Brainstorm on Anger issues

[SoSmall]

I am really new to this board.  But, I am noticing that alot of people have issues of anger.  Either anger at others or themselves.

Am I just imagining that? 

I was thinking I was just a really hateful person who was doomed to lose friend after friend.  After talking on here I am beginning to think I have alot of anger because I hold stuff in.  And I read others posting about anger.  And I am thinking maybe all my anger issues aren't really anger issues!!??  They're isssues based on holding my feelings inside and only feeling safe letting them out in little passive agressive ways IF I even let you stay in my life long enough to be allowed that.

This is opening alot up for me!!!! 

As a kid I was expected to  1.  Never complain or voice any feeling I was having.  2. Know how every action I did would affect my father.

Now as an adult I am terrified to 1. complain or voice any oppinion I am having.  And 2.  I get mad because I expect others to know how their actions are affecting me.  I am always aware how I effect them. 

It is like an exact replica of my childhood!!!!!  So how do I change beahviors like this without something to mold myself after?  Like I see this stuff opening up in front of me.  But how do I change it?  I guess I need to decide first if I want to change the fact that I don't voice my oppinion.  Or if I want to learn to be Ok with not voicing my oppinion. 

[Overcomer]

I agree.  Most of my anger comes from being dismissed.  My mom still to this day basically ignores me when I am giving an opinion.  I scared the living daylight out of her when I had held it in for so long that I exploded at her!  Rage!  I think that is what happens-you can only stuff your emotions so long before wor blow-either with illness or relief.

[Ami]

Dear So Small,
  You made the first and very important step. You reached out. That was really good. You used your "voice" and asked for help.
 The "problem" with stuffing emotions is that they don't STAY down. They come up somehow and some way and "get "us.It can be illness,rages, etc. However, they are an "energy"---an actual '"force".We could not just keep a" lid " on any type of "energy" and expect it to stay there and not do any harm.
  For me, I have one beacon in the confusing world of healing,"You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free.".
  I just start where I am and force myself to keep looking within and facing the layers of lies an distortions(b/c that is what our pain is from).
  We were taught lies and we believed lies. When we can get to the bottom of the lies(like we are worthless etc), THEN we will be  emotionally  healthy..
  it is scary ,but it is worth it. I am so glad that you are here. Keep sharing.You are a beautiful person. You just believed things that are simply NOT TRUE                  Love  Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear SoSmall,

For me, it's been necessary to practice voicing my opinions... even at times when I mighta been better off/wiser to keep them to myself... just to get alot of stuff out into the open air. This board, for one, is a great place to do that.

Discernment about when to speak and when to hold our peace is very important too, of course... but that can wait a bit, I think. For starters, just feels to me like we're often at the toddler stage as we recover from voicelessness. I mean, there's alot stored up in us from all the years of being silenced.

As I give voice to my own feelings and opinions, I'm seeing more and more that they have just a few common roots.
The biggest root has been a sense of having been unknown.
Of all the things in the world that I can remember desiring, it was for someone to be willing and eager to know me...
and now I realize it wasn't just "someone" for whom I longed - it was my parents.
When that is not an option (which of course it is not, when people are highly N),
then I feel like it's up to me to allow myself an inner parent who is willing and eager to know me.
They're the ones I'm really angry with in the first place, you know... the part of them that I incorporated into myself. That's who really needs to hear my opinions and feelings. Once that's accomplished, then I think we're free to share or hold our opinions as we see fit, without suffering any great angst in the process. The work really is internal, but to have a sounding board (like this place) sure can expedite the process!

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Poppy Seed]

My anger comes from being dismissed or ignored or controlled.  My anger comes because of the injustices.  My anger comes because I hate myself so badly, because I caused so many bad things to happen.  Because I was so stupid to stay....so stupid to leave.  My anger comes because to road to recovery is so hard and confusing.  My anger comes because I want friends and family relationships which feels so impossible.  My anger comes from being misunderstood, harshly judged and labeled and then CUT OFF!  My anger comes when I try so hard and all my effort fails.  My anger comes because of all the losses along the way....the intensity of the pain.....and the fact that no one sees or cares and if they do, they quickly retreat as if I am a leper!  My anger comes because I feel so trapped -- in my relationships and inside my head. My anger comes...and comes....and comes..........................


hmmmm.....sorry.....that kind of turned into a rant.  perhaps I need to light a candle and hum...............

[Poppy Seed]

Ok.  I am calmer now  

Do you, Sosmall, feel ok about not sharing your opinion?  Do you feel that you are not heard when you do?  Or are you content to let others battle it out?  Or do you feel like you go against yourself by staying quiet?  Is it that you wish you were seen and heard without having to shout it out or fight for a seat at the table?

I guess I felt some strength in you that perhaps you don't NEED to share your opinion.  Maybe you are a great listener.  You feel to me like you have tremendous depth. 
Poppy

[Overcomer]

I have heard it somewhere that anger is a seconday issue.  The first emotion might be - frustration.  That is my daughter.  When she is frustrated she cries and gets anger.  I believe my husband gets anger when he feels belittled by people - problem is, he thinks any question is an attempt at belittling him.  For instance, he will project his anger onto me when I say something......it is as if I am his dad or his ex-wife and he gets very angry with me.  I told him he is projecting his anger towards them upon me.....

Some people get angry when they are dismissed.  Some get angry when they are out of control.  Some get angry when they are afraid.....

[Bella_French]

Dear SoSmall,

I still struggle with anger myself, but my thoughts so far are that I honestly think that parents teach children not to express anger in `real time' every time we feel angry, because so often its just not appropriate to direct it at other people (such as in the case of being 'triggered', or when theres a misunderstanding, or children or guests are present etc etc),  or we could harm an important  relationship irreversibly (like screaming at your boss).

So from that angle, I think its ok to `defer' expressing anger most of the time, but that it is best to express it `somehow', not necessarily at the person we are angry with.

Thats as far along with it that I've come; I hope to learn a lot more as I grow though.

Thanks for this post; it is veru interesting reading people's responses.

X Bella

[Certain Hope]

What Kelly said about frustration registers with me.

I'm not a yeller/crier/door slammer, but I do still tend to withdraw into my shell when angered.
What offends?  People treating me as though I'm invisible, irrelevant, a cartoon character... hmm - yeah, like in a comic strip. I'm only supposed to go and be wherever the author decides to place me on the page, as a character in his story.
Feeling unappreciated is another biggie, but that's more hurt than frustration.
Being lied about is 100% infuriating... because of the associated helplessness - so hard to set things right.

How are you doin, SoSmall?  What arouses your anger?

Carolyn

[Poppy Seed]

I have heard it somewhere that anger is a secondary issue.  The first emotion might be - frustration.

I think this is the big KEY to anger.  What is is trying to tell us about how or what we are feeling?  And I agree that sometimes we think we are angry about one thing when really we are angry about something else or something deeper.  Understanding this peice is essential to understanding why we feel the anger in the first place.  It also helps to be patient until we get more information.


I still struggle with anger myself, but my thoughts so far are that I honestly think that parents teach children not to express anger in `real time' every time we feel angry, because so often its just not appropriate to direct it at other people (such as in the case of being 'triggered', or when theres a misunderstanding, or children or guests are present etc etc),  or we could harm an important  relationship irreversibly (like screaming at your boss).

So from that angle, I think its OK to `defer' expressing anger most of the time, but that it is best to express it `somehow', not necessarily at the person we are angry with.


I think this is perhaps where the understanding of what the function of anger in our Psyche is lacking.  And the innappropriate habits and traditions and examples of what to do with anger.  Not understanding what anger is for and not respecting the vital nature of its presence in our healthy defenses.

I agree that when one is feeling angry it is perhaps best to withdraw until a healthy action or expression is discovered.  I think it is the reaction stuff that harms self and relationships. I think that this is one area where I really value prayer.  Because I can go and talk it all out....every detail and every not so sweet emotion.  I feel like God has the only perfect listening ear and never "reacts" like humans do.

I think that is what I am trying to do now with my anger.  Instead of raging privately inside, I feel like I have to stop and remove myself from the emotion and ask myself (like a teacher to a student) what is really going on here.  Then I feel more empowered and less overcome.  I will add that I sometimes find it hard to understand why I feel anger sometimes.  It seems to come from no where and everywhere.  I think it was Overcomer who said something about a feeling of futility.  I sometimes feel that with this issue too. 

Poppy

[Hopalong]

Hi,
I remember reading in some self-help tome that anger is always a surface emotion, beneath which is always either one of 2 things: hurt or fear.

If that's so, I wonder if it would help when one feels anger, to just try out these statements and see which feels more true in the moment:

I feel hurt when _______

I am afraid I'll be _________

If one feels a bit more true than the other, then that would be the one to follow in reflection, to see where it leads you...maybe just carrying the hurt or fear trigger as far in your head as you can, to seek out the FOO stuff. And then you might see how it links to the present. And that might unhook you from the trigger?

Hope that helps,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

I wonder if it would help when one feels anger, to just try out these statements and see which feels more true in the moment:

I feel hurt when _______

I am afraid I'll be _________

If one feels a bit more true than the other, then that would be the one to follow in reflection, to see where it leads you...maybe just carrying the hurt or fear trigger as far in your head as you can, to seek out the FOO stuff. And then you might see how it links to the present. And that might unhook you from the trigger?

Hope that helps,
Hops

Helps me, (((((((((((Hops)))))))))  yup yup... that's just what I've been doing, although not completely consciously. Opening the door to self-sorrowing (pity ) engaged a whole new set of gears. It's good... in a way... but I can sure see how that can quickly become debilitating. The key to me is knowing when to allow the intellect to share in the burden... and that takes practice. And motion. Lots and lots of cleaning/puttering motion, for me... and less typing.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

I am imagining...
Carolyn contemplates Hops' closet, Carolyn putters, Carolyn mutters, muttering and puttering, Carolyn creates harmony, economy of space, simplicity and serenity restored...

Thanks, Hope!
Just needed a positive visualization for the morning! 

love from
Hops and
Hops' closet

[axa]

Not expressing my swallowed down anger kept me tied in a cycle of depression for years.

axa

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
 Since you are using a "digestive" metaphor  for anger-----do you have stomach problems? I ask b/c I always use 'digestive " metaphors and I have digestive problems..
  With my M,I would use many "digestive metaphors like I cannot stomach this:I don't have intestinal fortitude, I am swallowing my anger;It is a gut feeling, it is tearing me up;she makes me sick to my stomach etc,etc.
  I was thinking that some people get headaches and some stomach aches.
  One friend would always say,"It's giving me a migraine."
  I would be interested in what you think                                      Love  Ami