Does any of this make sense?

[isittoolate]

I never expected to begin a new thread. I was reading on the Internet and began to think--but maybe I ought stop thinking! Please read,

Who said we use only 5% of our brain.? Does the other 95% hold all our memories and information to pull up at will? Or data that makes us remember automatic movements/reactions. Or data that if we had a shovel and could get in there we would want to just throw it out--but--it might be affecting the new data that is being filtered in--does this new data, on a same topic, overwrite the old data, like a computer file?

That’s how I feel. That there is only a small amount of information in my 5% and there is so much more that is untapped.

I think of misplacing something and I cannot find it. If I sit quietly and retrace my steps (read--go back into the (recent) past that is stored in the 95% because IT knows) and then I remember where I placed the item.

My intellectual side and my emotional side may have developed at different times in my life, and are likely in the 95% room. I wonder if I can ‘will’ them to join together, and I wonder if I am talking total nonsense here.

Because I feel I cannot pull up so much emotion from my past, it cannot join with this intellectual side.

I sense I don’t want to take all my time pulling up 68 years! (Therefore stop paying $106.00 an hour.) I will just be the intelligent, trustworthy, hard working person that everyone knows, but they don’t know my life story, for the rest of my non-Alzheimer’s life.

When I pull up memories they are all sad. For the life of me, I cannot remember happy memories.(I might see the beginning, like where someone was standing, but then the rest is gone,) Maybe they aren’t any, or I dumped them because  the result turned out wrong. so ‘happy’ was not right a right way to live.

I am always for the underdog. What is the meaning behind that?

I read a post (sun blue’s) she says “I just want to explode and cry and throw and tantrum and scream, "How could you do this to your own? Why don't you care?" (re her parents.)

I have yet to respond to her and know her age, but this is something I never knew when I needed to know. Why did I not know that I could explode, cry, throw tantrums and beg for attention from my parents?

I have been cheated from when I didn’t even know.

Izzy

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[cats paw]

Hi Izzy,

   Did any of your siblings do any of this with your parents?

cats paw

[isittoolate]

Hi C-P-

no! None of us did. I don't think they knew either!

[lighter]

Ahhhh, Izzy....

It burns my stomach thinking about you....

 so small.... and not being safe enough to be a happy kid: /

The stuff about ising a small part of our gray matter.... we can put a man on the moon but.... we still don't know much about the human brain: /

What's up with that?

[Ami]

Dear Izzy,
 As I contact my inner child,I am amazed at the depth of wisdom there. To answer your question about why you(or I) did not rage, throw tantrums etc-------B/c it was NOT safe. We knew ,inside us, that we could  get really  hurt if we were "normal" kids with normal kid responses like brattiness etc. We had to shove all those natural kid responses down deep so they would not come up and result in our getting hurt.
  We lived in danger. The little kid part was "pushed away". What happens ,though, is that when we get out of danger, we have decided that the little kid part is 'bad" so WE push it away still.
 So, we are out of touch with all our deep feelings and perceptions. WE are now the "bad parent " to our little kid. Our inner child is stuck in there b/c we have not welcomed it to come forward.
 I am slowly getting mine to talk to me and it is really amazing what she says. She is so 'smart". Everyone's inner child is smart, funny and  wonderful.
   Unburying them is the hard part                           Love  Ami

[cats paw]

Izzy,

  I don't think you're talking total nonsense.  Happy was not a right way to live , you said.

  Who was the most under, underdog and was not happy, in your recollection?

cp

[isittoolate]

Ah lighter
Who knows what I'm talking about? Well like triggers that 'pull up' a thought you had forgotten for 20 years. Where was it? in the 5% or the 95%.

Ah Ami
I don't knnow your age, but you must be in the middle, with sons at 20. I am happy for you that you found your inner child. I have been trying for 5 years and there is one AWFUL block to it and other things that I don't have to time to explore with a therapist. I don't want to live my last years going there, but I am still interested in how things work.
" Unburying them is the hard part "     

ah catspaw
As far as I remember I was the underdog, therefore that statement I expect---so at hocky games etc. always the underdog.

I am still not depressed. I feel like I am in school and have a whole bunch of teachers on this board!!!!

Love
Izzy

[cats paw]

Izzy,

   I loved school, and teachers made a big difference in my life.  There is a lot of teaching here, for sure.

   Going to sign off momentarily and go watch the TV Izzy on Grey's Anatomy !

cp

[finding peace]

Hi Izzy,

You asked:

Why did I not know that I could explode, cry, throw tantrums and beg for attention from my parents?

Is it because you knew that you couldn't?

One of my earliest memories was being really upset about something, and my father screaming at me:  “Shut up or I will really give you something to cry about.” 

I shut up instantaneously because I knew the threat was good, and rarely cry to this day.  Perhaps something like this went on for you, but it is locked away or it occurred too early for you to remember?

You also asked why you can’t remember the good memories.  I asked my T this once.  I don’t know if his answer is the correct one, but it did make sense to me, he said that with good memories, the mind gets closure in the situation.  With bad memories, the mind keeps cycling to try to obtain understanding or resolution.  When the traumatic even occurs in childhood, the child's mind doesn't have the wherewithal to reach understanding.  And so, to survive as a child, in some cases, the conscious memories shut down, but the memory is still alive in the unconscious and the mind is still cycling trying to get closure (maybe he was talking about that 95%?).

I don't know, except that I have struggled with the same questions.

Much love to you,
Peace

[isittoolate]

Thank you FP
What a good response for me!
I forgot that I thought once about happy memories being resolved and that is why I have only the negative ones.
(and I know that likely there are other things I've thought or learned that I forgot and wonder 'where they are")

As far and yelling at Dad and Mom to give me some attention, I still swear I never knew I was entitled to attention,---to hugging and loviing and playing together etc.--and that I could "demand" it. The beatings went into our teens and I still didn't know those words or my entitlement.

I saw my sister being beaten and we stood and watched and never said a thing. This happened a lot and none of us ever stepped in and tried to stop him, or yelled, or demanded. I feel sick about those times, especially when we were teens and never said a thing. I don't think any of us knew!

The age factor is one that I think we were all hit/beaten early on and maybe all of us hid it. My eldest sister. up to 1994. used to have feelings of floating on the ceiling, looking down at our old parlour, hearing a baby crying and Mom saying, "That's enough." The story behind that came out -----she was only 9 months old, and it was the day of Dad's brother's funeral. When she  learned the truth, she stopped the floating. she was dressed and ready for the funeral, fell over on the chesterfield and began to cry so Dad was beating her.

Something else came to mind. My age, the one roomed school house for 8 grades, the smaller high school with 2 rooms, one for Gr.9 &10, the ither Gr11&12 and then change high schools for grade 13.

Education was so different when my daughter was in school. I was 17 and didn't know what the word remuneration meant.

....and I had no imagination for writing essays about my feelings, or stories. I can only write about what I know or think.

Love
Izzy

[Bella_French]

Dear Izzy,

Hugs to you; you sound a little down today. I hope we can make you feel a bit better.

In response to the `using 5% of your brain', well I only use 1% of my brain, and for the rest I just use google (and sometimes my partner as backup). And oddly I'm regarded as smart, lol.

I detach from the past a lot too, especially the feelings. I think history is great for learning, but I like to focus on what I can create today, and tomorrow. That is more constructive to me, I guess. The past is gone, Izzy, and you have learned so much from it, so in that way i would regard your past as a success.

Anyway, i hope you feel better soon.

X Bella



 

[Hopalong]

I have been cheated from when I didn’t even know.

Oh, Izz. I felt such a pang of sadness when I read those lines.

But Peace brought hope  ...it makes sense!!!!!

I am wondering if once this dad-gum pressure sore and healing leg business is taken care of (and sooner!) if you could just go on a deliberate campaign to create happy present experiences? Things you haven't done before? I keep thinking of art. You can sometimes access emotion through other routes than thinking and talking about them. For example, spread newspapers all over your DR table, get yourself a generous quantity of fingerpaints, and go to town. Do it every week. Look at the picture you make.

See what their shapes and colors say to you.

There are sooooooooo many things like this you can do and sometimes they will unexpectedly unlock a box.

(And even if they don't, it's good for you regardless, and you'd be creating new memories of happiness, absorption in the present pleasure. Noticing the amazement of color, the way the paint feels under your fingers, the textures of the papers you use.)

I went through a mad period with papier mache once, make wild-looking busts for my friends. Then painted them. Another time, another city, I went crazy with pastels and did 14 self portraits in a row and covered the walls with them.

No training needed. No talent certificate.

Izzy there has to be a tiny bubble of fizzy somewhere inside that's ready to rise.

I say ALL HAIL YOU.

love, lots of it to you and a big hug and a harmonica,
Hops

[isittoolate]

hi Bella

No I am not down, I am fine. I am no longer in therapy so am just thinking about things I don't know.

That's funny  "use 1% plus Google"---gee I google a lot as well.

Now I want to not even have to refer to the past. I want to know where it is stored though, so I won't be surprised if it hits me!

I broke my tib and fib
and am wearing a long long cast
My lover kissed me, my knees went weak
And my leg was crushed by my as*


Oh hiya Hops

Did you forget my hobby is writing lyrics and setting them to my own music and usually they are based on the truth but with artistic license so I can rhyme.

I am fine.
Read my post to Bella, above?

I take things in my stride--once they have happened I cannot go back. but if life was like this Board and something was wrong, we could delete the post!

Yes I was cheated  and that could make me sad too if I allowed it, but I won't it's just a fact now.
Anything I write would be sad, but it is not getting to me. My interest though is psychology, the mind, brain, whatever because I have been analyzing, mainly me, since I was 15............likely drawing wrong conclusions.

So.................................

My foot was turned right backward
And I screamed in terrible pain
Then came the ambulance and firetrucks
"Good Lord it's Izzy!.... Not her again!

This is my third cast. This is the same leg for a long one. It was winter and I was stuck in the house in Ontario. The second was my left ankle and I had a Robo-boot and got around fine as I practiced and now this one---------every week call a cab, go to bone clinic, take off cast, check leg and foot, x-ray, re-cast, call a cab and go home.

Thanks for thinking of me, youse guys

Love Izzy

[Bella_French]

Sorry to have misinterpreted Izzy, Thanks for explaining your feelings to me, and I am glad you are feeling introspective, but in a happy way.

X Bella

[lighter]

Izzy,

   I loved school, and teachers made a big difference in my life.  There is a lot of teaching here, for sure.

   Going to sign off momentarily and go watch the TV Izzy on Grey's Anatomy !

cp

SO YOU MISSED UGLY BETTY?!?!???  What were you think'in?!?!??