Career and Self Identity----Need Advice

[sun blue]

I decided to post after reading some of Bones' posts about losing a job and feelings of unworthiness.

I so identified with some of those posts as I'm going through the same thing--only multiplied.  I am currently unemployed and my job search as been going on for a loooooong time.  Like Bones, I'm educated and have a lot of experience (although I'm in a competitive field.)

I'd often hear things like "things will get better," "a better opportunity is right around the corner", "you'll land something great" "just stay positive."  Well, hundreds of resumes, applications and interviews later, I am still in the same place...or nearly.

I have always identified myself completely with my career and what I do.  It is all that I have so the type of work I do means everything.  I realize now I get that from my Nmom.  She only defines success and worthiness in terms of level of job or career, money, material things, power, fame, etc.  Although she should have long ago retired, she is stil working.  She has always made her job the number one and only priority in her life (obviously).  She's been with the same company her whole life and likes being the center of attention there.  She can't understand literally the kinds of problems and heartaches people experience as a result of today's workplace and economy.  She has no empathy at all.  She never respected or valued what I did for a living or who I am.  From the day I graduated from college, she tried to get me to pursue jobs in a field she thought I should be in (not in the area I received my degree in).

The result of this Nmom focus is that I have always identified myself completely with what I do for a living.  Since I lost my job, I have interviewed extensively.  Now here is my predicament.  I recently received a job offer.  It is for a position I really have no interest in for a company that is not the kind of environment I wanted to be in.  It's a decent level position but doesn't allow me to do the kind of work I wanted.  I so want to turn it down but common sense dictates that I take it just to take it and keep looking.  In addition to this self-identity issue, I recognize that I also suffer from typical depressive thinking (either/or, black/white, negative self-talk).  I equate what I do to who I am.  If it's less than what I think I should do (as this position is), I get even more depressed and feel like a total failure.  This is where I'm at now.

In the meantime, I've been interviewng for other positions and waiting to hear about next steps.  These would be more appropriate positions for me.

So I'm lost and sad and feeling like a total loser.  I can so identify with Bones.  I have lost all confidence in myself and interest in anything, including potential work.

Has anyone noticed they have experienced these kinds of career issues as a result of their N parent's beliefs.

[changing]

Hello Sunblue-

You are so much more than jobs or exteriors could ever encompass. Those of us who are fortunate enough to be born to spiritual parents are nurtured in this from our very marrow out. Those of us who are not, must search for this truth in the world, but it is there for us if we look. Then we can nurture ourselves in it. Even if others deny it and punish us for seeing the truth, like the Inquisition did to those who dared say that the sun did not rotate about the earth, it is still the truth.
I hope very much that you find the career that you seek, but even more I hope that you find the truth about your own limitless intrinsic worth.
By the way, our Bones is a fine example of human dignity and strength, and I am glad that you can see her methods of getting through the things that come at her- she is wonderful (so are you)!!!

Love,

Changing

[lighter]

Hey Sun:

What Changing said and...

It's easier to find a job, when you have a job, for some reason.

You'll also meet people and open doors that would other wise remain closed to you.

Sometimes life offers us lessons and opportunities, that don't look like either, but there they are.

Think of this job as opportunity, not something negative.

This is your life's journey, not just a job. 
Congrats on the job.... even if it's not exactly what you wanted.

Maybe you'll meet, and impress, the person who'll lead you to the right job?

[gratitude28]

Sun,
I am in the same boat. My mother enjoys asking me if I enjoy my time at home. She can't fathom that I miss work and miss that daily interaction and my pride in my work. She contributes nothing to her existence.
I have worked outside of my field for a long time. I am trying to get a job in my field now, and it has not been as easy as in the past. I am feeling a bit down about it too. I am looking into other jobs, but I also don't know if I feel like doing something again that is mundane... But I may have to.
I guess, Sun, it depends on your financial situation as to whether you should take the other job while you are looking.
Thanks for bringing up the topic. It feels nice to know I am not alone.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Sun.
  This is just an intuitive feeling-- Take it or leave it. I think that you should take the job that was offered
  I don't have a logical explanation for it. Maybe,logically you should NOT take it.
  However,I think that this job will give you a boost now and then you will be able to see better what to do as the next step.I think that this job will be a step in getting "un stuck" I am glad that you are posting                      Love Ami

[Iphi]

Has anyone noticed they have experienced these kinds of career issues as a result of their N parent's beliefs.

In a word... YES!!!  I am so glad you wrote this post.  I've learned 2 things from it that I have never clarified on my own.  The first is from whence comes my strong desire to identify myself with a job, something I wrestle with constantly and know is irrational... but it sticks.  The second is the realization that my thinking on this subject is still more habitually depressive than I realized.  It takes a lot of work over time to hunt down and repattern those thought patterns.  And a third lightbulb is reflecting upon my dad and his career identification and that this is just a personal thing and not a Law of the Universe that we all are subject to.

I was just obsessing with this subject again this morning on my way in to work and then popped in quickly over the coffee to read and here is your post.  I'm so glad you didn't go away sunblue, and not just because your post is an eye opener for me, but because I value your presence and company.

It sounds like you are in a field like unto academia where highly qualified people are routinely shut out.  My H originally desired to be a professor and spent several years and hundreds and hundreds of applications - nothing.  Nada.  He ended up in business instead, but you know he says he feels happy and interested in his work.  He turned a corner and found new horizons.

In past job searches I've sunk into anxious depression over just weeks and under 100 resumes.  It is so triggering.  I also constantly feel like I am "bothering" people with my resumes, emails and calls.  I have an enormous, disruptive problem with that "bothering" feeling (social issues too).  

So far, I have found that any area in which I gain awareness of the issues and problems is an area that is suddenly open for improvement.  

I would never have focused on this FOO issues had it not been for the dysfunction in my thoughts and actions regarding jobs and social life.  I would have just tried to 'drive on.'

My initial thought sunblue is to take the job for the $$ and also to make a statement to yourself and your unsconscious that you are open to the future and to the unknown.  That probably sounds silly but one never knows.  I met my H shortly after making just such a statement.  However, you need the $$ and you need time away from your FOO.  You can always keep looking and it may be that you will meet people who can help you further your search.  It's not the end, it's not home base, but it will put you in motion and 'in motion' is where you need to be.  My 0.02.

[Bella_French]

Dear Sunblue,

 I kind of hit a `wall' too, after about 7-10  years in my field, when I reached a certain level of experience in my career & I was no longer suited to `junior-ish' type positions.  It came as a bit of a shock, as I had never had problems with gaining positions in my field as a junior. My early experiences in job hunting were along lines of `oh look, this job sounds interesting'. So I'd go to the  interview, and get the job, just like that!

Upon reflection, I think its just a totally different playing field when the kind of jobs you apply for are more interesting, pay more, and have any kind of power attached to them. This is where you start competing with power mongers, narcissists, and professional `impression managment' types, who specialize in power, and want it desperately. Plus the competition is fierce from company `insiders', who have climbed the ladder and have their eyes on these more powerful  jobs.

In my field, the problem was so bad that it took me 3 whole years (!)  before I found another permanent job, and in the beginning it was only casual and seemed temporary. I had good fortune, in that the job turned out to be much better than I hoped, and became full time. It was the best job I could have ever imagined, until 3 years later and was assign an abusive N superviser, and i eventually resigned.

I kind of `solved' my career problems by starting up my own business, but I started it when i was still employed and had some security and income to launch the business. It went better than expected, in a short time frame, so I was able to quit my job with in about 18 months after starting it. I don't think I could ever go back to workforce and all that competition. If I was earning the kind of money I am now in the workforce, I'd be constantly pulling knives out of my back and the stress wouldn't be worth it.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this is what's going on for you in your career, but if it is, I just wanted to let you know its kind of normal and understandable. Perhaps it would help if you thought about your situation more long term?

Hugs, and much love,
X Bella

[Hopalong]

Yoicks, Sun, I thought I posted to you this a.m., but I must've hit the wrong button. Sorry.

I would just offer: take the job now, for the money, because security is a key piece of self-care (and lots of women neglect that part too). And also keep your options open for the future, and look, and be receptive.

I hope you may find that some period in this job may give you chances for thinking and growing that a "perfect professional fit" job would not.

I know until I intentionally decided to feel open and let go of my negative predictions, nothing good happened. And then in the oddest way, this job did...and I'm enjoying it tremendously. Overall, I've found that the private sector has been more exciting to be than government positions, which are outlined by bureaucrats and tend not to reward creativity or problem-solving. Or good communication skills, unless it's PR.

I agonized over ageism, being over-qualified, and all that...until my contracts and grants finally evaporated and there was no choice but to open myself to something new. And then I freelanced for a local "green" business that turned out to be going national via the Web and well-reviewed, and now the business is growing like gangbusters and I'm a big part of that. So it's very satisfying, a great fit that began in a simple marketing/retail kind of post.

VERY odd to go from scientific grant editing to a store, but what a joyful difference it's made to me! I wish you a new transition that is full to positive surprise. One key for me was that I was driven by security fears, and my fears kept me closed. Once I let it go, one day, and acknowledged that just as the dire things I was always brooding about could happen, GOOD things could happen too...they did. Not pronto, but they did.

I'll be very interested to hear how this experience shakes out for you, Sun.

Hops

[sun blue]

Hello all:

To everyone who responded, thank you so much for taking the time.  I really appreciated reading all your perspectives and opinions.

I have not had a good day here.  Cried most of the day.  Got zero sleep last night.  Agonizing over the decision which I was able to put off today but have to give an answer on tomorrow.  I hear what you've said about being open to new situations and possibilities.  I do understand that.  But I also know that wouldn't be the case with this place.  It is a very small (fewer than 20 people) association with few resources and funding.  I could do the job very well and know I would bring a lot to the table.  Unfortunately, the reverse is just not true.  My position would report directly to the president so there is no "advancement" opportunities.  And in response to someone's comment, only one guy there so no social opportunities really.  It is in a different industry than my area of work so it couldn't open any doors for me really in that regard.  I say this because I'm familiar with this kind of environment.  It just is what it is.  While I don't expect the "perfect" job, I had hoped for one where I could learn something new that would make getting the next job easier.  That's not the case here either.

On the one hand, it would be nice to finally get a job and move forward.  But I also know that I would continue to look and it would make interviewing difficult, very difficult.  So, very realistically, other than a paycheck, it's a dead-end opportunity and not one I could be excited about.  But it is a job.

Also, I don't know why except that I was seriously depressed today, but I mentioned to my parents (N mom and co-dependent dad) I had to make this decision and I was very uncertain.  My Nmom virtually ignored me and instead asked me to write a letter for her for her job.  My dad listened but didn't offer anything.  I really wish I had a support network to discuss all the pros and cons with.  

I don't know what I'm going to do really.  I seriously feel physical pain over agonizing over this.  I try to say to myself that these other jobs I'm in the middle of interviewing for might come through.  But it's a risk.  I don't know.  I'm so tired and depressed and sad.  It's so disconcerting that after all my effort and experience, I would end up with so little and nothing that would interest me.  

Anyway, thanks for weighing in.  It's nice of you all to let me vent.  Feeling like a big fat loser today.

Thanks!

[axa]

Well, if it is important to have the dollars, I would take a job to pay the bills but something which might be interesting to do would be to sit down and write a description of your dream job, then break it down, have you the qualifications? What do you need to do to get such a job?  Would you have to be employed by someone else or could you start something on a small scale yourself.  I think pushing the boundaries and really acknowleging to yourself what you would like awakens some kind of energy which moves you along.

Just wondering,

axa

[Iphi]

Hang in there sun blue.  Whatever you decide will not be the Ultimate Decision, so either way, there will be another day and another new situation.  I've been right where you are in that big fat loser frame of consciousness.  I used to sing that song "don't worry about a thing, because every little thing is going to be alright."  Hey, it made me feel kind of better.  Be your own friend.

And my thoughts re another aspect of your post - I hope you didn't write anything at the behest of your mom, that bloodsucker.  Pffft to her!  Pffft!  Thffffpppththhthpt!   

[Bella_French]

That is so true Iphi; And I've often found myself humming that exact same tune! Its so upbeat.

Dear Sunblue, i think your feelings are so understandable. This is a big decision and affects your security and financial wellbeing; it is perfectly natural to feel very stressed about `survival' type of needs. You are not loser at all; you're just very good at what you do and experienced, which makes finding the right job a bit tougher.

I wish you the best, and like Iphi said; this is not the `ultimate' decision or your only chance at having a job.  Its just a opportunity that has come your way, for you to consider or disregard. You will be ok; things always look dark before the light comes out (sorry about the cliche, but its always been true for me)

Hugs to you!
X bella

[Hopalong]

Hi Sun,
Even if it turns out to be (for you, personally) just an interim position, it's still okay to take it.
You might for just a few months bring so much to the table that you'd leave the place better than you found it.

I've had a couple of those waaaaay-off-career-track positions, and I would leave them off my resume later on.

It all worked out, and I know it can for you too.

This is triggering all that identity stuff for you, isn't it. And it's quite painful.
Maybe it's hard to pull back and see that if you choose it, you're not walking into a trap.

But if you feel you have a very good chance at other posts, and if it feels too personally harmful
to say Yes, then say No.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself in advance if you choose "wrong."

It's just a choice. It's not a measure of your worth. It's a choice you get to make.
You will not be judged.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

I'll repeat it Sun...

It's easier to find a job...

when you have a job.

People like to snap up other people's employees... not sure why  

::shrug::

On that note... it's also easier to feel good about ourselves when we're being industrious and rewarded for our efforts.

When I say....'opening doors' I mean any number of doors.... business opportunities.... friends.... there's any number of white rabbits hopping around any given area... coffee shop.... grocery store.... just impossible to see how far a decision will affect us. 

Just look around and you'll see them, the white rabbits... they don't live in your home.... they're on the outside just waiting to be spotted and followed.