The Passive-Aggressive Person...a Godly slant

[reallyME]

 
The Passive/Aggressive Personality
By Dr. Sidney Langston
The passive/aggressive personality is one of the most common psychiatric disorders. Its exact prevalence is difficult to estimate because of the number of subclinical and borderline cases and the number of cases with definite disability who fail to seek professional attention.

    A passive/aggressive person habitually reacts negatively to the express wishes of others, but usually demonstrates this resistance covertly rather than openly. The term “passive/aggressive” implies two assumptions about the cause of this type of recurring negative behavior:
1. The individual is afraid, unable, or unwilling to express aggression openly; or
2. The person has a pervasive feeling of hostility toward others.

    Passive/aggressive individuals are usually inwardly aggressive. Outwardly, they express their aggressive tendencies through a passive facade. Inwardly, they desire control over the events that affect their lives, but they fear that if they show this desire openly, they will be put down.

    This fear creates a strong defensiveness and outer phoniness, which eventually turns into anger. However, passive/aggressive individuals fear being vulnerable, so they repress their anger and express it in subtle, nonverbal, crafty ways.

How the Passive/Aggressive Personality Develops:
    The passive/aggressive personality develops when a child is being reared by at least one controlling parent. The second parent is often absent from or inactive in the home. This usually involves a domineering and controlling mother and an absent, weak or passive father (who may exhibit much different traits at work). Such parents overprotect their child, make excessive demands on him, respond to him with mixed reactions of acceptance and hostility and fail to meet his basic trust and dependency needs.

    All of this fosters a helpless and clinging attitude in the child and inhibits the development of independence. Expecting other people to gratify all his needs, the child grows up dependent on others to protect him and aid him in daily responsibilities. He tends to have a low tolerance for frustration and stress.

    This personality type develops as an expression of resentment against excessive parental demands. The parents usually do not allow the child to openly express hostility. The child then learns to meet unfulfilled needs and to vent anger and depression through more subtle means of rebellious behavior.

    Such children soon learn that negative behavior (nail biting, bed-wetting, eating problems, procrastination, pouting, obstructionism, stubbornness and intentional inefficiency) will at least get them attention. Passive/aggressive children also may cause problems at school, violate rules and fight frequently with other students. By their teenage years they may lean toward an antisocial personality, engage in delinquency, drug usage, and theft or other misdemeanors.

    Often the passive/aggressive assumes a role of chronic submissiveness and compliance, but beneath the unassuming facade may be a great deal of hostility and resentment. They find it difficult to say “no,” and they dislike making major decisions. They catch themselves making excuses for delayed decisions and behavior.

    Problems surface in their relationships with authority, with society's demands and with the needs of others in close, personal contacts. Feeling helpless, unwilling to be alone or make decisions, they look to others—usually to just one other person—for direction and to take responsibility on their behalf. They learn to accomplish their goals through passive manipulation.

The Balanced Passive/Aggressive
    The balanced passive/aggressive tends to serve and submit wholeheartedly and effectively to authority.

The Unbalanced Passive/Aggressive
    Unbalanced passive/aggressives tend to be stubborn, uncooperative, negativistic and frustrating when others ask something of them. Their favorite phrase is “yes, but . . .” When given advice, they usually set out to show that it won't work for them by following a “failure script.”

    Unbalanced passive/aggressives can also be overbearing, inconsiderate, late and careless in their work. They have a basic problem with anger or hostility, outbursts of temper, low self esteem, an unrewarding domestic life, tenuous friendships, little awareness that benefits must be earned and not just received and an ambivalent relationship with their mothers (protective or punitive).
 
Patterns of Behavior Often Exhibited in Passive/Aggressive Personalities:

Obstructionism – A passive/aggressive woman, for example, who is angry at her husband over an incident that happened on Saturday night, may be obstructive on Sunday morning by being late in getting ready for church, especially if her husband is compulsive about being on time. Without being consciously manipulative, she may be unable to find her lipstick or shoes, causing a delay, and passively expressing her aggression toward him.
Pouting – After a disagreement, a passive/aggressive person will pout and walk away. Frequently, the only comment will be, “I don't want to talk about it.”
Procrastination – A passive/aggressive son, when asked by his mother to mow the lawn, may express his hostility by putting it off or “dragging his feet.”
Intentional Inefficiency – When the son can no longer get by through procrastination, he may exhibit intentional inefficiency, another method of passively expressing aggression. He mows the yard, but intentionally does a poor job. If, as a result of that inefficiency, he is relieved of the task, he has learned how to avoid responsibility.
Addictive Behaviors – Rebellious behavior may later come in the form of excessive eating, drinking, smoking or the use of addictive substances. A majority of cases of both drug addiction and alcoholism stem from a passive/aggressive personality disorder. According to research and clinical findings in treating hundreds of alcoholics and drug addicts, more than half have strong passive/aggressive traits. The addictive habits do not have to involve substance abuse. Sometimes they are habits such as eating only certain kinds of food, sleeping more than ten hours a night, spending too much time alone, preoccupation with reading or any introversive activity which prevents them from spending time with others. These all result from the passive/aggressive’s lack of willpower in caring for his personal problems and the resulting dependency on others to solve his problems.
A sense of inadequacy and falling short of the traits they believe are needed for approval creates increasing psychological pressure, for which a person eventually will seek an outlet. When a healthy outlet cannot be found, the passive/aggressive will resort to an unhealthy one. People involved in any addictive habit are looking for some type of relief from current or long-term psychological stress.
People Pleasing – Because they need so much nurturing and cannot tolerate criticism, passive/aggressives seek to please those on whom they depend. The threat of any loss brings on anxiety. Unable to handle any personal tension, they seek an infantile and blissful state. They suffer anxiety when separated from their parents, sometimes developing a phobia to school and making a fuss to stay home. A passive/aggressive personality is often developed by the youngest child of the family, or by the youngest child of his or her sex. When passive/aggressives grow up, they may perform well when told what to do, but still have difficulty in making decisions. Most of them feel inferior and unable to measure up to standards of independence and make mature choices on their own. They were taught, often unconsciously by their parents, to depend on others to make hard decisions and take action for them.
Finding a Balance
    All individuals with passive/aggressive tendencies can work on problem areas if they decide they really want to change, genuinely commit their motives to Christ and persevere in relinquishing old patterns. If you are passive/aggressive, you can:
Remove Your Blinders – A passive/aggressive needs to acknowledge hidden emotions such as anger, fear and the hidden desire for control. This involves realizing that you are in a battle against deception and denial within yourself. You might find it helpful to memorize Romans 2:16 and Proverbs 28:13.
Turn Your Emotions over to God – This invites surrendering your deepest emotional secrets to God and requires the inner searching of the Holy Spirit. Through this you can overcome some of your deepest personal fears and replace them with trust in God. In most cases the barrier to your emotional stability is the desire to control. Because of this, you impose a long inner list of “shoulds” and “oughts” on family and friends. If you can replace the desire for control with the attitude of accepting others as they are, you will diminish your inner personal stress.
Turn Actions over to God – It is necessary to allow God to scrutinize every motive and to “coat” every action in your life. Determine how your hidden anger is expressed. It is also healthful to resolve to use your knack for being clever and persuasive in unselfish ways.
Become Independent and Learn to Make Your Own Decisions –  This involves taking full responsibility for personal behavior and not blaming things on someone else. For example, you can learn to become more tidy and stop expecting others to pick up your messes.
Learn to Like and Appreciate Yourself in Christ – You must realize you are created and loved by God and can find happiness and fulfillment through a life-commitment to Him.
Learn to Refuse the Easy Way out – You can learn to refuse the easy way out of painful situations and to develop willpower or self discipline rather than setting yourself up to fulfill a “failure script.” God sets a standard for us that is higher than we would ever set for ourselves, and yet He promises that we can attain it by achieving our full potential and allowing Him to use His power through us.
Overcome Selfishness – This can be done by helping others and getting involved in their lives.
Why Assertiveness?
    Why is assertiveness the option of choice in dealing with conflicts in our relationships?

    First, assertiveness is efficient in getting problems resolved. Of all other options, assertiveness is the most likely choice to get the job done and to enhance the relationship. When we “react” passively, the problem has not been dealt with and the conflict obviously doesn't go away. When we handle conflict aggressively, the conflict might get “resolved” for the moment, but the way it got resolved (at the expense of another’s feelings and rights) often leads to further rebellion and conflict down the road. Passive/aggressive behavior is also inefficient in solving a conflict because it is indirect and deceitful (Eph. 4: 25, 26, 29, 31 & 32).

    Second, assertiveness is the only option that helps build self esteem in the relationship. When we handle things passively, aggressively, or passive/aggressively we really aren't acting in a manner that is worthy of respect. Acting assertively, with each person treated with dignity, raises the self esteem of each person involved. The assertive person's self esteem rises because he is acting in a manner that is worth respecting, and the person on the receiving end feels better about himself because he is being treated respectfully and as if he really matters.

    Assertive behavior is the option of choice because it is more efficient and helps to raise the self esteem of everyone involved. It was the behavior that the Lord Jesus Christ manifested in His own life. The paradox, though, is that while assertiveness is the best route to go in dealing with conflict, it is the least practiced. Why?

Why Don't We Act Assertively?
    While there are many reasons we avoid being assertive, the main reason is that most of us have a high need for approval. We don't stand up for ourselves because we feel the person with whom we are being assertive will dislike or reject us in some way.

    The truth of the matter is that assertiveness will be met with disapproval by others at times. Anytime we dare to stand up for how we feel or what we believe is right, the potential is there for others to resent us for doing so and put us down in some way.

    The life of Christ is a perfect example of assertiveness.  He assertively told His parents He must be about His Father's business. He assertively confronted the disciples when they got out of line. He often was quite assertive with the rulers and leaders of His time. The assertive style of Christ led to some strong reactions at times, even to the point that He was put to death. But He didn't back off just because some people didn't like what he was saying or doing. We need to accept the fact that we will not be liked or accepted  by everyone all the time. We can ask the Lord Jesus Christ to make us resilient people.

    The need for full approval that many of us carry around inside ourselves is a very serious stumbling block to being assertive. Christians especially struggle with this because they have misconstrued the Bible to say that a “true Christian” lets people run over him and does it with a smile. Many Christians have a strong “standing up for yourself is selfish and sinful”  tape in their minds that keeps them from being assertive. While meekness is an important Christian trait, boldness is just as Scriptural and is evident in the lives of many Biblical characters.

    Until we come to grips with why we need approval from others so badly, we are likely to keep “stuffing” what we really feel and fail to be assertive. This leads to feelings of low self worth and confusion about who we really are. The stakes are high. It is important that we work on our need to please everyone all the time and the lack of assertiveness that this creates within us.
 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

References:
 
Carter, Les. (1988). The missing peace.  Chicago: Moody Press.
 
Freedman, A. M.; Kaplan, H. I.; & Sadock, B. J. (1976). Modern synopsis of comprehensive textbook of psychiatry II. Baltimore: The Williams and Wilkins Co.
 
Maloney, H. N. (1988). Speak up! Christian assertiveness. Flowertown, PA: Westminster Press.
 
Minirth, Frank; Hawkins, Don; Meier, Paul; & Flournoy, Richard. (1986). How to beat burnout. Chicago: Moody Press.
 
Minirth, Frank, Meier, Paul. (1978). Happiness is a choice. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.
 
Copyright 1991, El Rophe Center, Inc.

[reallyME]

Being PA (Passive Aggressive)

Let me tell you what it is like actually being a PA.

When you are first told, by someone you respect, that they think you are PA, the first thing you think is "f*** you. Nothing is wrong with me. "Who are YOU to call me names and label ME?"

Then you decide to humor yourself to prove them wrong and you do the research on the Internet. You read and what you read is very, very unpleasant. What you are reading is really you and you never even knew these things about yourself! You realize you are a real jerk. More research finds nothing much except that most PA's are buttheads <grin> and treat people poorly.  Wow. This is a little too close for comfort.

The question remains though,

Why am I like this?

You cry a lot and you don't even know why.

I finally realized that I had a very unhappy childhood, which I had to suppress as my own survival mechanism. My father was/still is a screamer/yeller and my mother allowed it to happen. When you are continually told you can never do this or that right, yelled at pretty
much continually, made fun of, name calling, picked on, etc. you basically just shut down as a child and become very afraid to even try much of anything. You are almost never told you did a good job on ???? Or, you are a starting receiver for the football team and you father would rather watch TV than throw the football to you for practice.

Why would anyone want to actually try anything and possibly confirm they are stupid or dumb and that their parents are right? After all, they are your parents who "love" you. When you did try as a child and you made mistakes, you were not shown how to do it right, you were yelled at and told to go into the house by the parent, who always said, "I'll fix it."

You don't remember much laughter in my house. You never invited anyone over, ever. When you did, your parents seem to always treat the visitors better than they treated you. This was very painful since you feel like "why can't my own parents be this nice to me?" You didn't invite others over very often. You have very few friends even now.

You went to school and goofed off. You never ever studied and did homework. Your parents didn't know or even seem to care what classes you were taking. You were only criticized on the "D" in math and not complemented on the 5 A's in the other classes. You were told "we expect perfection". You try and you cannot do it so you're told your stupid. You did manage to pass school without even trying very hard.

You are very afraid to stretch and test your limits and skills. Not only the physical limits but also the mental and spiritual limits.

You get so used to being told how to think, what to think and when to think and when you eventually find yourself as an adult, the only parenting "skillsets" you have developed is the same as the "parents" who treated you like crap.

I was taught how to be dependent on someone else to do my thinking for me.

As a child, you learn not to show any emotion or you'll be considered weak and a crybaby. So, you don't. You just shut down.

And the cycle continues.

I can remember getting my younger brothers up for school, making them breakfast, (I still hate puffed rice) getting them dressed, (often in dirty clothes), kissing my Mom (who couldn't get out of bed due to the variety of psychotic medications) good-bye and walk to school with my brothers. I did this for many years. I think I started this when I was 8 or 9.

I can actually remember my father breaking and smashing my toys when he was mad and handing them back to me. I have never, ever heard an apology.

You learn to feel anger and hate at families and other people who seem to be happy and actually get along and appear to actually like each other. You hate them since they seem to be happy. You hate others who can think for themselves and are self-confident and happy.

You are told you cannot be "white collar" since we are a "blue collar" family. Your family entertainment consisted of watching TV. No talking AT ALL except during commercials. Vacations, scouting, sports, etc. seemed to always end up with lots of arguing, fighting and screaming either on the way there, the way home or once you were home. Sometimes, it was all
of them.

You didn't dare talk back so you just kept in all the frustration, anger, hate, everything.

I learned how to be shown, not to learn, or try or think on my own.

Very little you did was ever good enough or correct.

"Nice work", "good job" were almost never heard. Hugs from Dad? I don't
think so.

And the "funny" thing is, you still defend your family to others.

This is what I learned as a child.

When it is time for you to leave the nest and go out on your own, you are scared to death. You only leave after going into the Navy. Your scared, but excited. You write and call and almost never get anything back except a message saying "these phone bills age getting expensive". You don't call or write much after that.

When you enter the "real" workforce outside of the service, you get to a certain level and are scared to break the glass ceiling since you don't want anyone to make fun of you for making a mistake. You feel like you actually should not be in the position you are in and that you will be
ridiculed that you might be found out you really are not all that smart. So, you get into a comfortable position and you stagnate.

When you do make a decision, you are seldom confident in the decision and feel that if it is wrong, people will just re-confirm what the you have been told over and over,

You're stupid.

So, you never learned how to think and act as an adult even though you are now an adult.

Your "adult" skills have not been learned. You don't know how to ask for help to learn them so you just stumble along trying to figure out to get them. You don't want anyone to know you don't know. When you don't know, you revert back to what you have been taught, no matter how crappy it is, because that is what you have been taught and after- all, you've been told your too stupid to learn anything else.

I didn't learn to talk and discuss situations with my wife, I did learn to yell and scream at her like my parents did/still do. I did not learn to talk and teach my children, I learned to yell and scream or to send them into the house or bed and "I'll take care of it".

I do not yet even feel like an adult or even a parent. I feel like some dumb kid who is playing father figure.

As an adult, you finally get to the point in your life where you realize that you are very unhappy and for the life of you, cannot figure out why. The more you try and figure out what is wrong, the more frustrated you get and the more you lash out at those who only are actually trying to help.

One day researching, you finally find the answer to "Why am I like this?"

For me, I found that it was the "little boy"/inner child (I hate that term !!) inside of me basically felt unwanted and unloved since it is obvious, as a child, feeling like you are too broken and stupid to even being loved by your own parents.

And you cry, a lot, and you don't know why. I mean deep crying with snot coming out your nose and dripping off your chin crying. Inside of you is the little boy whose favorite model car was just smashed because he was playing with it and wouldn't take his nap. He was not allowed to show that it hurt so you just act like it is no big deal. After all, you HAVE to be a man.

38 years of emotions bottled up and never allowed to release. Scared. Numb. Feeling dead inside. No feelings allowed.

The more you think about this little boy inside, you feel how hurt he is and the more you want to cry not only for him, but with him for his pain, anger and frustration. You want to try and ease the pain he is going through and tell him he is not stupid and dumb.

After all, he's just a little boy.

The real kicker is, I am named after my father. My family was very mad when we would not name my son the same name.

No doubt about it, I am passive-aggressive.

So you say to yourself, "How can I help this little boy?"

Once you actually realize the problem, what do you do?

I am trying to learn how to think like an adult and become the person the little boy inside wanted to be when he grew up. I have to learn to re-discover what makes that little boy smile and laugh.

What were this little boy's dreams? What were his goals?

I have to learn to not only love the little boy inside, I also need to learn to become the father I never had, the mother I never had and the type of parent(s) I never had. My current views of my life may be off track a bit as an adult. I am still seeing the world as a scared little
boy.

When you finally realize what you have "become", you are very disappointed. The little boy inside expected more out of his life.

I would think that other people who feel they are also going through mid-life crises are also feeling much of these same things.

There is a little person inside them who was never really loved, and that's all the little person really wants. After that feeling is settled, go on from there.

I think of PA as a bad car wreck (Nobody dead, lots of damage). You don't see the police officer just say "Yep, that's a bad car wreck" and walk away. No, the police look for the cause of the wreck.

What is the "cause(s)" of the behavior?

I think this is the one main question I think every PA needs to ask themselves once they finally realize what they are doing. Getting a PA to actually recognize the behavior is going to be another thing. <grin>

Recognizing/Realizing the behavior is very hard though. You have to admit to yourself have a "personality/psych" problem. Not nice to tell anyone much less telling yourself.

It took a lot of soul searching for me to recognize the behavior.

What really worked for me, and hope works for others, is to think about and write down your painful memories as far back as you can go. This will hurt, a lot. Expect lots of tears and snot.

I then used a mirror and just looked at myself and thought about what I wrote.  I thought about my past, my frustrations, anger, hatred, and happiness. Expect even more tears and snot. (grin)

*** I could not do the above 2 things right after each other. It took me a while to "recover" from what I wrote. Others might have the "strength", I could not.

You cannot lie to yourself while looking in the mirror. You will see the little boy/girl inside who was hurt and now as the adult, you will hopefully understand why you were hurting during that time. It's like looking at yourself and talking to yourself when you were ??? years old. You tell them they are not ??? and they deserve ??? or words to help them/you through this hurt. You have to be the "parent" to yourself that you never had and needed and wanted.

This "exercise" takes more than once to get through.

I really think anger and hate are the keys. You don't realize how angry or hateful you became because you just bottled it up. As a kid, you don't always know, or have any options, how to deal with anger, frustration and hate.

Sooner or later, it will all "click". It feels like a huge weight has been removed and you are, for probably the first time, start to experience happiness. You feel giddy and grin like a fool for absolutely no reason.

I now am starting to recognize the behavior in me and I am also starting to see it in others.

I am learning to catch it (PA behavior) in myself, sometimes. Unfortunately, I still sometimes see it AFTER I do it. <bummer> I'm not over it (PA behavior) yet. As a matter of fact, I PA'd big time last night.

At least now I can see it which is the first step to trying to prevent it before it occurs. I know I won't always be successful. If I can catch it 1 time, it's much better than before.

I am just glad I am starting to learn about my behavior now and trying to change it and not when my own children are already grown and it is all they know. Then the cycle will have continued another generation.

So, this is what I am going through.

Don't look at a PA as someone who is just trying to piss you off. Chances are, they aren't.

This poem always makes me think and brightens my day.

"Naked we come into this world and naked we shall leave it. When the day and hour comes that no man knows, the only thing we will take with us is our loves, our friendships, our angers, our hopes, our laughter, our tears, our Memories. These are our only true possessions. We can make more money but the savings account of days and hours is all we will ever really have.

Don't miss the sunrises, rainbows or the sunsets. You only get so many chances.

May you and yours be happy and well."                 Richard

Honest and heartfelt...good stuff!  Thank you Richard! My very warmest regards, Dr. Irene
 

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
 There are so many lessons in that post about  being "broken" and healing. What hit me as I read it was that God did not mean for us (humans )to suffer like this. It was the curse that came in to the world that resulted in all this pain .
  I am getting to the level of claiming( really HAVING to claim) my own power. Life just does not work,in this current world, without your own power. My quotation (below) says it all(IMO)
   The only reason that we even need our own power is b/c the earth  is under a "curse" and as such people have bad qualities  and life hurts. It hurts horribly when you have  been taught the wrong rules(N rules). Then ,you are in the S##T sandwich.
   I see that I HAVE to"  dig up " my own power and give it up to NO ONE            Ami (angry)

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Laura  

Just read the first installment of this and wanted to say thanks! Again, very helpful info.

I'm spending minimal time on the board now, but will be sure to continue following these posts of yours (still have to catch up on the co-dep. one, but I will). These are the things that help me to clarify issues in my own mind and not get carried away onto useless rabbit trails.

So... just know that what you're sharing here is very much appreciated, okay?
God bless and keep you,

Carolyn

[finding peace]

Laura this is terrific information.  Thank you so much for posting it!

Carolyn,

I am sad to hear that you won't be around as much - will miss you!!!

Much love to you,
Peace

[BonesMS]

Thanks, RM!

As I was reading through this, I found myself nodding ALOT!  When I become frustrated enough, I tend to walk away rather than physically lash out.  I've noticed similar PA behavior in my Nfriend when she wants something (from anyone), is told "NO", and she CONTINUES to either "bug" them in the vain hope that the "NO" will magically change into a "YES", or she will dawdle in an attempt to force everyone around her to be late.  (She attempted to force me to be late for my own graduation and I took my regalia and LEFT while she continued to dither and dawdle in circles.)  With my Nfriend, I've noticed that I am not singled out when she acts this way.  She does it to her husband, to her in-laws, to her siblings, her supervisor(s), and others.  Then wonders why everyone gets mad at her AFTER they have explained the obvious repeatedly.  I'm probably being PA right now because I don't feel like talking to her anymore after explaining the obvious for the upteenth time.  (Stick a fork in me, I'm done.)

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Bones,
  I think that part of  wisdom in life is to know when to throw in the "towel" or prick yourself with the "fork".                                                                 Love    Ami

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,
  I think that part of  wisdom in life is to know when to throw in the "towel" or prick yourself with the "fork".                                                                 Love    Ami

AMEN!

Bones

[Bella_French]

The life of Christ is a perfect example of assertiveness.  He assertively told His parents He must be about His Father's business. He assertively confronted the disciples when they got out of line. He often was quite assertive with the rulers and leaders of His time. The assertive style of Christ led to some strong reactions at times, even to the point that He was put to death.

Sadly, this pretty much sums it up for me.

People are not free to be assertive unless they are in a position of power, as there are very harsh consequences. That was the first lesson i learned about assertiveness..it doesn't go down well, so only be assertive in proportion to your power in a situation.

I guess this is why people crave power, and get addicted to it- to overcome the need to stifle their true selves in order to function in the world?

X Bella

[isittoolate]

I would choose these excerpts...... as assertive is NOT aggressive
 
Assertive behavior is the option of choice because it is more efficient and helps to raise the self esteem of everyone involved. It was the behavior that the Lord Jesus Christ manifested in His own life. The paradox, though, is that while assertiveness is the best route to go in dealing with conflict, it is the least practiced. Why?

Why Don't We Act Assertively?
    While there are many reasons we avoid being assertive, the main reason is that most of us have a high need for approval. We don't stand up for ourselves because we feel the person with whom we are being assertive will dislike or reject us in some way.

    The truth of the matter is that assertiveness will be met with disapproval by others at times. Anytime we dare to stand up for how we feel or what we believe is right, the potential is there for others to resent us for doing so and put us down in some way.

[reallyME]

Why Don't We Act Assertively?
    While there are many reasons we avoid being assertive, the main reason is that most of us have a high need for approval. We don't stand up for ourselves because we feel the person with whom we are being assertive will dislike or reject us in some way.

and that is EXACTLY what happens when we stand up for ourselves.  We go through some covert punishment from the other person or are in some way rejected, mocked, tormented or something.

I was reading an excerpt today online about bullying, and the author suggested that in internet situations, and others, you save the convos to present and hold the other person accountable for what they said.

I can tell you that this technique has NEVER WORKED in any cases I've been in.  The other person merely rises up in anger asking "WHY ARE YOU QUOTING MY WORDS BACK AT ME?  I do NOT appreciate it."  My daughter will say "Mom, I KNOW what I said.  I'm not stupid!"

So, any other suggestions?

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  With bullying,I think that our goal has to be to end up with your own integrity  NOT to get the other person to OWN his part in it. (IMO)    .I am thinking of my M. She will not own  her part (or not for long--lol), My goal has to be not to "sell" myself to her like I have done millions of times.
 I think that we don't stand  b/c  we want approval.as you said.. I think that with a bully, the best that we can hope for is that we feel good about ourselves at the end( maintain our own integrity) not that we got then to apologize or admit their wrongdoing. That is how I see it,.now.
                                                                            Love     Ami

[reallyME]

The invalidator is underhanded,
and the person being invalidated
 is often unsuspecting except for
knowing that he or she feels bad.

The invalidator actually feels
inferior to soem other person, so
he or she tries to make that other
person feel small.  Thus, the in-
validator can control the victim.

Have you met anyone like this?
Whether you are completely aware
of it or not, you probably have.
You probably know one, or several
invalidators.

The invalidator uses various
suppressive mechanisms to chop
away at your self-esteem. He pre-
tends to acknowledge something you
are proud of, then later makes
some negative insinuation about
it.  He feels out what you think
your shortcomings are, and then
exploits them at calculated times
when he knows you are vulnerable.
The invalidator may persist in
invalidating you until you
succumb. He has to control you
because he perceives you as being
superior to him. He takes accusat-
ions that have "some truth" and
fires them at you "in all
honesty"  "just being your friend"
"to help you"

The diffence between an invalid-
ator and a real friend, is that
a real friend will tell you one
negative thing about yourself
then back off to give you space
to consider it.

An invalidator will lay many of
your faults out for you and
persist until you feel as big
as the period at the end of this
sentence.

An invalidator will pick out the
qualities about yourself that
are most important to you, and
then tear them apart.

An invalidator will listen to
you share something that you
don't like about yourself and
then later use it against you.
This is all done in such a
subtle way that you are unaware
of it.

If you do confront an invalidator
on what she is doing, she will
say something like "oh come on
now. I love you. I'm your friend.
Where did you get these silly
ideas?"

And she may really like you.
she may really want to be your
friend...but only on her terms
and only after she has you in
her control.  

She will make you look silly
for even thinking such things
about her.  She may make you
feel guilty or cheap in front
of your friends for accusing her
of invalidating you.

She may get angry at you for
your accusations.  Whater she can
do to invalidate you further, she
will.

If she really thinks you are on
to her, she may apologize and
then not invalidate you again..
until later when you are un-
suspecting.

In short, the invalidator does
whatever is necessary to control
you.  he is control-crazy and
any time he perceives himself to
be not in control, he will be
scared.

HITLER IS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THIS:

His logic made sense, he seemed
to have a deep spiritual under-
standing of things, but he turned
his eyes away from the ones he
had killed and prized a portrait
of himself, looking angelic up to
the heavens.  

He ignored the cries of the people
being killed. He ignored the
world that he never wanted to know.
Yet he saw himself as wonderful,
believed in his own absolute
authority, had followers who
trusted his words and him.

Today, we have small Hitlers
around us, tormenting us with
their promises, rejoicing in our
weaknesses, demanding our trust,
our votes, our lives...while
remaining totally indifferent to
everything except their thirst for
power.  Power to order the lives
of other men consoles their own
insufficiencies, their lack of
humanity.  They must have power
or perish, and it is all one to
them if they misuse their power
or crush others in their efforts
to seize power.

[Bella_French]

Dear ReallyME,

I can relate; assertiveness is a respectful type of communication, and it is generally works in cases where mutual respect and positive regard exist.

Assertiveness is basically stating one's needs clearly- it doesn't actually make the other person care about your needs, it only lets them know what they are. There are so many cases where that fundermental respect is absent, or one person is very selfish. That is when assertiveness may not work; I've experienced that many times too.

I agree with Ami; dealing with Bullies is another matter. It would be nice if we could get them to change their behaviour, but i feel that you'd have to be in a position of power to do so (like being their boss and threatening their job, or a mod on a forum that bully values-something like that)

X Bella

[isittoolate]

ASSERTIVE------------------respectful
Self-confident
Self-assured
Confident
Poised


AGGRESSIVE--------angry   
Hostile
Belligerent
Argumentative
Quarrelsome
Confrontational

I see one big difference in these two words and wonder what’s the topic? passive/aggressive or passive/assertive

Learning to assert ourselves is one of the ways to find our voice and be recognized/respected, but being argumentative is going to turn people off. the bully type.

I don’t know why assertive was mixed in with a PD

Until we come to grips with why we need approval from others so badly, we are likely to keep “stuffing” what we really feel and fail to be assertive. This leads to feelings of low self worth and confusion about who we really are. The stakes are high. It is important that we work on our need to please everyone all the time and the lack of assertiveness that this creates within us.