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Latest note from my mother

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Dawning:
Hi Michelle,

I've gotten similarly worded missives.  What I am starting to wonder is how much of it is a reaction to mine's own insecurities and has nothing to do with me at all.  But I still hate hearing this sugr-coated bu*lshit.  Stay grounded and stay in tune with your own voice.

Singer wrote:

--- Quote ---The funny thing is that by saying , "I do love you.." she's admitting that something has actually occurred to make you believe otherwise.
--- End quote ---


Wow!   Thanks for writing that.  It is very easy to understand but I could never get at the thought myself.  I may be chatting with mine soon and no doubt this kind of thing is going to come out of her mouth.  Now I see why it is so tiring to think about communicating with her when I have to read between the lines almost all the time.

Singer:

--- Quote from: Dawning --- Now I see why it is so tiring to think about communicating with her when I have to read between the lines almost all the time.
--- End quote ---


Exactly. With my mother it's like trying to carry on a conversation in a constantly shifting language that I feel like I should know. After all, I grew up on it.

But the older I get, the older it all gets. Why can't she EVER just say what she means? More to the point, when am I going to stop thinking it will happen? There comes a point where I have to realize that she isn't the only one who's being delusional.   :(

Singer

Michelle:
Hi everyone -

Thanks for your encouraging words and great advice and insight.  Wow.  Today is another day and I just reread my post.  I am slightly embarrassed (although the "growing" part of me knows it was good I guess) to have had such a fit in front of everyone.  Progress?  Maybe - I have a hard time seeing that clearly though.



Singer -

--- Quote ---The bad news is that it seems that you have something that she wants, access to the grandchildren and the desire to stop you from making others aware that she's caused you pain.
--- End quote ---


I never thought about it that way, but your right.  She does want the grandchildren.  As a matter of fact, I have no doubt that if it were just me and the hubby, she would have no problem writing me off for good for "treating her so badly".  Also, my middle brother's wife is expecting their first child.  According to him, she has already told them she is moving closer (and they have already started looking for property) so that she can raise the baby herself since she knows they can't do it themselves.  Unfortunately, he just sees her right now as loving us all "too much" which in his eyes is better than "not enough".  If you can believe this, he was the worst abused one of us all - by her anyway.  Total denial I guess.


--- Quote ---In my experience, when the children are grown she won't need to be so conciliatory and that's when all hell really breaks loose.
--- End quote ---


So, her note was supposed to be "concialitory"?  Wow.  I didn't see it as that but I guess in her warped world it is.  


--- Quote ---I'm back again because something about the note from your mother has been bothering me and I thought I'd stop trying to distract myself and think about it. I think it's the tone of the letter, that of a busy adult trying to reason with a difficult child. People change as they get older, and the N Mother is heavily invested in keeping the status quo. The period of time that I had the least difficulty with my mother was when I was most involved with my own children.
--- End quote ---


I'm not sure how to "discern" the tone of her letter.  It is no different from any other letter she has ever sent me when I am "treating her badly".  I guess my rebellion bothers her so much because she has noone else.  She has 3 children.  We all have our own lives.  My brothers live about half an hour away and I live on the other side of the US (thank you lord for small miracles).  She does not (nor to my knowledge has ever had) a single friend in her life.  Well, let me clarify that.  She had one friend from our church when I was in elementary school, but when the church found out she was having multiple affairs with married men, she was the outcast of the town and her one friend dumped her like hot crap.  So that is part of the problem.  She depends on us (and her husband) for everything.  Socialization, emotional support, blah blah blah.  Her favorite thing to say to me is "My God, Michelle, You've changed" and she's right.  I have only starting changing my relationship with her since about a year ago.  I don't do the things she wants me to anymore.  So I don't know how to translate the "busy adult" thing.  
I am opposite of you in one way, Singer.  I have had the MOST trouble from her since I have been busy with my own children.  Her favorite thing to say about how busy I am is:  "Well, since you are too busy for me with the children".  Like I would choose her over my children anyday.  Dream on lady.


--- Quote ---More to the point, when am I going to stop thinking it will happen? There comes a point where I have to realize that she isn't the only one who's being delusional.
--- End quote ---
 

You know, my hubby said something along those lines to me when he got home and I read him the email.  He said, "Michelle, why are you surprised?  It's the same old crap everytime".  Don't take that as him not being supportive - he is my biggest support.  But he will also tell me like it is.  We have come to the conclusion that I have such a huge dream that one day I will have a "normal" mother, that I am in total shock everytime she does this.  How do I get past that dream?  


Spirit -
Wow!  Some of the quotes you posted from your dad were very familiar to me.  Kind of crazy, huh.  


--- Quote ---He is a good script writer. When ever he says 'you' I substitute it for him. Is that the falsified imge he has about HIMSELF !!! and all these time I was thinking it was me !!
--- End quote ---


I never tried that - it was great advice.  That really does clarify alot, doesn't it.  


--- Quote ---Sometimes asking her to own up might help.
--- End quote ---


How do you do that with a person who is not all "there"?  Confused on that one.  



Bunny -
You are a great support source on here and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say things in such a simple effective way.  Thank you for that.  



Dawning -

--- Quote ---What I am starting to wonder is how much of it is a reaction to mine's own insecurities and has nothing to do with me at all.
--- End quote ---


BINGO!  BUT.........how do you start "acting" instead of "reacting"?  What is the secret?  I know it must be progress b/c I used to couldn't even see the difference.  I can see the difference now, but how do I NOT let that emotional abuse get to me?  How do I separate from it?  




~~michelle

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Michelle ---BINGO!  BUT.........how do you start "acting" instead of "reacting"?  What is the secret?  I know it must be progress b/c I used to couldn't even see the difference.  I can see the difference now, but how do I NOT let that emotional abuse get to me?  How do I separate from it?  

--- End quote ---


(1) Emotional abuse would get to any of us. There is no way to feel nothing when abused. The trick is to let it only spoil our time for as short a duration as possible.

(2) There's nothing wrong with feeling an emotional reaction. Problems occur when we react with *behavior* that escalates the situation -- usually impulsively, without considering our options. You didn't actively respond to your mother. That means you succeeded in acting and not reacting (your action was to ignore her). Oh, if you take it out on your husband and children, that's not so great. But if you have an emotional reaction and DON'T ACT ON IT, that's okay. Just tell your therapist and get some support.

bunny

Anonymous:
Hi Michelle --

I think your deep anger at your mom is perfectly justified, and don't see any reason for you to be embarrassed. I think the "growing" part of you is right that expressing it is a good thing to do. You can't deal with it until you get it out there on the table.


--- Quote ---We have come to the conclusion that I have such a huge dream that one day I will have a "normal" mother, that I am in total shock everytime she does this. How do I get past that dream?
--- End quote ---


I have had the same feeling about my mom. I think I kept expecting her to become "normal," and so in the past I've been shocked by her N behavior. I think I'm getting better at anticipating it -- which really means accepting that she will never change.

For me, getting past that dream is the key. Once you accept her for what she is, and stop thinking her N behavior is some temporary attack of brain fever, you can start planning ways of dealing with her. But it sure doesn't happen overnight. It sounds as though you are on the right path.

I agree with Singer about the tone of her message, and think it's very revealing of the way she thinks. "I have a busy life, but I have to deal with my incompetent sons and my immature daughter who has the ridiculous notion that I've done something wrong and that I don't love her, and is being mean to me by not celebrating Mother's Day and not letting me see my grandchildren. Since it's certainly not my fault, all I can do is wait for her to grow up and come to her senses."

That's what I hear her saying -- that you're deluded, and none of it is her fault. Her reference to being "mature" really rings a bell with me.  For my mom, being "mature" was the highest praise she could give me. Unfortunately, her definition of "mature" was me thinking like her and not challenging her in any way.

I agree with Bunny that not reacting at all is a step forward, and since I recall you're setting boundaries with your mom and are thinking of cutting off all contact, that may be the best way to go.

Another technique, if you do have any contact with her, is to refuse to get sucked into any kind of argument or justification with her by simply agreeing with her.
 

--- Quote ---Her favorite thing to say to me is "My God, Michelle, You've changed" and she's right.  

Her favorite thing to say about how busy I am is: "Well, since you are too busy for me with the children".
--- End quote ---


Have you ever just said to these comments: "Yup, you're right." ?

And if she then launches into how selfish, thoughtless, etc., you are, could you say you won't accept her being abusive and you're hanging up (or not e-mailing for a while)?

I'm only suggesting these as possible new ways of thinking about interacting with her -- you have to do what works for you.

You've been through a lot and I'm very glad to hear your H is supportive. Hang in there --

Morgan

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