to look bad, so sit there and shut up!

NEED TO BE NEEDED: You KNOW you can't do this without me.

EXPECT OTHERS TO MAKE US HAPPY: Can't  you TELL I'm miserable?  Where are my flowers? my dinner?  What's WRONG with you?

CAN BE DEMANDING: BUY ME THAT NECKLACE, NOW!!!!

CAN BE INDECISIVE: I don't know what I want.  I can't decide.

CAN BE ATTENTIVE: I am verrrrrrrrrrrrrry interested in what you are feeling and saying.

CAN BE SELFISH: I'm going to talk about what is important in MY life.  I don't care about yours.

SEES THINGS/PEOPLE AS WONDERFUL OR TERRIBLE: You are the BEST thing that every happened to me.  I never met anyone so mean and horrid!

SEEK AFFIRMATION AND ATTENTION:  Did you see what I dd?  It was awesome wasn't it?  Hey, look at this.  I painted it...I used the best paint I could find.  I think it far outshines the others.  Don't you?  Huh?

SULKS AND HIDES:  Why should I bother?  Nobody cares.  Nobody notices me.  I'll just keep to myself from now on.

SEEING OTHERS' FAULT BUT NOT ABLE TO SEE OUR OWN:  I don't have any problems and the ones I do have, are not that big of a deal, but YOU really need to find a way to deal with your issues!  I know that you are going to fall if you keep on doing that!

SEEING OTHERS FOR OR AGAINST US:  I have tons of friends that adore me.  I just KNOW they are talking about me right now.  Everyone is OUT TO GET me!

USES SELF-PITY AND ANGER TO MANIPULATE OTHERS: Nobody likes me.  Nobody honors me.  I think I should just die or disappear. I'm not a controller!

FEEL WE MUST RESCUE PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES: It's ok, I'm here for you.  I'll post bail for you as soon as I can get to the bank.

NEEDING/HATING OTHERS:  I am NOTHING without you yet, I can't stand having you here around me

UNCLEAR VERBALS (not saying what we mean or meaning what we say):
I know I SAID that, but that's not what I meant!

REPENTING DEEPLY BUT REPEATING THE SAME BEHAVIORS:I repent to you...I'm so sorry...please forgive me.........SO?  Everyone makes mistakes.  Can ya blame me?  Look at what YOU did!  That is why I did this!

Next: Recovering from Codpendency: the Process

[Certain Hope]

Laura,

I'm following along here... reading it all. Just wanted to let you know that and say thanks.

So... Thanks!    Good stuff!

With love,
Carolyn

[reallyME]

DISCOVERY  DOES NOT EQUAL RECOVERY

We can read and learn all about Codependency, but it takes a strong bond with God and emotionally healthy, supportive people, in order to walk through this process.

We need God and like-minded peple to help us work through our issues.  If we did not get support from our FOO's we can find support through our new families.

We all need to be encouraged, corrected gently, taught, loved, prayed for, as we walk through our struggles into maturity.

The apostle Paul, in the Bible talked about this:

Ephesians 4 v 13-15

until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ.  As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves, and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even Christ.

People from dysfunctional families do not have a healthy understanding about relationships.  In their young lives, they saw lies, abuse, neglect and manipulation.

TO RECOVER:

knowledge-  understanding oneself, is very important.  You can then deal with the hurts, needs and desires within, with God's help and the help of others.

relationships- Where there is love and support, a person will grow.

spirituality- Understanding the truth of the Bible will lead you on a path of forgiveness and strength, helping you to understand life's purpose.  You will learn how to reach out to others without losing your self.

time- this is a process.  You will need to take one step at a time, waiting for the next little breakthrough, and then, go forward just a little bit more...till you reach your goal.


Recovery takes work and effort.  Some people will do this work and will find healing.  Other people will not complete the work because it's too hard, painful, slow, etc.  Just remember that it all happens with one step at a time.

Next:  The Beginning

[CB123]

Laura,

I was struck by how much the check list for co-dependents dovetails with a check list for narcissists.  What do you suppose that's about?  Is a co-dependent what we are and a narcissist what other people are?   

Jeez.  All the lines are going blurry on me. 

CB

[Certain Hope]

An ordinary codependent personality is not a pathological liar, devoid of empathy, who views other human beings with scorn and contempt.

[reallyME]

I like Carolyn's explaination and I don't think I could really offer anything different that that.  I do kow that codependents are also known as "inverted narcissists."  This term has brought the gavel down on my noggin in the past for using that term, since people here HATE to be labeled with anything remotely resembling NARCISSISM.

The truth is, many of us who were raised in dysfunctional homes, do have some narcissistic traits at times...myself included.  I have to really work on examining myself.  I am learning how to be active rather than re-active in my life.

Thank you so much for the inquiry, CB

~Laura

[QB]

Frm all that I read here it seems natural that a co-dependent would team up with  a Narcissist and get on like water and oil!
All these  behaviors seem to me to be non-empathetic, utitlizes a lot of lying and self-denial and doesn't seem to view the other person well at all.  I guess I'm saying that a co-dependent person would make their "object' feel just as crappy as a narcissist would.  No big or little sin, just dysfunctional and hurtful all the way around.


CAN BE SELFISH: I'm going to talk about what is important in MY life.  I don't care about yours.

SEES THINGS/PEOPLE AS WONDERFUL OR TERRIBLE: You are the BEST thing that every happened to me.  I never met anyone so mean and horrid!

SEEK AFFIRMATION AND ATTENTION:  Did you see what I dd?  It was awesome wasn't it?  Hey, look at this.  I painted it...I used the best paint I could find.  I think it far outshines the others.  Don't you?  Huh?

SULKS AND HIDES:  Why should I bother?  Nobody cares.  Nobody notices me.  I'll just keep to myself from now on.

LACK OF OBJECTIVITY- cannot see things through a REALITY LENS, causing us to keep repeating damaging behaviors.


SEEING OTHERS' FAULT BUT NOT ABLE TO SEE OUR OWN:  I don't have any problems and the ones I do have, are not that big of a deal, but YOU really need to find a way to deal with your issues!  I know that you are going to fall if you keep on doing that!

SEEING OTHERS FOR OR AGAINST US:  I have tons of friends that adore me.  I just KNOW they are talking about me right now.  Everyone is OUT TO GET me!

USES SELF-PITY AND ANGER TO MANIPULATE OTHERS: Nobody likes me.  Nobody honors me.  I think I should just die or disappear. I'm not a controller!

FEEL WE MUST RESCUE PEOPLE FROM THEMSELVES: It's ok, I'm here for you.  I'll post bail for you as soon as I can get to the bank.

NEEDING/HATING OTHERS:  I am NOTHING without you yet, I can't stand having you here around me

UNCLEAR VERBALS (not saying what we mean or meaning what we say):
I know I SAID that, but that's not what I meant!

REPENTING DEEPLY BUT REPEATING THE SAME BEHAVIORS:I repent to you...I'm so sorry...please forgive me.........SO?  Everyone makes mistakes.  Can ya blame me?  Look at what YOU did!  That is why I did this!