tryin again...sorry I tried to post in the middle of a different topic

[reallyME]

Recently, I posed a question to someone and, I wasn't thinking, but I probably could pose it here and get some input as well...not to invalidate the one I originally asked, but it's nice to get a variety of views on some topics.

I was wondering, if there is someone who exhibits similar behavior that wounds or alienates others, how does a group of that person's friends, get together and confront them.  I know at first, the one person needs to go to them, but if that person is not heard, then the group needs to say "no, so and so is right.  We've seen this with you too and you need to work on changing this."

How would a person do this without the person being confronted, feeling ganged up on?

I have run into this situation in my life in the past and I've been wondering about it since then, because I'm a confronter, and there have been times that people crossed my path, saying they were wounded by the same behaviors.  I never really knew how to approach the situation.

Help?

~Laura

[cats paw]

RM,

   Just to reply in general, I think it's one of the things being discussed, in a way, all over the board.  I think this is a bit   
   different than an intervention for an alcoholic, what you're asking?

   I think the first place to start is to try our best to first examine our own motives, which in itself can be tricky.

   Dandylife made some good points about communication.
   
   Sorry for no concrete a-b-c ideas.  Perhaps someone else will have something to add.   

cats paw

[Iphi]

Honestly, I'm an avoider and I'd probably let it go, so I'm not sure how much help I would be.    

Some people have really wonderful confronting skills though, where instead of throwing the confrontee on the defensive the confrontee feels acknowledged and seen.  It's a wonderful skill.  I guess it is called empathic confrontation and it looks like some googling brings up some really good looking stuff on the topic.

[Ami]

I think that confronting someone is very hard for people who come from abusive families.One thing that I do in real life is to decide if the relationship is important to me. If it is not,I will not confront  the person..
  If the relationship IS important,I will try to be gut level honest with myself ,first. Then, when I am honest about my feelings,I will express them  to the person in as honest a way as I can.To me,if you can't be honest you might as well not even have a  relationship.
.
                                                      Love   Ami

[reallyME]

I guess that was my reason for asking...if you can't be honest you can't have a relationship.  Many of you have tried to confront people in your lives, to tell them that they hurt you, and you have various outcomes from that.

I"d also like to know how you all have received it when people have come to YOU about having hurt them.

I know my first reaction is to get defensive and then I consider it and go back and try to work things out if they can be and if it's in my and their best interest to.

[isittoolate]

Yeah!

I wonder if Cinderella ended up like us and required therapy to be able to relate to her Handsome Prince???.........???

I wonder if she maintained No Contact with her step-mother and the 3 daughters.

That would make for a good sequel for teaching youngsters about the crap Narcisissm.

Izzy

[attachment deleted by admin]

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

I wonder if Cinderella ended up like us and required therapy to be able to relate to her Handsome Prince???.........???

I wonder if she maintained No Contact with her step-mother and the 3 daughters.

That would make for a good sequel for teaching youngsters about the crap Narcisissm.

Good idea.  I move that the Izzication Board retro fit the curriculum to include this!

tt

[reallyME]

Actually, as I recall the story, Cinderella ended up moving the step-mother and step-sisters in with her.

[isittoolate]

Depends on which version one read!

EDIT] oh!............... thanks tt

[bliss]

That person may have a subconscious desire to be left alone.  Their boundaries may be touched and if they are not a confronter they might state their mind and then leave, thus slamming the door and walking away as if to say, "I have had enough! And I don't wish to discuss this any further right now (or ever)!"  The bigger question would be why you would want to maintain any kind of relationship with them.  If they wish to be left alone, then leave them alone.  Those that seem passive agressive to those with a bolder approach to confrontation don't always stay and duke it out.  That they consistantly wound and then leave, would spell out that they feel trapped and want out.  Just my perspective. 

[reallyME]

That they consistantly wound and then leave, would spell out that they feel trapped and want out.  Just my perspective. 

makes sense

[reallyME]

The trouble with interpreting the actions of the passive-aggressive person, though, is that they are rarely constant, so it's often hard to know what they are really feeling, until it all tends to blow up.

[teartracks]

Ooops.  Posted to wrong thread.  Deleted here, moved there.