Latest note from my mother

[Michelle]

Man, she is smooth - she slides those little comments in there so smoothly that I had to reread it and say "WTF does that mean?"  Thanks for letting me share this with you! I put the bullshit in bold for your reading convenience.  

I got my pictures that I ordered this week from Shutterfly, they were so good, and i really got a lot of pictures for $29.00. Actually  I got some for the boys too. Your youngest brother (name deleted) came up here and brought me something for Mothers day and I got a card from your middle brother & his wife (name deleted) but he forgot to sign it oh well thats typical of those two. ha  I really am missing you and the babies and hope you will soon recover from what ever it is you are mad at me for. I still cant believe  you are acting this way because I thought you were much more mature than that. Well I gotta run Steve and  I  are going to check some property out in  Ringgold this evening as soon as he gets home from work. Kim is having a housewarming party tomorrow too that her mother and sister are giving her so  I  gotta go get her a gift certificate too . I do love you michelle and Im just sorry you dont realize it. love mama


She loves me?  SHE loves ME?  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  BULLSHIT!  

That BITCH doesn't know what love is!!!!!!
fjdkasl;fjkdsla;fjadslkfjdslkfjdsa;fkldsjakfl;dsfkkdafsjdk I am so mad right now!

[Singer]

Wow, that really sounds familiar. My mother never puts anything in writing, but I've heard the same words especially the following part.

...hope you will soon recover from what ever it is you are mad at me for.

That's classic. Notice the finger pointing, "you", and the denial of responsibility "...what ever it is..." Not only didn't she do anything, but whatever it was is too trivial to remember.

I heard this part too...

I do love you...and Im just sorry you dont realize it.

The bad news is that it seems that you have something that she wants, access to the grandchildren and the desire to stop you from making others aware that she's caused you pain. The funny thing is that by saying , "I do love you.." she's admitting that something has actually occurred to make you believe otherwise.

In my experience, when the children are grown she won't need to be so conciliatory and that's when all hell really breaks loose.

But at least you're aware of what's going on, so that gives you an advantage now.

Stay strong!

Singer

[Spirit]

Hi Michelle

You are very right and I am so glad that you are able to see right through her lies. The subtle way they slide in their comments is always so annoying ! Ther easiest way I found to identify lies is to substitute 'you ' with 'I' in their comments.. and sometimes it shows howmuch dishonest they are about themselves !

Once about two years ago I got so fed up with my fathers lying and my mother's non involvment to communicate with me in any way, I asked them to write to me after an emotional scene to 'tell me openly 10 secrets or lies which they have told me so far in their lifes"

After many days of thought my dad could not think up of more than two or three secrets. One of the most striking secret which he was willing to disclose to me included ' I love your mom  and we fell in love and got married and I am not sure if I told you that '     Even there he couldnt call her his wife !!!!!! and they are still living together ( read sharing the same living space ) after 43 yrs of married life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of the other usual drivel I get from him from him include..

' You are going through a bad phase in your life I think '
" your mom loves you so much and you wont know how much she loves you ' ( but I wonder why she never bothered to conytact me even once since I left home on good terms at that time )
' Treat me as your friend. I am like one of your friends'
'Don't trust your relatives( sometimes friends ) most of them are jealous of you'
"they are jealous of you because you are lucky.. your frends don't have a father who will treat their son as a friend"
" there is a cloud over your head limiting your vision.. don't listen to anyone who might try to help you "
" I admire your courage.. thats why I know you wont ask for anyones help ( other than me )'
' your mom is sick... she would be disappointed in you"
"you are gifted. don't fall for any jealous and schemeing relatives who might try to help you'
' you are special and you always have me.. don't worry. The woman you want will come begging to you "
' You know me . I am never demanding like your friends parents. I am like your friend"
"you are very sensitive. you are over reacting.. don't get influenced by those thought that some friends or relatives might be thrusting on you cos they are jealous of us "
" you won't like me saying this but you are too sensitive.. like your mom.. she has spoilt you" ( she rarely talks to me aven when I was a kid )



Hhahahahahaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

He is a good script writer. When ever he says 'you' I substitute it for him. Is that the falsified imge he has about HIMSELF !!! and all these time I was thinking it was me !!

When ever he wanted to impose something he used 'your mother's name. talking of owning responsibility ?

hahahahahaha

What is the solution ???????
identifying LIES wherever you see them. Sometimes I think asking them to own responsibility helps.

Sometimes asking her to own up might help. It took me long to try ( and still I couldnt bring myself to ask them to own up to many things ) just a few..and it failed cos I got the standard reply  

But atleast it has reduced some of my burden.. and I found atleast a tiny bit of my voice back !

keep strong
Spirit

[Anonymous]

Michelle,

I don't see her as smooth at all. She seems crudely narcissistic and self-involved. I'm sorry you had to receive such a lowdown missive from her.

bunny

[Singer]

Hi Michelle,

I'm back again because something about the note from your mother has been bothering me and I thought I'd stop trying to distract myself and think about it.

I think it's the tone of the letter,  that of a busy adult trying to reason with a difficult child. People change as they get older, and the N Mother is heavily invested in keeping the status quo. The period of time that I had the least difficulty with my mother was when I was most involved with my own children. I didn't have time for her nonsense, although I couldn't have put that into words; but I think she realized it on a very basic level.  If she wanted to have contact with the kids she was going to have to make an effort to behave as though I was an adult whether she believed it or not.

I don't know if that's any help to you, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Seems to me that your instincts are correct. As parents ourselves, we HAVE to change. We can't remain in the same roles, and the frustration level rises as they attempt to put us back in our place and stay in charge.

Just some thoughts,  now back to the dishes...

Singer

[Dawning]

Hi Michelle,

I've gotten similarly worded missives.  What I am starting to wonder is how much of it is a reaction to mine's own insecurities and has nothing to do with me at all.  But I still hate hearing this sugr-coated bu*lshit.  Stay grounded and stay in tune with your own voice.

Singer wrote:

The funny thing is that by saying , "I do love you.." she's admitting that something has actually occurred to make you believe otherwise.

Wow!   Thanks for writing that.  It is very easy to understand but I could never get at the thought myself.  I may be chatting with mine soon and no doubt this kind of thing is going to come out of her mouth.  Now I see why it is so tiring to think about communicating with her when I have to read between the lines almost all the time.

[Singer]

Now I see why it is so tiring to think about communicating with her when I have to read between the lines almost all the time.

Exactly. With my mother it's like trying to carry on a conversation in a constantly shifting language that I feel like I should know. After all, I grew up on it.

But the older I get, the older it all gets. Why can't she EVER just say what she means? More to the point, when am I going to stop thinking it will happen? There comes a point where I have to realize that she isn't the only one who's being delusional.  

Singer

[Michelle]

Hi everyone -

Thanks for your encouraging words and great advice and insight.  Wow.  Today is another day and I just reread my post.  I am slightly embarrassed (although the "growing" part of me knows it was good I guess) to have had such a fit in front of everyone.  Progress?  Maybe - I have a hard time seeing that clearly though.



Singer -

The bad news is that it seems that you have something that she wants, access to the grandchildren and the desire to stop you from making others aware that she's caused you pain.

I never thought about it that way, but your right.  She does want the grandchildren.  As a matter of fact, I have no doubt that if it were just me and the hubby, she would have no problem writing me off for good for "treating her so badly".  Also, my middle brother's wife is expecting their first child.  According to him, she has already told them she is moving closer (and they have already started looking for property) so that she can raise the baby herself since she knows they can't do it themselves.  Unfortunately, he just sees her right now as loving us all "too much" which in his eyes is better than "not enough".  If you can believe this, he was the worst abused one of us all - by her anyway.  Total denial I guess.

In my experience, when the children are grown she won't need to be so conciliatory and that's when all hell really breaks loose.

So, her note was supposed to be "concialitory"?  Wow.  I didn't see it as that but I guess in her warped world it is.  

I'm back again because something about the note from your mother has been bothering me and I thought I'd stop trying to distract myself and think about it. I think it's the tone of the letter, that of a busy adult trying to reason with a difficult child. People change as they get older, and the N Mother is heavily invested in keeping the status quo. The period of time that I had the least difficulty with my mother was when I was most involved with my own children.

I'm not sure how to "discern" the tone of her letter.  It is no different from any other letter she has ever sent me when I am "treating her badly".  I guess my rebellion bothers her so much because she has noone else.  She has 3 children.  We all have our own lives.  My brothers live about half an hour away and I live on the other side of the US (thank you lord for small miracles).  She does not (nor to my knowledge has ever had) a single friend in her life.  Well, let me clarify that.  She had one friend from our church when I was in elementary school, but when the church found out she was having multiple affairs with married men, she was the outcast of the town and her one friend dumped her like hot crap.  So that is part of the problem.  She depends on us (and her husband) for everything.  Socialization, emotional support, blah blah blah.  Her favorite thing to say to me is "My God, Michelle, You've changed" and she's right.  I have only starting changing my relationship with her since about a year ago.  I don't do the things she wants me to anymore.  So I don't know how to translate the "busy adult" thing.  
I am opposite of you in one way, Singer.  I have had the MOST trouble from her since I have been busy with my own children.  Her favorite thing to say about how busy I am is:  "Well, since you are too busy for me with the children".  Like I would choose her over my children anyday.  Dream on lady.

More to the point, when am I going to stop thinking it will happen? There comes a point where I have to realize that she isn't the only one who's being delusional.

 

You know, my hubby said something along those lines to me when he got home and I read him the email.  He said, "Michelle, why are you surprised?  It's the same old crap everytime".  Don't take that as him not being supportive - he is my biggest support.  But he will also tell me like it is.  We have come to the conclusion that I have such a huge dream that one day I will have a "normal" mother, that I am in total shock everytime she does this.  How do I get past that dream?  


Spirit -
Wow!  Some of the quotes you posted from your dad were very familiar to me.  Kind of crazy, huh.  

He is a good script writer. When ever he says 'you' I substitute it for him. Is that the falsified imge he has about HIMSELF !!! and all these time I was thinking it was me !!

I never tried that - it was great advice.  That really does clarify alot, doesn't it.  

Sometimes asking her to own up might help.

How do you do that with a person who is not all "there"?  Confused on that one.  



Bunny -
You are a great support source on here and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say things in such a simple effective way.  Thank you for that.  



Dawning -

What I am starting to wonder is how much of it is a reaction to mine's own insecurities and has nothing to do with me at all.

BINGO!  BUT.........how do you start "acting" instead of "reacting"?  What is the secret?  I know it must be progress b/c I used to couldn't even see the difference.  I can see the difference now, but how do I NOT let that emotional abuse get to me?  How do I separate from it?  




~~michelle

[Anonymous]

BINGO!  BUT.........how do you start "acting" instead of "reacting"?  What is the secret?  I know it must be progress b/c I used to couldn't even see the difference.  I can see the difference now, but how do I NOT let that emotional abuse get to me?  How do I separate from it?  

(1) Emotional abuse would get to any of us. There is no way to feel nothing when abused. The trick is to let it only spoil our time for as short a duration as possible.

(2) There's nothing wrong with feeling an emotional reaction. Problems occur when we react with *behavior* that escalates the situation -- usually impulsively, without considering our options. You didn't actively respond to your mother. That means you succeeded in acting and not reacting (your action was to ignore her). Oh, if you take it out on your husband and children, that's not so great. But if you have an emotional reaction and DON'T ACT ON IT, that's okay. Just tell your therapist and get some support.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Michelle --

I think your deep anger at your mom is perfectly justified, and don't see any reason for you to be embarrassed. I think the "growing" part of you is right that expressing it is a good thing to do. You can't deal with it until you get it out there on the table.

We have come to the conclusion that I have such a huge dream that one day I will have a "normal" mother, that I am in total shock everytime she does this. How do I get past that dream?

I have had the same feeling about my mom. I think I kept expecting her to become "normal," and so in the past I've been shocked by her N behavior. I think I'm getting better at anticipating it -- which really means accepting that she will never change.

For me, getting past that dream is the key. Once you accept her for what she is, and stop thinking her N behavior is some temporary attack of brain fever, you can start planning ways of dealing with her. But it sure doesn't happen overnight. It sounds as though you are on the right path.

I agree with Singer about the tone of her message, and think it's very revealing of the way she thinks. "I have a busy life, but I have to deal with my incompetent sons and my immature daughter who has the ridiculous notion that I've done something wrong and that I don't love her, and is being mean to me by not celebrating Mother's Day and not letting me see my grandchildren. Since it's certainly not my fault, all I can do is wait for her to grow up and come to her senses."

That's what I hear her saying -- that you're deluded, and none of it is her fault. Her reference to being "mature" really rings a bell with me.  For my mom, being "mature" was the highest praise she could give me. Unfortunately, her definition of "mature" was me thinking like her and not challenging her in any way.

I agree with Bunny that not reacting at all is a step forward, and since I recall you're setting boundaries with your mom and are thinking of cutting off all contact, that may be the best way to go.

Another technique, if you do have any contact with her, is to refuse to get sucked into any kind of argument or justification with her by simply agreeing with her.
 

Her favorite thing to say to me is "My God, Michelle, You've changed" and she's right.  

Her favorite thing to say about how busy I am is: "Well, since you are too busy for me with the children".

Have you ever just said to these comments: "Yup, you're right." ?

And if she then launches into how selfish, thoughtless, etc., you are, could you say you won't accept her being abusive and you're hanging up (or not e-mailing for a while)?

I'm only suggesting these as possible new ways of thinking about interacting with her -- you have to do what works for you.

You've been through a lot and I'm very glad to hear your H is supportive. Hang in there --

Morgan

[Spirit]

Spirit -
Wow! Some of the quotes you posted from your dad were very familiar to me. Kind of crazy, huh.

I never tried that - it was great advice. That really does clarify alot, doesn't it.

Hi Michelle,

I am glad that it could be useful to you. Imagine an N saying "you are deluded. I am not sure what is influencing you agains't not loving me"

I would read it on her part as  " I am deluded. You are not sure what is influencing me agains't not loving you". She/he is giving a perfectly honest appraisal of herself ( and not you )   She is not only accepting that she is deluded but also that she doesn't love you but also accepts that she is not sure what is influencing her ( but hey you could give her a clue.. it is her falsified self ! ) Thats why she needs a therpist perhaps lol

Sometimes asking her to own up might help.

How do you do that with a person who is not all "there"? Confused on that one.

What I meant was asking her to own up obviously won't help her but it might help YOU ( and thats what matters most ) . I once got myself to write up letters about how I felt hurt about my dad which I didn't even post. But writing those, and sometimes preserving them and reading them later on makes me feel better ! Infact I guess I will start doing that again . Infact this forum helps a lot in that regard I guess, we all post on how we feel ! But imagine if you can tell it to her point blank ? It is equavalent to having the effect of posting 50 posts here i suppose !

[Michelle]

The trick is to let it only spoil our time for as short a duration as possible.

Problems occur when we react with *behavior* that escalates the situation -- usually impulsively, without considering our options. You didn't actively respond to your mother. That means you succeeded in acting and not reacting (your action was to ignore her). But if you have an emotional reaction and DON'T ACT ON IT, that's okay.

Thank you for clarifying all that Bunny.  You make things very easy to understand.  You are helping me to see that I am making progress----even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Thank you!
Michelle

[Michelle]

Hi Morgan -

I have had the same feeling about my mom. I think I kept expecting her to become "normal," and so in the past I've been shocked by her N behavior. I think I'm getting better at anticipating it -- which really means accepting that she will never change.

For me, getting past that dream is the key. Once you accept her for what she is, and stop thinking her N behavior is some temporary attack of brain fever, you can start planning ways of dealing with her.

Thanks very much for your advice.  You have really helped me to see my situation more clearly.  You are so right about expecting them to become normal one day.  If I can just show myself that she is not normal, I think that would be a huge breakthrough for me.  It is such a huge dream though.  I feel really sad to know that it just won't happen.  

I enjoy your comments.  Thanks for being so helpful.  

Michelle

[Michelle]

Spirit -

What I meant was asking her to own up obviously won't help her but it might help YOU ( and thats what matters most ) . I once got myself to write up letters about how I felt hurt about my dad which I didn't even post. But writing those, and sometimes preserving them and reading them later on makes me feel better ! Infact I guess I will start doing that again . Infact this forum helps a lot in that regard I guess, we all post on how we feel ! But imagine if you can tell it to her point blank ? It is equavalent to having the effect of posting 50 posts here i suppose !

thanks for clarifying that spirit.  
You are right - asking her to own up would really help me.  I wrote one letter to her in counseling so far, but it was in the very beginning and I wasn't 100% honest in it.  I hadn't developed a bond yet with my counselor and therefore kind of edited the whole letter.  I will do another one soon as now I feel much more comfortable with her.  

have a great night and thanks again!
Michelle